Masks Chapter 15

*Before…

Mom gives me another hug. I like hugs, and Stephanie is getting more of them than Steven does. I sigh into it…hugs are important. Hugs keep you from flying apart sometimes.

Sometimes I feel like I’m flying apart all the time.

She lets me go and gives me this smile that’s sad, sweet…just kind of different. “I’ll see You after school Steph.”

Yes she stressed You…like me…not Steven.

Yay?

I’m not sure just what to think about that?

I clean my face and brush my teeth and slip into bed. Ohhh…softer sheets, nice thread count and the smell. They just smell nice, like baby powder and dryer sheets. I leave my light on…I want to be able to see all of this whenever I open my eyes tonight…it means that much.

*And Now…

I did fall asleep…and honestly as late as it was getting to bed I slept really well and waking up…stretching and feeling my bra, my underwear and then taking my hair down and shake my hair out and just spend a few minutes being me waking up as me before I get up and start to get ready.

I’ll admit that I’m procrastinating and make my bed and then get my clothes ready for the day and I hate it, hate it sooo much as I take off my bra and panties and then my hair.

I cry taking off my hair.

I so get the hair cut cry.

You know what really sucks it’s the boy cut short hair! It almost chokes me with the whole having to have that kind of hair cut. Now…now I’m not just feeling the girly hair thing but also I’m feeling that transgirl pain of it.

Hair’s something that…it’s all we have some times and then there’s the girls that can’t…Ugh…what a shitty way to start the day.

I still get to the shower first and I cry while I’m there…I don’t want to do this…it sucks washing off the way I should smell. At least my regular stuff is gender neutral…ish.

It takes my in the morning facial ritual to get calmed down.

This wasn’t a one shot.

I get to come home to this.

I get out of the bathroom and Billy and Bobby are up and they look at me. There’s a shake of their heads and they force me to go between them in the hall and I flinch and of course it’s this dick headed shove and shove and Bobby punches me in the thigh for a Charlie-horse.

“Ow! Asshole!”

“That’s for flinching.”

“Why are you such an asshole?” I hiss at him.

Billy shoves me. “Because we’re twins and older than you Steffie.”

“So you have to be assholes just because of that? And don’t call me Steffie…It’s not my name.”

They snort and keep going like they just don’t care and that this burst of roughness and being assholes is something to be expected. “Yeah.” Billy says. “Can’t let Bobby get ahead y’know. Suck it up buttercup.”

“Yeah don’t get yer knickers in a twist!” Bobby shouts and guffaws at his idea of that being funny.

I fast limp and head to my room and run into Mark who’s already dressed and stuff and headed downstairs.

“Sorry…”

He looks at me then down the hall. “Don’t sweat it okay? You’re alright y’know for a little brother or sister…whatever…” He starts heading downstairs and stops looking like he’s thinking. “You’re like Stephanie Potter okay and you just got to learn how to deal with Crabbe and Goyle.”

Blink, blink…what?

He used my name.

Okay he was really uncertain about it but he sort of went there and…

“You’ve read Harry Potter?”

He blushes. “Yeah, Jenn won’t date me on the weekends unless I finish her reading list.”

“I…uhm…what?”

“She’s different okay…Jeeze.” He stomps off the rest of the way downstairs in his usual biggest brother rumble.

Okay I’m bemused enough that it takes my mind off Crabbe and Goyle…such a good term for those two.

She’s making Mark read.

And he’s doing it.

Mark’s…he’s not a reader. I mean I’ve never really seen more than four or five books in his room and the rest is like magazines. He’s a car guy, even more than dad is. I mean dad’s a guy’s guy and likes cars like that but Mark’s into it.

Other than that it’s typical other guy stuff.

I really have to find out what Jenn he’s dating?

I get dressed in my heavy blah stuff and try to make it look good. Jeans and a t-shirt then a red flannel over that but unbuttoned. No it’s not grunge it’s October and this sort of is kind of a thing we do. Well Dad wears his like this too and I guess it stuck and I grab my sneakers but I just stuff the laces inside them for now.

I get my books and stuff and take a last look at my room and I head downstairs to get my stuff ready for the day while the twins are fighting in the bathroom. Dad’s up and the coffee is made and he’s making potato and egg and bacon sandwiches. It’s a bit of chopped up bacon then grated potatoes and he fries them like a hash brown but makes a nest for the egg. Served on toast with some mayo and sliced tomato they’re really good.

I text M.J. [You eat breakfast yet.]

[…?]

[You awake?]

[No, I’m human.]

[You want me to bring breakfast?]

[Yes.]

[And coffee?]

[Yes.]

[LOL, TTFN.]

She sends me a big frowny face sticker ad I smile and look at dad. “One to go please.” I bite into mine and chew while looking for lunch.

Hmm…something light. I don’t really want to feed the beast…that’s my whole guy puberty body y’know.

I do like the fact we have a well stocked house and we’re not hurting for cash. I chop some cucumber and zucchini and diced some celery and then get some cherry tomatoes and sort of toss it all together and add some salt, pepper and olive oil and there’s just something…I add some shaved pumpkin we have in there. Yes you can eat it raw and then just some lemon juice to offset the oil.

Dad tries it. “Mmmm…like a fall or Thanksgiving salsa.”

“Really?” I get a bing in my brain and I grab some zip lock bags and I hit the pantry getting some tortilla chips in one and some almond slices and dried cranberries in the other.

Dad grins at me. “We’re so stealing that for Thanksgiving next year.”

“Be good for the party too.” I grin back and take my thermos with the coffee in it he just poured for me.

“Hey good idea Spor….Kiddo.” He stopped himself, it was kind of nice. I still am not fond of kiddo but I’ll still take it. I pack my lunch and an apple for desert.

Y’know I’m kind of proud of this, it’s like totally vegan.

Mind you I’m not but at the same time I think it’s like a really good thing for me to learn to like that stuff. I don’t want to get fat and I don’t want to get all bulky either even if I have to like switch to this stuff more and more.

Seriously I get these nightmares of that kind of stuff sometimes where I start hulking out and not in the great She-hulk way.

I give Dad a hug and he one arms me back and I head off to meet M.J.

It’s a little earlier than before and I stop in that lot and take off my sneakers and just step into the dewy grass and breathe.

Breathe and hold my coffee travel cup in both hands and wait for the light to brighten it doesn’t get really to light here now until about ten past seven.

I’m not even sure what I’m doing but the chilly dew, the ground it’s nice. I just try to feel that moment from yesterday and just sort of let the stuff from my morning go away.

“Hey Mother Earth, thanks for listening okay?”

Hokey yeah but she’s supposed to listen to all of us here on this spinning blue ball right?

Couldn’t hurt right?

Actually by the time I get my sneakers back on and head to M.J.‘s I feel a little better.

Maybe I should’ve found a release before huh?

Aunt Els getting into her jeep as I’m walking into the driveway and she leans out the window as she’s backing out. “She’s up but was in the shower.” She tosses me a key.

“What’s this?”

“Your key.”

“My key?”

“Yep, told you, you have a place here.”

“Thanks have a good day at work!”

“Same for school honey!”

She takes off and I let myself in that means so much that I have a key. It’s really this huge gesture of both caring and trust and safety.

My key, having a safe place here.

I’m really, really lucky.

I slip into the kitchen and get M.J.‘s sandwich on a plate and I make us two coffee’s from the stuff here. I really love the fact that there’s these girl things here. Like the hazelnut and French vanilla creamers here that are kind of a girl thing and I sigh and have mine and sort of soak up the vibe of the house until Mary Jane comes down.

Oh wow.

She’s wearing a dress.

Okay she’s wearing tights or leggings with the dress and they look really good with her in this yellow dress with this fall leaves sort of print with these brown eyed susan flowers that sort of make the yellow the background color but the fall colors just are perfect with her hair and the tights are black and she has a black zip front hoodie that just goes together.

“Wow you look amazing.”

“Really?” She blushes.

“Yeah, you’re going to make a serious splash with this.”

“I’m not trying to, I just want to…”

“You want to show them that see wow!”

“I….”

I grin at her. “Hey, damned if you do and damned if you don’t right? They’re going to be pissy and jealous anyways so go for it. Then you can dress down when you want to later this is like the first week of school for you.”

Mary Jane’s blushing some more but takes the coffee I made. “Do I suck for wanting to wow them?”

“Hell no, and if they have a problem then they really have a problem. It’s not like you’re dressing like a skank.”

“Thanks Steph, I needed to hear that.”

“We’re girlfriends.”

I love the smile she gives me. “Yeah…”

We grab our stuff and head to the bus stop. I love that big oversized leather jacket on her. I would so love to be able to get a jacket like that.

Heck I’d love just to be like her just a little.

Okay, in that dreamy sort of jealous way. I know Mary Jane’s as messed up as me in her own ways. Just some of the stuff she’s said.

And not said she hasn’t mentioned her Dad at all.

We hang around at the bus stop and the others show. Ricky’s staring at M.J.’s boobs again while Becky did exactly what I did and OMG’d over the dress and I refill our coffee’s from my thermos and we talk.

I can’t help it Becky looks good too.

Yeah more friend jealous there.

She’s slender but has a great bum, she’s got some native in her from a great grandparent or something I think I remember from one of her class projects and it’s just given her that sort of dusky natural tan look. Add in the big brown eyes and long straight brown hair and she’s that kinda pretty like in that doesn’t need to try way.

I see the boots she’s wearing just above cut ankle runched suede.

I resist the girl out and still get out. “Rocking boots.”

“Oh yeah I know right!”

We talk about them and where she got them and I get involved by playing the guy that’s asking questions and offering like guy neutral comments. Like “Are the comfortable?” They have a chunky low heel so they might. “They go nice with your hair.”

And M.J. backs me up with stuff like. “Steven finds in interesting that we match stuff to our hair.”

And it’s not that hard for me to get involved in the conversation as teenaged girls really sort of want teenaged guys to get it.

I have no idea though about the guy/girl thing since I’ve never really been able to go there in my head with my gender issues. I’ve read that effects the whole sex drive when you’re not thinking about that stuff.

It’s hard to be into girls when you need to be one. And guys…well apart from my own personal sense of Yick being one on the outside…I’ve seen the whole levels of grossness that the Male-Mystique entails.

Amber gets on the bus at her stop and she heads over to us and this huge grin comes across her face.

“We got it, we got the dance!”

It’s hard and painful to not be in the whole girl burst of cheers. I want to be part of this…I want to be included.

“When?” I ask my voice is tight.

“This weekend on Saturday.” Amber tucks some of her blonde hair back and sips her drink. We all tend to drink something hot on the way to school.

“What kind of dance are we doing?”

“Costumes we were thinking.”

“Wow that might be rough with the contest the week after and Halloween.”

Amber nods. “We talked about all of that and it’s because they won’t let us have in on Halloween night and that week will be too close with a bunch of other stuff so we took this Saturday and costumes will be optional but encouraged.”

Mary Jane adds in…. “So is it going to be announced today? It’s like only giving people four days to get ready.”

“Well it’s not the contest so no big.”

I look at her. “Maybe we should though. I think I can get Dad and some of his friends to pony up some cash.”

Mary Jane grins. “Mom too she might be able to give prizes.”

The girls are all ears and I grin. “Aunt Els does hair and make up.”

M.J.’s texting. “And Mom just said that she’ll put in coupons for a free shampoo and cut plus one for a card reading.”

? Card reading…?

But Becky is all. “OGM you’re mom does Tarot! That’s so cool!”

Oh…Those kind of cards.

Mary Jane grins and says. “Yeah Tarot and tea leaves and all that stuff she’s pretty well versed in it all.”

We end up talking about that stuff trough the rest of the ride to school and I’m texting Dad and of course he’s all for it and then some.

I look at the girls once we’re at school and getting off the bus. “Dad says the shop is in for fifty dollars for the best two costumes like twenty five for each and he’ll get four cases of drinks for us too.”

Okay I’m not allowed to Squee since it’s guyboden but I am girl mobbed and Amber gives me a really big hug. “Can I put that up?”

“Yeah he’s good for it.”

“Thanks Steven you’re the best!”

Yeah….the best…it’s a good mask, lots of practice.

She kisses my cheek before heading off at a quick pace with Rachel in tow and I’m like…huh…she kissed my cheek.

No girl’s ever done that outside of Mom.

Yay?

I’m feeling something, I just don’t know what.

M.J. Hip bumps me and mouths. “Lez?”

……………..!

I turn beet red.

Ohmigod my face is hot.