Carlie has sissy predispositions, but overcomes difficulties with love, courage and increasing self-awareness. In this chapter, Carlie starts following through on his feelings for Cindi.
Carlie
XI. Carlie Makes His “Move”
While I realized that Cindi needed me to take the lead and show her how lovable she was, years of shrinking passively into the background take their toll. Irrational fears of angry offense and rejection filled my mind. More importantly, I had no idea of how to “make my move.” Frankly, I didn’t have any “moves” to make. I asked mommy for advice, but she had no experience of move making to share. She could only say, “Be honest and things will work out in the end.” Since my empty head generated no alternative ideas, that is what I decided to do.
The following day, Cindi was in red bib overalls and a pink jacket with a fur-trimmed hood when I met her in front of the student center. I’d long since given up skirts for jeans and pantyhose. I asked her if she’d like to take a walk by the river. She was a bit puzzled as to why because the autumn color was long gone and there was a chill in the air. I’d chosen the spot because we’d be alone and walking there was the first thing we’d done together. Despite the chill, my bra and blouse were damp with sweat. I thought what a waste of bodily fluid, I could have used some of the moisture in my dry mouth. I had no idea what to say, so I just started talking.
“Cindi, our relationship has not been going anywhere for a while ...” I stopped when I felt her tense up and saw tears forming in her eyes. For a second, I was puzzled. Then I thought she might think we were breaking up. “No, it’s okay, Dee, I’m not trying to dump you.” She relaxed a bit, but was still tense as she wiped the corners of her eyes.
“What then?”
“What I mean is that we’ve been stuck on a plateau because you’re afraid to move it along, and I never made a move in my life and have no idea how to do it.”
“You’re right. I’m scared. I want to do more, but I’m afraid you’ll think I’m fast and dump me. Are you saying that’s how you feel?”
“Well sort of. I mean Shar told me you wanted to use me to see what being with a boy would be like, but now you’re different. You said you didn’t want fast, just to get to know me. Now I think you might be just a friend friend like Judy. If that’s what you want, I’d be your friend, but … but I want more.
“You know I’m a sissy, but that doesn’t mean that I’m weak. I want to take care of you and show you how lovable you really are — and I want to do it like boys love girls — not like two girls. Neither one of us has done that before, but that’s what I want — if you do, I mean ...” I was running out of steam and very uncertain as Cindi was just looking at me not saying anything, or even changing her expression.
All of a sudden she put her arms behind my neck and pulled me down into the most wonderful kiss the world has ever known — well, my world anyway. I didn’t feel at all girly — just like a boy with the most beautiful girl in the world. We stopped at a bench and kissed for a long time. Eventually the cold air won out over the heat of our passion. When I looked at my watch, I saw that my pharmacology class was in 20 minutes.
I escorted Cindi back to the quad and then broke off to go to class. “Think of a place.”
“I will.”
That night I told mommy I’d done it, and asked if it would be okay to have Cindi stay over night with me in my room. I didn’t think it would be a problem.
“How old is Cindi?”
“Almost 19.”
“Well, that’s a problem, you know.”
I was surprised. Mommy was not a prude. “Why?”
“Because you’re still 17 and in this state sex with a minor is a crime.”
“Well. No one is going to care.”
“What about her parents? If they decide they don’t like you, they could make trouble. They could even stop your adoption by arguing that I was an unfit mother by allowing you to be ‘abused’ in my own house. Have you met them?”
“No, but Cindi's 18 and they don’t seem to care what she does.”
“It might not be what she does, but who she does it with. There is still a lot of prejudice in the world.”
“Grrr!”
“You might not like it, but it’s true. I’ll tell you what. You talk to Cindi about what I said and get a sense of what her parents might do, and if they won’t make trouble, you can have Cindi as an over night guest — if you are responsible about it — that means birth control, Carlie, got me?”
“Yes, mommy.”
It was not this complicated in the Harlequin romances Judy’d lent me. They just kissed and the next thing they were making sweet love.
I decided to do the most embarrassing thing first. I went to the student health clinic, showed my ID and was given a box of condoms — no big deal. Still, I felt strange carrying condoms in my purse. (I’d given up calling it a messenger bag when I’d started putting make up in it.)
Next, I met Cindi at the library and told her what mommy’d said. At first she said, “No problem, I’ll just ask Katelyn [her roomie] to spend the night with her boyfriend.” I said her parents might still decide to mess things up for us when they found out. Cindi considered her parents non-entities whose sole function was to pay her tuition, but she agreed to take me her home with her the following weekend. With luck, we might find ourselves in together in her bed after her parents went to sleep.
I told mommy. She fretted over whether I should go dressed as a boy or not. Given that my breasts had grown into perky A’s that protruded from any shirt I wore, I convinced her it was not an option — and dishonest to boot.
I packed my better clothes. I didn’t have a good dress to wear to dinner if they should decide to take us out, so I packed the sport coat and slacks I’d worn to my dad’s memorial service. (My breasts were small enough not to show under my jacket.) About 5:30 Friday night Dee picked me up in her Porsche for the two hour drive to her parents.
