Masks Chapter 29

*Before…

“I can get up.”

“Naw…I’ll carry you to bed.”

(Yawn.) “But Daddy…”

“Hey you get to be you and I get to be me remember and I call dad privilege.”

I blink at him still kind of full and tired and sleepy.

“You’re a really, really good daddy.”

I snuggle into his big strong dadness and I drift off feeling so magically safe. All that stuff I’ve been through til now’s so worth it.

I think I heard him whisper as he kissed the top of my hair.

“I’ll try angel, I’ll try with all I’ve got.”

*And Now…

Okay as amazingly sweet as daddy was about two I wake up and have to go pee and luckily my girl mojo is working enough that I have the awareness that my brothers or someone used it before me and I catch the toilet seat up before I sit down.

My hair’s mussy and in my face and my head itches so after I’m done I take off my hair.

(Sigh.) “I really need to grow mine out.” I miss the feel as soon as it’s off but at the same time I look in the mirror and see my messy face.

I smile though. “Right on, girl first.”

When dad had put me to sleep I had my make up on. It’s an everyday way too common regular teen girl goof up. I do wash it off and cleanse and hen hop into a fast hot shower. I snap my girl jammies while the water gets hot and I get cleaned up fast. I mean it’s petty late.

I get out of the bathroom, cleaned and lotioned and powdered and see mom at the top of the stairs dad’s shirt tossed on and a beer in her hand. She smiles and looks like.

Well, she looks like her and dad were making out and are having a few since it’s the weekend. I smile back and whisper so not to make too much noise with my brothers actually asleep. “Fell asleep I my costume and make up.”

“Oh…been there.” Mom nods with the wisdom felt be the buzzed.

“I know right it was kinda cool.”

She grins really big and says. “Yeah…goddess I’m so missed out on this.” She pulls me over and into a hug.

I now she’s friendly buzzed but at the same time when people get tipsy they tend to speak what’s on their minds as booze fills in the brain filter.

“I know, I love you Mom but I really hate being Steven.”

She tightens the hug to full Mom squeeze. “I know baby and I love Steven but I want you to be happy but I’m happy too.”

“You are?”

(Mom-sniffle.) “Yeah…fuck, I’m not supposed to say stuff like this but I really want this for you too. Dammit I always wanted a daughter, just one…so many damned boys in the men…I mean house.”

I hug her really tightly back. “Thanks Mum, it really means a lot….” I could do this a lot more but I’m really beat and I kiss her on the cheek and smile. “I’m going to bed mom, you and Daddy have fun.”

Mom giggles and I roll my eyes because I can just imagine where she’ll take that have fun and as much as I love my parents there’s stuff that I just really don’t want to know about them like bedroom stuff.

She lets me go and gives me a push towards my room and I head there while she slips down stairs humming. I set my hair up on its foam head after giving it a shake and I crawl back into my bed and sort of just fade into a nice sleep feeling right with my sheets and comforter, the way my underwear and “Breasts” feel and the smells of my soaps and shampoo and lotion and all of that just lets me be me and I drift off.

It’s Saturday and as much as I want to sleep in I can’t I have practice and I have to go in Steven mode. I slip out of my really nice and warm bed and start getting undressed and set my things in my hamper and I go and get out some of my other clothes and get dressed, thankfully it’s just sweats and a t-shirt and a sweat shirt over that and some socks I slip on some dress socks and then my wool socks over that I like wool because their warm at the rink and they sort of pad my skates nicely but the dress socks under them add a sweat barrier and keep me from getting the itchies.

I really, really miss my boobs and my panties and it’s just…I feel like such a damned guy.

Yick.

I head downstairs and Dad’s up and he’s ready and I get my coffee from him in my travel mug and we head out after I get my gear from the basement. I leave my gear in a net hammock in the basement and it airs out and stuff there but I do wipe it down too after I use it wipe Wet wipes and stuff to keep stuff clean, it’s not good to wash hockey pads and stuff. My outer wear though is clean and I pack it all up and go and get my sticks I take three with me and we load everything up in “The Pumpkin.” Dad looks at me and he smiles. “Ready?”

“Yeah I guess.” I take a sip of my coffee and we head out and actually we do our little stop routine on the way. Mickey-D’s first because as bad as it is for you we get McMuffins and them to BK for their hash brown thing because you can eat it like it’s a bar and then we stop at Tim Horton’s for more coffee and Timbits and Dad gets some doughnuts and a box of coffee.

Yeah a box of coffee is sort of like their version of wine in a box and dad puts it in a cooler in the back seat along with the box of doughnuts. When there’s no ice in them they keep in the heat instead of the cold.

“Buying coffee for the other dads?”

“Yep, my turn and stuff.”

We get to the arena and we stop and we eat our breakfast in the parking lot and honestly I do like this part of things it’s time with Dad and stuff and to be honest girls can eat and stuff too and I have an Egg McMuffin and my hash brown and a few timbits and my small double-double before we do anything and it’s just nice. We unload and we meet up with the guys and the dad’s and a few of the hockey mom’s there too and the coaches and dad’s greeted enthusiastically and me?

There’s some looks and there some sort of kind of faked smiles and maybe a frown or two. I hear gay sort of whispered back and forth behind my back on my way to the locker room and I was expecting this, I don’t like the whole thing and the way that some of these people are acting but there’s no shouting or complaining that I’m gay and that I shouldn’t be playing it’s just that new news behind my back stuff and it’s just.

Spiritually Yicky.

I’m so going to do some kind of like Aunt Els style of karmic cleanse after this morning.

I go into the locker room and the guys are there and I get looks and I blush at the thought of changing with them and there’s still some uncomfortableish sort of looks from some of the guys and Randy looks at me. “If you want the bathroom is all yours.”

There’s some looks but nothing bad is said and I look at the team, the coach is still out with the other adults. “Guys, I won’t like be hurt or offended if that’d make you more comfortable and stuff. I mean it’d kinda be a relief to me too honestly.”

There’s a few nods mostly from the guys I’m not as close to as the others and stuff and I take my stuff and I go into the bathroom. It’s just a one toilet room and stuff with a door but it’s.

Someone cleaned it up. I think it might have been some of the guys because it doesn’t smell like the industrial cleaner stuff but more like that purple Mr. Clean that sorta smells like flowers.

It’s a nice gesture actually.

I get changed into my stuff and gear and I sort of grit and bear the whole cup and jock thing and then we’re off and out on the ice and whatever was going on with the adults and the parents it seems to be over and their drinking coffee and manging (Fringlish) down some doughnuts and we hit the ice and we start doing drills and practicing some of the passing drills that we’ll actually use in games and there’s some of the guys near the end of it that get paired off with red armbands that are supposed to be the other teams guys and we actually play off against each other for a while.

That’s when there’s some of the guys that aren’t so sure about me kind of coming at me harder than usual. It’s not like getting checked more but they’re on me a bit more like they’re trying to push me because I’m gay or something.

Thing is I don’t play Mass-hockey, I’m not that big at thirteen and I don’t work out to get big I play for speed and passing and the occasional shot.

But it is messing with my passing a lot and I also notice Nick’s dad there and Nick’s on the opposite squad and his dad’s shooting me frowny I don’t like you looks and at the same time he’s doing the bad hockey dad shouting at Nick.

“C’mon get the lead out!”

“Hit him!” That wasn’t aimed at me but at Tim but still…

“You screwed that up, your mother can check harder that that!”

“Get the puck, get the puck dammit!”

And in between all of that there’s him using “Nickolas!” A lot and I might be hearing it more now since I know but it is getting under my skin that he’s just on him all the time.

Part of me wants to stand up for Nick and do something and I shoot him a look when he’s pushing me into the boards. “You…okay…”

“Yeah it’s fine…”

“He’s being a dick…Sorry.”

“It’s dad he’s always like this.”

“Shove me again.”

“No you’re not doing that…”

“Nick, just do it, it won’t matter here in practice like with games but if he sees you knocking down the gay boy then he might lay the heck off.”

“Steph…”

“It’s going to be a long weekend of listening…”

Ooof…he shoves and I could shove back but instead I let him take me hard to the boards and I fall and do a butt plant. I’ve got padding in spades but that’s why it’s Ooof and not ow.

I’m still getting up as Nick zips away with the puck down the ice and he actually makes a goal.

Good, I’m a girl we do stuff for others including sticking up for people sometimes even if it costs us a little.

I take a look and see his dad’s all happy and while not like crowing and strutting he’s so definitely happy that he took me down and even more that he scored.

I had the same pressure on me when I thought that my dad was all about the there ya go sport and atta-boys.

I’m so glad my dad’s my dad because I’d have likely gone like bonkers trying to not be me by going like super male.

Or plan b and that was start to transition as soon as I hit university. Actually that was the life plan as soon as I could I’d be doing that and I’d have just had to deal with the fallout later and stuff,

Now, now it feels so much different and I know at some point I really need to get a professional opinion and stuff so I can get off the one way trip to guy town.

Ideally I’d like to be me and all me or as close as I can get so when I turn eighteen I can get my bottom surgery and that’ll be the only thing that’ll be left for me to be myself.

Sigh.

But still it’s kind of a good sigh.

We finish up and we head to the locker room and Nick’s dad is still beaming and stuff and he gives me this little bit of a smug look and I just smile and shy girl duck my head and let him think it’s bugging me or that he’s mantimidating me a little.

We all get into the locker rooms and the coach comes in and we start getting changed. I forgo the bathroom this time and there’s some looks from the guys that are still not all on board and the coach goes over the stuff we need to work on and tells us that we have a game coming on the second of November.

It goes for a little bit and we’re not cold because of the heaters in there have been turned up and before long he’s gone and we’re packing our gear up.

Nick comes over to me and set’s his bag and stuff by mine to pack it all up. He’s kind of quiet at first and the he glances over at me. “You didn’t have to do that Steph…”

“You’re going through some stuff with him Nick…I’m not really…I mean I am but home’s gotten kinda good for me and it’s okay, I’m like paying it forwards.”

“You shouldn’t have to dad’s being a butt.”

“Yeah, he is but it’s going to get worse.”

He looks at me.

I give him this sorry shrug. “I’m going to likely come out for real after Halloween.”

Nick sighs. “Fuck.”

I resist the urge to do the girl thing and hug him with some of the guy’s still sort of uncomfortable and weirded out a bit and I look at him.

“Look my folks are going to be going through a lot of the gender therapy stuff and we’ll have like lists and stuff of people that we can give you guys to talk to and maybe my parents can talk to you parents and stuff?”

“That’s assuming they’ll listen. I mean I’m not even close to being sure about the girl stuff like you but…I mean it’s been on my mind and I just really wanted to know.”

“So why did you come to the dance for it?’

“Because I didn’t feel anything while I was scared and hiding in my room just trying to picture something that I hadn’t even thought about until I seen those papers. And with you and stuff I kind of figured I might get a better idea if I was someplace same…like a costume dance…with you and your friends.”

“And it felt?”

“Scary but okay…I mean I like some of the clothes and stuff but some of the other stuff kinda sucked. I think I have an instant hate for pantyhose. And wearing a dress was…scary and stuff feeling that exposed but at the same time…feeling kinda pretty was.”

“Amazing right? I t’s sort of like I uhm…we… no…I get to wear who I’ve been hiding on the inside on the outside and she makes people smile and stuff.”

He nods. “It was just sort of weird nice? Guys were being nice to me and really different than when I usually knew them. It was…I’m not sure if it was cool or some of it was kind of fake.”

I nod. “And that’s how girls feel too. Is he being real is a big deal. And there’s a lot of guys that aren’t and people get hurt. I mean girls do it too I know but I’m just coming at it from my perspective.”

He nods and he looks at me and he smiles a shy little smile and it’s kind of cute and it’s mostly Nick but with a little bit of Ella in there. You know what? Nick looks like a guy pretty much but he has eyes like a girl.

I just hope he or she can get through what’ll be coming and stuff.

“Thanks Steph, you’re a pretty cool person.”

“How about pretty and cool.”

He smirks at me. “Not dressed like that.”

(Sigh…) “Yeah tell me about it. I really want to get home and get changed back.”

It’s Nick who hugs me with a short one armed hug and we get our bags and we head out to meet up with the parents and Dad takes my bag and leaves me to carry my skates and sticks.

“You okay honey, you took a hit there?”

“Yeah Nick’s dad was being a ‘Tard and riding him about some stuff and kind wanted him to man up.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, I mean I don’t know all of the stuff behind it and I shouldn’t say stuff but…”

“He’s your friend and he’s getting pushed too hard by his dad?”

We get the stuff into “The Pumpkin” and then get in and I look at him.

“Nick was born with both sets of stuff down below and when he was a baby it was (I do air-quotes.) fixed and Nick found out and brought it up and it didn’t go over well and his dad’s been mantimidating him because suddenly Nick’s freaked out over it and wants answers.”

I look at Dad and he’s nodding and thinking and after a few minutes he says. “I can see that happening, I mean there’s some guys that are…stuck on their idea of what being a man is. And Greg…he’s one of those sports dad’s sometimes. Hey we’ll keep a look out on this and if Nick gets into trouble we can help out maybe me and your mom can say something to him and Natalie.”

Here’s not the locker room so boy clothes or not when we get to a light and stop I hug him. “Thanks Daddy.”

And he hugs me back. “Anytime sweetheart.”

We make a side stop since its Saturday morning still and we stop at the country club. Well it’s not one of those ones but it’s a golf place and has tennis but it’s mostly like stuff for horses and stuff. Horse stuff’s pretty big here in Ontario and stuff and one of the big money things with some of the kids is riding lessons and dressage but it’s got all these old barns there and it’s right near this big orchard farm so it’s where everyone has the big farmers market.

I usually just stayed in the van and stuff but this time I go with Dad and we start to get some stuff. It’s like really awesome here there’s people cooking and there’s some baked goods and people selling produce so there’s these smells from the stables and all this dried hay scents all mingled with the scent of apples and other fruits and bread and stuff like pies and the cooking stuff which goes from the bratwurst guy to the lady that does the Indian food and the scent of butter chicken and fresh baked Indian bread.

No seriously her husband made her a portable tandoor oven with like a propane tank and everything. And there’s a line for her food I get in line while dad’s talking to some people and I get us a cup of Dahl each and it’s really good after the practice and he and I sip at it and spoon up the hot lentils which are a lot better that some people think.

Dad gets some stuff and I’m a little happy because I think he’s making one of his things again and there’s red and golden beets and carrots and some squash plus some sweet potatoes. And he buys some of the fresh baked breads there. Miss Carson one of the local artist ladies my Mom knows she makes homemade hearth baked bread in those round loaves and without the GMO wheat and all the artificial stuff and we do try and buy her stuff because one it’s better and two it’s supporting local artisans and stuff.

We head home with the back of the van stuffed with the veggies and other food plus a few things that Dad just wanted like fresh butter and cheeses…which are apparently kind of illegal? And mushrooms, its fall and you can get some good ones in the fall I guess.

There’s a stop at the Bratwurst guy who is actually a butcher and he sells more than just sausages and dad gets this big chunk of pork that’s like the loin and has fat and the skin and stuff.

Yeah yum…he’s going to stuff it and roll it up and put it on the rotisserie thing we have for the BBQ and make his porchetta.

“Aunt Els and M.J. eating with us again?”

“Yep and your Mom wants to do a bunch of canning and stuff tomorrow so I’m thinking a big family meal today and leftovers for Sunday.”

“I can go with that. You think Mom will let me help in the kitchen?”

“I can guarantee it she said me and Stephanie and the girls when she told me to get some of this stuff.”

“Cool!”

He looks at me. “Really?”

I nod. “Dad I love doing this stuff with you but I really want to do all of this stuff with Mom and learn all the old school stuff that women can do.”

“Isn’t that a little sexist?”

“No! I mean some girls might not be into it but I’d love to be able to know this stuff for when I’m on my own and then I can like really cook or I can be like all Pinterest with my friends and people I have over.”

“Pinterest?”

“It’s kinda like a Martha Stewart sort of thing on the internet and it has all these different people doing all these really neat things.”

He smiles at me and gives me a hug at the next stop and he’s grinning all the way home and Aunt Els’s jeep is there and we head inside and Will and rob come out to help with the stuff and so does Mark and Jen’s there too.

I give them a smile. “I’d hug but I’m all boy stenchy from practice.”

Mom just grins. “Go and get cleaned up and stuff then we can go and get out of the way of the boys.”

“Go where?” I let Dad take my skates and sticks from me and mom passes me a shopping bag with a really big and study box in it.

I give her a look and she’s grinning as bad as Dad is.

I take out the box and…Oh em gee.

They’re Riedell’s…They’re Riedell’s Red ribbon ladies figure skates. I open them and they’re new and their white except for the sole/bottom of them which is red leather and red enameled bracing for the blades and they are so pretty.

I start tearing up and then Mom and Aunt Els and Mary Jane and Jen all hold up their skates and stuff and I can’t help it but bounce up and down. “Really!?, really!?”

Mom nods and has the biggest smile and she gestures upstairs. “Go get changed Steph we do have to keep or ice time y’know.”

I Squee! And hug her and grab M.J. and head upstairs at a run. “C’mon I need help!”