(aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2216 by Angharad Copyright © 2013 Angharad
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So much for parental solidarity. Simon isn’t so much a loose cannon as man-o-war that’s slipped its moorings. I felt miffed, he never notices my hair when I’ve had it done, maybe I should go platinum blonde as well. He wouldn’t notice, the only bit he sees of my body is my boobs–and well, like now they are rather noticeable. I went and found our resident cannibal and she clamped on to my tender nipple like a badger with tetanus. [Author’s note: In the first draft of this, I spelt that teatanus–Freudian or what?]
In twenty minutes she’d sucked me dry enough for me to need another cuppa and for her to lie back in the baby recliner and joggle about until she was sick. She was but fortunately Jacquie noticed it before I did and changed her for me. Baby formula smells a bit when it’s regurgitated whereas breast milk hardly smells at all–how’s that for the voice of experience?
“Daddy liked my hair,” smirked Danni as she came back to face the dragon woman.
“Tough, I don’t.” The smirk disappeared and she walked quickly away to see what her sisters were doing. Playing with the Wii, more tennis I expect. I left them to it and went to see what David was creating in the kitchen. He was kneeling down with his head in a cupboard.
“Come out you little bugger,” he muttered to himself.
“Might I ask what you’re doing in there?” I asked as casually as I could.
Coming out, predictably he smacked his head on the top of it and swore. Rubbing his noggin he apologised and explained he thought he’d seen a mouse go in there. I suggested if he had, it was unlikely to come out and face him, man to mouse. He blushed and agreed.
I left him to get on with dinner while I went in search of a Longworth trap. I’ve mentioned these before (they might be called something else, elsewhere) but they’re designed for live trapping of small mammals. You put a trail of bait leading to a one way door and the small animal unwittingly traps themselves in a larger chamber in which you should have placed some bedding material and food. In practice they should be checked at least once a day, as things like shrews (which you need a licence to handle) can starve to death in hours, so fast is their metabolism. As we were dealing with a mouse I baited the trap with chocolate.
“What’re you going to do with that?” asked David as I placed the trap inside the cupboard he’d recently been exploring.
“Catch a mouse if there’s one in there.”
“How does that kill it?”
“It doesn’t, it’s a live trap.”
“Why not just a good old fashioned mousetrap?”
“I prefer not to kill anything I don’t have to.”
“But it’s a mouse.”
“So you said. Did you know a dormouse apparently wandered into a cafe earlier this year. If you’d bashed that you’d have been liable for a thousand pound fine.”
“What? That’s ridiculous.”
“It might be, but it happens to be the law.”
“Well we all know what we think of that.”
“Just remember if it wasn’t for the law, this country would be like a jungle with the nastiest taking what they wanted off the more vulnerable.”
“You really think so?”
“Yes, remember as well, without the law I wouldn’t have been able to marry Simon, I’d still have remained male despite changing my body.”
“Okay, you’ve made your point, but in your case it would have been ridiculous to call you male, you were never male you’re far too pretty and your body shape is far too female for you to have been male.”
“I’m AIS so my body didn’t become masculinised.”
“That was a bit of luck wasn’t it?”
“As it happens, yes, but I’d feel sorry for anyone who was who didn’t have the same gender conviction.”
“Hadn’t thought of that. Now back to this ’ere vermin...”
“Let’s just see if the trap works.”
“Little bugger will have gone to ground b’now.”
“If it is around the bait will attract it.”
“What did you use, cheese?”
“Good lord, no, chocolate.”
“Chocolate? What a mouse with a sweet tooth?”
“Apparently they find it irresistible.”
“Must be a female mouse then.”
“We’ll see.”
“Chocolate, whatever next?”
“Didn’t someone write a book called that?”
“Chocolate?”
“That was a film, so probably a book, but so was Whatever Next, I think, can’t think who wrote it.”
I put a note on the fridge to check the trap tomorrow. If it caught anything, I’d check it in a plastic bag and release it over in the field where it would have to take its chances with all the natural predators that live there.
“What about that cat you’ve got?”
“She’s too big to go in the trap.”
“To catch the mouse.”
“It wouldn’t surprise me if she didn’t catch it in the first place and let it go in the kitchen.”
“I thought they killed and ate them?”
“Sometimes.”
“Oh, I thought that’s what they like, ate?”
“Hungry cats might, a rather well fed, lazy puss is more likely to hunt around her dish than outside–far too much like hard work. She’s a sort of tuck filled fatty puss.”
He stood there for a moment before he groaned. “That is so awful it’s almost funny.”
“Huh,” I said in mock indignation and pretended to storm out. In the hallway I bumped into Stella.
“What has Danni had done to her hair?”
“An attack of peroxide by the look of it.”
“And you let her do it?”
“I had no say on it, it was a fait accompli. I have since registered my displeasure.”
“She’s far too young for platinum.”
“I have already expressed that sentiment to her. Unfortunately, my husband doesn’t agree.”
“That’s all the justification you’d need to feel confident in your opinion.”
“What–because Simon says the opposite?”
“Of course, if he likes it you know it’s likely to be awful.”
“Um–Stella?”
“Yes?”
“He likes me, remember?”
“So he does, oh well, you’re the exception that proves the rule.” So saying she went past and up the stairs.
“Wonderful.”
“What is, Mummy?” asked Julie, who had presumably just come in.
“Nothing, darling.”
“Fine, be like that. What times dinner?”
“Twenty minutes or so.”
“Have I got time for a bath?”
“I doubt it.”
“What the hell?” Julie just noticed Danni’s new hair colour.
“Hi, Ju,” Danni offered as she went towards the lounge.
“Who did that?”
“I suspect she might be a suicide blonde.”
“Eh?”
“Dyed by her own hand–goodness, haven’t you heard that one before?”
“No, it’s quite good. Seriously, she’s too young...”
“That’s what I told her.”
“So where did she get it done?”
“It seems Cindy and she did it to each other.”
“That would explain it. Why does she hang out with that loser?”
“You think Cindy is a bit of loser?”
“Yeah, her an’ that weirdo who did his own sex-change op.”
“Pia.”
“Yeah, whatever. Why does she mix with the likes of them?”
“I don’t know, perhaps you’d like to find out–she won’t tell me.”
“Oh no. I’m not doing the big sister act again for a long while.”
“Shame, you’re rather good at it.”
Comments
Stella's mouth...
Stella's mouth is her greatest source of trouble. Sometimes she can say the perfect line, but most of the time it just gets her into more trouble.
That...
That sorta applies to Simon many times as well. Perhaps it's that generation of Cammeron? :-)
Annette
*sighs*
So sorry Danni's pushing the envelop this way. And, it does seem to be heavily encouraged by her "only" friends, Cindy & Pia... Not a good situation at all!
Thanks,
Annette
You should have left ...
... the pun in place. I rather like teatanus :)
We use live mouse traps but usually use peanuts for bait but chocolate may be a good substitute. We had an infestation of mice last year. Lots of hiding places in stone walls for the little beggars. I began to think they were finding their way back again after release into the fields down the lane but we eventually evicted the lot.
Robi
We use peanut butter for bait
Works great.
You'd at least hope that Julie's opinion
on the hair color would mean something to Danni.
Hair say
I think perhaps some fashion advice might steer Danni straight a bit, and a suggestion that she's made a faux pas with the hair. If she felt knowledgeable to lead the terrible two rather than follow perhaps the rag doll behaviour might fade.
"Reach for the sun."
Puns Are Great
and a fat cat being described as a "tuck filled fatty puss" is a GEM ! Angharad, you are Brill.!
Our language, English english, is probably the best in the world for puns. Hungarian (Magyarosh) is fairly close, languages like German, that require strict adherance to grammatical rules, are not very good for making puns, but when one does make one in German, about 2/3rds find them hilarious. The other 1/3rd just try to correct one.
Pure speculation this, as I dont know any, but I can imagine Chinese should be good for making puns. Many years ago I heard a man on the BBC telling a tale in Chinese about a lion, that had only one syllable, but with different tones. If they can do that, they MUST be able to pun !
Anyway, back to this episode - Danni is proving a difficult teen. Humbly suggest trying reverse psychology to get her to drop those two "losers". That works better on teens than on any other age group, probably because teens are usually inclinced to automatically reject any adults' suggestions anyway.
Briar
If you catch any mice in a live trap ...
Dye them blond, then they'll never come back, (cos' a predator will have spotted them!).
Heh, heh (I can be an evil bitch sometimes.) Though you'd have to use a safe, non-toxic dye that doesn't poison the predator.
Still lovin' it Ang.
Thanks.
Bevs.