DON WE NOW, WREN'S GAY APPAREL.
By Way Zim.

A Somewhat Sour Santa.

It was an uncommonly mellow day at the workshop, as the legions of vertically challenged laborers had been toiling hard in these last few weeks before December 24th's Big Night. And alongside the traditional gnomish cobblers, sprightly sprite seamstresses & rotund dwarfish toymakers, a smaller select gang of pixie programmers carefully monitored the Big Picture.

The Big Picture was an immense snow globe with the whole wide world at it's center, by which the watchers observed both naughty and nice children everywhere. And when looking in on a particular child/childlike person of interest, an observer needed only to grab a random snowflake from out of the simulated blizzard, using it like a magnifying glass. As in this case where a very attentive male fairy zoomed in upon a pert and quite mature young lady.

In sunny Southern California, the weather was hardly frightful - and as usual was quite delightful; made doubly so by the holly pattern black halter top and snug matching shorts his miss wore. This was considered suitable holiday attire for the quite forward ( both in fashion and life in general ) twenty-something female ...

"She's hardly a little girl anymore, Junior. " suggested a loud booming voice from behind him, as H. Jr. blushed at being caught eve's dropping ... or rather, in this case, Wren peeking. "But there's no mistaking it; our Miss Adams' is nicely naughty indeed. "

"Isn't that an oxymoron, sir? " H. Jr. advanced with a touch of superiority. He was the first in his family, after all, to graduate from N.P.U. ( North Pole University ); established by his own father in an effort to keep their gift giving franchise updated - occasionally.

"Only if Wren uses it simply for her own benefit. " the ever indomitable Santa Claus countered in a less than wholly jolly mood. "But she's always been very giving of herself toward others, and never crosses the line into bad taste. Well - except for those times when her mind hadn't exactly been her own. Now those boys ... they've been very naughty indeed. At least from what we've observed, for how can you really know what another person's thinking ... ? "

"Is this about that huge snafu in inventory last season, sir? " H. Jr. inquired, as if on eggshells. It was the boss' insistence on answering every piece of correspondence himself which had been the issue ... leading to some interesting errors for the past few Christmases. Heck! It was almost like pulling teeth ( as Hermey Sr. would've said ) for Santa to even consider hash tagging his workshop for next year. After all, Tweeting was what snowbirds did - not people.

"How was I to remember that USB Port wasn't a toy bus terminal? Or Angry Birds is a game, not a cage filled with PO-ed Parakeets? " Santa groused, only half joking since his learning curve was sometimes a few centuries old. It came from believing literally in what a child said, as opposed to any possible double meaning behind their request. "Again, in any case, who can read the minds of this newest generation ... ? "

It was the slightest coughing sound from Hermey Junior which caught the big guy's attention, as well as a now seriously scarlet tone to those chubby cheeks. "Actually ... " the youngish pixie confessed. "We might just be able to do that - read minds, I mean - although it's still a prototype ... "

"A prototype of what exactly? " Santa interrupted; with neither a dimple to his rounded cheeks, nor a twinkle below that furrowed brow. As with Hermey Junior's father, that nimble and quick mind confounded the less than jolly old elf more times than it enlightened. But the son had gone well beyond dentistry in his own ambitions.

"Ah, it's a way to get into a child's mind; quite literally, in fact. " H. Jr explained. "I was thinking about Magic, and something a famous writer had once said about it being the same as really advanced science ... I mean, we levitate reindeer, for goodness' sake. So I thought if we could simply wire the paranormal into some kind of quantum matrix ... "

"Hermey? I'm not a rocket scientist. " Santa chided him roughly. "It's easier to show me, OK? This isn't just on paper, you actually made something out of it? "

"Even with my advanced degrees, I'm still an elf, sir. " Junior admitted with an odd little grin, as with a twist of his head that sharp nose pointed the way. "Of course I made something. Would you like to see it? "

Taken so by the diminutive developer's eager boyish tone, Claus couldn't help but answer with a deep belly laugh. "Oh, Ho-Ho! Show off a new toy for Santa to play with? How can I not? "

But his abrupt merry turnabout was tested somewhat when Junior lead him down a long cavernous hall to a special whiteout room, where the lone object sat. For all of Hermey's grand expectations, the device looked strangely unremarkable to his rather bemused boss.

The Sugar Plum Paradigm.

"Um, you do know this is simply a recliner? " the toymaker teased, hands clasped behind him as he circled the chair with obvious disappointment. "Then why don't you have a seat, sir? " suggested H. Jr. cryptically - although even with a friendly wave of his hand, Claus wondered if there was something to dread. Still, he'd play the game for the moment, settling his own overstuffed frame back into the spongy almost welcoming ash-gray material.

But as he pressed against that rather plump headrest, Santa heard an almost subliminal whirring noise begin, like old styled microprocessors kicking on. Immediately his vision was filled with dancing candy canes and other confections, which whirled about the room in a festive waltz. At the same time, there was the joyful noise of children and childlike persons of interest assaulting his ears.

"Welcome to the Sugar Plum Paradigm, sir. " H. Jr. declared loudly through the Christmas inspired chaos. "In brief, it's that approaching moment when all minds turn toward a common thought, sharing the ups and downs of the season in a mass consciousness. It's like particles at opposite ends of the universe instantaneously mimicking the other ... "

"Dumb it down a bit more for old Santa, if you would. " the ancient craftsman begged, engaged in spite of himself by this raw stream of festive desires set before him. "Are you saying that everyone on the planet is thinking the same thing? "

"Almost. " Hermey half-conceded. "It still varies with the whims of each person within the collective. But for that period of Time; which I determine to be around early September through to Christmas Eve, you could visit individual minds - actually become that person for a brief second. Let me show you ... "

The little scientist flipped up a hidden panel on the right armrest, and tapped a green button. Immediately Santa saw the Big Picture in a flash, before he found himself looking at a window display through someone else's eyes ... "Hey, I like that new keyboard. Maybe Mommy will get it so I can play Star Wars for Ms. Wren. "

"Hey! I'm the kid she body swapped with, just a few months back. " mused the child to himself, which brought forth another belly laugh; strange to hear coming out of a ten year's mouth. Staring at the boy he now was, Santa felt a long lost feeling of innocence settling over him, although he also had some really mushy thoughts about Ms. Wren. She was sweet, and soft, and funny, even when trying to be strict about their music lessons. She made being a girl seem less yucky somehow ...

He abruptly felt a rude jolt of dislocation as Claus was thrown back into his old body, and there appeared to be another ethereal presence leaving just as he was arriving. "Whoa. "

"It looks like the paradigm works. " Hermey Junior crowed with excitement, checking a holly graphic display which popped up out of thin air. "I didn't expect the transfer would be two way, but being that this was Sugar Plum's first practical test - "

"Wait! What? " squeaked Santa, far less quiet than a mouse as he gave the elf a dark scowl. "You had me try out an untested device? "

"Well, the theory was sound. " mumbled H. Jr. absent-mindedly. "So I thought ... "

"Fortunately it was a good thought, Junior. This time. " chuckled Claus, still caught off balance by his short return to eternal youth. "But he was inside my body while I was in his? "

"He was. " Hermey Junior admitted rather sheepishly. "But I can maybe correct that down the road ... after a few more trials. "

"It was definitely unusual ... and fun ... to feel like a kid again. But I'm of two minds about whether your device is appropriate for our operation. " old Saint Nick waffled somewhat in his initial opinion. "What's to keep someone from using this for less than nice purposes? "

"You really don't stay long enough to do anything else but peek at what they're thinking, sir. But the flashes are quite specific within those brief seconds. I don't believe The Sugar Plum Paradigm can sustain the shift for more than that. I could recheck the math, if you'd like ... "

"Not right now. " Santa said with a boyish giggle, almost an aftereffect of his swap, as they exited the testing room. "We still have a Christmas campaign to organize. "

Even as he said this, the two males happened upon Mrs. Claus as she was coming from the bakery: accompanied by two svelte petite elf girls totting trays of cookies. His right ribald old lady stuck a chocolate cookie between her husband's lips. "And we do have our own private campaign after that, big guy. " she teased him. "So be good, for goodness' sake. "

"Ho-Ho-Oh My! H. Jr! " Santa exclaimed with some dismay as his pleasingly full figured wife strolled out of sight. "If I'm to give her a proper Merry Christmas night, I'll need some of your special blue pills to see it's done right. "

And with that awful risqué rhyming running rampant through his head, for hours afterwards, H. Jr. sometimes thought he was too smart for his own good.

If he sees Wren when she's sleeping, does that make Santa a perv?

It had been well over a week since Santa experienced the Sugar Plum Paradigm, that he was staring intently at the Big Picture. This late at night, while the skeleton crew was busy assessing the damage - uh - work done by the day shift, it was quiet enough that he could indulge in some personal time to reorganize his thoughts; which at the present was preoccupied by two ladies.

Mrs. Claus, that young German girl who'd given up her mortal family for this odd extended life with him, she'd quickly become his rock and his love. But the downside to such joy was that Karenna relinquished her own right to bear children; as she was now mother to the whole world. At least for one special night.

And Santa clearly worshiped his wife: although with such comfortable familiarity, it sometimes lead to a voyeur's wandering eye - which now spied on Wren Adams who was nestled all snug in her bed. But despite those ample physical charms, there was also a quality within the girl which reminded him of Karenna in her youth: such a generosity of spirit and a sweetly seductive nature ...

"Bless my beard and Rudolph's nose! " Santa exclaimed to himself. "I should put myself on the naughty list for such a thought! And yet, what harm would there be in a quick peek inside our girls' mind? "

He peered down the long hall, which was very empty so near the witching hour. Claus felt like that impulsive boy of old, tiptoeing toward the whiteout room and Hermey Junior's special chair.
Only a fleeting moment within her cuddly frame, just time enough to get that old spark back for his missus and forget those dratted pills. Blue was not a proper Christmas color, after all.

"Ah, if I were just a century - or two - younger. " Santa Claus chided himself under his breath, getting comfortable in the cozy Sugar Plum recliner. "I'd personally invite Ms. Wren to come see my North Pole. Now, what did Hermey Junior do here? Wasn't there just a green button before? Now we have yellow and red as well? H. Jr. must have been tinkering, but no matter. Green it is then. "

As he activated the paradigm, the toymaker felt his thoughts stretch like taffy, so not like with the first test. The Big Picture flickered and rolled like an old fashion TV image, before it zoomed into an extreme close up of Wren's shocked expression. But that was only for less than a second before the scene flipped, and it was now Santa who looked out through her open eyes!

He blinked those long fluttery lashes, impulsively clutching a rather tattered plush kitty to his breasts as the man inside awaited the rebound - and waited - and still waited - waited a bit more. Not the same as before, not in any semblance of the word; if Claus could even trust these vibrant yet chaotic senses of this host body.

"I'd better not pout. Definitely, I better not cry. " he scolded this trembling shapely figure and its scrunched up face. "At least not until I find out how I'm stuck ... That's why! " but he cried anyway, until a strange tiredness ultimately overcame his unexpected hissy fit, which sent Santa off into a deep sleep ...

No Return to Santa, Address Unknown.

" ... I've been an awful good girl, Santa Baby, so hurry down my chimney tonight. " that odd pitchy Betty Boop voice was the rudest wakeup call imaginable for Claus, thinking he'd just had the wackiest dream of his long life - until it turned out to be so not a dream! His slender right hand reached out and whapped the radio onto the floor, but still it played on. "Think of all the fun I've missed; Think of all the fellas, I haven't kissed - "

"Ho, Ho! Oh no, I won't. " the former jolly old elf announced to no one, save for himself, stretching this outrageously limber body once - Ok, maybe twice - before sitting awkwardly upright on the edge of the bed. "I won't even leave the house. I'll just stay in one place while Junior figures out how to swap us back ... and does her voice actually sound that childish? "

Abruptly a cell phone rang - and rang - and rang again before he finally picked up, fussing a bit with it before finding the talk icon. "Hello? This is Sant - ah - I mean, Ms. Adams speaking. Who? Kirsten? Oh! You're Wren's bisexual ... my best friend. I haven't quite decided which list you're on this year. "

"My God, Wren! " Kirsten declared with a bemused/borderline annoyed voice. "If you could get any flakier, we'd have a white Christmas this year for sure. Did you forget that our shopping blitz and girls night out is Today? "

"Oh-Ho, I did. " Santa/Wren responded, falling back on an oft tried and more often untrue Out. "Um, but I really don't feel too well. It must be my ... "

"Oh no it isn't. " Kirsten shot back angrily. "You think I don't know when your monthly is as well as mine? Please, girl. Not another of your ditzy lame excuses. Just get yourself together and I'll swing by to pick you up in twenty minutes. OK? "

"Ho-Ho - Um, all right already. " agreed the misaligned elf friend, rolling his - hers, actually - big sexy eyes toward the ceiling. "Junior? Get me out of this, will you? "

"What was that, sweetie? " demanded a voice from her phone. Santa/Wren blushed prettily as she'd forgotten to disconnect the call. "Nuthin, honey. I'll be ready. Bye now. "

He stared at the silent device anxiously, for several long minutes afterward, as shaky nerves tried to gift wrap this reality in something which made any sort of sense.

There'd been no word yet from H. Jr. as far as he could tell, although wasn't Wren Adams still tied into the Big Picture? Perhaps not, since she now occupied his body ... at which point Santa actually giggled, as (s)he imagined that curvy girl trying to navigate inside his huge masculine frame. Perhaps even jiggling his old body in new and embarrassing ways - Shit! Kirsten was going to be here soon!

Santa leapt out of bed, and instantly felt a breeze fly up the oversized nightshirt she wore, to where it teased her in a wicked way that was honestly kind of nice; (s)he confessed to herself. Just that one pleasant little moment made Santa/Wren shiver with delight, as her breasts shook like twin bowls of jelly ... and perhaps about now, a bra would be just right?

He initially moved in fits and starts, but quickly realized that this new body was no different than a marionette or clockwork toy. Wren moved as she was built to move, so the toymaker simply let this female frame decide for itself what was right - and when she did, it felt increasingly nice. Still, if she was to get ready in time for her friend, Santa/Wren really needed to pick up the pace.

But even as a forever married( former ) man, Santa/Wren still felt confused by the more girly items in her dresser, turning one elaborate bit of lingerie every which way until she blushed fiercely. "Oh Ho! So that's where that goes ... um, no. "

Finally she settled on the plainest lingerie she could find, then hastily threw on a still snug pair of jeans and a frumpy brown sweater over top of it. Now for the makeup, which Santa/Wren labored long and hard on; like painting a dolly in her workshop, until she heard the doorbell ring ...

"Ok, Wren. Just what the hell is going on ... Holy Crap! What happened to your face? Either you lost a bet with God, or you're made up for a really cheesy Oktoberfest - in December - and we're not going out with you looking like some scary hausfrau. "

Kirsten couldn't stay angry with her friend; once her panties had dried from the sudden fright, that is. Those lashes were ridiculously thick, even by Wren's standards, the sharply rouged cheeks made Raggedy Ann look like a nun by comparison. "We need to tone this back several hundred points, hon. "

Santa/Wren submitted meekly to the remake over, which put Kirsten in a far happier mood than she'd been, just a few minutes before. After all the craziness from this girl, maybe something really truly normal between them was way overdue. Of course that wasn't what was on Santa's mind. "What would the missus' think, if she saw me like this. "

For the present, there was nothing from either Karenna or Hermey Junior, only an odd clucking from Kirsten as she tried to fix this evidently awful fashion faux pas. She made Santa/Wren go into the bathroom and take it all off, handing her friend a better choice of everything ... from a breezy tank top to modest denim shorts - but no stockings! as Ms. Adams was sometimes wont to wear. Only then did she deem them ready for the mall ...

Faux Santa's Helper.

As they pulled into the expansive mall parking lot, Kirsten grinned triumphantly to herself; the quintessential consumer for all times, as only store employees and a few other super shoppers had just now arrived. The key was to grab up the lots for big ticket items, either online or before zero hour, at just those places you really liked. And since she was already good to go when the gates went up, Kirsten dragged her very confused friend to an open coffee shop just inside the wide doors.

Santa/Wren got herself a mocha latte, seriously topped with whipped cream - or whatever they called that bizarre foam from the can. It wasn't Karenna's amazingly light homemade recipe, that was for sure, though the touch of nutmeg did help to cut the odd aftertaste just a bit.

"Ok, girlfriend, so here's our game plan ... " Kirsten began, before being interrupted by some loud argument starting up near the Christmas Village. "Let's try this again. It's divide and conquer, sweetie. I've got more than enough e-coupons for the both of us, and we should finish our blitz in plenty of time for ... just what the hell is that all about? "

The confused girls saw a youngish mall manager storming in their direction, cursing so efficiently to someone on his cell, Santa/Wren just knew that Justin Brodsky would be on the naughty list for years to come. "Those Biachs promised they could work their shifts, no problem, and we can't possibly get Diane or Tracy here because of their other jobs! What? I sacked them, of course, but now where are we gonna get ... Whoa! Hold up there! "

He skidded to a somewhat comical stop before Kirsten and Santa/Wren, simultaneously grinning while squinting his smallish eyes at them. Justin looked skyward for just a second, as if thanking God, before lowering them again to where these very welcome angels sat. Well, he stared first at Kirsten's face and then at Santa/Wren's breasts, but also his brain seemed to be working numerous options at the same time.

"Ah, Hello Ladies. " chortled Brodsky, so hopeful with his greeting that they just knew he was either about to ask for a date or something even more ominous. "I don't suppose either of you are looking to earn some extra money this Christmas? "

"We're not those kind of girls. " Kirsten declared forcefully, before honoring her fellow female with a cynical smirk. "Actually, I sometimes think that Wren absolutely is, so perhaps .... but, no. "

"Please? I'm serious and desperate here. " Justin begged, practically looking like he was about to cry. "We just lost two of our Santa's Helpers, and I could really use some hot looking ... I mean, such nice looking young ladies as you would be great for the roles. Please say, Yes? It's for the kids, after all. "

More likely it's to save his sorry ass, was what Kirsten thought, while Santa/Wren was considering those children. As much for the girl whose body he wore as anything else, Santa/Wren agreed - but with a condition. "We'd love to help, but my friend and I really seriously need to get our own shopping done. Right now, like today even ... "

"Uh, what if I could arrange for one of our personal shoppers to do all that for you? " Justin suggested eagerly, hoping to clinch the deal before either could back out of it. "And I could forward my own employee discount to your bill. Maybe even treat you both to a nice dinner after? "

"Ok! We'll do it. " Kirsten jumped in, quite merry and bright, as he had her at Personal Shopper. "The job and the discount, that is, but we'll discuss dinner as a maybe. Good enough? "

"The elf costumes are at the village, and you can use the ladies room to change. " he sighed with great relief. "If you have a list made out already, I think Cynthia is available to fill it. Ok then, please be at Santa's throne in fifteen minutes. "

As cheerful as she'd sounded initially, Kirsten still shot a hairy eyeball toward the surprisingly smug looking Wren as they started to disrobe. But that fleeting sense of certainty vanished when the body swapper discovered just what she'd be wearing. And while her girlfriend called dibs on a loose-fitting light green dress, Santa/Wren determined that these outfits were really more for the horny dads than their kids. Still, even with the jagged hem, Kirsten's costume looked surprisingly like something you'd wear to a cocktail party, with a modest pair of panties which were actually slack on her.

Now Santa/Wren's outfit, in keeping with her present uncomfortable circumstance, was a velour fur trimmed mini dress that came down to just below her crotch; which was covered rather snugly by matching short shorts. For modesty's sake, and the kids, she did have a g-string underneath to keep from showing too much in such tight clothes.

"Maybe this was meant for a shorter girl? " she suggested with obvious dismay, even as Kirsten clearly enjoyed the other's embarrassment. This hadn't been her idea, after all. Still, before either could consider maybe switching outfits, they were called to the stage behind where Mall Santa would make his big speech.

"Ho-Ho-Ho! Now where did my lovely helpers go? " asked a booming tenor voice; so not the real Santa's powerful bass, as the girls stood nervously behind a scarlet curtain. "Grab a couple of those fake gift boxes. " Santa/Wren whispered to her Christmas cohort, before she pressed forward through the partition to where the man himself sat waiting for them.

She jiggled just a bit too much; or so she thought, but simply held the oversized presents up to her chest to hide these bouncing boobs. Still, while most of the mothers smiled for the sake of their children, a few frowned - though not dangerously so. Kirsten, on the other hand, was having a great time mugging for the crowd and they seemed to love her back.

This, however, was really suppose to be Santa's big scene, not theirs, so Justin motioned for them to settle down and just handle the kids. Of course Santa/Wren knew the drill, having played at being a fake Claus at rare times over the decades. But never in this role, so she'd forgotten how children reacted to such a cuddly young woman as she.

Mostly they were very good, with few criers among the babies, and even those couple frisky boys were too nervous to be very naughty. But as the hours dragged by, everyone naturally started to get a bit cranky. And this was where the kids began to get weird.

It was a playful whap to her butt by some tiny tot, which seemed almost to break the ice of restraint among the children - a few grownups also - as Santa/Wren quickly realized that she was to be their preferred target of fun. And in particular, there was this quite macho boy of five who stared glumly at the false bearded philanthropist, before turning toward the more curvy elf as he happily declared to his dad, "Nuh uh. I wanna sit on HER lap."

Not being one to leave a such a gem as this alone, the dad looked especially glad while agreeing with his boy. "Me too, son. Me too. "

So the eager faux Santa, seeing this as an opportunity to get back at his more popular assistant, promptly gestured graciously for this fur clad pop tart to take his place and make their shared Christmas wish come true. But when little Randy Junior nestled up against the girl, she leaned in close to whisper harshly into his ear.

"R. Jr. You listen to this elf now, OK? You made Melissa McCarthy cry by smudging her pretty white dress with finger paints last Tuesday. Then you let her take the blame. There are one or two other things, but this was the worst by far. So I want you to first confess to your mom, and then to your teacher. And if you bring Melissa a Fashion Action Barbie, she might just forgive you too. "

She could see his cheeks alter between scarlet and a ghastly white at this reveal. And yet, with the tiniest hint of tears in his eyes, Santa/Wren felt kindlier toward the spooked kid - so she gave him a promise. "If you'll do what I tell you to, I'll come by later on Christmas Eve and read you a bedtime story. And just maybe, you might get a couple of these things you asked for. So be extra good, OK? "

Randy Junior jumped down, looking both confused and happy at the same time. She figured that the prospect of a personal visit from Miss Elf overrode any lingering shame, but he would absolutely be better from now on all the same. However there was his father to deal with, who definitely needed a firm nutcracker, especially since precious few adults were on Santa's radar. But working through the connection with even one child ...

"I don't think you'll easily fit on my lap, Mr. Winthrop ... Randy Senior. " she joked. "And it wouldn't be right for an elf like me to sit on a married man's lap ... NOW would it? So what are we to do? "

Eventually they compromised, as Randy sort of half-sat across the top of the armrests, still with a great view of Santa/Wren's holiday hills ... before her pretty face got right up in his grill.

"Listen up. " she challenged him in a low no-nonsense matronly tone, wondrously contrary for a younger lady. "You think that playing your macho reindeer games on Lisa Carter; that pretty part-timer in your department? is funny? She's a single mother who needs her job, so cut out the flirting, kiddo! Her daughter Lilly isn't having a very merry Christmas with Mom worried all the time ... "

That lustful smile went south right quick as Randy actually looked up into her eyes, his mouth gulping like a goldfish while this sexy seasonal girl smiled sweetly at him. "Here's what you're gonna do, sport. The year end employee reviews are coming up, and you'll recommend Lisa for a full-time position - in another division and away from you. Do make sure she has a glowing recommendation, and a pay raise would be nice as well. The poor girl deserves it ... "

Randy glanced over at his son, who looked a world better than he did at this moment, even as Santa/Wren sternly added another item to his acts of contrition. "By the way, I think that Jillian deserves a really special anniversary for next year, don't you? No Motel 6 this time. Show your kid how to respect women, all right? I do believe you can be a good boy, if you try real hard that is. "

She thought perhaps that he just might, even if Randy did hobble off with a different kind of Would, as Wren Adams had a far more potent charm than Santa working for her - or against her, as that old black magic kept proving. It was obviously making his prospects of getting home all the more difficult, that's for sure ...

Such Lovely Weather For Santa/Wren's Play-Ride Altogether.

Following that rather pointed nip at the noses of the two Randys, Santa/Wren evidently had nipped the collective mischief in the bud as well. Half of the adults seemed impressed, while the rest were made more than a little nervous by her eccentric behavior. On the other hand, the kids overall thought she was pretty cool.

She wasn't too sure what Kirsten thought about all this, however. Her partner appeared more introspective as she passed the moppets along to her friend, after Pseudo Santa took back his throne. He was absolutely not happy at being upstaged like this, but from his childish flash of envy, the one and only Santa Claus got a quick insight into his issues.

"There's a Charlie Chaplin film fest at the Ritz tonight. A good laugh helps dispel a sour mood, and this job is a waste of your acting talents. But try for a happier medium next time, and you just might get that walk on role you've been after. No promises though. "

"Thanks. " he whispered back, not even realizing he'd done so. It definitely helped make for a far less cynical Claus, until the next shift arrived to spell Kirsten and Santa/Wren for the rest of the day. And as promised, a tall mature woman was standing next to Justin, guarding several shopping bags filled with goodies for the girls. She was clearly interested in the younger man, but as was natural for his age & gender, Justin kept missing the signals.

"Wow. " he gushed, with such good natured enthusiasm that he was possibly back on the nice list. Still, there was his inattention to Cynthia to consider. "You two were amazing! And you, Wren - uh, Ms. Adams - that little stunt with the father and son? How did you manage that? "

"Just a touch of Christmas magic. " she answered simply, adding a reasonable dose of humility to her swelling pride. "Like with Cynthia here ... who's a real lifesaver! Isn't she, Justin? "

Hers was a modest peace offering to the snubbed professional buyer, as a quick blush made her downplayed features look very pretty for a split second. Of course the object of her frustrated affections missed it. "It's my job, but I do appreciate the compliment. Thank you."

There it was again, or so Santa/Wren hoped, as with a slight turn of his head he would see ... but just then a tactless Kirsten intruded on the moment to remind the manager of his other promise. "You mentioned something about buying us dinner, Justin? "

The moment was gone but not forgotten by the mischievous icon, giving her new project a supportive smile along with a sly offer. "Why don't we all go? After my girlfriend and I change back into our street clothes, of course. That means you too, Cynthia. Please say you will? "

" I really don't know ... " stammered the fourth wheel, hating to be put on the spot like this. But her unsolicited social secretary simply brushed aside all her protests with the widest smile. "Then you will. That's great. Drat! I just realized that we don't have anything to wear but casual ... "

"It'll have to do, unless you'd like to give our fellow diners an early Christmas treat? " teased Kirsten with a half veiled enthusiasm. "Only if we exchange costumes. " countered Claus mockingly, where much to her relief the other girl readily agreed.

As she'd hoped, the elfish cocktail dress fit Santa/Wren far more modestly, while Kirsten vamped a bit more in her mini as the foursome was seated in an in-mall steakhouse. There was a passing concern about their attire from the management, until it was sensibly decided that neither girl was too immodestly outfitted - now that the right dress was on the right person, that is.

For the record, it didn't hurt that two pretty girls in short holiday costumes attracted more customers; who absently ordered dinner and drinks while they ogled. But as her own group ate, the right cuddly young elf felt even more settled within this sweet figure, and at ease with the attention it drew - which truly started to worry the seasoned male trapped inside. Accommodation was one thing, but he seemed to really be getting into being a woman now.

While she fretted over what this meant exactly, and which pronoun to use here, Santa/Wren was also very concerned about the big night itself. Christmas eve was coming soon, awaiting that dear old man, and here she was; stranded without a single reindeer to her name. And why did it seem that no one noticed the North Pole imposter using her former body during all this time?

"Hey there. Hello? Hey Wren? " a more relaxed yet still stiff Cynthia inquired repeatedly. "Dinner's been over for awhile - were you planning to eat anytime soon? Kirsten says she wants us to go clubbing after you don't finish your dessert. "

"I'm being a bitchy Santa - ah - Santa's Helper here, I know. " replied Santa/Wren as she quickly concealed a Non-Christmas pout behind a quite sexy smile. "Sure, we can go ... as long as you come with? "

Justin seemed even more surprised by this invite than his bashful cougar, who was considering the question for way too long. But if someone was going to keep the nice couple - a work still in progress - on track, that was one mission which girl-type Santa wasn't going to back down from.

"I guess I'm in then. " Cynthia agreed at last, as a wistful glance toward her hypothetical beau confirmed this to be the right decision for all involved. And it seemed like this was going to be the easier part of their misaligned matchmaker's evening. But as was becoming the norm for this miss-adventure, there was always Kirsten to mess with Santa/Wren's plans ...

The club they ended up at was called Misty's; for most of the year at least, but some god-awful punster had suspended a banner beside the hot pink neon sign, which added the word 'Toes.'
This was accompanied by an oversize artificial sprig of the Yuletide plant, hung right over the front entrance.

Now it was expected that the misplaced toy-maker could sense any holiday sanctioned action a mile away, so when Justin moved in for a kiss from Santa/Wren, she instinctively pushed Cynthia between them; letting her take one for the tinsel team.

"Uh, uh. " sputtered both mall mashers through the committed kiss, before jerking away from each other way too quickly for their Christmas cupid's like. But before she could issue a comment to further tempt the stubborn pair, Kirsten conducted her own assault on this comely elf with a serious kiss to that pretty mouth.

Santa/Wren felt her left leg raise up, in spite of herself, so clearly the girl here as she melted before that forceful lip lock. A doe was mostly definitely a deer: a female deer at that, and yet her best friend was bucking convention here when she ... Oh, rut the hell!

"Now that was something. " chuckled Kirsten approvingly, after they finally came up for air. "And I didn't even need to get you drunk first. If you're this easy when sober, how much farther will you go later on? "

Santa/Wren couldn't really say anything right now, as she was still reeling from the festive naughty feelings inside her. But while their frolics thus far were still borderline decent; she couldn't help but wonder if a little lesbian tryst could honestly be considered adultery here?
"Why don't we just settle for dancing!? " she finally blurted out, while Kirsten chuckled at the obvious insincerity behind the dodge.

Of course what with the type of moves the misses were using on the dance floor, they weren't really that far from the horizontal anyway. But when Kirsten tried to get her girl to make an elf sandwich, with Justin between them, that was when Santa/Wren took matters - and her friend's mammaries - in hand. Once she did that, there was no turning back ...

A Very Different Sleigh-Ride.

But before anything else could go wrong - or right, if you looked at it after too many hard ciders and upside down - Santa/Wren wanted to decisively settle things between Justin and Cynthia. So in keeping with the music of the season, accompanied by Wren Adams' uniquely subjective singing style, she coaxed the disc jockey out of a microphone.

"I don't want a lot for Christmas, " she cooed, as Sir Mixer backed her play with some Karaoke Mariah. "There is just one thing I need. I don't care about the presents, underneath the Christmas Tree. "

She caught Cynthia looking somewhat dejected as Justin looked interested, and that was why Santa/Wren kept Kirsten in her line of sight. The comely crooner thought this to be way beyond a round of standard carols or Santa songs with the elf help, especially as she strutted a bit more blatantly to where her friends sat. Still, for the gender bent Claus, it was for a romantic good cause - which made her embarrassment slightly more bearable.

So with a first chorus done and the next verse mostly completed, the right devious young elf slunk up beside Cynthia, wrapping up with "Underneath the Christmas Tree. " before unceremoniously handing off the mike to her startled pro shopper. And yet, shamed faced as she seemed, this thirty something gal felt a tiny hopeful ember within grow to three sizes that day - well, night, actually.

"I just want you for my own. More than you could ever know. Make my wish come true. Baby, all I want for Christmas is you. "

Justin didn't know what hit him, bowled over by her brazen holiday appeal, feeling beyond ready to ring Cynthia's chimes like she was already doing to him. And now thankfully invisible to the soon to be happy lovers, Santa/Wren dragged Kirsten off to a quiet corner for some quality merrymaking.

The clock was striking twelve when the clearly eager couple gave their hasty goodbyes to the girls, before dashing lustfully ( practically dancing here ) away to Justin's ride. Kirsten raised an expectant eyebrow toward her unabashed buddy, wondering if either of them was going to make like a Christmas Cinderella here.

But everything remained unchanged. Her car was still filled with their treasures. Wren was still an effervescent elf - aglow from some extra holiday hotness which made the other girl want to rush home for a long winter's romp. And Santa/Wren herself was so into this scenario, they'd scarcely reached her house before the clothes - like crazy snow flurries - started flying furiously off in all directions. Both were absolutely in the mood for a holiday ....

"Uh, Wren? Honey? " Kirsten whispered in an abrupt urgent voice, while her hands froze to the other girl's ass. "Do you recall inviting some fat man, a midget, and an oversized drunken Doberman to come watch the show? I mean, there are some kinks I can get into, but this ... "

"Oh, like you have boundaries! " exclaimed a rather authentic looking Santa Claus, standing with hands on hips and a strangely familiar tone behind his booming bass. "I mean, My God! Like you are such a liar, Kirsten! Saying those awful things about me, while all this time you just wanted to get my stolen body in the sack ... "

"Ms. Adams, please. " a very merry little man curtly admonished him, just before he was caught up in a firm embrace from Santa/Wren. "Oomph! Glad to see you too, young lady ... I mean, Boss. Whoa! This actually feels sort of nice. "

This once roly-but not quite poly man, now a cuddly cutie, felt a prod from Hermey Junior on just how nice, as her elf aide enjoyed the moment a bit too much while Wren/Santa fumed. But Love was there as well, so she gave him a good smooch before reluctantly breaking loose. "You took your sweet time getting here, H. Jr. "

"Sorry about that, miss ... I mean, Sir. " Hermey chuckled, just before an enthused tiny reindeer abruptly butted into the conversation. Rudolph, with that red nose oh so blunt, almost knocked the girl down as his snout pressed against ... "Um, his antlers grew back in. I guess he really missed you. "

"Down, Deer! I'm not that kind of girl! " Santa/Wren exclaimed, her own blush rivaling the buck's brilliant glow. But now that Hermey Junior had come to save the day - night - whatever - she was nobody's Ho-Ho-Ho. "So I'm guessing that you'll switch us back now. Right? Uh, Hermey? Right? "

"In time. " the pixie programmer procrastinated. "You really messed up the Sugar Plum Paradigm, you know. And that was after I'd implemented a few safeguards to prevent this from happening. You might have noticed the Red and Yellow buttons, naughty girl. "

"Enough already with the gender jokes. " sighed Santa/Wren, feeling a renewed blush at both fairy and deer's interest. Even Wren/Santa was evidently feeling her oats as well, in an awkward manly way. "What did I do? "

One more jab from Junior, almost daring her to challenge it. "Women and machines clearly don't work well together. It's a matter of sequencing, young la ... Boss. If you'd just asked me, it's a simple procedure to either engage or disengage the protocols. Red is Safety On, Yellow is Safety Off. Only then do you press Green. "

"But then it shouldn't have worked at all ... should it? " countered Santa/Wren, still feeling very much like that silly girl, despite her protests to the contrary. "Like trying to start a car in the wrong gear, right? "

"I was still working on that issue. " Hermey whispered in a cute apologetic voice ... and she really needed to get back in her old body, before this sudden appreciation of males became permanent. "And it's all good now. Except for the fact that something more than technology or quantum physics is causing yours and Wren's -Stuckness. "

"It's Christmas magic! " Kirsten blurted out, feeling forever like the odd girl here. "That's what you meant, Wren! I mean, um, Santa Honey. Not that I believe any of this shit, mind you. But you ARE Wren, with all her cutesy quirks and hotness. You settled into being her, so now you are. I'm right, aren't I?"

"That would be a big fat Yes! No offense intended, Ms. Adams. " the elf exclaimed with his usual delight at any problem solving, leaping up onto a chair to give the startled Kirsten a huge smooch. It was a very nice kiss too, which instantly revised her early low opinion of little people. Clearly, there were some pluses to dating an elf. "It means that the Paradigm finds nothing wrong here. With Santa as the lone instigator of the exchange, her/his acceptance prevents any reversal from happening - and sooner than later, it will become the normal state for both of them. "

"But I want my boobs back! " grouched Wren/Santa pitifully. "And what's with these uncomfortable jingle balls? Besides all that, I finally got to where my food plan was really working out for me this time ... "

"Then we have to get back to the North Pole, guys. " Hermey Junior declared forcefully, as the only originally human-type alpha male (represent. )on the premise. "To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall ... !"

"Let's just getting moving, OK? " Santa/Wren interrupted rudely. "And if I understand what you're saying, H. Jr. I simply need some familiar surroundings and faces to get me back in my own body. Right? "

"Essentially, that is all. " chuckled the elf, while giving his still quivering mortal lady-friend the eye. "But we might need some motivation for Ms. Adams to switch as well? "

"You had me at North Pole, you know. " Kirsten whispered in his pointed ear, even while Wren/Santa fumed at what she really wanted. "So shall we dash away all? "

"If you insist. " grumbled Santa/Wren unkindly, automatically putting herself back on the naughty list for now. Once she'd settled her goodies on the sleigh, however, the girl begged H. Jr. for the reins, before shouting out a squeaky call to the still randy buck. "On Rudolph! " for which he gave a noncommittal snort, until H. Jr. pointed a stern finger upward. Only then did the reindeer, using the power of his frustrated libido, rocket into the clear California evening sky ...

Sweet Santa Schemes, as Karenna appears on the scene.

For Kirsten, it felt like being on the Concorde, albeit a one reindeer open version; though honestly she'd never been on either before. Liftoff made the mortal girl only slightly queasy, which was followed by a tiny pop in both ears at the effortless acceleration. She scrunched up close to Hermey Junior, who was quite pleased with the affect as he snuck an arm behind her.

For Santa/Wren, she was just happy to be back in the saddle again, even while still in this young curvy shape. One major difference was that as this familiar temporal ripple of collapsed Time flowed around the sleigh, in colors to shame the Aurora Borealis, it dazzled the girl in a way she'd not experienced before as Santa.

"Einstein's theory made practical. " Hermey Junior explained precisely to his enwrapped lady friend. "It holds us inside a bubble, independent of the Earth's rotation as it spins beneath us. That's how we deliver gifts all in one night, and how we'll get home in slightly more than two blinks of an eye ... and here we are. "

The sleigh slipped back into normal Time with scarcely a bump, as the glow of a full moon reflecting off a limited ice-field below, was muted by a rainbow shimmer before them. Just ahead was an alpine style lodge of exaggerated size, built upon a modest isle surrounded by a steadily defrosting sea.

Hermey gave Kirsten a supportive squeeze of her hand as Santa/Wren gave the reins a quick jerk, where at her command Rudolph brought them smoothly down - with great pride in his work. And while basking in the comforting light of Home, oh so grand, the transplanted toy-maker saw her wife coming toward them, raising her hand - which she immediately put to her mouth as Karenna broke into unapologetic laughter.

"Oh my! " the fine full figured woman declared wickedly, having come alone for the welcome. But out from behind many curtains in the lodge, countless elfish eyes did still peek. "You look so adorable and very fit, my darling. Of course you could always use a few more pounds to your bosom and bottom ... "

Santa/Wren rolled her eyes at such frivolity, upset by this saucy advice until Mrs. Claus gave him a motherly wink. "But you all must be tired from your adventure, so perhaps a nap might work wonders before we fix this - um - this little mix up? "

"Uh, Karenna My Love? " Santa/Wren announced, more than a little miffed by her merry reception. "I'm truly enjoying the fact that you find this funny. And if we could correct it at once, I can really show you just how much I appreciate your humor? "

"Oh all right, darling girl. " Karenna chortled, knowing all too well that in the olden days, Santa brought more than just coal for the naughty girls and boys. "Hermey Junior? You heard the - giggle - MAN. "

H. Jr. chuckled softly to himself, before beaming openly as Kirsten took his hand like she was leading a child. Of course after this small matter was settled, he would correct that impression by showing her his big heart - and even bigger ... "

"You can think about that later, JUNIOR. " Santa/Wren roughly intruded into his visions of a Blue Christmas. "Focus on my problem, if you would. "

But when they entered the whiteout room, it was evident to Santa/Wren's wondering eye that he had been, finding two chairs waiting for them.

"I called ahead through the Big Picture. " the little scientist told the gapers smugly. "So if you and Ms. Adams will take your seats, we'll fix this. Kirsten? Honey? Could you stand in front of Wren's body and hold her hands? Mrs. C. if you could do the same for Santa? Just stay in line of sight for him when the switch happens. Everybody's in position? Very good. And I'm accessing the paradigm ... Now!"

"So when does it kick in? " inquired Wren, before putting a huge hand to his throat. "Ho-Ho- Oh, Hell No! "

"It's should've worked, Hermey. I felt that for a split second ... you promised that this time it would work. " Santa scolded her helper in a dangerous tone. And the threat would have been truly intimidating if not for that squeaky girly voice. "What did we break this time? "

"Nothing's broken, miss ... I mean, sir ... whoever. I agree that it should have worked, honestly it should of. Mrs. C was clearly the lodestone to draw your psyche back into its rightful body. I'm deeply sorry, but there's evidently some unresolved issue inside you that I just can't see. So while I run some more tests, I think it's now up to you ladies - and Wren, sorry about that Big Guy - to try to figure out what that is exactly. "

Junior was in his zone now, so absorbed in his task that even if Santa/Wren wanted to argue further, he wouldn't listen. Karenna saw the indecision on her face, and she went to this girl who'd been her husband, hugging her tightly as she whispered somewhat haughtily. "NOW can you see the benefits to a good solid nap? Let our little MAN get straight to his work, and we'll have some cocoa before putting you to bed. "

And with Karenna as firm in her way, as H. Jr. was in his, Santa/Wren had no other option but to finally surrender to their loving commands. At the sight of some fleeting tears on that tired sweet face, Kirsten likewise took her hand - and this chaotic magical circumstance - with an unlikely state of grace ...

The three women, accompanied by a much more solemn Wren/Santa, settled in the evacuated kitchen for some quality girl-time - if dead silence between them could be considered quality that is. There was a stubborn streak in all of them, wherefore Kirsten discovered she really liked this new Wren, while Karenna simply wanted her husband back. But what of the young lady herself?

Santa sat with a demure sense of defeat, wherein even a simple act of sipping hot chocolate betrayed her feminine mindset. "Why? " she thought angrily, while absently smoothing out a crease in her elf dress. "Why is it so important that I stay a girl? It was sort of fun - at times - but I'm also sure that I really like being jolly old Saint Nick more. "

She caught the former Wren staring at her with considerate eyes, as a forceful masculine half-smile peeked through a beard oh so white. But this new Santa said not a word, for which she was ridiculously grateful. Karenna, however, was apt to interrupt their moment with a return to mischief as she said. "So now it's past time for our girl here to get her beauty sleep. Kirsten? If you'd like to, you can bunk in the female elf quarters .... but stay out of the lab! Hermey doesn't need that kind of distraction right now! "

Kirsten blushed fiercely at that meaningful glare from Mrs. Claus, as she'd been thinking about that very thing. She wanted to help Santa, of course, and yet the heat between Hermey and her was all because of this body hopping nonsense in the first place. Why, if he hadn't shown up when he did, then she and Wren would've - they would have gotten with each other and ... suddenly Kirsten had an idea, an awful idea, an awfully wicked idea.

Of course she wasn't the only one, as Karenna fussed over Santa/Wren 's bedtime preparations, with an extra touch of whimsy to her normal cheeriness. The girl felt somewhat like a dolly as she was groomed with such care, especially when dressed in a nightgown borrowed from the elf help. As tall as some of the little ladies were, the scalloped hem of this fluted cotton candy pink nighty barely hung to her hips. "And still it's more modest than what you were wearing earlier. " mocked the woman with a false severity. "Honestly, do you young ladies today have any shame left ... ? "

She suddenly felt more than just a little shame herself at Santa/Wren's unhappy response, realizing that this was a gal barely one day old - at least on the inside. Karenna grimaced briefly before she let out a deep sigh. "Did you ever miss not having children, darling? I know that it was the price paid for being as we are, what we are, but not having that part of marriage ... "

"Sometimes. " Santa/Wren admitted, very upset with the direction this conversation was going, even while allowing Karenna to tuck her in like she was a .... "But you don't honestly think that has anything to do with this? Uh, do you? "

"Truthfully, I don't know. " her spouse confessed with a return of that troublesome smile. "And I've always considered our long years together as husband and wife to be happy ones. Still, you're stuck ... and for as long as this goes on, could you at least consider it a possibility? That you might role-play being my daughter, I mean. "

"But you're forgetting that Wren Adams has a life of her own already. "

"Not so long as you keep her body hostage. " Mrs. Claus chided the girl, only to softly touch her cheek as Santa/Wren looked tearful once more. "Besides, he's become quite the Santa, hasn't he? and perhaps you're past due for a vacation. Oh dear, don't fuss so. Why not sleep on it, honey? See how you feel in the morning. "

Once more Karenna caressed that smooth face, then kissed Santa/Wren on the forehead before turning out the lights. But if the confused young woman thought she was going to get any rest that night, she was wrong. There were four more visitations to come knocking upon her chamber door, the first arriving shortly after Mrs. Claus left ...

"Now I've been thinking long and hard about your little problem, Wren. " Kirsten gushed enthusiastically as she plopped herself down on the dense downy mattress. "And this is how I figured it happened. You and I were about to get busy before cute little Hermey busted in on the action, right? So while it's true that I'm switching partners for the elf, maybe we should just wrap up our own rendezvous so you can move on into the light ... or back into your old body. Take care of your unresolved issue already. "

Before Santa/Wren could say anything, her lips were already preoccupied with a hot kiss from this mortal friend, while Kirsten's busy hands deftly traveled along the other miss' Christmas curves, down to her ... "Umph! Twis-dun, wuh gnu! "

"It's OK, honey. " Kirsten soothed, as she tried to move round the others' defensive fingers to get at those cute pink panties. "It's your first time as a girl, with another girl, so you're a little shy, but I'll make it fun while it lasts ... Ouch! Quit slapping my hands away, you big baby! "

"Kirsten! Stop It! Right Now! That isn't my issue ... I promise you it isn't. " Santa/Wren hurriedly exclaimed, feeling very much like an intern fending off some copy boy at an office holiday party. "And I appreciate that you're trying to help - in your own very pervy way - but it isn't part of the Big Picture. Somehow I just feel that it's not. So enough with the frisk already. "

"This honestly isn't your thing sweetie? I mean, it's not like I'm molesting a virgin here ... "

"Kirsten? We've had loads of fun before, and you helped the old man inside a lot, " Santa/Wren giggled, even as she held those wandering hands at bay. "but I am very sure. So let's settle for a smooch between friends, and then let it go ... Whoa! "

Apparently friendship knew few boundaries with that parting kiss, but after several minutes - at least fifteen - Kirsten left, giving Santa/Wren a sassy look on her way out the door . "You ... are going to miss this so much, cutie. "

"I think that I might. " laughed the still tingling pop tart, pondering just what Karenna would have thought if she'd seen this. How much more had his - her wife been involved in the Big Picture since the exchange? That was a matter to be settled afterwards, if the girl was ever to become a husband again ... not stay to act like a daughter.

She settled back to get some rest, actually catching at least an hour of uninterrupted sleep before a persistent rapping rousted the misfit from some improbable happy dreams. Whaa ... wuzzle, huh? "

"We should talk, Santa Baby. " it was Junior, all tucked out from work but still in an agitated state. "I really do like Kirsten, and I believe she likes me too, but that hug back at your place? There was something going on there which I think we should fix ... sexy nightie, by the way. Was that one of Jenna's? The elf girl from Inventory? Anyhow, if you'll let me slip into ... "

"I'll let you walk back out the same way you came in, H. " Santa/Wren huffed, wondering if she should put up a ticket dispenser or perhaps a revolving door. "NO, you're not the unresolved issue and YES I'm sure. Go find Kirsten and please let me sleep here. "

Definitely a revolving door, with yet more insistent thumping, so to chase any chance of rest away. And this time it was Rudolph who stuck his oh so bright nose in ... "We are absolutely NOT going there, bucko! Who let you out of the stable? Go bother the does, deer. "

As he clopped off in search of more receptive company, who should pop his head in the open doorway but Wren/Santa, chuckling dryly at the sight of this flustered fair maiden. "And I was so worried you'd be sleeping. The Merry Christmas crew keeping you up, Wren? I mean, Santa, of course ... Duh. "

"Not you too. " Santa/Wren moaned, before waving the big guy in. "Just put up a Do Not Disturb sign when you leave, OK? And I'm guessing that you're here to what? Offer to share the bed so this stupid girl can finally get with the Big Picture? "

"The last would be great. " Wren/Santa agreed with a sly wink, so much like the other's former self that she winced slightly. "But you want me to ... um, get busy with you? Do you honestly think that would help? Because otherwise, Gross? I don't really mean Gross, because my body is pretty hot - especially in that tiny nighty. At least everyone kept/keeps telling me it is/was/will be. And even as an old heavy dude, things are still working great. Again with the Gross, but if you think it would do some good ... "

"I don't think Sex figures into the Big Picture - not in this case. " Santa/Wren idly sniped.

"How can you tell? " Wren/Santa half groused, but with a serenity so unlike the bubbly girl she'd been. "It's not like you can hit Remind on the Big Picture, after all .... Wait! Wren? Just where are you going? It's the middle of the night, remember? "

"Well then! " Santa/Wren shouted from the hallway. "I'm gonna pay back some favors here by waking up a lot of grumpy people! You coming or what? "

"I guess I'm coming then. " muttered the confounded old man to himself; wondering just what this spry scantily clad young girl was so excited about ...

Getting Back To The Big Picture; With A Most Momentous Merry Christmas to all.

"I don't understand what the hold up is, Wren. I mean, Santa " Kirsten complained, even after her girlfriend explained everything to her captive audience. "If this thing you mentioned is the focal point, like Hermey says, why can't you just make good on your promise right now? "

"Because The Paradigm itself won't allow it. " her diminutive lover intervened, jived up from both their tryst and this huge reveal from the former Big Man himself. "Timing is everything here. Wren - Santa, that is - told Randy Junior that she would read him a story on Christmas Eve ... near to its end. That narrows the window through which the exchange can happen to perhaps a half hour? Less even. It must take place inside that timeframe; because if we miss it, Santa and Wren will remain as they are now, probably forever ... "

"Then I have to come with. " Kirsten decided immediately. "You'll need someone for Wren to focus on, right? Yes?

"Ah, although the aberration should right itself instantly, I guess it wouldn't hurt to have you along for the ride ... " H. Jr. began before Karenna put a kibosh to his amore. "If you don't need us, I think it's better if Kirsten stays here with me. We can bake cookies for their homecoming. "

"Great. " muttered the mortal girl in discontentment. "Not exactly the cookies I was thinking of. "

It wasn't what Santa/Wren was thinking either, what with only a day left before the 24th. But as much as she would've liked it to be otherwise, the main event was Santa's big scene; and for the present, she wasn't him ...

It's not that a girl couldn't handle the more mundane chores involved, rather it was the presentation which was the problem. For if even the smallest faction of the countless children along the route saw a sexy elf instead of Santa Claus, well, even Hermey couldn't be sure what impact it would have on the Sugar Plum Paradigm. So like that popular Jewish musical proclaimed; Tradition was critical for this all-important night.

For Wren/Santa it was like boot camp, as his curvy coach ran him through the rigorous routines and minor deceptions that made up the Christmas campaign. But even as the time ran out, the former Wren Adams proved to be a quick learner. And soon enough they felt good to go; as much as a mixed up pair such as this could be ...

Likewise the elf help was even more swift with their work, as the efficiently divvied up toys and parcels were twice checked by a clerk; likely Jenna, as she kept giving Santa/Wren some covetous looks. And with a series of twelve roundtrips planned, each accomplished in 30 minutes, Santa/Wren boarded the sleigh with Hermey and Wren/Santa to begin it.

And Karenna provided for her, along with a wicked Christmas grin, that same red velvet mini dress which the girl had spent the day in - with the hem discreetly lengthened to mid-thigh, of course.

But when to the nine reindeer team Santa/Wren whistled and shouted; a glitch did occur as they all flumped down and pouted. She looked to the lead, who'd obviously prompted this alliance, his red nose blazing strong with a sullen defiance. Rudolph, with his eyes open wide, was upset with the girl ... for not finding her wild side.

Now whether this act was from spite, or only in fun, Santa/Wren knew that the job must still be done. So she sighed in resignation, and with more than a little pain, before turning to the big guy next to her - handing him the reins. "You know how the story goes, kiddo. Time's not on our side; especially now. "

So Wren/Santa called them to fly in a loud booming angry voice, and his harsh commands offered the team no other choice. And they were up and away, but that's another myth, as all the while Rudolph's loud chortles miffed his young miss.

The clockwork was running swift now, as if before a wild hurricane the coursers flew; but would Wren and Santa succeed? I can't be sure, can you? Still, the deliveries were largely accomplished, as neat as can be, although another slight hiccup developed - as Wren/Santa encountered his first actual chimney.

The less than jolly elf stared with some concern at the very narrow opening, wondering just how his extra large frame was supposed to slip down that small hole. But his cuddly instructor rolled her eyes impatiently before giving the big guy some advice. "It's not like slipping into Spanx, you know. If you think of it like a compass, just go in at an oblique angle and let gravity do the rest. OK? "

And so he gingerly set himself on the lip as she suggested, with the pointed corners at both his front and his back. Then, within a twinkling, that portly man disappeared down the chimney, and Santa/Wren heard a faint thud, as afterwards there wafted up a pained voice which simply said, "Ouch. "

She giggled appreciatively at his clumsiness, especially as Hermey helped her manhandle ( relatively speaking ) a bundle of gifts to follow quickly after. For when they dropped the bag down the hole, there was a louder Ouch and some mild cursing from Jolly Old Saint Nick.

And Christmas Eve passed by quickly, with no rest for the weary, although their progress was quite steady - and was, at one point - quite cheery. But the job was not yet done, as with that crucial last stop, all would be made right by making a small boy's wish a special one.

As was tradition with most curious kids, they found Randy Junior dozing on the sofa, sleep thwarting his efforts to make his play-date with the shapely sitter. Touched deeply by his devotion, Santa/Wren endured the original Wren's sarcastic mirth, as she bent over the youngster to awaken him with a kiss ...

'Wow!" he shouted, reducing the volume as the Christmas cutie put a shushing finger to her own lips. "You really did show up ... " he continued in an awed whisper.

"As promised. And I brought a friend along, to deliver some even better presents while we read. " she brightly amended. It was so funny to see that the kid was more impressed by this shapely helper, than by her much more famous icon. "That's alright, isn't it? "

"Yeah, of course. " the boy decided somewhat magnanimously, even as she sat upon the edge of the bed. "But what are you going to read to me? "

"What else? she giggled, holding a slender book up for Randy to see. It was, of course, A Visit From Saint Nick. "I'm an old fashion girl at heart, I guess. So let's get started, shall we? 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring; not even a mouse. Now the stockings were hung, by the chimney with care, in hopes that Saint Nicolas, soon would be there. ' "

Randy Junior stayed ever attentive throughout her narration, even as the minutes clicked ever closer to the end of the eve. And when she'd finished, this sprite of a girl saw him drift off into the purest bliss she'd ever seen. Almost as if just now awakened from a sweet dream herself, Wren sealed that precious state with a chaste kiss before she felt a large but gentle hand on her shoulder. She glanced up to find Santa grinning - both inside and out.

"Well done, Ms. Adams. " he praised her with the jolliest expression, almost like the book but more so. "And with that, I think we can safely say ... "

"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. " came a thoughtful male voice from the doorway, where a much reformed Randy Senior stood with an interesting acceptance of this strange scene. "And thank you so much for this, Ms Adams. God Bless us, everyone. "

Christmas Wrapping Up.

"So, that was way too short a celebration. " Kirsten complained, as she and Wren were dropped off by Santa Claus in a secluded park several miles from their homes. "Some Cookies, Eggnog - with a touch of rum added - and then it's last call at the North Pole pub. And even with our own personal sleigh service, we still have to hoof it. What kind of reward is that for saving Christmas? I didn't even get a proper hook up with Hermey Junior, just some touchy feely action at his work station and ... just what is that smile for, Wren? As much as you got to be the Big Guy himself for a couple days, how much further did you get with all that? "

"I don't ever want to answer that question. " Wren thought ruefully to herself, still absently feeling herself up to make sure that no stray pounds followed through the reversal. That, along with other more - uh - arousing additions, made her temporary manliness something best forgotten. Still, there had been the authority which went with it, as even Santa herself - himself - whoever - had bowed to it. Of course Karenna hadn't bought his shtick - not one bit - but wasn't that what wives were all about?

"No ... she's Santa's wife, and I am so confused right now. " the still slightly off balanced girl continued arguing silently. "I mean, I was him and Karenna was just so ... needy. And as man and woman, we mesh, but ... uh boy." the rest was just too embarrassing to even admit to herself. For all the alleged perks, she absolutely enjoyed being a girl much more ...

Still, it felt like a few of his better qualities remained inside her body, waiting for Wren to make use of them as she will. And if that was true: what gift, if anything, did Wren Adams give to Sweet Old Saint Nick?

But it wasn't until some months later, after things finally returned to her particular state of normal, that Wren Adams got an answer; of sorts. It was sent on a festive postcard mailed from Nova Scotia, which asked a very rhetorical question. "Wren, darling? Did you perhaps leave a Christmas Bun in my oven? Just for the record, Santa believes it's his, so let's just keep this between us girls. Love, Karenna."

So with all that's been said, about Wren and Santa's crazy flip-flopped night; like with that other miracle of long ago, it produced something right.

Happy Holidays.

Wayne Z