When Your Tabula Is Not Rasa: 10

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When Your Tabula Is Not Rasa

Chapter Ten
by Kaleigh Way


 


"Speak softly and carry a big stick." — Theodore Roosevelt


 

The clock read 6:16. The sun was already up. The window was open. I ran, barefoot and naked, into the bathroom, where I peed, washed my face, and brushed my hair. From the sounds below, Arrow was busy making breakfast.

I climbed back into bed and sat with my back against the headboard. The top sheet had come loose, so I draped it around me and hugged my knees to my chest.

Oh, boy! If I had contradictory emotions last night, I had even more contradictory feelings this morning! Diane had warned me that I might feel confused or upset in the morning. Well, I wasn't feeling either of those things... maybe what I felt was a weird mixture of both. Whatever I was feeling, it was messed up.

What I *did* feel was incredibly stupid, but at the same time I felt amazingly good. I felt good and stupid.

I felt stupid because I'd fallen for Arrow's lines, for his tried-and-true seduction techniques, which I was sure I'd find, word for word, in his crazy how-to-do-women book.

Yes, I *wanted* to have sex with him, but... I wanted it to be simple. I didn't want him to be completely in control. I thought it would be a mutual pleasure, a polite mutual agreement of let's do this and then we'd do it together.

It suddenly occurred to me that he wanted me to be angry last night — or at least, he wanted me to NOT be inclined to "copulate" with him. That's where he wanted to begin reeling me in.

Which was stupid. If he'd said to me earlier... after dinner, for instance.... well, basically ANY time before he'd offended me... if he'd said that line "Why don't you slip out of your clothes and we can see what you've got to work with?" — I would have slipped right out of my clothes, right then and there. He could have done his interrogation this morning, after all. He would have had his cake and eaten it, too.

Arrow, of course, didn't see it that way. He didn't want me when *I* was ready for it. He wanted to turn me, to coax me into yes when I was ready to tell him off.

So, yeah... I felt pretty stupid. He played me like a violin.

Still, he didn't trick me. He didn't force me. I got what I wanted, after all. Dammit.

On the other hand, WHOA, did I feel good! I'd *never* had sex like that before. Never. I'd always thought that Kristy and I had a good sex life, but after last night, I felt... well, I felt embarrassed about my performance as Fred.

I'm not going to go into details, but... oh my God. I mean, talk about playing me like a violin! I had to admit, those goofy letters of recommendation were right. I don't know where he learned all the things he did to me, but I wish I'd known some of it when I was still Fred.

He walked into the bedroom while I was still laughing and smiling and blushing to myself. "Oh!" I squeaked. "I didn't hear you come up the stairs!"

"Walk softly and carry a big stick," Arrow quipped. He set the breakfast tray at the end of the bed and looked down at his naked body.

"I see what you mean," I said, and widened my eyes comically.

He tilted his head and squinted at me. "There's something wrong here," he observed, frowning.

"What is it?" I asked.

In answer, he bent forward and whipped the sheet off me, leaving me utterly naked and laughing.

 


 

The breakfast was cold by the time we ate it. First, there was the "big stick" delay. Then, for fun (and to show off) he tossed me over his right shoulder and clomped down the stairs, carrying the breakfast tray in his left hand while he played with my derriere with his right.

"You could have saved time by leaving the breakfast here and carrying me down to it," I pointed out.

"Where would be the fun in that?" he asked. "Besides, now we have to reheat the coffee, and the microwave is right over there."

He handed me the coffee mugs, and lifted me up. Luckily I set the mugs on the kitchen counter before we fell to kissing, and the kissing led to another intimate delay.

"Now we can say we've made love in every room of the house," I said, laughing.

"There's only two rooms," he observed. "The upstairs and the downstairs."

"True. But we have done them all!"

It was 8:30 before we were finally able to reheat the coffee.

"We ought to reheat the food as well," Arrow pointed out.

"At the rate we're going, it will take another two hours," I pointed. "The coffee's hot — that's what matters. We can eat the omelets cold."

He shrugged and smiled. "I do like cold toast."

We sat in the living room and devoured the food, sipping the coffee.

"Another pot," Arrow declared. "Then we make plans."

He wanted to hear about the incident at Exeter, and about my life as Dexie so far.

It was no surprise that he approved of Lane. He ignored my mixed feelings and called Lane "a practical man — a man with his head on his shoulders." He was impressed with the money and advice Lane gave me. "Shows constancy," he said, nodding approval.

"So!" Arrow exclaimed, rubbing his hands. "And now... to Spokane! Right? You're on your way to Spokane."

"Well, no," I said. "I have no reason to go to Spokane."

Arrow was stunned. For once, he was speechless. "Wh... Why... How can... no. No. No."

"Lizzie Martineau has nothing to do with me," I explained. "And she had very little to do with Dexie, either."

"She gave you life!" Arrow bellowed. "You have to see her!"

"No," I retorted with distaste. "It's a weird situation. It could even be a trap. Besides, she didn't give me life. I'm not Dexie. I don't have any issues with this woman. As far as I'm concerned, she doesn't exist."

Once again Arrow found himself at a loss for words. He gestured vaguely, searching for a place to begin.

"I'm *not* Dexie," I repeated. "Lizzie Martineau is not my mother."

"In a physical sense, she is. And for all you know, there could still be something of Dexie, somewhere inside you. You're going to have to deal with her sooner or later, and if you don't go see her mother — your mother — you could miss the opportunity. The woman's not going to live forever. Once she's dead, it will be too late."

"No," I declared. "There is no Dexie left inside me. Inside is only Fred."

We sat looking at each other. For once, *I* was the immovable one. For the first time in our long friendship, Arrow stopped, knowing there was nothing he could say.

After a few moments of silence, he said, "I'm going to take a shower," and he walked upstairs.

 


 

After the shower stopped and his footsteps moved into the bedroom, I went up. Arrow was putting on his clothes.

"I want to go for a walk," he told me. "Do you want to come?"

"Yeah, I just need to shower first."

"Take your time," he replied. "I'll be outside."

 


 

I washed and dressed quickly. After all, I wasn't wearing makeup and I didn't style or dry my hair. I just jumped into my clothes and brushed my hair. It could dry as we walked.

Arrow's change in mood puzzled me. I didn't understand why he should care whether I'd visit Dexie's mother. Maybe it was that thing he said about something of Dexie, somewhere inside. If he really believed that, it would explain his feelings. But I was quite sure that I was the only one in this body. As far as remnants of Dexie, there were none. I specifically asked the aliens that very question: whether Fred's memories were superimposed on whatever was left of Dexie... but they interrupted, saying, "No, only you. She's gone."

If I explained that, maybe he'd drop it.

I grabbed my bag, dropped my brush inside, and ran out to find Arrow.

He was standing in the yard, looking at the sky. As soon as I shut the front door, he turned and started walking toward the road. I had to run to catch up with him.

"Hey," I said, puffing a little, "I have to tell you something." I repeated the whole exchange with the aliens about Dexie being gone. He listened in silence, glanced at me once or twice, and kept walking. At one point he reached down and took my hand and held it for a while.

It was an easy walk; it was all downhill. He obviously didn't want to talk, so once I go to the part where the aliens said, "No, only you. She's gone," I stopped, and the two of us walked in silence. The only sounds were our footsteps, the birds, the breeze rustling the trees, and the occasional boat horn.

Soon we arrived at the ferry terminal, and Arrow bought us tickets. Round-trip tickets. I didn't need to ask where we were going; Seattle was the only destination. I didn't know why we were going, but I didn't mind waiting to find out. Besides, Arrow was still brooding, and he wouldn't talk until he was ready.

The ferry arrived. We went aboard. We got some coffee and took a table.

Once we were underway, Arrow finally spoke. "I don't understand your attitude," he said. "You act as if you just picked up a new body. For you, it's like you bought a new car."

"I guess I do feel that way," I agreed.

He shook his head. "How can you think that? How can have such little respect? Do you know what this girl was doing? Where she came from? Who she was? Where she was going?"

"I don't see why that matters," I replied. "I just think about who she is now."

"Which is you."

"Of course."

"She's dead; you moved in and took over."

"That's pretty cold."

Arrow spread his hands as if to say obviously! or that's what I'm saying!

"It's not as though I'm dishonoring her life," I protested.

"Yes, you are," he countered. "You don't even know what her life was! You don't give a damn about this girl, who basically died for YOU!"

It was like a slap in the face. I opened my mouth to protest, but he went on.

"Don't say that she didn't. If she didn't die, you would have died. Am I right?"

"Yes," I admitted.

"Don't you think you should be grateful?"

"I *am* grateful!"

"In what way? What have you done that shows your gratitude?"

That stopped me. I hadn't done anything for Dexie. I hadn't done anything at all.

"You moved in to someone's else house, and you immediately started changing it to suit you. You changed your name. You're going to move somewhere new. You're going to choose which way this life will go."

"Shouldn't I? Shouldn't I make plans of my own? I don't know that she HAD any plans!"

"You could at least deal with her unfinished business. Think about this: what would she have done if she had one more week to live?"

My face fell. I looked at the floor.

"You know what she would have done, don't you?"

"She would have gone to meet her mother," I muttered.

"What? I couldn't hear you!"

"SHE WOULD HAVE GONE TO MEET HER MOTHER," I shouted.

Arrow spread his hands as if to say, Then THAT is what you should do!

Mutely, I protested, so he said, "Didn't you care for this girl at all?"

Well, *that* got me. I teared up. Arrow saw that, and moved in for the kill.

"Tears mean nothing, Fred. Nothing. You owe it to this girl to find out everything you can about her. You need to know her, all the way down to the ground. You need to pick up her business. If that means stepping into that messed-up situation in Spokane... so be it. That's what it means."

"But I KNOW who she was!" I explained. "She was NO ONE! She was a nobody! She didn't do anything! She was just a kid!"

Now it was Arrow's turn to tear up. "God damn it!" he said softly. Then, mastering himself, he stopped the tears and looked at me. "I never thought I'd ever say this, Fred, but I wish you had gone to Vietnam."

"Why?" I cried, horrified.

"Because we were all 'just kids' there," he replied.

 


 

The rest of the hour-long trip was an intense monologue on Arrow's part, delivered in a voice so quiet that at times I had to strain to hear. I didn't dare talk; it was serious, it was sacred, and of course in the end I felt like a heartless jackass.

What he wanted to tell me — no: what he wanted me to feel — was that no life was meaningless. No one was a throwaway. There were no walkons or extras in life.

"When we were in 'Nam," Arrow said, "I'm sure there were people who thought that we were nobodies, that we'd never done anything with our lives... Even after we came back. Of course they thought that way. Otherwise, they never would have sent us."
 

By the time we arrived in Seattle, I was well and properly cowed. Arrow, on the other hand, was upbeat — probably because he'd thrown a heavy weight off his own chest and onto my shoulders. My feet were dragging as we exited the terminal, and I felt pretty low. Arrow gave me a hug and said, "Don't be sad! You can still fix it!"

He took my hand and we walked up from the ferry terminal. Seattle (in case you don't know) is a city built on seven hills — just like Rome and Constantinople/Istanbul. Most everything is either up or down.

We walked for eight or ten blocks, until Arrow stopped in front of a block of a building made of glass, steel, and black stone.

"This is your stop," he said with a gentle smile.

"The Seattle Public Library?" I read, more than a little puzzled.

"Yes," he replied. "Before you meet your mother, there are two things you need to do: research and reconnaissance. We'll talk about reconnaissance tomorrow. Today is the day for research."

I frowned. "Research into what?"

"Benevolence and his cult," he replied. "Isn't it obvious? Before you go, you ought to find out everything you can about the man and his followers. Forewarned is forearmed."

"I don't want to be four-armed," I joked, snaking my arms to make my meaning clear.

"Well, today you only get one arm, if that makes you feel better. The other one comes tomorrow," he retorted, also (thankfully) joking.

"How am I supposed to do that?" I asked him.

"You ask a librarian!"

"And you think that librarians know about cults?"

"Librarians don't need to know everything. What they *do* know is how to find everything. This particular library has great librarians. You'll see. You go and tell them what you want to know, and they will help you find it."

I wanted to protest, but after all he'd said this morning, all I could do was nod.

"I'll meet you at the 5:35 back to Bremerton," he told me. "You know the way to the ferry terminal?"

I nodded again.

At that, he lifted me off my feet and kissed me, leaving me breathless. Then he walked away.

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Comments

Dexie's "unfinished business" ...

... could be incredibly dangerous to Fred. Is Arrow going to go along for backup? Or throw her to the wolves after convincing her to do something both stupid and risky?

He'd better back her up, or he's no friend.

Randalynn

Good question

We'll see the answer in the very next chapter.

Hugs,

Kaleigh

Now I REALLY don't like Arrow! ...

Jezzi Stewart's picture

He's a con man, but I've got to admit he' good at what he does. He's got Fred believing his bullshit again, even though the truth is that Dexie didn't GIVE her life for Fred, there was no decision on her part to do so; her death just happened! Arrow and this Benevolence character may well be two of a kind. Plus, I think from his reaction to Fred's announcement about not going, he has a hidden, selfish, agenda in wanting him to contact his mother and the cult. Come on, Fred, wise up!

BE a lady!

Lane, too

They all come out of the same box, but they aren't in cahoots.

Things will get worse before they get better, but don't worry about Dexie. Somebody up there is watching out for her. (Me?)

He's manipulating her

into doing something that could be incredibly dangerous. Why? Because he thinks the girl whose body he now is in deserves it. But has he considered the potential dangers?

DogSig.png

Very Cool, Offbeat Story

Soooo, of course I should like it, right?

>> On the other hand, WHOA, did I feel good! I'd *never* had sex like that before. Never. I'd always thought that Kristy and I had a good sex life, but after last night, I felt... well, embarrassed about my performance as Fred. <<

Well, I sort of had this experience, except: I never thought that I was good, I was never impressed with what my ex did (lie there paralyzed until I got her to come) and I was surprised how good my first guy was, but it was like, "Yeah, it makes sense that I was bad. Also, that a man and a womyn who try hard, know what they're doing, are fit and energetic, like the guy and the new me were, can do a whole lot better than ex and I could do......

etc.

Hugs and Bright Blessings,
Renee

Fred Owes Dexie Nothing

terrynaut's picture

It's the aliens that she owes, if anyone. She didn't ask to have Dexie's body. If anyone else might be owed I'd say it would be Dexie's mother, except after hearing her background, I don't think so. Her mother is associated with a dangerous cult. I'd contact the mother and explain that I know all about the cult and wouldn't go near her. She could send emails, write letters, whatever but there's no way I'd visit.

And just for the record, I think the sex between Arrow and Dexie was wrong. I don't want to even try to explain why. I'll just get nauseous.

So I'm disagreeing with the motivations and actions of all the characters so far and yet I'm still reading. That's the mark of a great writer. Please keep up the good work. I have to know what happens next.

Oh! I do agree about the Seattle Public Library. I've been in and by it many times. It's a great library.

Thanks and kudos.

- Terry

Not cool

Sorry, totally disagree with Aarow on this one. Cults are incredibly dangerous, even for a large well trained guy it would be an unreasonable danger, for an untrained guy in a smaller female body its beyond stupid, does Aarow have a SpecOps team on standby or a company of mercs...he is being an overbearing asshole.

Interesting...

I thought that my opinion that Arrow was wrong about Fred's "obligation" would be a minority view, but it seems to be unanimous here in the comment section.

Eric

Confused about characters conflicting morals...

So, when Fred has a disfiguring accident that only changes his appearance, he is "dead" to Katy, Carla and Arrow, who all treat him as if he is someone else and in the case of Katy and Carla, basically cut him out of their lives. Arrow on the other hand loses all respect for his "best and only friend" and treats him like shit (in addition to getting him drunk and raping him.)

But the all of those characters insist that the dead person personal ties (birth mother, etc) are now prime directives that Fred MUST reconcile on behalf of the dead person.

THIS MAKES NO SENSE!

I do think this is what would really happen

A lot of the people who wrote comments agree with what you've said.

I don't know whether it's a defect in my emotional sense, or whether I didn't paint the characters well enough, but it does surprise me that no one seems to have any sympathy at all for Kristy or Carla.

It often happens that when a married person reveals their TG status, their spouse reacts much as Kristy did. I don't think it's much of a leap to imagine how difficult it would be to see your marriage partner of 30 years suddenly turn into a teenager of the opposite sex. No one, no matter how open-minded, no matter how good at coping, could swallow that without difficulty.

Carla, on the other hand, doesn't reject Dexie. She does hold her at arms length, which seems to me perfectly natural. To have the soul of her father inhabit the body of her best friend... well, that's not natural. And for the father in that situation to imagine that he could continue to be both father and BFF, is insensitive on HIS part.

Also, when someone is adopted or has given up a child or had them taken from them, people do expect them to do something about it. It's not really anyone's business, but life is that way. We get social pressure.

I'm glad that you shared your reaction. I'll be thinking about it tonight.

Kaleigh

Why does Dexie...

Angharad's picture

owe the woman who threw her away anything? I say if she walked up to her and slapped her in the face that would be all she deserved and cults are dangerous and (like all religions) should be abolished for selling lies and false hopes.

Angharad