Steve leaves the cocoon of his small town into a world that he's ill prepared to face as hidden feelings begin to emerge. Can he find the courage to accept that he might not be like everyone else?

Chapter 1

“It is easy to see the truth in hindsight but we are often blind during the journey.“

No one was home and Steve found himself sitting at his mom’s dressing table. He’d thought about doing this many times and he had to try it. The table was literally begging him to sit down in front of the mirror.

“Why am I here?”

He tried not to give it much thought as he grabbed a tube of mascara and loosened the cap.

After a deep breath, he brushed the applicator over his lashes. He knew he’d done something wrong as his eyes started to burn and when he looked in the mirror and he saw that his eyelashes were now pitch black but so were parts of his eyelids. Tears streamed down his face and he smiled despite the pain. The results didn’t look anything like what he’d expected but he felt a strange feeling in his stomach.

“Steve we’re home!”

Everything was a blur. Steve put the cap back and rearranged his mom’s room as best as he remembered. He ran to his bedroom and into the attached bathroom. Hearing footsteps, he plunged his head into the sink and scrubbed his eyes until they started to hurt. He knew something was wrong because he still felt a sticky weight on his eyelids. A quick look in the mirror confirmed that his scrubbing hadn’t removed much.

A voice came from outside his door, “Steve, can you help me bring in the groceries?”

“In a minute mom!”

Panic fueled his thoughts as he stared into the mirror, “Waterproof!”

As the panic subsided, he started to think.

“Soap!”

He followed this thought with another brilliant idea.

“Washcloth!”

Steve began scrubbing his face like never before in his life. The soap on the washcloth took a grayish hue, which was a good sign. After a full minute of scrubbing, he rinsed his face in the soapy water and looked at the results. Most everything was gone but he missed a few areas. As he picked at the remaining flecks of mascara with a finger, he felt relief.

He took one last look in the mirror and saw bloodshot eyes staring back. He didn’t have time to wait as his mom wasn’t known for her patience. Right on cue, he heard her voice outside his bedroom window.

“Steven!”

He sprinted outside just as she was pulling out the last bag of groceries.

“Thanks for the help.”

“Sorry Mom.”

She started to hand him the bag. “Is everything ok?”

Steve felt his face flush as he stumbled for words, “What do you mean?”

“Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?”

Steve lied, “Nah mom, I just took a shower and got soap in my eyes.”

“Oh … ok. Well you know you can talk to me if there’s something wrong.”

Steve replied, “I know that mom,” not believing a word he said.

Steve listened in to his parent’s conversation later that day.

“Steve lied to me today.”

“Really? What about?”

“His eyes were red and I think he’d been crying. I asked him about it but he said he’d gotten soap in his eye.”

His Dad replied, “Well he did just break up with … what was her name again?”

“Suzanne.”

His dad added, “Yeah that’s it, Suzanne. He told me he broke up with Suzanne because he’s about to go away to school and didn’t want the distraction. Maybe he had more feelings for her than he realized.”

“I don’t know. He worries me.”

“Honey, we’ve done the best we could. All we can do now is pray that he listened. The rest is up to him.”

Steve thought he heard footsteps and retreated to his bedroom.

“If they knew the real reason my eyes were red, they’d really flip.”

Chapter 2
(Three years later)

Steve’s hand shook as he dialed the number. After the second ring, someone answered the phone, “How may I help you?”

“Is this the university counseling hotline?”

“Yes it is.”

Steve wiped his eyes. “I’m not really sure what to say”.

“You don’t need to say anything if you don’t want to. Let me ask you a few questions and maybe hearing my voice will make you feel better.”

The woman paused which Steve assumed was so she could pull out a card with the appropriate line of questioning.

“Anything you say is totally in confidence and won’t be repeated outside of this phone call.

I’m here to help in any way that I can. If you don’t mind answering why did you call?
“I just needed someone to talk to.”

“Are you thinking about harming yourself?”

“No…. I mean … a little maybe … I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“Like how? “

“I keep having these thoughts, bad thoughts.”

“Have you hurt anyone?”

“No not like that. It’s like …” Steve took a moment to blow his nose. “It’s like I’m just different and I want it to stop.”

“Many people feel that way. Do you want to talk to me about it?”

“I really don’t. I can’t. It’s just too embarrassing.”

“Have you talked with anyone else about it?”

“Well, I’ve got a friend and I’ve given him hints but I’m sure he has no idea.”

“Do you want to talk to someone else?”

Steve laughed, “Didn’t you already ask that?”

Steve heard her laugh, “Yes you are talking to me but I’m talking about talking to a professional. The school offers professional counseling if you are interested.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“I’m going to need to give me your name, address, and a contact number. Are you ok with that?”

Steve wasn’t sure he wanted to do that. “You aren’t going to send someone to my house are you?”

The woman laughed again, “Not if you promise me you are ok.”

He realized she already had his information from caller ID. That made even more nervous that he could expect a knock on the door any moment.

“I promise.”

“OK. Dr. Johnson had a cancelation tomorrow morning at 9am. Will that work for you?”

“At this point, anything will work for me.”

“9am it is then.”

Steve added, “I’m tired and I think I want to go to sleep.

“Are you feeling better?”

Steve thought about it for a moment then answered, “Thanks, I really think I am.”

“That’s what we are here for. Just make sure you make it to Dr. Johnson’s office tomorrow. She’s really great. I think you’ll like her.”

Steve hung up and lit a cigarette. As he exhaled, he looked at it,

“Just another bad habit I’ve picked up in the last year.”

He walked into the bathroom and saw mascara had run down his cheeks but he’d expected that. He scrubbed the makeup from his face and watched as the colors washed down the drain.

Chapter 3

As his father had always reminded him, Steve liked to stand out from the crowd. A look at the pictures from his senior prom was proof of that. Everyone else wore standard issue black or white tuxedos while Steve wore a maroon tux with a pink shirt and cumber bun. The fact that it was a perfect complement to his date’s dress was secondary.

He had to be different.

Steve had gotten used to standing out from others from his success in sports. Although he wasn’t very tall (only 5 ft. 9 inches) or big (150 lbs.), Steve was the starting wide receiver on the high school football team. A desire to improve his speed led him to the track where he surprised even himself by winning the county championship in the mile. This success put him popular with his classmates and made it easy to find dates. Turning dates into girlfriends was a different story altogether but he never gave it much thought until he met Kathy.

"Dammit! Why am I so weird?"

Steve got to the therapist’s office 15 minutes early and filled out the paper work. He handed it to the receptionist who told him that Dr. Johnson would be available in a few moments.
A short while later, a short woman with brown hair walked into the room.

“Steve?”

He nodded and she waved him in.

Like all guys his age, Steve did an immediate overview of Dr. Johnson -- late 30s, decent rack, and great legs. As she walked to her office, he noticed a few other things. She wore very little makeup but what she wore highlighted her features. The business suit was just a bit shorter than he imagined most women her age would find comfortable but her legs made it work. On her feet, she wore black 2-inch wedges that Steve imagined would be more comfortable than heels.

He shook his head. Two years ago wouldn’t have noticed any of the subtle details. He’d gotten worse.

Dr. Johnson interrupted his thoughts, “Your file is marked urgent but you left the questionnaire blank. What brings you to my office today? ”

Steve wasn’t sure how to answer. “Well …. You see…. Ummm… It’s like this. Well, I’m not sure.”

Dr. Johnson smiled as Steve continued to stammer, “How about we start over? My name is Angie Johnson. I’m a certified counselor and have a degree in clinical psychology. Why don’t we just chat for the next hour and see where that gets us. I will take a few notes and I want you to keep in mind that anything that you say in this room will stay between us. Sound good?”

She held her hand out to Steve.

Steve took her hand and shook it, “Sounds fair.”

“Why don’t we start with you telling me about your past. It doesn’t have to be about anything in particular. I just want to hear some things you’ve done in the past 5 years.”

This subject was easy for Steve and he told stories of his mom, his dad, and his hometown. He spoke about his success in sports, his faith, and his life goals which consisting of graduating then getting a good job.

Doctor Johnson interrupted, “I noticed you didn’t mention dating?”

Steve felt uncomfortable. “I’ve had plenty of girlfriends, just none worth mentioning. I like to play the field.”

“Do you consider yourself a ladies man or were any of these girls more special than the others?”

Steve said, “I went out with a girl named Kathy for six months but that didn’t work out.” He looked at the floor.

“Tell me more about her.”

Steve felt himself unable to speak. Why did she have to ask about Kathy? They went out and she broke up. It was as simple as that. He answered, “She was great. We just didn’t work.”

“Why not?”

Steve was getting annoyed. “It just didn’t.”

“I take it she ended it.”

“Yeah.”

“When was that?”

“About six months ago.”

“Are you dating anyone now?”

Steve said louder than he meant. “No.”

Dr. Johnson paused for a second before continuing. “What about sleep? Are you getting good rest every night?”

“Not really.”

“Any idea why?”

“Not really.”

“Any interests outside of class?”

“None really.”

“What about drugs? Are you taking any drugs that you didn’t want to admit to on your chart? This is just between us.”

“I drink wine but that’s about it.”

Dr Johnson wrote something in her notebook, “How much?”

“I don’t know. Maybe 2-3 bottles a week?”

“When was your last date??”

Didn’t they already talk about his dating? “When Angie and I broke up. I already told you that. Doc, this is starting to feel like an inquisition.”

Dr. Johnson didn’t answer and continued to write in her notebook. When she finished, she said, “We are almost out of time so let’s recap th…..”

Steve felt a sudden panic and blurted. “See here’s the thing - I think I’m gay but I’m not sure because I don’t like guys and I know I loved Kathy but she won’t talk to me anymore because she thinks I’m a freak and she might be right because I’m not like other people….”

Dr. Johnson was writing and holding up her hand for him to slow down.

“I mean I think things, things I don’t really understand and I try not to understand but I do feel things and then I act on them and like I started smoking which I hate but I do it anyway and it makes me feel bad but I like it and well … see here’s the thing. I like to dress in girls clothes.”

The corners of Dr. Johnson’s mouth curved slightly as she spoke. “Slow down. I can only write so fast. We are just about out of time but I think we’ve made good progress today.”

This comment surprised Steve, “What? Progress? How?”

“I was concerned when you arrived that your request for this session came from the counseling hotline but when you got here you didn’t want to talk about it. Now you do. That’s progress.”

“It didn’t feel like much.”

“Trust me it was. We need to meet more but for now I’m going to prescribe some meds to help you sleep better at night.“

“That’s it? Doesn’t it worry you Dr. Johnson that I might use them to kill myself?”

“Call me Angie and if you wanted to do that there are many other ways you could do it. A good night’s sleep can cure many problems but if you need to talk, here’s my card. The number can get in contact with me day or night.”

“OK.”

“I have a free slot on my schedule every Thursday at 2pm. Can you meet at that time every week?”

“Sure.”

“See you next week.”

Chapter 4

As Steve walked home, he thought back to his freshman year. College for many kids from city is the next step in the process. College for a country boy like him is culture shock of extreme proportions. He often thought it would be like taking someone from the 1800s and sending them to Vegas for a weekend. Many small town kids can’t handle it and Steve knew he was no different. He almost fell over the first week at school when a guy in his dorm introduced himself by saying,

“Hi, I’m Tim and I’m gay.”

A breeze could have pushed him over. He’d never known anyone that was openly gay. People in his hometown never discussed the topic and when they did it was in hushed tones. Tim on the other hand seemed proud of announcing it to everyone.

He laughed when he thought about his first trip to the communal showers after Tim’s announcement. Tim stood naked in the shower and Steve hesitated to enter. Tim noticed it and embarrassed him by asking the group if they thought that Steve was too scrawny to be a proper date for a guy like him. Everyone laughed.

No one seemed to care that Tim was gay and it took a while but eventually it dawned on Steve that Tim was pretty much the same as everyone else. The only thing different was he liked guys instead of girls. Steve tried not to think about the sex part but Tim didn’t make it any easier. He knew Steve was uncomfortable with the subject and he loved to tease him with tales of his sexual conquests. That didn’t stop them from becoming friends.

Things started to feel normal after the shock of the first month. Steve definitely liked the freedom that came with not having his parents around. He learned a new appreciation for alcohol and that gave him the confidence for the first of many sexual encounters. Classes were easy and there was a party every night so it left a lot of time for experimentation. He knew the freedom changed him forever and his dad let him know he didn’t like some of the changes especially since he’d let his hair grow out.

“I’m not paying for you to go to school to come back as a foul mouthed hippie.”

Steve knew his language had gotten bad while he was away but he also knew he’d make a bad hippie as he’d tried to smoke a joint and decided it wasn’t for him. He satisfied his Dad with the comment that his hairstyle copied current trends in Nashville and promised to watch his language in the future.

That first year at school was liberating and once he returned home, he couldn’t wait to go back. The world was much different than he realized and his high school friends seemed boring in contrast to the ones from school. They noticed the differences in him too but mostly that he replaced his normal jeans and a T-shirt with dockers and a button-down shirt. His mom was glad to see him wearing nicer clothes but less so when they went shopping for his sophomore year. The conversation reminded him of the discussion they’d had when he picked out the maroon tux for prom. This time she took a direct approach to voice to let him know she wasn’t happy.

“You want a pink shirt?”

“It will make the girls think I’m sensitive”.

His mom shook her head. “If you say so.”

Steve knew his mom was too reserved to ask a bold question like … “Are you gay?”

Like all mom’s her forte was guilt trips and now, even two years later, he laughed as he remembered their conversation. Even though he was friends with Tim, the idea of homosexuality seemed foreign. It wasn’t that long ago that he’d even understood what the word faggot meant. That was when the story of Johnny Collins made its way around town. Steve was in 8th grade and he remembered the town’s reaction like it was yesterday.

“Did you hear that Johnny Collins boy went off to college and now is a queer? “

“Yeah I heard that.”

“He was such a good kid. Why would he go off and do something like that?”

“Who knows but I really feel for is his mother.”

“Me too. I will say a prayer for them.”

Things like that just didn’t happen in his town. When the scandal broke, he tried to sympathize with Johnny but for the life of him couldn’t figure out why anyone would be gay. Steve knew he liked girls.

The day he bought the pink shirt his mom asked him if he’d run into Johnny Collins. Steve smiled. “No mom. He graduated last year.”

She gave him a blank stare then pursed her lips, “I blame his parents. You have to instill the right values in your kids or that will happen. I know that would never happen to you and your brother because your father and I raised you right.”

Steve did agree with his mom in that respect. He wasn’t gay because he’d been raised right. It was as simple as that.

Chapter 5

Steve showed up early to his next appointment with Dr. Johnson feeling excited to finish what he had started the week before. He hoped she could help him. Today Angie had on a long blue dress, high heels, and a lot more makeup. Steve stared at her technique until he noticed her staring back.

She asked with a slight smile, “Good to see you again Steve. How was your week?”

“Great thanks. I slept much better.”

“That’s good to hear. The root of many problems can come from a lack of sleep,” she picked up her notebook and read for a bit before continuing, “We ran out of time last week so why don’t we pick up where we stopped?”

Steve felt uncomfortable starting the discussion. “Where was that?”

Doctor Johnson smiled, “Come on Steve.”

Steve looked at the ceiling and started. “Well. The thing is I don’t know what my problem is and that’s why I decided to come and see you. I mentioned that I’ve been dressing in women’s clothes?”

Doctor Johnson nodded and scribbled a few notes. “Yes.”

“It started last year and I can’t explain it. The first occasion was a stupid costume party. Kathy literally begged me to dress up like a woman for Halloween and we both liked it so much that we used it to role play but she grew bored of it. I found myself thinking about it all the time. I loved the feel of the dress and the makeup and I started wearing it even when I was alone in my apartment. Evenutally Kathy found out. I tried to explain but she freaked out. I told her it wouldn’t happen again but a few weeks later she found my secret stash of items I’d been buying and she wouldn’t listen. We broke up a few days later.”

“Does Kathy smoke?”

“Yeah. How’d you know?”

“Just a hunch.”

Steve nodded. “Yeah, I never smoked until we met and I didn’t try it until we got serious. I was always after her to quit but I eventually gave in. I didn’t like it much but it seemed to bring us closer. After we broke up, I tried to quit a few times but eventually I found myself doing it all over again. I’m easily up to a pack a day.”

“I noticed you carrying menthol 100s. Is that Kathy’s brand?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you smoke in public?”

“Sometimes.”

“Does it bother you to smoke in public?”

“A bit at first but I got over it.”

“How do your friends feel about it?”

Steve laughed, “Friends? I guess the ones that have seen me were disappointed but they really haven’t said much.”

“What about your parents?”

“They don’t know and I can’t tell them because it would crush them. My dad still holds out hope I’m going to go out for the track team in the spring. I don’t have the heart to tell him I doubt I could jog a quarter mile without needing to stop.”

Doctor Johnson made a few more notes. “Why do you care so much about what your parents think?”

“Well they’re my parents. I mean they always told me that smoking was bad and here I am ignoring their warnings. I know they are right but I just can’t stop.”

“None of us are perfect Steve. How do you know they wouldn’t accept it?”

“It’s just different. I can’t disappoint them.”

The conversation drifted for a while until Dr. Johnson said, “We are almost out of time but I think we are making good progress.”

“We are? We didn’t talk about much.”

“We spent the whole time talking about your feelings instead of the last two minutes. I’d say that’s progress.”

“If you say so Doc.”

“See you next week.”

Chapter 6

As Steve walked home, he considered what Angie had said about Kathy and smoking. It’s funny she picked up on that as he’d never connected the two before. All he knew was he really missed her. Everything had all started so promising but then again he hadn’t told the Doctor everything. It was hard to talk about.

His sophomore year started just like freshman year. His new look was definitely a hit with the ladies which lead to a lot more parties and a lot less studying. For some reason, he found he had as many girl friends as guy friends. These settled into a series of platonic relationships, which led his male friends to complain that he needed to share his harem. His response was always, “You guys just don’t understand.”

Things changed when he met Amy and Sue. He met them late one night in a bar and they were nice enough to offer him a ride home. He was a too drunk to give proper directions so they let him crash on their coach. When he woke, he realized they lived less than a block from his dorm and before he knew it, he was spending most of his free time in their apartment. His partying had hurt his grades and Steve knew he needed to pull back from the bar scene. Their apartment became his refuge and they began a routine of drinking wine in their apartment and watching old movies after they finished their studies.

It was nice to have good friends like Sue and Amy though he couldn’t have known they would doom his relationship with Kathy before it started. He remembered the exact date. It was the morning after his 20th birthday.

Steve had been partying all night with his friends and he decided it would be funny to make a late night visit to their apartment. It was a Tuesday night and he woke them before passing out on their couch. As he slept, they plotted their revenge. He woke late the next morning and saw they were gone. He didn’t take time to think about it as he was late for class and ran home to get his books. He didn’t have time for a shower so he put on a hat and ran to class. As he was running, he noticed that people were staring but ignored it. When he got to class, things started to make sense when he noticed his lab partner was also staring at him and she asked,

“Are you wearing blush?”

He rubbed his fingers on his cheeks and saw a reddish powder on his fingertips. He blushed for real as he lied, “I don’t think so”.

At this point, the exertion of running all the way across campus caused him to sweat and it started dripping across his face. She laughed, “Perhaps you aren’t wearing blush but now your mascara is definitely running”.

Steve made a dash for to the bathroom and when he looked in the mirror, he saw his face was a swirl of colors from the makeover he’d received while sleeping. All the funny looks he’d gotten as he ran to class now made sense. As he scrubbed his face, a memory of his mom’s dressing table flashed in his brain. He scrubbed harder then returned to the classroom.

When he sat, he whispered to his lab partner, “I’m going to kill my friends.”

She laughed, “It actually didn’t look that bad until you started sweating.”

“I’m still going to kill them.”

That afternoon, Amy and Sue broke into laughed so hard they started crying as Steve told them the story. They especially liked the when he told them about the classmate complementing them on their handiwork.

Steve specifically remembered Susan’s comment. “You know, you actually were pretty easy to make over. I think you’d make a pretty believable girl.”

Steve blamed his slender build. It had always been a curse. He’d always been smaller than his most of his friends and his older brother teased him unmercifully by calling him a runt. It didn’t help that his brother had the husky frame of his dad.

Despite the prank, Steve started to spend even more time with Amy and Sue. Nights on their couch became commonplace and their friendship evolved into the closest relationship he’d ever known outside his mom and dad. The fact that it wasn’t sexual didn’t bother him in the slightest which is why the conversation with Sue at the end of the year really made him mad.

“I love you like a brother and I really don’t care if you are but I have to know. Are you gay?”

The question stunned Steve, “What?!?! What do you mean?”

“Just answer the question. Are you gay?”

Steve answered, “Of course not. I’ve slept with dozens of women in the last two years. The number of men I’ve slept with remains at zero.”

Sue didn’t let up. “But you aren’t serious with any of them. You jump from woman to woman without any real intent. You don’t even seem to like women all that much.”

Steve answered sarcastically, “I like you two.”

“That’s the thing. I’m glad we are friends but I’ve practically thrown myself at you since we’ve met and you’ve never taken advantage. Why stay here so much if you aren’t interested?“

Her question hurt, “I like to think it is because I value your friendship.”

“I don’t know Steve. There’s something that isn’t quite right about you.”

Steve didn’t know how to respond. He’d been good friends with Sue for over six months. How could she ambush him with a question like that? He needed to talk to someone and could only think of one person to call that might understand.

Tim was surprised when he called as they’d lost touch since freshman year. They decided to meet at the college union for lunch.

Steve started the conversation, “I have a question and you were the only person I could think to ask.”

Tim didn’t say anything.

Steve asked, “How did you know you were gay?”

Tim smiled. “Why do you ask?”

“Why do you think? “

“I’m sorry it’s just … well… that’s a funny question coming from you.”

“Please, I’m serious and this is tough for me.”

“I know it is and I’m sorry. It’s just that this isn’t that easy for me to talk about either.”

This surprised Steve. Tim had always been open about his sexuality, “But you’ve always seemed so nonchalant...”

“Trust me, it’s an act but I think it is different for everyone. I knew from a young age that I was attracted to men but it was confusing. I mean it’s not like there’s a handbook on these types of things. I didn’t want to be different so when I was a teenager I went on a few dates with girls but it didn’t feel right. It isn’t like I have no attraction to women but there was no spark. I worked through a lot of self-hatred but eventually I went out with another guy. I can’t explain it but it just felt right. I’ve never looked back after that.“

“I don’t think I could ever do that.”

“Then why are you asking?”

Steve stumbled, “Well see there’s this girl. And you see…”

Tim nodded as Steve paused.

“You can’t ever repeat what I’m about to say. You’ve got to promise me.”

Tim said, “OK”.

“I mean really promise me.”

Tim laughed and raised his right arm, “OK. I promise not to repeat what you are about to say.”

Tim had picked on Steve but knew he could trust him. “Thanks Tim. This is just hard for me. You see I’m wondering … well ... I’m not really sure but someone told me they think I might be gay and I’m wondering if they might be right.”

“Why do you think that?”

“I go out on a lot of dates but I can’t seem to find a girl I want to be my girlfriend. Some of my friends have noticed it and even a few have commented on it. I just don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“Let me ask you a question – Are you attracted to men?”

“No. At least I don’t think so.”

“Do you ever have gay dreams?”

Steve laughed, “No, never.”

“Are you attracted to women?”

“Definitely.”

“I’m no therapist but you don’t sound gay to me. I had gay dreams long before I ever thought about asking anyone out. I think it was my subconscious mind trying to point me in the right direction but it took me a long time to listen. Do you have many odd dreams?”

“All the time but they rarely involve anything sexual.”

“Your best bet is to talk to a professional but in my opinion you are just an asshole with commitment issues.” A smile crept on to Tim’s face.

“Fuck you too Tim”, Steve said smiling. “And thanks.”

They both laughed as they shook hands before parting, “Anytime Steve. If you do decide to join the other team, look me up. I’ve been told I give a heck of a …“

Steve covered his ears at the start of one of Tim’s favorite taunts, “La-La-La … I’m not listening!”

Finals sophomore year came soon enough and another school year was over. He returned home and was once again amazed to find how little had changed while he was gone. He spent his summer in the fields. It was hard work but the pay was decent. His dad was still complaining about his “hippie hair” and on the hotter days he considered cutting it but decided instead to pull it back into a ponytail. He spent his nights catching up with his high school friends at a local tavern. It seemed like half his class had already gotten married and most of them had kids on the way. He couldn’t imagine settling down that quick.

He loved a few things about being home. Mom had dinner on the table every night at 5:30 and she did his laundry every week. After dinner, Dad was in his favorite chair complaining that the liberal media was ruining everything and that the country was going to hell. Even now, a year later, Steve smiled as he thought about it. The whole town showed up to church on Sundays to hear Pastor Dan give another of his famous sermons. Steve knew he always felt better after hearing one of his stories.

Working in the fields was boring and that gave Steve a lot of time to obsess about Sue’s comment. He thought about talking to Pastor Dan but the whole thing was too embarrassing. Thoughts crept into his subconscious. That summer was when the first dreams occurred but they were nothing like the one’s that Tim described. 2-3 times a week he woke in a cold sweat with the memory of sitting at his mom’s dressing table while Amy and Susan applied makeup to his face. They worked for hours and when they turned the chair to face the mirror, he saw a beautiful girl staring back.

The memories of this dream haunted his thoughts. What did it mean? As luck would have it, his parents were shopping in the city on one of his days off. They’d be away for hours and he couldn’t help himself. Again he found himself sitting at his mom’s dressing table looking at the confusing array of bottles. There were all sorts of eyeshadow, a few types of blush, mascara and eyeliner, crèmes and ointments, nail polish, lipstick, and lipliner. He’d never paid much attention to just how much stuff women used to make themselves beautiful. He shaved and did what seemed to make sense. He applied base then quickly added eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara. It took a lot longer than he expected and it was a lot more difficult than he’d ever realized. He even poked himself in the eye again. He added blush then applied red lipstick and lipliner for the final touch.

As he looked at himself in the mirror, he laughed as the image from his dream looked nothing like this. The eye shadow was applied unevenly and he’d put on enough eyeliner to make a raccoon jealous. The blush and bright red lipstick combined to make it look like he was a candidate for the circus. After a last glance in the mirror, he put everything back where he found it and retreated to his room. He sat in bed with a content feeling as the makeup dried. He fell asleep and woke in a panic until he realized his parents weren’t home yet. He hurried into the bathroom and scrubbed his face.

It would have been nice if the shame of that afternoon was as easy to wash away.

This is part 1 of 7 and I plan post another part each week. If you can't wait, you can find the entire story at fictionmania under the name "Small Town Journey".