Stay a little bit longer

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The smell of tea wakes me up.

Not good tea either but that orange pekoe that someone’s plopped in a teapot and think that you can keep it on the heat after the water’s been boiled.

I’m going to taste the teabags.

I can take this, I can take the canned milk in it, I can take anything really.

Except all of this…

Of losing them for good maybe...

When I met Sarah she’d been Shaun and yes she’d been a man. Well I thought that she was one for the longest time.

All through us dating.

Shaun was wonderful, my best friend and a really old school charmer.

And I don’t mean the stuff where he’d run lines and stuff. No, when Shaun thought you were beautiful he meant it. He’d open doors for me, pull out my chair, bring an umbrella if he thought it was going to rain out.

And it wasn’t any bull either, he genuinely loved to do those things.

One year was all we dated and then he went ROTC from college and into the air force. He loved to fly, loved being up there in the blue and the free.

That’s what he called it.

We wrote lots when he was away, got together on leave and the sex…well it was amazing. I wasn’t a blushing virgin when we met though he was and I never though it odd that he never gallivanted around with all those beauties of the nights on tour.

He was a sweetheart, my sweetheart.

We had gotten married after his first tour and Shane and Tara followed the year after that, and the year after that.

Then he got worse.

Mood swings, nightmares and he’d lose his temper.

Never on me, never on the kids but he’d go out into the garage and work his boxing bag without gloves until he bruised his hands and cut them sometimes.

He drank too for awhile…well it was right up until…

I saw it.

Shane wanted to play and had his soccer ball and Shawn had just cracked a beer. He was never a happy drunk, usually he drank I think to forget and that never helped either.

But Shane saw Shawn crack that beer and there was that little sigh…and he went off to play alone. Only Shawn saw that. He poured out the entire case of beer after that and e cried a little and quietly while he did it.

I hugged him as he did it and there was such a shudder that went through him. It nearly broke my heart that it felt so…like the stuff in him was just so…strong.

“I’m not going to be him Mare, I’m not…I can’t.”

Mare, kind of our thing for Mary. I like horses and well it just sort of stuck.

And “Him” that was his dad.

I don’t like the man no matter how old he is, he’s a prick.

And mean, unfriendly and yes all the times I’ve seen the man he’d a drink in hand.

I hugged him and when the last beer was poured out he washed his face in the sink washing the last of the beer away and he kissed me sweetly. Then he changed to his sneakers and went out to play.

I love her for that.

Her…damned right, because now knowing what I know, all the stuff I learned. To get the strength to set everything that must have been screaming to get out and go into dad mode.

When she was really…

I take a swallow of the tea pulling a face and look at my mom.

It’s good of her to be here. I can overlook the tea.

Things still got worse though, all the stuff in the forces coming out, the stuff inside breaking down too and when the big breakdown had happened…Shaun tried to stop it, I know he did but we were in the mall getting clothes for Tara and we saw a trans woman…and there were so people that were pretty rude.

It didn’t help that I didn’t get it at the time at all and said. “I hope he doesn’t use the women’s changing rooms.”

He looked at me and stared and stared and there were streams of tears running from his eyes as he looked at me.

I don’t think he even knew he had started crying.

“Why would it matter?”

“Why would what matter?”

“Why would it matter if she used the ladies change room.”

“Because he’s not a woman?”

“She is.”

“No…look I can tell, he’s trying really hard and stuff but he’s got a long way to go.”

“Not all of us are able to pass right off the start Mary.”

“…………………………..Not all of us? Shaun what the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m not a man Mary.”

“What? Okay this…this is sick Shaun and it’s not funny.”

Yes, I know one of a lot of bad choices of words.

He looked right at me and wiped his eyes off with the backs of his hands…he gave me a serious a look as anything he’d ever given me and he said. “I’m not joking Mare…I never was…I was never a guy, never a boy, never a man…I’m just like her.”

And that was when I honestly think I first met Sarah as she took the car keys out of her pocket and put them on the store counter and she stormed away.

Just guessing at the hurt and the crying that night has kept me awake a lot.

Shaun got a motel room and didn’t come home that night.

I’d like to be able to say I handled everything after that better but I didn’t.

We had fights.

I jumped her verbally as soon as she came home.

How could he do this to me?

Sadly my first reaction, second, third too. As that first month went past. I took the kids, left Sarah and moved home.

Which I hated… I hated my hometown a lot. I hated coming back like this. I hated the inevitable whispers.

I was losing my best friend, losing my husband, my sexuality…I was suddenly a lesbian if that’s the way that you think about these things and my marriage was over.

And I was still nowhere near nice when Shawn showed for time with the kids.

Because I put it all on him.

On her.

Even when I’d…I’d need something, they’d be there. Like Shawn buying a new snow blower when I didn’t have one at the house I was in.

That he was paying the rent on. It was just…he was that target…my life blew up and I couldn’t get why?

Only the last big fight…. The stuff I said…he looked different, something…he’d started. The hormone thing and he was over in guy mode trying. But I lost it…was a total bitch and honestly I know half of the stuff was bullshit. I took every little thing about us and al the stuff I’d been through since and unleashed hell on them.

I wasn’t expecting Sarah to fight back.

I didn’t listen either since I was more concerned about being right, about winning but it wasn’t me fighting, me just yelling at Shaun and Shaun taking it…because honestly that’s what Shaun did.

Sarah was here to stay and it was my first married fight with another woman and we ended up screaming at each other.

She left in tears, I stayed in bed for a week in tears and depression.

Mom, practically moved in which just sort of made stuff worse.

Then we got separated.

And the kids being older…well Shaun barely showed except to pick them up.

And I lost it once on the kids when they were talking about Sarah and how much they liked her and when it clicked just who this Sarah was I freaked out.

Sarah, Sarah…even my mom had mentioned this Sarah.

And Tara got back in my face then. “Jesus Christ Mom it’s not about you! I know it sucks, I know you hate this but JUST BECAUSE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO CONTROL WHO THEY ARE!!!”

And Shane agreed with her…hell so did mom…it was like puling teeth for her to tell me but…

And that’s when I went into therapy.

I had to get past this somehow for my kids…to tolerate her…Sarah.

We still never talked after that…

I touched based in therapy with a lot of my feelings.

Ranted, cried, went on anti-depressants for awhile.

Jogged…since I was “Back on the market.”

Actually jogging got Tara and me tighter…she’s on the track team so I started going out with her on training runs.

Dated…still not divorced…I can’t file those. I couldn’t.

Couldn’t if She wanted out then She would have to file dammit.

But yeah, dating…I hated it. I’m not meant to date…It just felt off and wrong and none of those guys were Shaun.

I slept with two of them, I hated it as soon as we were done.

I cried both times.

I even tried…tried being a lesbian.

I went out with a lesbian friend at a club.

That was okay, it sort of wasn’t as bad as guys hitting on me…women sort of did that differently.

It took seven of those nights before I went home with Monique.

And I broke down on her halfway through bawling because it was good…but it was good because so much of the way she touched me, so much of the way she did things…was so much like Shawn.

That’s the night the Sarah truck ran me over all over again.

That’s when I realized it.

It’d always been Sarah…right?

And that was another three months of therapy.

And some gender study stuff.

And a shit ton of guilt.

Then Donald passed away, Sarah’s dad and she I guess had to go and deal with stuff so we brought the kids down. Mom’s helping out and I’m…I’m here.

After the funeral, with my In-laws.

And they’re being extra assholes…the estate stuff and the fact they have a hate out for Sarah. It’s just al kind of redneck asshole anti-trans…eeew it’s queer and we don’t get it stuff.

I take another drink or tea and barely get it down and I head into the kitchen looking for something else, coffee maybe.

That’s when I see her.

She’s got shoulder length light brown hair now, her bits of grey gone for some red-blonde highlights, glasses…well new cute ones and she’s in a nice blouse and a skirt and she’s dabbing at her blouse with a stain on it.

“I have a new one you can use in my bag.”

She looks up at me and there’s this look there.

Lonely but something else too…and that’s herself.

Her eyes, the eyes shadow, the mascara…the glasses can’t hide those eyes and the fact that Sarah has Shaun’s eyes minus a lot of the stress and pain they had carried for so long.

“You wouldn’t mind?”

I shake my head and bite my lower lip. “No…wives are supposed to share stuff sometimes right?”

And that’s where she’s really staring at me. “Mare?”

I shrug… “I…I don’t know…okay, Sarah honestly I don’t know…” I walk over and touch her face and she actually flinched a little.

She gave me this heartbreaking look of hope? She does the hard swallow and nods.

“But I…I think I want to find out…I think I want to try…can we?”

She’s quiet crying now leaving little mascara trails down her face and it’s her pouring out that beer at the sink all over again.

She nods.

I try a shy smile. “Can…Can you stay just a little bit longer?”

Sarah nods again and another swallow.

I lean in and I kiss her…I’m scared as hell and it is on the lips…and she smells like perfume and make-up and like a woman’s skin.

But everything about the kiss is the same…She’s…yeah…dammit she’s that girl I never knew but fell in love with back in my first year of college.

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Comments

I'm not very good at leaving

I'm not very good at leaving comments, but, I must say this, Very Nice :-)

Thank you John142.

All compliments are awesome.
*Hugs*

Bailey Summers

This Might Be . . .

. . . the best story on this site.

Every word told of love and how hard it is to understand. I was looking last night at my spouse of forty years, and wondered, "What is it about this person that makes my be so in love?" It's everything . . . just everything.

The "nothing" things we find so important just don't stack up.

Thank you.

JillMI

Angela Rasch (Jill M I)

*Blushing* Thank You Angela

It was really good flow when I wrote this and trying to slip into the wife's POV because I wanted to do a spouse involved story. I'd hope there are some on here maybe that read our stories.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Quite Good!

littlerocksilver's picture

To say the least. I think you really hit it out of the park with this one, Bailey.

Portia

TY Portia:)

I'm really glad that so many people here seemed to like this one.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

tough one

but full of hope too.
thanks

beautiful, as always

I remain in awe of your skill in writing hon.

Maybe someday, I'll be just as good.

DogSig.png

Dorothy some of your stuff is amazing!

And some of my things don't generate a whole lot of interest we all have our story moments.
But thank you for the wonderful comment!
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Amazing

Jemima Tychonaut's picture

*snifle* I loved the way that you told it from the spouses perspective. Probably one of the best short stories on the site Bailey. :-)



"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Thanks Jemima :)

I wanted the spouses POV, we might have some reading here from time to time. But It just sort of felt right at the time I was writing it.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Never judge by the cover

BarbieLee's picture

Sadly, most humans judge instantly by the cover. The Ford with a Chevy engine is it a Ford or a Chevy? Well, it has a Ford body so we call it a Ford.

People are like that. The girl inside the boy body or vice versa, what happened? We can accept the tomboy. I mean the girl is damn cute dressing and acting like a boy. We can't accept the boy-girl. She, he, it is a fag, a maggot, a queer, a..., Okay enough we get the picture. Boy to girl is NOT acceptable. And so they die from self mutilation, drugs, suicide, and murdered. Because they were shunned and tormented until their life became intolerable.

They are quietly buried as that abomination. Few of the family may be there, doubtful if any of their old friends are. They abandon "it" long before. Maybe a few of her transsexual friends will be there if possible. Some because they understood. Others because they want the rest of the world to know she had friends and they don't care who knows.

It's a long hard road for those who don't know the way. Some are lucky and find support groups and help from family. Others...? We bury them.

Those caught up in the boy-girl gender blender didn't want that life. I have never met one who wished there were more like them. They are some of the most intelligent people one will ever meet. Both sides of their brain is running full steam. Most measure in the MENSA when they aren't failing on purpose to fit in.

They are like everyone else. Tall ones, short ones, beautiful ones, handsome ones. They have mood swings, good days, bad days. Some can be pure bitch and others pure sweetheart. Look past the cover.

There is no common story for how they adapt but Miss Summers could have wrote the biography for a few of them. That story came straight from the heart. Excellent.

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

I've said this only a few times before but this tale deserves it

Not a word wasted.

The right word in exactly the right place.

Shorter and smaller is sometimes better.

All the intensity of condensed soup but with homemade flavor.

HUH?

In any case you deserve a well done.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

I make excellent soup John:)

But what an amazing compliment. I'm glad that you've enjoyed this so much.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

I was going to avoid this because of the Lesbian tag

Yeah, I know, me and my weird sense of tastes. But I have this habit of clicking into stories, even ones I don't read, and checking out the comments on them.

After checking out the comments, I read the story too.

I agree with Jill: this has to be one of the best stories on the site.

Melanie E.

Room for all

After all I avoid authors who only write heterosexual trans stories. Tanya Allan is one of those. Good stories but in some ways have gotten very repetitive in her themes.

Trans-het stories are fine too IMO.

I try to write some of everything but I still enjoy authors like Tanya Allan and others who have defined their voice....All depends on your cup of tea. I'm not a fan of anything Forced Fiction, forced Fem, Identity Death regardless of why those genres exist.

I'm also a un-fan of fan fics for a different reason.

*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

TY Melanie E. :)

I think of tags as just sort of guidelines like they contain elements of. In this case the Lesbian thing was kind of just on the edge of or Squires has several but other cast members too. I'm still blushing over the praise though especially with so many awesome authors here on the site.

*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

You know it's a good story when...

You know it's a good story when you're left with some drops of water in your eyes at the end, and this did it for me. Writing it from the wife's point of view worked really well; Mary and Sarah both felt like real people. Excellent work!

kandijayne

TY Kandijane!

Even when I'm doing a short story I try for characters with a real feel. Though for me it is harder on a short story to get the character development that I want so often.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Not bad Bailey

You have a nice range in your story telling ability.

T

Thank you Tarzana:)

I do try to stretch my range now and then it's good for my other stories it seems.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Well? You did warn me...

Andrea Lena's picture

She gave me this heartbreaking look of hope?

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

very powerful story, well

very powerful story, well written, like I've said before your stories are Therapy For The Soul.

I'm still hoping this will be a good trans-spouse read.

We have those here sometimes I think and we should give some time to thinking about that and other things. We need more diversity still I think in the characters, in the side characters not in what happened to them.

*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Spot on.

"JUST BECAUSE YOU MARRIED SOMEONE DOESN’T MEAN YOU GET TO CONTROL WHO THEY ARE!!!” Fantastic line saying it all in 14 words. How much pain and suffering could be ,or can be ,avoided by heading these 14 words.?

This story as short as it is lacks nothing in any important facet. One POV covered all of the character development and carried the story. You use language fluently but are never wordy as Dickens, who was payed by the word, you never waste words either. Bailey you are always spot on , nothing more or less, in your stories long or short.

This one being brief really adds to its punch and effect on myself as a reader. in just a smig over 2000 words you did it all. As always very impressed with and enjoyed much this offering you blessed us with.

Huggles

Your misbehaving Faerie

With those with open eyes the world reads like a book

celtgirl_0.gif

I keep thinking a lot about that line.

It's very true but there are broad social issues there as well. Marriage and transition can be messy and so much like this.
*Great Big Angel Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Can't top the previous comments

So I simply give you a bow and a heartfelt "well done."

(grin) and maybe a...

"What? Of course, it's awesome. It's a Bailey Summers story."

HAPPY TEARS! And a big hug!

Cicero2K
'Otium cum dignitate'

Totally appreciated Cicero2K :)

I'm so happy that you found it moving. I was going for that as well as that gritty real deal.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Bailey, When I read the tissue alert at the begining...

I braced myself for a tragic, tear jerking ending, but was pleasantly surprised to find a happy ending instead. Its rare that we see a story that's from the perspective of someone other than the person who's trans and that was really refreshing for a chance. in addition to being tissue worth, it was also nice and heart warming to read the story of Mare's own journey of self discovery and to acceptance. When it all comes down to it, it really is what's on the inside a person's heart that matters. The story was very well written, short and to the point. I agree with the other commenters, you hit this one right out of the park.

Hugs,
Tamara Jeanne

Thank You Tamara Jeanne.

As much as it was pretty real I still wanted the happy ending or the chance of one. I thought the POV was pretty important though.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Well Bailey dear....

There was only one tag I looked at and that was your name sweetie at the top! Pretty much says it all! This was written in a lovely POV, maybe do this over again from Sarah's POV now and then maybe the kids? Just a thought hon. Loving Hugs Talia

A one-shot from Bailey Summers?!

Page of Wands's picture

(Sorry, sorry, but that was honestly my first reaction to seeing this in the list.)

To the story itself - wonderful! As others have said, short and sweet. Much love to Tara for pulling her mother's head out of her ass, and to Mary for actually being willing and able to change. Ain't easy...

*sniffle*

A poignant reminder that there's another side to the story sometimes.

Thanks for another great story, Hon.

*Hugs n Kisses*
Jenna

Thanks Jen/Lynx :)

I wanted to get that different POV and try something at another angle. I'm glad that this went over so well.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

A story of transcendant hope.

Maren Sorensen's picture

The dream I've conjured all my life, that someone I loved would try, just try, to understand and love me; all of me. So sweet! I don't have words to express how this affected me.

Maren

That's the thing...just try, try to understand us.

I wanted to have that hope with everything else that was included in this short story.
I'm glad this it all the right notes.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Wow - Fantastic story

KristineRead's picture

Bailey, this is fantastic. I agree with Jill, one of the best on the site. Packed with emotion, raw.

Don't get to read much these days, but very happy I read this one.

Hugs,

Kristy

Bailey....one of the very best stories on this outstanding site.

It touches all the bases - from outright rejection with lots of hurt from wifey to hubby to reconciliation of the couple. " I was suddenly a lesbian if that’s the way that you think about these things..." sounds like my ex when I decided to transition - even though it was 6 years since our divorce she said-"I am not a lesbian" - and I never accused her of being one. Did you have my phone tapped the night she said that to me? And now 9 years later she refuses to be in the same building as me - even for the funeral of one our old acquaintances. She also said in reply, to a suggestion I made that maybe she could read about the condition of being TG/TS, why should I.

I do answer the phone when she calls, as we share deep concerns about our eldest son's life style at the moment. But otherwise we have no contact other than an annual talk about who will host Christmas brunch & dinner - and we haven't changed who does what in 20 years.

Thank you for a remarkably well written tale of an all too frequent reaction to a spouse's life style change.

Ruth

May the sun always shine on your parade

The "tear point."

I've read this a number of times. And this is always the point when I tear up.

That’s when I realized it.

It’d always been Sarah…right?

You know....

... how much I love stories with happy - or if not happy, hopeful endings... and you've done it again. You really do write the kind of emotive stuff that I can relate to - so, thanks you again, for another weepie-goes-bright-at-the-end. I so love your work!
Love Ginger xx

Thanks Bailey!

How could I miss this story? Thanks to random solo I've found it.

I like a lot your emotional style. It makes me not read your stories but listen to them.

Thank you Bailey

I cannot recall having read this one before. It is beautiful. It got all the feels, the pain, the hope, the being yourself.

Thank you.
Anne

Anne Margarete

Dang Girl!

BarbieLee's picture

There is only one author who could tell this story coming at it from the other side and put so much emotion into it. Miss Summers nailed it down iron clad and welded her signature style to it. If your heart didn't start beating faster and faster as you read further and further into the story..., check your pulse, you don't have one.
Hugs Miss Summers. I wish you happiness and pray you have found health and peace in your long absence.
Barb
Life is meant to be lived, not worn until it's worn out.

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl