Land of My Heart - Chapter 10

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Land of My Heart

A novel by Bronwen Welsh

The sequel to 'A Foreign Country'


Chapter Ten    An Unexpected Development

It has been raining almost non-stop for two weeks. We mustn't complain of course; after so many months of drought everyone has been praying for rain, even agnostics like myself. When I say 'agnostic', I wonder if that is quite true. While I find it hard to believe in the old man with the white beard sitting on a cloud, nevertheless I can't totally exclude the feeling that there is 'a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will' to once again quote Shakespeare.

Well that divinity has answered our prayers; the dams are full to overflowing and the waters have in places spread out over the parched lands and soaked them. Once the sun comes out again, it won't be long before the green shoots appear and we will no longer have to hand-feed the cattle. Thank goodness I did not make the decision to sell down the stock, although it had been a close thing.

In the meantime, some of the local roads are flooded, and even my 'all weather' airstrip has been too wet to risk use in my opinion, but then I have always erred on the side of caution. I want to go to Brisbane as soon as possible as I have to attend to some business, and I would like to catch up with Melissa and John once again and see how Melissa is progressing with her treatment. I know that Jack's wife Mary would like to go to Brisbane to see Jack junior too. I have made a conscious decision not to introduce Mary to Melissa and John as I feel it might make things complicated. Mary knows I have other friends in Brisbane, but then, so does she, so while we spend some time together while we are down there, we also have our own time.

-o-O-o-

The telephone rang this evening and when I answered, it was Melissa.

“Hi Melissa, how are things going?” I said.

“Oh fine,” she replied in a way which seemed to suggest that this was not really the case. “Will you be coming down to Brisbane soon?”

“Yes I will. You've probably heard about all our rain, which was a blessing of course, but it flooded my landing strip and it's only now drying out sufficiently for me to use it again, so I hope to be down there next week.”

“I'm so glad,” she replied, and then hesitated “I'm thinking that I may not continue with my treatment and I'd really like to discuss it with you.”

“Oh,” I said, and immediately realised that was a rather inadequate response.

“I know this may come as a shock to you,” she went on, “and I'd really like to talk to you face to face, rather than on the telephone.”

“Sure. Have you talked to John and your psychologist yet?”

“No I haven't,” she replied, “You have been so understanding and helpful that I wanted to talk to you first.”

“Very well,” I said, “I should be down there next week. I'll ring and let you know the day I will be arriving.”

We concluded the conversation and rang off. I sat for a long time staring at the phone. Of course I've heard of transgender people who have changed their minds, in very rare cases even after they've had surgery. I recall Dr Brentwell saying how much they try to avoid having that happen. The only transgender people I know have never had any doubts or second thoughts, so this was new to me. Another thing is that from the first moment I met Melissa, in fact even when I met Mark, I never had any doubt that this was a person who was destined to live her life as a women. The fact that she wants to talk to me about it first before even talking to her partner or health professional means I must be ultra careful in what I say to her. I wonder if I really should be taking on this responsibility.

-o-O-o-

Wednesday

Back in Brisbane again after an uneventful flight. Mary is staying with Jack's cousin Ron as usual. I explained that I would be very busy for the three days we are here, but accepted an invitation to dinner on the third day. I phoned Melissa at work and asked when she would like to meet. I don't like the idea of going behind John's back but it seems she wants to talk to me before she discusses her future with him. We arranged to meet for lunch in a cafe on the banks of the Brisbane River. The weather is warm and sunny so we could eat on the terrace which made it easier to talk without being overheard. After we ordered our meals and two glasses of plain mineral water, I sat back and waited for Melissa to begin. Looking at her I couldn't help thinking that she looked more feminine than ever; obviously the hormones are starting to have an effect.

“Thank you for meeting with me, Lesley,” she began. “You might wonder what's going on and why I'm having second thoughts.”

“Well it has crossed my mind,” I replied.

“In a word, it's John,” she said. “I don't think he's really coping with the idea of me becoming a woman full-time. You know I was dressing up before you first met us, but that was different. I was a gay guy dressing up for fun, but I was always a male. Now I'm on the road to becoming a woman and I don't think John knows how to cope with it.”

“Have you discussed it with him?” I asked.

“Oh yes, and he says he's fine with it, but I don't really think he is.” She hesitated before continuing. “The fact is that I love him too much to do anything to hurt him and I think this is hurting him, so I have two choices – continue as I am and lose John, or go back to how I was. You have been here for me from the time I started my treatment, so I thought you might be able to give me advice on what I should do.”

“Oh Melissa, what can I say? It's not a situation I've ever had to deal with before and I'm not sure that I'm qualified to give advice. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but if I say something and it's the wrong advice I would never forgive myself.”

“I'm not asking you to tell me what to do,” she said, “I know that the ultimate decision is mine, but there's no-one else I can talk to about it.”

“Well, what I can say is that I really think you should discuss your thoughts with John, and also your specialist. If you are going to stop your transitioning then I guess the sooner you do it, the sooner you can go back to your old life.”

I saw a shadow pass over her face, and I reached out and took her hand which was lying on the table. Anyone watching us might think we were lovers but I really couldn't care less.

“You really don't want to go back to being Mark do you?” I said softly, and Melissa shook her head. Her eyes were glistening with unshed tears.

“I think I've said this to you before, but Shakespeare's words 'to thine own self be true' really seem to apply in this case. While you feel you have to stop because of your love for John, he probably will say that he loves you too much to want you to make such a sacrifice.”

“That makes a stalemate doesn't it?” said Melissa and she managed a weak smile.

“It does, and I'm sorry that I can't come up with a solution to the problem,” I said “I feel that I'm failing you.”

“No, its fine,” she said “Even just talking about it is a help.”

I couldn't help thinking to myself that if my past was different would I advise her differently? How fortunate I was that I was never put in a similar situation. To be honest, I think Melissa should continue to transition because it's so obvious that she should be a woman. However, since I've been put in this position I feel I must try to offer totally impartial advice, even though I feel less and less qualified to give it.

It was time for Melissa to go back to work.

“I don't want to risk getting the sack,” she said, “and I might as well enjoy the time I still have as a woman if it's coming to an end.”

To further complicate the situation, because I have enjoyed Melissa and John's hospitality on previous visits to Brisbane, we had arranged that the next time I came down, they would come to dinner as my guests at the hotel restaurant. This will happen tomorrow evening. Perhaps that's not such a bad thing though, as we won't be able to discuss Melissa's future in such a public place, that is if she's spoken to John before I see them next.

We said our farewells and Melissa promised to get in touch as soon as she has made up her mind. She really wants to become a woman, I have no doubt of it. I can't help feeling that if she gives it up because of John, then eventually her love for him might turn to resentment because she gave up what she most desired, and that might cause them to split up anyway – a 'lose-lose' situation if ever there was one.

-o-O-o-

Thursday

This evening Melissa and John came to the hotel and had dinner with me. Ordinarily I would have looked forward to seeing them both, but after Melissa's lunchtime meeting with me yesterday, I felt uncomfortable, especially as I doubted if she had discussed her future with John yet.

I was already seated when they arrived. Melissa took my breath away as she entered the room. True beauty can do that to a person. She was wearing a cerise floor-length evening gown and I'm sure the eyes of every man in the room were on her as she and John, resplendent in a dinner suit, advanced towards my table. I greeted them warmly – they made a splendid couple and apart from Melissa, I was the only person in the restaurant who knew that their relationship might soon be in jeopardy.

The evening passed well enough, although at one point John looked at me and asked if I was alright. I passed it off as a slight business problem which was weighing on my mind and he seemed to accept the explanation. I do feel bad about my lunch and discussion with Melissa, but what's done is done and I can't do anything about it. Fortunately, Melissa complained of a headache and they left for home about ten o'clock.

Writing up my journal now, I wonder how long it will be before I hear from her and what her final decision will be.

-o-O-o-

Friday

As arranged, I had tea this evening with Jack's cousin Ron, his wife Marj and their children, and Mary and Jack junior. Marj is a great cook, and in my opinion, it doesn't matter how fancy a restaurant meal is, nothing beats good home cooking. Marj did a lamb roast, probably because she thinks I get sick of beef. After the meal was finished, the children went off to another room, leaving the grown-ups to drink their coffee and chat.

Marj said “I hope you don't mind me saying this Lesley, but you looked a bit distracted at dinner. I hope there wasn't anything wrong with the meal?”

There it was again – the second day in succession that someone had noticed I wasn't my usual self.

“Not at all, it was a lovely meal and I really enjoyed it,” I replied. I did hesitate before continuing, but decided to tell them half the story. “The fact is that I have a couple of other friends here in Brisbane who have asked my advice on a personal matter. While I don't feel qualified to give that advice, I also feel it is difficult to say nothing. What would any of you do in such a situation?”

“Perhaps they should seek professional help if it's that sort of problem,” said Mary.

“My suggestion is that you can only consider what you would do in the same circumstances and say that, but emphasize it's only your opinion,” said Marj.

Ron said nothing, but that tends to be the case with men – they prefer to stay out of personal matters.

To be continued.

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Image credit: Australian cattle station by Harris Walker reproduced under Creative Commons licence with attribution.

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Andrea Lena's picture

“Oh yes, and he says he's fine with it, but I don't really think he is.” She hesitated before continuing. “The fact is that I love him too much to do anything to hurt him and I think this is hurting him, so I have two choices – continue as I am and lose John, or go back to how I was. You have been here for me from the time I started my treatment, so I thought you might be able to give me advice on what I should do.”

Continuing transition may be in the future; I believe likely so. But by continuing, I mean that she should continue to communicate with John; the advice is clear to make sure she knows exactly what John thinks and feels rather than assume anything. Thanks for this story!

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena