Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

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Decisions,Decisions,Decisions
By
JulieDCole
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Like everybody I know at various stages of my life I came to a point where I needed to make a decision and some are big, some are small and some may seem of no consequence but in truth thay can influence the rest of your life and the people around you.

Decisions often come in spurts from my experience and one decision can immediately influence another but really my purpose here is to share experience about a few decisions I made that I’ve never regretted but which could have resulted in a completely different situation. Maybe it was luck sometimes rather than good management and maybe I was too cautious on other occasions but it would be interesting to explore what might have happened. I guess we can only speculate because we never know.
I often felt through my life to date that we come to a junction or turning on the road we are following and there is no signpost. Someone might offer advice or influence what we decide or we may just close our eyes and hope for the best. We might hope that someone is smiling down on us or we may just flip a coin to choose.

Nobody can really makes decisions for us and the roads we choose shape our destiny. So from my experience our lives are basically shaped by the decisions we make, then adjusted by more decisions and that means even more decisions.
Even though I’ve avoided hardships to date it’s not all downhill and some of us get a tougher ride than others and have some awful things to deal with that make decisions irrelevant.
I consider myself lucky and I came from nothing and have done ok thank you very much. Well not so bad for a small town boy who travelled a lot and had the advantage of two personalities. I’ve never regretted having a softer female side and it has been a big advantage to be able to have a womans view on things as well as a mans and to deal with people in a way that I see most women deal with them. It’s not always been possible to spend time as Julie but she keeps me on track and influences a lot of my decisions.

When I was young felt I was at a disadvantage when I saw some of the wonderful homes on my way to school and saw the nice cars and people going off on vacation. Recently since I was in my home town I took a trip back to the streets where I was born and where I had to make my earliest decisions that obviously mapped out my future. How different the area now looks through an adults eyes and through Julies eyes rather than Julian’s. Even though the streets and houses have hardly changed I was surprised how small everything seems now. How lucky I am that I could look back as Julie and smile and reflect on what might have happened if I’d taken the other options. I might never have developed this side of me that I now love so much.
Would I change anything looking back and what if I’d been unlucky to be born a girl without Julian's strength inside me? Maybe things wouldn’t have worked out very well and I’d still be living there with several children and a bully of a husband. Then again for Julian if the opportunities to switch gender that are available now had been available then I’d have considered an adjustment ………… Who knows?

Because I went back I decided to reflect on a few of the experiences and decisions I made. No nasty bits or regrets or awful accidents or cruelty but then maybe I quickly learned how to land on my own two feet if I took a tumble or maybe somebody caught me. It’s so nice to get the chance to reflect like I did and to return ‘home’ to my roots. To an adventure playground where the sun always shone and we could play outside till it got dark and even afterwards under street lights without any fear of being abducted or molested. We played wonderful street games like ‘kick the can, finger thumb or dumb, holler and rice something or other with a tennis ball. We could travel to wooded areas and local parks to climb trees or to a small lake where we’d build rafts and light small fires and we could pretend to be whoever we wanted to be. Julie often wanted to play but it wasn’t so easy for her.

So I’ve grown up as Julian ne-Julie as a quiet and sometimes private person and I’ve had some wonderful times and seen some great places all around the world. Not bad but then there are two of us inside this body and when we compare with others around us we consider ourselves to have been extremely lucky. Somebody must love me up there must have asked us to share or maybe I was unlucky in an earlier life and this time I had the good luck to be two people not just one that has given me the enormous advantage of not being alone when making important decisions. Julie is so sensible and Julian follows her guidance.


Chapter 1

So born a boy and reputed to have been quite pretty Julian was often mistaken for a girl in his early years. Friends and family tried to be discreet and avoided the subject so not to cause offence and Julians father was a little disappointed but tried his best to toughen him. Whilst in his push chair, or buggy now, strangers might say ‘Oh isn’t she pretty.’ Julian’s mum wasn’t too worried because she’d really wanted a baby girl and in fact she made matters worse by deliberately dressing him in gender neutral clothes and even in pink. Her excuse for the pink was because she’d say they were nice gifts that she couldn’t send back without causing offence.

In truth, whilst alone with Julian she often referred him as her little princess and she never hid the fact that she’d wanted a little girl and was disappointed to have been blessed with a boy. This was because most of her friends had baby girls and they would smother them with affection and buy pretty dresses for them and do nice things like tying ribbons in their hair. Whilst Julian’s mum got lots of pleasure from this Julian’s father would get angry since Julian had no chance to be the boy he wanted. Everybody doted on him as soon as they saw his cute little smile, especially his Aunt Joan who had no child of her own and lived with Julian’s parents until she married a few years after Julian was born. Julian’s grandmother had passed at an early age so the two sisters were very close.

In these early days Julian would often be called Julie and especially when dad was away on business he was allowed to play primarily with the daughters of mum’s friends. A few boys lived in the area who became Julian’s friends later but his bond with the girls stayed for several years, well into their teens. Julian had no brothers or male cousins to play with either. He just had an elder sister Katy who also doted on him and sometimes he’d play with her and her friends who upon reflection treated him more as a little girl rather than a little boy. He got to like all the special attention and learned to keep clean and stay out of trouble.

Much of this girly attention went over Julian’s head until he had a rather nice experience one hot summer day when Julian’s mum, Maggie, Joan and young Katy went on an organized picnic with the clutch of friends from church, who lived close by. It was very warm so the children wanted to go in the children’s pool to cool off but Maggie hadn’t anticipated this like other mums. Luckily Katy had packed her swimsuit into her bag since her friends had told her. Julian was left out until Maggie found a solution by consulting her friend who had packed some spare knickers for her daughter. They were dark green to match the school uniform but they could resemble a bathing suit in the water and at least it was something for Julian to wear. Faced with the choice of returning home Maggie coaxed Julian to change into them behind a small bush and since it was not practical to return home for bathing trunks it gave Julian chance splash around and jump and squeal with the others.

It was a decision that was to influence the rest of Julian’s life. The knickers fitted like a glove and he looked so cute and with his hair now almost to his shoulders he was just one of the girls to the casual observer. A few mums made complementary comments and Maggie was quite proud and for that afternoon it was Julie who was playing in the pool and he/she squealed like the rest.

What influenced Julian was the feeling he had knowing he was wearing knickers when he sat back to rest in the shallow water. He had his first experience of a surge to his groin and he daren’t stand up for ages. He was amazed that the more he pretended to be Julie rather than Julian the bigger the bulge at the front of his swimming costume. He liked the feeling so much that afternoon that he made the excuse to take a rest several times and his excitement was even greater when some of the girls started to call to him using Julie as his name to tease him for wearing school knickers. He loved it. He decided he must get a pair of his own and would look in his sisters drawer when he got home. Luckily he got a pair of white ones and a pair of blue ones that he’d wear whenever he could and he’d sneak them into the wash basket when they needed laundering and take them back again later. However his mum never realized he didn’t know. But maybe she did.

After the swimming pool experience when he was bathing in front of his mum she noticed his excitement and was quite surprised in view of his young age. Julian tried to hide it but Maggie pulled his hands away and soon solved the problem with a quick flick of her fingers and after a few tears the problem disappeared. Nothing more was said but Julian felt guilty so he decided not to ever wear girls knickers ever again and the decision lasted for two hours until he opened Katy's knicker drawer. He just had to experience the feeling again and of course it worked every time. He would wear them outside when he could but he decided not to risk being caught by wearing them at school or too often because it might make his parents angry and boys laugh at him. Especially it might mean he’d have to have a haircut in the short back and sides style that he hated. He’d imagined he’d been one of the girls that day and that sexual feeling was something special that he never forgot.

So what if Julian had decided not to take the knickers from Katy's drawer. Would Julie have been locked away? Would he have never experienced the thrill of wearing them in secret or being able to imagine he was one of the girls when they played? He might have been all alone for the rest of his life making decisions alone without Julies take.

A few years later brought new neighbours and more boys to the area who became close friends as well as school friends. Julie was hidden away for long periods and hardly had chance to join her friends. Julian played a lot more boy games and his father was pleased because Julian was small and slim and needed to learn to look after himself. He kept his long hair which he tied back when he played with the boys. Later when more girls came on the scene he soon preferred the games that were not so boisterous and involved more skill and he’d let his hair fall loose like they did. When no boys were in earshot most of the girls called Julian by his feminine name and he didn’t object. He liked it so with Julies influence he made the decision to let her play too and it was difficult then to be the boy that his father wanted him to be. At times it was very difficult but he liked skipping because his hair would blow in the wind like the girls did and since no boys liked to play skipping games it was Julie now enjoying free time. His excuse was this kept him very fit but he always kept an eye out for the boys in case they saw him joining in the verses that the girls like to recite.

What if Julian had decided that Julie couldn’t play and only played boys games? The girls would never have been so open and friendly and Julie may never have had chance to develop and see life like he did. Maybe she’d have sulked and disappeared.

The boys would always play new games as they developed their strength as they moved through puberty and some of the girls were developing even faster. Some started to develop small breasts and some were even luckier. Most of the girls were taller than the boys because of their longer legs and Julian felt a bit inferior during this time and was teased. Often he would be caught staring at the girls new breasts and fortunately his friends thought he was fancying the girls. He’d seen his sister develop and even seen her walking around just in bra and panties as mum checked her size and fit. So in fact he was wondering how nice it would be to try some breasts out for himself if it was possible because his sister was obviously delighted with the pair she had inherited from her mum. Julian had felt his own chest that was in fact a little on the flabby side and one side of him wanted them to grow whilst the other side of him was worried in case he was teased. He couldn’t help wondering what Julie would look like if she had some the same size as Katy’s or even those that the Palmer twins had from the houses in the next street. He wanted to try on a bra and he got his chance one day when Katy went out for the afternoon with her mum. She’d left a bridesmaid dress hanging on the door of her wardrobe along with the accessories and not only did Julian try the bra that he stuffed with socks but he put on the dress and the shoes that had small heels. He brushed his hair with a centre parting and saw Julie looking back at him. She wanted to run around the house and especially up and down the stairs to experience the feeling and he couldn’t stop her as much as he tried. It took at least 2 hours for her to undress and let him put things back. She had looked wonderful. He decided he had to try out some more options as soon as he got the chance and his sister had a whole wardrobe to choose from.

What if Julian hadn’t seen the bridesmaid dress and tried it on. What if Julie never had chance to show him how beautiful she was. What if she’d had chance to be a bridesmaid with his sister instead of having to wear a stupid page boy outfit? He’d have kept the dress on all day and let Julie dance and parade up and down. He might never have thought to explore Katys wardrobe and see how feminine he looked without any assistance. He’d wished his hair was even longer. Julie may never have come out until it was too late and maybe even he’d have developed strong muscles instead of holding back and doing more gentle exercises. It would have been so sad to just be Julian.

At this age Julian lagged behind his friends in development it didn’t stop him from attending the secret meetings to compare sizes as pubic hairs appeared and of course he was at the end of the queue as far as he could see. They would still encourage him to masturbate with them . Julian had to cheat a little that wasn’t difficult since others were too interested in what they were doing themselves than to check his progress. But he still felt inferior and disappointed so he avoided these games whenever he could. He found it much more stimulating to wear knickers or some of his sisters clothes and then Julie would appear in the mirror that embarrassed him. So he’d stop if he felt an urge so that he could stay longer as Julie without her feeling ashamed and disappearing.

However the boy-boy sessions continued because he would stay at a friend’s house on Friday and Saturday evenings whilst the parents went out or had dinner parties. His friend Gary wanted to experiment and would show Julian books that his father hid away of naked women. They had enormous breasts and whilst Gary would quickly get excited Julian would compare the sizes and the underwear on display. He would have loved to see Julie in a basque with suspenders and stockings. Not much chance of that whilst in teenage years though.

Gary was obviously developing as a faster pace than Julian and he was a lot bigger even when relaxed. He had a lot more pubic hair and was sprouting hair all over the place unlike Julian who hardly had any. His skin was still soft and white with very little muscle tone but Julie liked him that way and he therefore took care. Gary was by now quite a bit bigger and a lot stronger than Julian and he had read stories in the books his father bought so he knew that there was something more interesting to do than masturbate. His parents weren’t about to let gary invite any girls around to join the pair of them so Gary suggested they try without.

Gary said he needed to practice so he could get a girlfriend and he went on about it for ages to Julian who tried his best to distract him to talk about other things. In the end Julian agreed they’d pretend to have sex to see what it was like but Gary needed it to be more real so he begged Julian to be the girl and to make it more realistic he persuaded Julian to wear one of his mother’s nightdresses and he’d give him half his pocket money. So Julian had another decision to make that influenced the rest of his life. He let Gary see him in a nightdress and as they slipped under the sheets Julie seemed to appear from nowhere. The feeling was wonderful and soon Gary was on top of Julie kissing her. He kissed her full on the lips and fondled her breasts that seemed to respond. He bit her neck and nibbled her ears. Julie could feel how big Gary had grown and he was pushing hard for an entry point but there wasn’t one. So Gary took her hand and asked her to hold him and massage him. It started as a gentle massage at first but he was huge by now and it was at least 3 times the size of Julian’s even though they were similar in age. Julie felt it miht be better if Julian step aside if he was going to remain small and feminine that made her grow too but it was nothing like the size of Gary.

Gary was like an animal by now and he bit her neck again and sucked on it until she stopped him because it hurt. He almost bit off her right ear and he’d squeezed her nipples so hard they were sticking out like chapel hat pegs. Julian did in fact go to Chapel rather than church so he smiled at the phrase even though Julie was under siege. Julie didn’t mind because she liked the feeling in her tummy. Gary pushed himself hard against her again and she opened her legs again to welcome him but again there was nowhere to go. She wished she could have an operation and thought she might investigate but decided it was too dangerous. Anyway by now it didn’t matter as far as Gary was concerned because he just exploded and it was like a volcano erupting all over her. Julie wished she could have joined in but even if she could she doubted if Gary could have waited. She felt that Julian had got a little exited as she had when she shivered and squealed when Gary exploded. After 2 or 3 minutes lying on his back Gary was back again nudging her. Julie was worried. She was Julian and they were only 14 years of age and even if he looked like a girl he resented being treated like this. He was sure that if he was a girl he’d never have let Gary do this. Julian wouldn’t treat a girl so roughly even if he had the ability to grow and stiffen someday. He ran to the bathroom leaving Gary to play with himself. The nightdress was heavily soiled and Julies hair was disheveled and there was a red mark on her neck and she would have to cover it with a sticking plaster . She cried a little. Gary had asked Julian what was wrong so he showed him the mess on the nightdress and said he had been too rough. He apologized and said he’d be more gentle next time. His nipples were also swollen and quite sore but not just because of Gary’s biting.

Julian wondered if he’d made the right decision to let Gary meet Julie and felt Gary might tell all their friends. He’d never let anybody see him dressed as a girl before and he was sure that Gary had seen his knickers before he hid them under the bed. What if Julie hadn’t had chance to be in bed with a stud like Gary. She might never have had chance to feel like a woman. Had she made the right decision at such a young age. But she was still a virgin whatever. Still she felt different and whatever Julian said she was intending to do the same again but calm Gary down so he lasted longer next time.

Julian removed the nightdress and soaked it in hot water in the sink. He was naked when Gary entered the bathroom and for some reason his hands went to cover his breasts.. Gary laughed and said Julian looked like his sister Katy and he’d often wanted to see her naked to see her boobs. He said that Julian was a bit flat chested but still quite hot in bed and asked if he’d enjoyed it. Julian nodded but that was really Julie taking control of the situation. Julian insisted the two of them tidy up the bed. Gary said he’d have to put the nightdress in the drier but Julian new that wasn’t possible after a hand wash. They decided option 2 was to throw it in the dustbin. Gary put it in next doors as a precaution. He hoped his mum would think she left it somewhere and discussed about getting one for Julian next week. Eventually Julian agreed he’d deal with it but he didn’t like Gary's idea to steal one from a washing line.

So Julie had really surfaced now after a few years coming out occasionally. She’d had her first experience with a boy and this was to be repeated several more times through the winter months until Julie got scared because she fell to sleep in his arms and they woke up just in time to finish tidying as the front door opened. After these escapades with Gary Julian felt guilty because he knew they were taking risks and Gary was seeing him more as Julie than as Julian. Whilst he really liked being Julie it was now much too dangerous, especially if Gary boasted to friends at school. Luckily Gary and Julian went to different schools but Julian worried a lot. Luckily Gary found a girlfriend and seemed to keep quiet about their experiences. He always smiled and waved to Julian as a boy does with a girlfriend and Julian liked the feeling. To be safe Julian avoid going to Gary’s house at weekends and Gary was allowed to let his girlfriend visit. It was a big decision to step aside because Julian so enjoyed to become Julie and to receive attention. He didn’t want to change and wanted Julie to look nice when she dressed or came out so he tried his best to keep slim and avoid strenuous exercise that might develop muscles. More than ever he preferred the soft features he’d been blessed with and of course so did his mum. He made the decision to keep his weight down and eat foods high in estrogen and read as much as he could about the body changes women experience in their formative years. He felt glad that he didn’t have the period pains like his sister and observed her mood swings. He was experiencing this himself by now and found he was getting irritable at the same time each month. His chest was puffy by now so he took to wearing tight vests at school but let them free at weekends. Mum offered to make an appointment with the doctor to try some hormone treatment to offset the development and he thought about it. This was a joint decision and Julie insisted he decline which he did.

That decision allowed Julie to experiment with bra size and the diet helped to develop a small bust that meant with the aid of tape Julie could have a cleavage like the girls Julian knew. It was a decision that sometimes meant lewd comments or stares but Julian learned to live with them and taped himself sometimes that removed any bust-line. What if he’d agreed to hormones and stopped the estrogen diet. Julie would have been so disappointed and Julian didn’t have the heart to disappoint her.

to be continued....

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Comments

Wow..

Lucy Perkins's picture

Oh my goodness Julie,

"Lately it occurs to me..
what a long strange trip its been."