Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 18

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Hopscotch…A Jump in Life 18

*Before…

And now…now I have what happens after a girl is done crying.

I’m hurt.

I’m hurt and I’m angry.

I get out of the shower and I dry off and glare at myself a few moments in the mirror before going and getting my things, dry underwear and change and dry there…eyes hard…jaw clenched through that.

Then I get my tablet and start playing tunes…Pink…angry stuff girl power kind of stuff and I start looking at myself in the mirror and take out my make-up and with a breath and leaning on the sink gripping it in a sort of eff-you to all of them I start doing my face.

“Fuck you…fuck you all (Angry sniffle.) I’m going to be who I am…and you’ll have to just deal with it.”

I’m going to do this, and keep doing this until I’m good at it, better than good at it.

*And Now…

*So What* By Pink and I’m singing along with her all full of that mirror feels.

Na na na na na na na na na na na na…
Na na na na na na na na na na na na…

I guess I just lost my husband… (Me…I change it to “old self!” )
I don't know where he went,
So I'm gonna drink my money,
I'm not gonna pay his rent (nope),
I got a brand new attitude and
I'm gonna wear it tonight,
I wanna get in trouble…
I wanna start a fight!

Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight!
Na na na na na na na I wanna start a fight!

[Chorus:]

So, so what
I'm still a rock star!
I got my rock moves...
And I don't need you!

And guess what..?
I'm having more fun!
And now that we’re done…
I'm gonna show you tonight!

I'm alright..
I'm just fine…
And you're a tool…

So, so what,
I am a rock star,
I got my rock moves,
And I don't want you tonight!

It‘s a perfect song for the way that I‘m feeling all hurt and angry yet excited angry and kind of calm…fighting calm…but not a fist…no way would I ever give them the satisfriking-faction.

They don’t deserve my anger like that, they’re not getting my best…I’m getting my best.

I listen some more songs wiping off face after face and doing a brand new one and going for something different. But real, I’m not going to look like that.

Sarah…

God…really *Fu#Kin Perfect* By Pink right now is so much my jam right now. It sings to stuff going off in my head and in my heart too. I mean there’s this whole thing about the lyrics in that song that has this…

Me being me no matter what anyone says, what they try to do to shove us…shove me down.

Okay, really I’m not like all agro just hurt and pissed.

And I’m pretty much trying to learn and do and get it right.

I want to kind of shove the silence they’ll have when then can’t say anything about how I look down their throats. Shawna, Jane, Jennifer…I want to see them not even have a clue.

I don’t want to watch anyone.

I don’t stand to pee…like holding and standing and…how the heck do they think I can deal with the sound either?

Hell nope.

I don’t play sports, Shawn from what I seen didn’t play sports and I have no urge to cheer.

You know what I want to play?

Guitar.

I wanna do something with music.

Train my voice, do a little Laura Jane Grace.

Angel Benton, Amy Lee, Pink, Annie Lennox…I love the way she looks.

If there’s a short haired girl look, sexy too and that voice that honestly has a ‘could’ be depth to it.

I wipe it all off again and hot water to release my pores then the wipes and they have that pore tightening stuff in them and I give it a few. Get my tablet and watch a couple You Tube make-up tutorials as I’m sitting on the toilet resting my back.

I look in the mirror. “I just want to be the girl in the hoody and the earphones with some decent eyeliner skills.”

I tilt my head. “Vain?”

“I dunno.”

“Well, talking to yourself definitely doesn’t help girl.”

Girl.

Me…yeah me… LOL I chuckle at my little Joan Jett bit.

I get up and start again. One more time sort of swaying side to side a little and singing the mostly wrong lyrics to *I Love Rock and Roll.* By Joan Jett.

Y’know she’s like trans friendly? I don’t know but I like just know. It’s definitely more Sarah stuff that’s there like just there.

I’m glad it’s there though, even with all this stuff, with all their bullshit aimed at me and all the things that people just…I’m good with Sarah, I want to be me…I just can’t really feel there’s any other option that isn’t like going to be horribly wrong.

I get the foundation down in a better blended coat. “There’s an aspiration not to feel like I’m living everything horribly wrong.”

I work it out some more even coating going with the grain of the face, there is such a thing too once I learned of it on a video. It’s like the way your pores seem to go you want to blend it all out to almost a fade and if you have a contrast between the foundation and your skin then you really, really should get something else.

Failing that try to blend it or diffuse the difference with powder.

Then there’s my lips, and I’m just trying to get that shaded but almost not quite wearing color look, I really, really am trying to not even get close to the whole in drag look.

And then my eyes.

That’s actually the hardest and it’s sort of the most telling kind of sort of thing really the right bit of eye shadow and eyeliner and mascara done right makes the eyes really look…right.

Not even like sexy but just sort of right. And no I honestly don’t care about the whole ranty sort of subject about how a girl doesn’t need to wear make-up. It’s my face; it’s something that makes me feel better when I look at myself.

It takes a little bit of doing and a steady hand but I think this time the job that I did actually looks good, I look good.

Not too overdone but just…well normal, I think.

Normal’s good.

I sit there and I look at myself for a while and then some more and then some more and then I take my stuff and try and fix my hair going for that sleek Annie Lennox short haired look and then I play around and I take some selfies.

And it might be seen as for something like for sympathy but I take a shot after that of the scars on my back and I even mess my hair up but I take shots of the surgical scars for my head too…and most of my other scars.

They’re going to go up on my Facebook.

A sort of Eff you see I actually was really hurt.

Because y’know some people unless they really know you like up close and stuff it doesn’t matter what happens to you if they think they have some reason to not like you they will. If they think that you’re bullshitting you are.

I wipe and wash off my face and by the time I’m done that my back is ready for my bed and I slip back in and I get my laptop and get back online.

I make sure all the nasty crap is saved and that it’s screen capped because well you really never know when I’m going to need it to call someone out on their stuff and I get a drink of ice water and I start to work at building a new Facebook page, Sarah’s Facebook page and Sarah’s e-mail and I put up my pictures and I put up my background of the stuff that happen and my diagnosis with like my aphasia and things and then I start in on Shawn’s Facebook.

I’m looking for people that I might still want to be friends with…And I even do a status update just to let all of them know.

“Hey everyone, I’m awake. But some of you might have heard that by now or it kind of looks that way. I’d like to thank everyone that sent cards and well wishes for me and my family we really appreciate it and it was really kind of you.”

“But you might have heard things too. I know there are lots of rumors flying around about me and I’m still not sure of all of them so I’m doing this status update for everyone.”

“I had brain damage, have brain damage. There’s a lot to work out for a long time from what I’m hearing from my doctors.”

“I have some really bad damage to my back and I’ve so far some pretty big issues with my memory. If I’m not contacting some of you then it’s just honestly that I literally don’t know that I should. There’s a lot of stuff, a lot of memories just gone.”

“But with stuff being gone was me pretending to be someone and something that I’m not.”

“Yes, if that’s the rumors that you’ve been hearing then it’s true. I’m transgender. I always have been but with most of everything that was Shawn kind of broken and gone now there was all of this stuff that I was hiding from all of you and my family and yeah really likely myself.”

“I guess that’s it, I’ll be around for a while on this account but I’m starting things over. I need to just so I can have a clear break from a past that I can’t really find or feel and to kind of get on with my life.”

“I’m disabling my PM’s though so anyone who wants to talk to me will have to do it in public. I think that there are enough people who might guess as to why.”

“Again thanks for all that you all have done and please do feel free to comment or to contact me. I’ll be around for a while yet until I get stuff in order.”

“~Sarah.”

Well that’s done.

I go back to looking through my Facebook and going through old posts and shares and even looking into the accounts of the people that I have on my friends lists and what they’ve been acting like or saying and stuff.

Maybe there’s some people that I can talk to, some that might talk to me.

But those other three…they’re not friend so yeah…Blocking…Banhammer time.

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Comments

Thank so much for the encouragement Bookworm.

There's a lot that can be told and shared in stories of people finding themselves no matter the starting points.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

"Banhammer time."

giggles. Great !

And that's the spirit I wish I had more of - "So what"

DogSig.png

The Banhammer is useful in social media.

It was a tie between *So What* and *Fu#king Perfect* which really, really fits the fighting back trans feelings really well too.
*Great Big Proud Angel Hugs*

Bailey Summers

Sooooo gooooood!

i am enjoying the story so far. The intimate look into these aspects is a great honor (I want to say treat but it seems an inappropriate choice of words). To be able to empathize with a character just shows how well you write. Kudos!

I really enjoy the in depth of a character Surfchef.

when you can sort of feel and get the aches and pains like they're your own and the other things too. The biggest things are leaving the prosey stuff aside because real people don't talk that way even in self narratives.

I'm very glad that you're enjoying this. It makes the work worth it.
*Great Big Hugs*

Bailey Summers

banhammer

sounds like a plan. go girl.
good chapter, thanks

Some folks aren't reasonable so Banhammers are needed.

It's a very good thing to have these days the ability to block people who get under your skin or worse. I've used mine quite a few times.
*Hugs and Howls*

Bailey Summers