Land of My Heart - Chapter 20

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Land of My Heart

A novel by Bronwen Welsh

The sequel to 'A Foreign Country'


Chapter Twenty   Soliloquy

It's been three weeks since that disastrous weekend when James came to the Station. For the first few days I thought that he would surely see he was being unreasonable and ring up full of apologies and asking that we put the whole thing behind us. I decided I would be gracious and magnanimous, and we would carry on as though the whole incident had never happened. But the phone never rang. I even rang the exchange just to make sure it was working properly.

So then I started to think that perhaps after all it was all my fault and that I should be the one to make the first move. I decided against a phone call and instead wrote a carefully reasoned letter to James which, while not admitting any fault, still opened the way for us to restart our relationship. I read it over carefully and then slowly and deliberately tore it up and burnt the pieces. Since then I have written five more letters, each containing more and more abject admissions of fault on my part, and each in turn torn up and burnt.

I wish I could see the situation from his point of view, but ironically because I am a woman I cannot understand the male viewpoint. Did he think that because I once had a male body that I had somehow trapped him into a pseudo-gay relationship? Surely not. But then men can be very sensitive about such matters

Then I started to get angry. How dare any man criticise anyone who was transgendered, and I deliberately use the past tense, because they had the guts to realise that they were born into a body with the wrong physical characteristics and chose to do something about it? Thank goodness I and so many like me were born in a generation when something could be done, but I don't doubt for a moment that through generations past, many people felt exactly the same way but did not see any way of dealing with it.

I read somewhere that in ancient times, those who blurred gender lines were respected as having special insight; indeed there are records that many of the female goddesses dating back thousands of millennia were served by priestesses who were in fact castrated males. I shudder to think of the crude surgery which they underwent and wonder how many did not survive the experience. In those pre-Christian times, it was often the goddesses who were considered the most powerful, I suppose because females are the child-bearers, and so men respected and were in awe of them and their ability to give life. This concept was turned on its head with the arrival of Christianity and the implication of a single God who was and is always represented as a male figure. I'm sure those early Christians did all that they could to suppress the cults of female goddesses and also their followers and priestesses.

But now I am scared. What if I never see James again? I am seeing the incident from a different viewpoint. Perhaps it is not so much my transgender issue that upset him as the fact that I did not reveal it to him? Perhaps it did not occur to him that I was afraid that he would not understand and that I would lose him. How ironic that I did not reveal it and have still lost him. Now I have started to cry and don't know if I can finish this. What will life be like without him? Would it have been better if I had never met him? What was that quote from Tennyson “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” Can I really believe that? The thought of life without James now is something to endure not to live. I feel I am wallowing in self-pity. It was all my fault and now I must suffer the consequences. What can I do to get him back?

When all is said and done it boils down to one thing. I love him. Now I need a miracle.

All the people at the station have been very kind. In some ways we are like a large family, which inevitably means that we get to know each other very well. From the moment James left with the mailman, it was obvious to everyone that something was wrong. They all knew that I was going to fly James back to Charleville, and instead, there he was returning by train – a very long trip. They probably thought we had had a row – and the irony was not lost on me that we hadn't in fact had a row at all. It had all been very civilised with very few words said.

There was no-one to whom I could reveal the whole truth – the only person who learned some of it was Jack's wife Mary. She is the only non-aboriginal woman on the station. If it sounds racist that she is the only person I can confide in, it isn't really. To everyone on the station, I am 'The Boss', and they would all have been horrified – the women in particular, if I started discussing personal matters with them. Mary and I had developed a friendship, especially since I started taking her to Brisbane to see her children at boarding school. She is the only person at the station who addresses me as Lesley. However, she doesn't know about my past and I am not going to reveal it to her. The more people know a secret, the less chance that it will be kept. All I said to her was that we had had a disagreement which had escalated and James had left. She didn't ask what it was and I didn't offer to tell her.

Days and weeks have gone by and still nothing from James. I have reached the stage where I am finally accepting that I am unlikely to ever hear from him again.

Monday morning

Last night I had a dream – at least I think it was a dream. In this dream I was asleep and I woke up suddenly. Moonlight was streaming through the window and by its light I made out a figure standing at the foot of the bed. She turned her head and to my surprise it was the aboriginal elder that I had seen many years ago when my life with John was in crisis.

“Jingara Aunty,” I greeted her respectfully, using the term taught to me by the Station staff, “Is something wrong?”

She did not answer me directly but instead replied “Go to him – he needs you.”

“James? Has something happened? Is he ill?” My heart was pounding.

“Go to him – now.” she repeated.

A cloud must have passed over the moon as its light suddenly dimmed and when it brightened again, she was gone.

To be continued

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Image credit: Australian cattle station by Harris Walker reproduced under Creative Commons licence with attribution.

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Comments

Thank you,Bronwen,

Our girl is going to have to come to terms with a lot,but then again so will James.The old indigenous elder sees something
that us white people cannot see.Lovely story and well written.

ALISON

The Power Of Dreams

joannebarbarella's picture

I knew it couldn't be over! Hurry up, Bronwen.....don't dawdle now,

I do hope the two of them get

I do hope the two of them get back together, they seem to be good for each other.

Poor Lesley

its quite clear that she knows it will have to be her who makes the first move, The question now is does she listen to Jingara Aunty..... I think we all know the answer to that, The cryptic message from Aunty may be just the spur she needs.... I for one certainly hope she goes, If nothing else it will clear Lesleys mind of all those "what if" thoughts.

Kirri

olive branch

Lesley needs to take an olive branch and hand it to James, the response will be in her favor, Aunty knows what is in the future and is not to be ignored.

Hugs From Carla :)

ROO

Frustrating contradiction

I had just read your latest chapter of ‘Land of my Heart’ (a beautiful title, by the way). You beautifully capture the frustrating contradiction, feeling responsible for who we are and feeling responsible for the reaction of others vs just wanting to be ourselves, 'seen' accepted, loved - an impossible situation to be in.

As Lesley writes and re-writes her letters, spiralling into the abyss of self-recrimination and guilt I cannot help but think of the many journal entries I have made and similarly, letters I have written to others explaining my actions. Thankfully, Lesley has the strength to know she is not at fault even though she still rails against the burden of loss.

As for the appearance of the Murri elder, I was looking for her in the last chapter so I am very happy to see Lesley’s guardian is here once again. I look forward to the next chapter.