I got a call from mom, right after the NASCAR banquet. My dad died. He was driving back from his doctors office earlier this afternoon, after a routine check of the kidney transplant he received a few years ago. Everything was looking pretty good. However, while driving back home from Syracuse, he slumped over and plowed head long into a bridge abutment on the highway.

Becoming Antonia Part 9.
By Toni Trepasso

I got a call from mom, right after the NASCAR banquet. My dad died. He was driving back from his doctors office earlier this afternoon, after a routine check of the kidney transplant he received a few years ago. Everything was looking pretty good. However, while driving back home from Syracuse, he slumped over and plowed head long into a bridge abutment on the highway.

“The police said the witnesses told them he actually accelerated after he slumped over. They think he was already dead when he hit.” she told me. I was in shock. How do you respond to your mother telling you that your father just died in a fiery car crash. After all he went through, getting the kidney transplant, and the doctor not using enough anaesthetic, causing him to feel everything. Then having the first stroke, and recovering enough to live a normal life. Now he dies in a car crash.

“Toni? Are you still there?”

“Yeah mom. I’m still here. I’m on my way home now.” I told her as I was wiping the tears away.

“Just be careful honey. It’s snowing pretty bad here right now.”

“I’ll be there in the morning mom.”
I told her I loved her as I hung up and turned to Brit and Jess with tears streaming down my face. They both knew something was wrong, but didn’t know what, or even how to ask me. So they both just hugged me tight while I tried to regain my composure.

“What did mom want Toni?”

“Dad’s dead, Brit.”

She just hugged me tighter and started to cry with me. She knew I loved my dad, even when he wouldn’t talk to me, I still loved him. Brit told me once that I was a lot like him. We both were honest as the day is long, and would never knowingly hurt someone. You always knew where you stood with dad, but he always told you in a way so as to try not to hurt your feelings. I guess I am a lot like him. It makes sense, since he was my idol when I was growing up.

“What happened?” Jess just sat there trying to figure out what else to say.

“They think he had another stroke when he was driving back from Syracuse. He slammed head long into a bridge abutment, and was pronounced dead at the scene.” I told her sitting there in shock.

“Oh Toni, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Not really, just be there for me as a friend, ok Jess?”

She just hugged me, as we rode in the limo back to the hotel, to get our things, and head to the airport.

When we got off the plane I started to think about all the trips I’d made when I was younger. Always going to job interviews, or races, and how dad was always waiting for me at the baggage claim to pick me up. I was half expecting to see him there this time, hoping it was an evil joke they were playing on me to get me home sooner then Christmas. As we rounded the corner after the escalators, there was mom and Doug waiting for us. Mom just ran to hug me as the tears rolled down her face. We got our bags and they drove us back to their place. I didn’t sleep that night. I hadn’t slept since mom’s call about dad, but that night I just thought of all dad and I did together. All the good times we shared, and how after his transplant he was like the guy I’d remembered from my childhood. Always doing things, and on the go. We’d been to a lot of races together, and many of the Syracuse University football games. The thoughts came fast a furious as all the images came flooding into my mind. I must have passed out at some point, because I woke up with Brit gently shaking me.

“Come on Toni, wake up. We have to get ready for the wake.”

“Huh? What time is it?”

“Almost noon, the wake starts at 3, with family visitation at 2.”

“Ok. Wow, I guess I needed some sleep.”

“Yeah, you’ve been out since around 3am. I figured I’d just let you sleep. You needed it.”
“Thanks hun.”

I got up, and took a long hot shower. Trying to collect myself for seeing the rest of my family for the first time since my change. My inner voice was arguing with itself again.

“What are they going to say?”

“Forget about them, this is about dad. Not your aunt and uncle.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to create a scene.”

“YOU won’t. You’re just there to show respect to the man you’ve looked up to your whole life.”

“Yeah, but what if they do something?”

“Let them try. Just stay cool you can handle it.”

Brit knocked on the door and asked if I was alright. I told her I was fine, and I’d be ready shortly. I wore the same suit skirt set I’d worn to meet the sponsors when I’d started with Jessica. It seemed fitting since it was all black, and gave a professional appearance. Mom gave me a black vale to wear, but I told her I’d do that at the funeral. Today was not about morning, it was about celebrating dad’s life.

We pulled up to the funeral home, and the rest of dad’s side of the family was already there. You’d have thought Hitler had pulled up, from the nasty looks I was getting. I know I was never the favorite of the family, but from the way they were acting towards me, you’d have thought I had killed my dad. I just nodded to them as I walked into the parlor where dad was on display. I tried to hold it together, but started balling my eyes out from the moment I looked in the casket. I only wanted to see him one more time, and be able to tell him I loved him. He looked like he had when I saw him right after his stroke, in the hospital. They had him sedated, and he was sleeping comfortably. That’s when it all came rushing back to me.

As I looked into his casket, I could see in my mind, all the good times. How we’d spend hours fishing when I was a kid. Just sitting there talking as we waited for a bite. I could see the look on his face as he taught me to ride a two wheeler. I could feel him hug me when I won the Eastern Grands when I was racing quarter midgets. I could feel him hug me when I made my first goal in soccer. I could feel him hold me when I crashed my car and had to be taken to the hospital with a broken arm. I could see the look of pride in his eyes when he shook my hand the day I earned my college degree. I could hear him boast to all his friends when I signed on with a NASCAR team. I could feel the pain he felt when he returned home after his stroke, and I had to cook and clean for him for the first few months. I saw the joy in his face when he passed his driving test after the stroke, so he could get his freedom back. And I remember the look of pain on his face when he ran up to the car that Father’s Day two years ago, when we started talking again. I started to go weak in the knees when I felt him hold my arm as he walked me down the isle. And holding me close as I rested my head on his shoulder during the father daughter dance. He was really gone. My father, my hero. He was gone.

Just then, the funeral director came up behind me and asked me to leave.

“Why?”

“Miss, this is for family only. The public viewing is not until 3.”

“This is my father!” I told him as the tears started to roll down my face.

“I was told by his sister that he only had one son who died a couple years ago.”

I became furious. Brit noticed this and as I was about to say something, she pulled the funeral director aside to tell him the whole story. She even showed him the photo book from my stay in the hospital. He looked at her, and shook her hand. Then he came over to me.

“Ms. Trepasso, I’m sorry about that. I was only going on what I’d been told.”

“I don’t blame you. The family treats me like I’m dead, so I guess this makes sense." I took a deep breath and asked the important question. "Since I’m his only child, do I have a say in who can see him?”

“Yes, that is the policy.”

“Ok, then no one out there right now gets to see him.”

“Miss, I can’t do that.”

“You just told me you could.”

“I mean, your aunt and uncle are the ones who reserved this parlor for the wake.”

I reached in my purse and pulled out my credit card. “Refund them their money, and put all the charges on this.”

He looked at me for a moment then took my card and did as I had asked. You could hear the uproar as he told the family that they weren’t allowed to see my dad. My aunt was outraged and threatened to call the police. He informed her that these were my wishes and that she was going to have to leave. Just as I walked over to stand in the doorway.

“You little slut! Who do you think you are?”

“I don’t think. I KNOW I’m my fathers only child, and YOU aren’t going to see him until you respect me as the same person who used to baby sit your kids, and mowed your lawns, and help you set up your trailers when we’d go camping.”

“You aren’t Patrick. He’s dead.”

“You’re right. Patrick died when you killed him, and every memory of him from your lives. And just like you killed him, you can just kill the memories of my father.” I spat back at her as the tears started to roll down my face.

My cousin Julie came up to me and asked to talk in private. Jules and I were like brother and sister growing up. We were the closest in age of all my cousins and always hung out together all through school. She was a nurse and knew some of what had happened to me, so she was a bit more open minded then the rest of them.

“Pat... er.... Toni? Is it?” I nodded to her. “Look, we’ve always been close.”

“Yeah, we have Jules.”

“This isn’t right. My father is your father’s brother, and she’s our aunt.” she said pointing to aunt B.

“And?” I asked.

“Would your father want this?”

“Probably not, but what else can I do? The funeral director was trying to ask ME to leave. I just wanted them to see what it felt like. I plan on letting them stay, but this shit has to end. HERE, AND NOW.”

“Let me handle this”

She went back to the family and told them all that they were being stupid about what had happened to me, and how they were treating the whole situation. She reminded Aunt B, that she was still my god mother, and that I was still the same person on the inside as I’d always been. Julie always had a way of convincing people to see things her way. I always told her she should run for president.

Aunt B came over to me. I could see that Jules’ words had touched her, and she hugged me.
“I’m sorry for being an stubborn old bag, Pat.”

“It’s Toni now Aunt B. And we’re still family. There is nothing to forgive. Come on, lets go say good bye to dad.” I told her as I hugged her.

We held dad’s funeral a couple days later in the same church he’d grown up going to. Since the ground was frozen and it was the middle of December, we’d have to wait to burry him till spring. I stayed around and tried to get the house in order, packing dad’s things away, and cleaning up almost 40 years of belongings from the place. A lot of it went to the Goodwill, and Salvation Army, I had the family come over and take what they wanted since I’d already done the same myself. The I contacted a relator, and had them put the house on the market. Brit and I went back down to North Carolina to get back to work.

I was going through an old box of cards dad had saved. I guess I just couldn’t bring myself to throw them out since they were so important to him. While glancing through them a little picture fell out of one, and I picked it up. It was of my Ex, Sarah holding a small child and on the back were the words, “First Christmas.” I thought it kind of strange for dad to hold on to it all these years but Brit informed me that we needed to get to the shop soon, so I put it back in the box and tried to think about what needed to be done for Daytona.

We were having a pit crew practice when our catch can man showed up on crutches. He said he was skiing, and broke his leg in 3 places. We were in trouble now. The season was fast approaching and we needed someone fast.

“I can do it.” came a voice behind me. I turned to see who it was.

“Brit? You want to go over the wall?”

“Why not? You did it?”

“Yeah, and I also got hit by my share of cars along the way too.”

“But I’ll be at the back of the car not running around the front like you used to.”

She had a point, and she had been filling in during practice when our regular guy couldn’t get off work. I talked to Richard about it and he agreed to have her do it. So it was set, and now all that was left was get the cars ready for Daytona.

We unloaded and were the car to beat right out of the box. The guys in the body shop gave us just what we needed for the cool February Florida weather. We didn’t take the pole in qualifying, but we did get the other front row spot. We’d be starting next to our teammate Jeff, in the 31. We both raced well in the 150 lap qualifying races that set the rest of the field. Jess kept the car out of trouble and showed she could race well in the pack. On the day of the race I saw on Brit’s face she was nervous, so I tried to calm her a bit before we left for the track.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“God Toni, I don’t know if I’m ready for this.”

“You’ll be fine, you’ve done it thousands of times in practice.”

“I just wish I had your confidence. You look like a woman who’s calm and cool when you’re sitting on top of that pit box.”

I laughed. “If you only knew. I’m usually so nervous during a race that I almost pass out from the stress. Look, you’ll do fine today. Trust me.”

She smiled and we headed to the track. The race was going well, with all 4 cars on our team in a break away pack from the rest of the cars. We all ducked on to pit road for a green flag stop. I’d talked to all the other team crew chief and we all were going with 4 tires and pack it full of gas. A few guys from the chase pack came in for their stops. Apparently they were going to try to tack on to our group and see what happened later in the race. Our stop was going well. Brit hit her marks just like the rest of the team did, and they were dumping the second can of fuel in just as all hell broke loose.

I heard over my radio that I had set to the broadcast coverage that there was trouble coming out of turn 4. I looked up just in time to see cars scattering with smoke and the sound of screeching rubber. Some of the cars had shot down pit road to try to avoid the crash, but a couple of them tangled as they tried to do this. I looked up in time to see one car slam into the back of ours, knocking it off the jack, and pinning one of the tire changers under the car. I looked around to assess the casualties, but couldn’t find Brit.

The rescue team got to us and they lifted the cars apar with a couple tow trucks. Under the rubble was a limp lifeless body in a fire suit, holding the remnants of a catch can. I tried to see if she was alright, but the officials and rescue workers held me back. All I could do was watch as they pulled off her helmet and check for her pulse. I could see from the looks on the faces of the workers that it wasn’t good. They didn’t even bother putting her on a stretcher as they loaded her in the ambulance. Richard had one of the guys drive me to the hospital, as we followed the ambulance in my car.

I sat in the waiting room a nervous wreck. Brit was my everything. She is the main reason I’ve kept as sane as I am over the past few years. I just couldn’t think about life if she were gone. A doctor came out and pulled me into a private room. He told me she was dead. For what it’s worth, he told me, she died at the moment of impact, having been crushed between two cars, with one stopped and the other going over 100 mph.

I wish I could remember more about that day. I kind of went numb from the shock of losing my soul mate. I know I left the team in the days following the crash, and that Jessica helped me get through as much as she could. She was always around when she didn’t need to be at the track, and we’d just sit there talking.

I just kind of fell into a funk, not wanting to leave the house, or do anything. People would call and I’d let the machine get it. People would stop by and I’d just not answer the door. Then one cold November day, as I came out of the bathroom, Jessica was standing there.

“You look like shit.”

“You know Jess, you’re not the first person to ever tell me that. How did you get in here?”

“You gave me a key a while back, remember? How have you been holding up?”

“I live.”

“You call this living? When was the last time you left this house?”

“Um, last week, I had to go to the store for milk.”

“This isn’t healthy. Besides, what would Brit say if she saw you this way.”

I started to cry. “I miss her Jess. It’s my fault she’s dead.”

“You didn’t kill her. It was an accident.” she told me rubbing my back.

“I might just as well have. I never should have put her on the crew.”

“You know as well as I do that if she hadn’t joined our team, she’d have pestered Jimmy, Buzzy, or Greg to get on theirs. She was a lot like you are. Strong willed and thick headed sometimes. Have you even seen the footage of what happened?”

“No, I just can’t bare to watch it.”

“You need to see it. Trust me.”

She put the DVD in the player and brought up the part of the race when it happened. The rear tire changer was coming around the car just as the accident happened. I saw Brit look over her shoulder, and then shove the tire changer out of the way. She had saved his life, as she gave up her own. I was floored. My late wife, who I’d been morning all these months was a heroine. She had saved the father of 3 from being crushed by the car careening toward them.

“I didn’t know.”

“Neither did I till my dad showed me the footage. NASCAR wants to re-name the sportsmanship award, the Brittany Stephens-Trepasso Memorial Sportsmanship Award.”

“Wow, so they want to honor her that way?”

“Mike Hilton said she gave the ultimate sacrifice to save a fellow competitor. They want you to present the award next week at the banquet.”

“I don’t know Jess. I haven’t done anything since Brit died, and I don’t know if I could hold it together long enough to make a speech.”

She placed a hand on my shoulder. “Girl, if anyone could pull it off, you can. I’ll even help you.”

“Alright, what’s first?”

“Your hair. When was the last time you had it cut or styled?”

“Um, before last years banquet.”

She told me to get dressed and took me to a little salon near my home. She had the girls give me the full treatment. I’ve never had a full salon experience before. The facial, pedicure and manicure. They had to put acrylic nails on since I’d been biting mine for the past few months. I had to admit it felt good to get out and be pampered for once.

“Wow, you look good girl.”

“Thanks Jess, I needed this.”

“Come on, we have to go shopping. You need a new dress for the banquet.”

So we went to a little shop Jess knew of near the shop, that a wife of a driver started so the wives and girlfriends of the drivers would have the latest fashions to wear for special occasions. I tried on a few, but a nice business style black number spoke to me when I tried it on. I ended up with that one and a nice pair of shoes to go with it.

“So I’ll see you in New York?”

“I’ll pick you up in the morning at 7am Toni. We have a 10 am flight.”

“You already booked my ticket? You didn’t even know if I’d say yes to this whole thing.”

“In the three years I’ve known you, I had a hunch you’d say yes to this. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I hugged her, and she drove off back to her place to finish packing. I got busy doing the same, since I’d be in the city for a whole week. I packed a bag of casual things, to just bum around in, and then put my suit skirt and the new dress in my garment bag. I went to bed that night and woke up with a start at a bright light in my room.

“Who’s there?”

“Just me hun.”

“Brit? Oh wow, I just had the wildest dream. It really scared me. You had been killed at a race.”

“Um, it wasn’t a dream Toni. I am dead. I just wanted to thank you for doing this. I’m glad you are presenting the award named for me.” I started shaking as her words sunk in and I realized I was talking to a ghost.

“This isn’t funny Brit. This has to be a dream. Either you’re dead, and I’m hallucinating, or you’re alive and messing with my head. What did I have to drink last night? My head is starting to hurt.”

“You had a cola, and a glass of water before bed. I’m not messing with you. This isn’t a dream, and I really am dead. I know this is hard for you to comprehend, but I just wanted to see you, and tell you that I’m glad you have a reason to stop mourning. I’ve been able to move on from limbo now, and I’m finally at peace knowing you can start to move on with your life.”

“Brit, I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll never forget what you mean to me.”

“I know, but there are ways to do that without feeling sorrow. Remember the good times, and all the fun we had. Use that as a tool to move on and be happy with the rest of your life. You have a lot left to do before your time is up hun. And I’ll be right here waiting for you when you get here.”

“How do you know all this?”

“You’ll just have to trust me. You have a lot more in store for you then you’ve ever dreamed possible. One more thing before I go. Sarah really misses you a lot. She is the key to the rest of your life.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“You’ll know when it’s time. I have to go. Remember, I love you.”

“I love you too Brit.”

And just like that she was gone. The room was dark again and it was still the middle of the night. I tried to get some sleep, but my mind kept racing about what Brit said.
“What did she mean about Sarah being the key? What kind of key? What do I have left to do with my life? I’m not sure I really want to “move on.” I’ll always love Brit. There is nothing in this world that will change that. I used to think I knew what love was, but I was wrong until I met her. She was my everything, and nothing will change that."

My alarm went off and I quickly got dressed and ready for the airport. Jess showed up a little before 7am, and we got my things in her car, then headed off from my home in Conover, (just outside Hickory) to Charlotte to catch our flight. I dozed off on the two hour jaunt from Charlotte to JFK. I woke up just as they made the announcement for final descent. I looked over and Jess was snuggled against my arm, holding on to me like a teddy bear. I woke her up.

“Jess, come on wake up. We’re almost in New York. We need to get our seatbelts on.”

“Huh? Ok, I’m awake. I had a nice dream Toni. I’ll have to tell you about it sometime.”

“Ok, by the way, which hotel did you say we were staying at?”

“The Four Seasons”

“Nice. How can you afford that? What, did you have a good season or something?”

“You didn’t follow the tour did you? I won my second cup.”

“Congratulations.” I hugged her as we started to land at JFK.

We got our bags and the rental car then headed off for the hotel. Jess told me that we were going to be sharing a room. I told her it was fine with me.

“It’ll be like when we were running with the Grand National West guys. Remember those dives we used to stay in?”

“Yeah, how can I forget that time in Phoenix Jess?”

“Oh yeah, I wonder if that guy at the hotel bar ever got his nuts out of his throat?”

We both laughed as I started think back to that race in Phoenix when we had a problem with some local red necks at the hotel bar. This one guy saw Brit and I kissing and he started making drunk comments about the “fag girls.” I got up to have words with him and he ripped my shirt at the chest, exposing my breasts to the whole bar. I just reeled back and kicked him as hard as I could in the balls with the toe of my steel toe boots. He fell like a sack of wet mush to the floor and we just left him there, holding his crotch and gasping for breath. Brit suggested that his nuts must be in his throat by now.

We started to unpack in our room. We spent the rest of the day just relaxing and playing video games. It started to feel like the old days when we’d get rained out at a track and spend the day just playing games at the hotel to pass the time.

Jess told me that we had to meet Richard for dinner that night, so I put my suit skirt on and we went to meet my old boss. Richard hugged me and complimented me on how good I looked.

“Well I haven’t really done much over the past few months.”

“Look, I’m sorry about what happened at Daytona. If there is anything I can do, just let me know.”

“Thanks Richard. I’m doing better now, and Brit’s in a better place. I’ll always love her, but I know my time isn’t up just yet.”

We sat down and they caught me up on what I’d missed over the past season. They told me that Jess was going to be leaving for CHIP GANASSI RACING for the next season, and as if on cue, Chip showed up and sat with us.

“Toni, good to see you again. I’m really sorry about what happened at Daytona. All the guys in the garage thought of you and Brit as the little sisters we never had. Where have you been hiding?”

“I’ve just been home. I kind of fell into a funk after it all happened. Jess finally got me out and back into society again.”

“Well good to have you back with us. Let’s eat.”

We had a nice meal, with some light hearted conversation about nothing in particular. When we finished eating, Richard excused himself and left for the night. He said he’d see us tomorrow at the banquet. Chip looked at me and asked me if Jess had told me the news.

“Yes, she just told me before you showed up that she’ll be driving for you next season.”

He looked at Jess. “You didn’t tell her the rest of it?”

I just looked at them both. “The rest of what?”

“Jess is going to drive for me at INDY next season.”

“She’s WHAT?” I turned to Jessica. “You’re WHAT?”

“I’m going to take my two Cups and move to the IRL.”

I was dumbfounded. Usually it happens the other way. Drivers usually leave other series like the IRL, (Indy Racing League) and come to NASCAR. Hell, Juan left Formula 1 to come here. This is something you don’t normally see in the world of racing. I was just sitting there trying to take it all in.

“I want you to come with her Toni. I want you to be Jess’ crew chief at INDY.”

“Wow Chip I’m honored, but I know nothing about those fragile toys you guys call race cars.”

“It’s the same basic stuff really. Just make the car go fast, and handle. It’s the same things. 4 tires, 4 shocks, and 4 springs.”

“And three wings.” I interjected.

“It’s not that bad. Tell you what, how about you come to the test at Homestead and try it out.”

I thought it over for a second. “Ok, just to see what it’s like.”

We shook and Chip paid the check. Jess and I went back to the hotel and relaxed in front of the TV.

“You could have warned me.”

“What?”

“I said you could have warned me about all that.”

“Oh, come on. When have you ever backed down from a challenge Toni?”

“That’s not the point. I don’t know if I can force myself to get back on top of a pit box.”

“You’ll do fine. For what it’s worth. Chip is right.”

“How’s that?”

“You and Brit are like the sisters I never had.”

I started to cry and we just held each other for a while. The hotel was playing “Le Mans” with Steve McQueen on there movie channel and we just sat there watching all the classic old iron being pushed to the limits. I don’t remember falling to sleep, but I woke up around 2am, and Jess had snuggled against me, again holding me like she would a teddy bear. I tried to wake her up to go to bed, but she was out like a light. I did my best to extract myself from her grasp and then placed an arm under her shoulders and the other under her knees, and lifted her off the couch. This was so much easier when I was a man, but even now, she wasn’t that heavy. Lucky for me, most race drivers are in good shape, and many are smaller in stature. I laid her down on the bed and pulled the covers over her. We had both changed into our PJ’s before sitting down to watch the movie. I looked at her laying there and started to think about what Brit had told me. I knew something was about to change in my life, again, but I was too tired to try to figure it out. I just climbed into bed next to Jessica and drifted off into dream land.

I awoke with a start when the phone rang. It was our wake up call, and just in time too. I was having another nightmare. This was a new one. It had started a lot like the one Brit and I had shared a while back, but this one was ending poorly.

Jess had again snuggled against me in the middle of the night and I could tell from her face she was having a bad dream too. I shook her gently to wake her.

“Jess. come on Jess, wake up. We have to be at the Today show in an hour.”

“Huh? What time is it?”

“Almost 6am. We have to get going.”

“Oh Toni. I had the worst dream last night.”

“Yeah, I had one myself, but let’s not worry about that. You have to take Al Roker for a ride in your car today down Broadway.”

She hugged me and we both thrashed to get ready for the appearance on the Today show. We both looked like casual business women as we raced down stairs to the waiting limo. We were met at the studio by the show producer and ushered into the studio where they were doing the live broadcast. They were in a commercial break and Jess was going to be on next, talking about winning her second cup. Then after a short break she was going to take their weather guy on the ride of his life thru down town.

“Joining us now is two time Nextel Cup Champion Jessica Zimkin. Welcome Jessica.”

“Thank you for having me.”

“So what’s it like to be a woman at the top of a traditionally male game?”

“Does it matter if I’m a woman? I just love to drive, and I’ve proven that I’m just as good as most of the men out there.”

“True. So two cups in your first two seasons. Has that ever been done before?”

“No, not as far as I know. But then again, most rookies never had the crew and crew chiefs I’ve had along the way.”

“You bring up and interesting point. You started the season with the crew chief you won last years championship with Toni Trepasso-Stephens right?”
“Yes I did, but she left the team after her life partner and my good friend Brit Stephens was killed at Daytona when she jumped in front of a car heading toward our car to shove another crew member out of the way. NASCAR is re-naming their sportsmanship award in her memory, and Toni will be giving out the award tonight.”

“Is Toni with you here?”

“Yes she is. Toni? Come on out here.”

I was trying to find a hole to crawl into when one of the stage managers pulled me out of the back and shoved me in front of the camera. They handed me a cordless hand mic.

“So Toni, where have you been? I’ve been told you were in hiding since the crash.”

“Not hiding, more along the lines of mourning. I just didn’t want to deal with anyone since I’d lost my best friend.”

“Have you seen the footage of the crash.”

“Yes I have. Jess forced me to watch it a couple days ago.” I shot her an ‘I’ll get you for this’ look.

“So you know that the entire sports world has been dubbing Brittany as a hero.”

“No I didn’t know that, but I can see why. The man she pushed out of the way is a father of three, and he and his wife had another on the way at the time. I’m sure they’ve had the baby by now, but I haven’t had the chance to talk to them. I hope Jim and Kathy will be there tonight so I can talk to them both.”

“So Jessica, you’ve won two championships in one of the toughest series in the world. What’s next?”

“Well, I’m leaving Richard Childress Racing and going with CHIP GANASSI RACING next season.”

“So you’re going with a competing team then?”

“Not exactly. I’m leaving NASCAR. I’ll be driving their INDY car next season in the IRL. Chip was going to make the official announcement later today.”

“You heard it here first. Nextel Cup Champion Jessica Zimkin is leaving NASCAR to chase her dream of an INDY 500 win. We’ll be back after these messages with Jessica taking Al for a little trip down Broadway.”

The hosts shook our hands and we went outside for the next segment. The team had fitted one of the cars with a passenger seat and Al was being strapped in when we got there. Jess started to climb in and I stopped her for a moment. I kissed her on the cheek.

“What was that for Toni?”

“For making me do all this.”

“You deserve it. I’ll be back in a few.”

She strapped in and put her helmet on. They came back from break and Al talked up the ride he was going to get. They had patched the mic in his helmet into the air feed. He and Jess were chatting about what it was like to drive one of those cars. She fired up the engine and gunned it a couple times. The noise was deafening with the exhaust noise echoing off the tall buildings around us. She asked Al if he was ready.

“No, but that’s never stopped me before. Hit it.”

And she did. She left like she was leaving a pit stop. The tires smoking as they rocketed down Broadway. The crew had set up cameras along the route to follow them, and they had put the cameras in the car to capture the whole thing on tape for later. I was watching in a monitor as the NYPD started chasing them. Jess pulled over to the curb and the officer walked up to the car. You could hear the whole thing on the mic from her helmet.

“Is there a problem officer?”

“Do you know how fast you were going miss?”

“Sorry, no officer. They don’t put a speedometer in here. They say it’s not safe to look at that when you’re going as fast as I do.”

“Ma’am, we clocked you at 150 mph. That is five times the legal limit in the city.”

“But officer isn’t there something I can do?”

“Well, I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you off this time with a warning, just slow it down and get this thing back to where ever it came from.”

“Ok, thank you officer.”

She fired it back up and dumped the clutch spinning it around in a 180 to head back to the studio. The cop was in shock as she had just spun around him and was off like a shot. They pulled back to the studio and she slid in to a stop right where she’d started from. Al tried to get out of the car, but his hands were shaking too much to undo the seatbelts. We left as they went to another break, and headed to meet up with Richard for the parade down Broadway with the rest of the ‘Chase for the Cup’ top 10.

“You know, I think you made that poor guy piss himself.” I told her with a giggle.

“Nah, I didn’t push it that hard. He’s fine.”

“What am I going to do with you?”

“Love me?”

I just looked at her in shock. Brit had used that line on me before. I know she’s a friend, and I have grown very close to her since the crash, but am I ready for this?

“Go on, you have a parade to lead.” I told her with a hug.

This time when she drove down Broadway, she was following a police escort and idling as they made their way to the Waldorf, where the Banquet would be held tonight.

We made our way back to the hotel after a short press conference, and autograph session. I must say Jessica looked stunning in her baby blue evening dress. I put on a bit of makeup and helped Jess with her hair, then we got in the limo and headed to the Banquet. I was just like it was last year, except for me missing Brit. We both sat with the crew at the head table and ate as the show started. The TV crew went to a break and one of the people running the show came to get me. I was going to be handing out the sportsmanship award next. I had no idea who was getting it, but I did have a little speech ready.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm round of applause for last years Nextel Cup winning crew chief Toni Trepasso-Stephens.”

I made my way to the podium. “Sportsmanship. Webster’s defines it as ‘ a person who takes part in a sport, especially as a professional, or a person who behaves sportingly.’ What it means to us is a competitor that goes above and beyond the call of duty to help a fellow competitor in a time of need. We see it every day in the garage. One team is having trouble or breaks a part, and another team lends them a new part or a tool to help get that team back out on the track. In my life I had never met someone who exemplified this more then my late life partner. She was always willing to lend a hand to anyone who needed it. Even if there was friction between herself and that person. She had helped me through one of the most difficult times in my life, and for that I will always be thankful to her.” I started to cry. “So I present to you this years recipient of the Brittany Stephens-Trepasso Memorial Sportsmanship award.”

I looked over my shoulder to the large screen behind me as the presentation started. I was shocked to see Brit’s baby pictures start to show. I didn’t really pay attention to the words being said, all I could do was think back to all the good times. Then they showed pictures of Brit and I at Alfred, and hanging out at her parent’s house,then of our wedding, and our honeymoon in Hawaii. I almost completely lost it, as I swear I could feel her hand on my shoulder. They finally showed a picture of her at Daytona in a team uniform, and I heard the voice over.

“Brit was taking from us this past February as she was saving another crew member from being hit by a car that was skidding out of control toward him. She gave up her live so he could live his. This years recipient of the Brittany Stevens-Trepasso Sportsmanship Award is Brittany Stephens-Trepasso. Here to receive the award for her late wife is Antonia Trepasso-Stephens.”

I turned back around and the whole room stood up applauding. That was the last thing I remember before everything went black. I woke up sometime later on a couch with a paramedic looking me over. I pulled the oxygen mask off my face, and looked around. Jess, and Richard were standing there.

“What happened?” I asked still trying to shake the cobwebs loose

“You fainted.”

“You could have told me they were doing this Jess.”

“I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“You’ve known me for over three years now. You know I hate surprises.”

“I’m sorry. Are you feeling better?”

“Yes, it was all just a lot to take in.”

“I’ll leave you two alone.” Richard told us as the paramedics left with him.

“You could have at least given me a heads up. It was almost painful to watch all those images on that screen.”

“I know. She was a great girl, and so are you.”

“You know, I should be pissed you did all this. But I’m glad you finally got me out of the house, and back in the flow of life. Thank you.”

“I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for you. Thank you Toni.”

We hugged and then she helped me up. We hailed a cab, and went back to the hotel for a good nights sleep, at least we tried to get a good nights sleep. I had the same dream again. Jess and I were getting along great. Then we were at INDY and all I remember before I woke up was her car went airborne at over 200mph. I woke up at the same time Jess did, and she was holding me tight as she did.

“OOOF! What the hell Jess?”

“Sorry, bad dream.”
“Yeah, I had one too. It’ll be alright. Come on, let’s try to get back to sleep, we’ve got an early flight in the morning.”

She kissed my cheek, and snuggled against me as she drifted off in to sleep. I just lay there thinking about everything Brit had told me before this trip began. Was I ready for it? Could I handle anymore trouble in my life? I just hope I don’t lose it and go crazy after all these years.

To be continued.

Next time; ‘Back home again, in Indiana....’