Secondhand Life - Part 6

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Day two of ADR went much faster, and we were done in time for me to dash back to my hotel and grab a 2 hour nap before dinner with Dez and some studio execs.

In the ladies room at Nagoya - the Pan-Asian fusion place, I was cornered by Lena one of our executive producers.

“OK. Out with it Katherine. What the hell is going on?”

I looked at her blankly. “What?” I could think of a number of answers, but first I'd need a more specific question.

“Don't give me that look. What's going on with you? Are you on new meds? Are you off your meds? What the hell is UP with you?”

“God. You're starting to sound like the tabloids. Are you secretly moonlighting for TMZ?” I smiled.

“Cut the shit Kat. This is me for chrissakes! What the hell is up with you?”

I sighed. I was going to have to think fast to come up with something to get this woman off my ...off Katherine's... case.

“It's just...." I let out a heavy sigh "...I don't know... with the stress of filming.... and the anxiety of the premiere.... and all the trouble with the police and those people over my....”

“...Boxter... yeah yeah. I get it. Lots of stress. Lots of pressure. Same old same old.”

“So....” I let it hang there, hoping she would complete my thought and bail me out. I was pretty much ready to agree with whatever explanation she came up with. No such luck.

“...SO????”

Aw, crap.

“....SO.... I.... just.... snapped.... I dunno. Call it a midlife crisis.....”

“You're 24” she scowled.

“I plan to die young.” I shrugged. “So. Yeah. I just decided..... 'fuck it'”

“Fuck it?” she glared at me.

I shrugged. “fuck it.” I repeated. Totally monotone. Like a mantra.

Fuck it!” she howled as two more ladies started to come into the restroom and quickly turned around. “FUCK IT! ...oh my God, you're certifiable! Midlife crisis??? I don't think the world can take another 24 years of you! Jesus, Katherine. You're priceless. ….Fuck it.....” she was still convulsing with laughter as she left the ladies room. I wasn't sure exactly what had just happened, but I breathed a sigh of relief and thought 'so... that went well'.

As I rejoined our party at the table I saw Lena smirking at me and everyone else seemed visibly more relaxed. I don't know what she said to them, but I felt it was a good thing.

“So, you're off to New York for ...what is it... Today? GMA?...”

“I think it's Get The Hell Up New York” I quipped.

The laughter was a bit too loud and fast. Did I make a joke or was I the joke? Whatever. I plowed on.

“Doesn't really matter. Kathy Lee and Hoda, Robin and George, Charlie and ...whoever.... we'll all be there happy shiny, perky as hell and pimp the crap out of this thing. We'll get them so worked up that they'll have to buy a ticket just to see for themselves what all the fuss is about. We'll sing our hearts out, dance our butts off... we'll charm the pants off of them.... and once their pants are off, we'll....”

“Okay! OK. OK.... I think they get the idea Katherine...” Dez interrupted just in time.

I shot him a glance, like 'too much?'... he just smiled and relaxed a little. I think maybe I had even HIM going, but he was back on board.

“Jesus Katherine!” Jonah, the studio guy said. “I don't know whether what I just witnessed was madness or genius!”

“Could it be both?” I smiled enigmatically.

He threw his head back and laughed. “Oh God. We're about to throw a wild ferret into a convent. Desmond, are you sure you can ….handle her?...” he said, looking at me with a mixture of intrigue and fear.

Dez nodded. “Reasonably sure. Leave everything to me.”

I toned down the crazy for the rest of the dinner, but remained engaged in the conversation, offering comments and opinions that seemed to be taken seriously by everyone. My plan was to let them see the crazy, then let them see the sane, wondering if the crazy was just an act, but knowing that it was an act that would get the country's attention.

Our New York interview seemed to go well. I kept the crazy reasonably toned down. In fact I scaled it back to just one bit. Whenever one of our cast would talk about the film, I would interrupt with a near-hysterical shriek of “Spoiler Alert!!!” initially explaining that I learned from the internet that superfans did not want any spoilers and I did not want to upset the internet. So whenever anyone would say anything about the movie... for example, when Eoin was talking about how he felt about shooting in Canada and Mexico instead of Australia, I would yell “Spoiler Alert! The internet doesn't want to know where it was filmed! They want to look for landscapes and rock formations and find them on Google Earth themselves.... then they can tell the rest of the internet where the movie was really filmed!” I kept pushing it, making more absurd excuses for what could be considered spoilers. Pretty soon the whole cast and the interviewers were getting very silly and cracking themselves up. Whenever anyone would start to say something, they'd look to me waiting for me to interrupt. I would just sit there primly. Hands in lap. Serene smile on my face. Returning their look impassively. As they would return their attention to the host and go into their answer I would wait for what I judged to be the most banal thing, and shriek “Spoiler Alert!!!”

The interview devolved into something surreal, but I knew it was something people were calling their friends to watch, because I was seeing it happen on the set itself. We started with the regular floor crew, but people kept coming in and lingering, and more and more started crowding the floor behind the cameras. I saw some of the talent from other shows whom I recognized as well as lots of folks I presumed to be technical and office staff from other shows in the building starting to crowd the floor. They all knew to be quiet on the set, but soon we had a live audience and they couldn't contain themselves. The whole interview devolved into a kind of dada experience, but I have no doubt it got everyone talking. I think my favorite moment was when Eoin and I were performing a number from the film, very poignant and romantic.... when Eoin got to the part where he gently touched his fingers under my chin, turning me to face him and tenderly crooned “Meggie, my sweet Meggie... you are...” I shrieked “Spoiler Alert” and Eoin completely lost it and collapsed on the floor. I actually thought he might soil himself he was laughing so hard. I managed through sheer force of will, to keep a poker face and stared right into the camera and shrugged “....wouldn't want to spoil the movie....” I said sheepishly.

Our number was supposed to be about 2 minutes long, but I derailed him about thirty seconds in. Our hosts had taken a break while we did our song and dance. I burned about another 30 up until my 'spoil the movie' line. I could see the frantic scrambling going on behind the cameras. This was unexpected and people were freaking. This kind of thing didn't happen on live TV. Which is why I knew we were doing it just right. Most of the visitors to the set were doubled over in laughter while the camera crew and floor manager were trying frantically to improvise coverage. There were a lot of swooping blurry camera shots while they tried to keep it professional on the fly. I caught the director's eye and nodded. I think he got it, or guessed it, because he put the camera on me as I walked over to Eoin, who was still a convulsing heap on the floor. I bent down, pretended to take his pulse, frowned, then reached down to take his face, which he had turned to the floor away from the cameras. He was laughing so hard his face was beet red and wet with tears... I looked down at him with mock concern like some sort of soap opera doctor, when I turned his head to face me, he just erupted in another round of uncontrollable laughter. I dropped his head distractedly and heard it conk off the floor, and his maniacal laughter even as he winced from the impact, I scanned the area around the set and made as if I was peering into the room behind the cameras... I really milked this pantomime as long as I could, stealing glances at the clock on the wall, about a minute forty five in, I bolted upright and yelled to the studio floor “Can I get some Depends here???” Eoin howled hysterically and pulled himself even tighter into a fetal position. All the while I was watching the clock. A minute fifty. Fifty one. Fifty two. Fifty three. I bellowed “STAT!!!” Eoin shrieked and convulsed. I remained serious and mock concerned and mouthed to the camera “Just see the movie”

“.....ANNND we're clear!” The floor director yelled.

The host stormed up to me and said angrily “What the hell was THAT???”

I just smiled calmly and said quietly “Trust me it was way more entertaining than our song”

“You should have told us beforehand! For God's sake, this is live network TV, coast to coast!”

“First.” I said calmly. “How could I tell you? Would this have worked if anyone knew it was coming?” I pointed to poor Eoin who was just now beginning to regain his composure. “Look. He's a good actor, but do you think we would have gotten this....” when I pointed at him he started laughing again and had to turn away “...if he had known? Second. The program is only live in the eastern and central time zones. Do you think the powers that be will cut that from the west coast feed? I'd bet money they won't. In fact I'm sure that by the time the west coast feed airs, your numbers will be through the roof because the net will have had three hours to talk and everyone will be waiting to dvr it. Did I get people talking about our film? I think so. Did I get people talking about our interview? Will people be flocking to watch your west coast feed and the inevitable clips on the network's website? You tell me.”

She grumbled. “You really should have cleared it with us first....”

“Wouldn't have worked.”

She made a face like she was chewing gravel. “I don't know whether you're nuts or brilliant.”

“Does it matter?” I replied blankly. I give great pokerface.

She just twisted her mouth and walked off.

I apologized to Eion, but he took it very good naturedly and admitted that it would definitely not have worked if he remotely suspected what was coming. He said the utter absurdity of the situation and the panic that he lost complete control on live network television made a kind of runaway chain reaction that he just couldn't stop. He knew that no matter what he did in the rest of his life, when they ran his obit on the network news or ET or whatever, the clip of this morning's show would be among the compilation, and he was ok with that.

“Dammit Katherine. You have a knack for making a scene. That near-rape at the restaurant, and this live chaos on network TV....” He chuckled.

“Without the 'Show' it would just be ….business....” I shrugged.

He shook his head and chortled.

Well, as hoped, the clip went viral. It got a lot of play on the evening shows and local news, a few hundred thousand hits on you tube, and it really raised the bar everywhere else we went. A lot of places refused to put us on live insisting on pre-records or 30 second delays. Those were the venues where I mocked the hosts and producers and stations subtly but mercilessly. They seemed to think they were being complimented, but when they watched the playback ...or saw the clip on you tube... they saw how I was utterly ridiculing their timidity and banality. What can I say? I watched a lot of Ricky Gervais as a kid and I learned from the master. The end result was that people were talking about our movie. Actually, they were talking about me, but I took every opportunity to make it about the movie.

Box office was strong. I think it was stronger than many had expected. I was confronted by a passive aggressive morning host who said the meanest things through her perky permasmile. She asked me about the rumors that the movie had really been made because the film studio's corporate parent actually needed a tax write off to counterbalance its exceedingly profitable military weapons division, and that was why they hired Dez who was renowned for his over-budget lavish flops, and brought in me.... legendary in the industry as 'Katherine the Terrible” because I couldn't act my way to land a role in a third grade play at a special needs school, and could have only achieved my celebrity status by my legendary sexual escapades, obviously implying that I slept and or blackmailed my way to the top.

I just smiled and publicly apologized to the film studio and their corporate parent if in fact this local TV station indeed scooped all the national and international press at discovering their true plan for our film and my unwitting role in accidentally making it a box office smash. I offered to make it up to them by volunteering to write and direct – free of charge “A.M. Waukesha – the motion picture” starring the original cast. That should solve their tax dilemma, I smiled sweetly. This was one of those stations that ran us on 30 second delay, but I took so long with the setup that even if they cut the punchline, the joke would write itself. I knew how to get around 30 second delay.

One program I did not have to worry about was SNL. Apparently the film was well on its way to cult status, and our TV appearances and you tube clips were making us ….and particularly Katherine, a hot commodity. And I was approached to host.

I didn't want to steal the limelight and told Dez as much. He just brushed it off and said I always made my appearances good promotion for the movie. So I took a week off the press tour and moved to New York.

It was an intense week. On my first meeting with the writers I made it absolutely clear that nothing was off limits. We played off the 'off her meds' sketch by doing a united states of tara/game of thrones mashup where I played all the feuding royals: Katherine the Terrible, Katherine the Horrible, Katherine the Miserable etc as multiple personalities of the host persona Katherine the Unstable. We did a spoof of our film called The Thornbergs with music numbers like Fiddler on the Roof, we did a sketch about a washed up supermodel placement service where we got people jobs in stores that couldn't afford real mannequins or failing that, we got them leads in Dez Lehmann movies. We did a sketch playing on my size, where I was an alien sent down to infiltrate earth but they got the proportions wrong, so I caused panic everywhere I went. They even did a sketch about filming a bogus Katherine Keller superhero action flick where my superhero identity was 'Cameltoe' but they cut that one, ostensibly for time. I really think we crossed a line with the network censors there, but I wasn't offended by it. I figured facing the rumors head on and lampooning them was the easiest way to dispel them.

It was a great week. And grueling. I asked for, and got a few days off from Dez. The studio was quite happy about the buzz from SNL and was more than willing to give me a few days off from doing Rise 'N Shine Sheboygan or whatever to rest up.

Doctor Dale showed up with more shots, as he did every few weeks. Mikey and Eoin showed up and we hung out and did the town. Mikey wanted to see Broadway and Times Square, which Eoin – as a longtime fixture of New York musical theater - was more than happy to oblige. Eoin suggested that I should show Mikey the fashion district since that was my old haunt. I hid my panic attack, but got Dennis to call in a favor from an old friend of his who worked at Conde Nast to give the tour. Mikey got the grand tour and it didn't seem that awkward since Katherine had alienated everyone she ever worked with and no one wanted anything to do with her, which included entertaining one of her minions.

One evening Eoin, Mikey and I went to a gay club they wanted to hit. This club had a drag show, and wouldn't you know, one of the headliners was a Katherine Keller impersonator - which they already knew and neglected to tell me. They got us seats right near the stage and thought it would be hilarious when I saw this impersonator doing me. Maybe Mikey forgot the irony that I was in fact the ultimate Katherine Keller impersonator.

Well, this impersonator who went by Terri Bella was very good. She did a deliriously over-the-top Katherine Keller, doing bits from the SNL sketches, various You Tube clips and even one of the more flamboyant numbers from Thornbirds. Apparently it was her schtick to lure an audience member onstage to do the duet with her. I nearly badgered Eion who was dressed down in mom jeans and a hoodie to volunteer. Mikey and I both pressured the poor guy. Mikey put his souvenir Yankees cap on Eion and he was pretty schlubby looking. Sure enough, Mikey managed to get the performer's attention and screamed, 'my uncle, my uncle! Do my uncle!' Eoin was genuinely mortified at Mikeys act and I think it was his deep blush that finally got her to pick him. She was camping it up, and he was looking very shy, which I don't think was entirely an act. She started doing a lewd stripping act as she was serenading him, slowly pulling down the zipper of his hoodie, then provocatively peeling down the sleeves, just as she finished her part and handed him the mic, she took off his cap and threw it to Mikey who grinned. She mussed up his hair and got a good look at him just as he stepped into the light and began to sing his part. The crowd erupted in laughter, thinking the volunteer thing was just part of the act and that he was an Eoin Maclure Impersonator. Terri Bella seemed stunned. Was someone messing with her? This guy wasn't even looking at the prompter, he knew the lyrics. She joined him for the duet at the end, then he leaned her over at the finale, swept her into a deep dip and planted a huge one on her. This time, I noticed with amusement, his mouth was wide open.

The crowd went wild, both took a deep stage bow, and she walked him back to his seat stageside, still visibly shaking. As he sat down, she said “Did you already know.... has anybody ever told you that you bear a striking resemblance to Eoin Maclure? “

That was when I chose to look up from my menu and smile at her. “Actually he gets that all the time. Don't you dear?” And Eoin smiled at me and nodded.

I thought she was going to lose bowel control right there on the stage.

I reached out and stuck a fifty in her G string

“You really are amazing.” I beamed. “I haven't had so much fun in, oh, I don't know....” I turned to Eoin.

“...ever?” he volunteered. I nodded vigorously.

“Ever.”

She still just stood there wide eyed.

“Look honey, I know you have to get back to work... but I just wanted to say you are really breathtaking, and amazingly talented. ….If I do say so myself.” I laughed “Thanks for making my night. I've never been more ….flattered.”

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Comments

Isn't the purpose of being a

Isn't the purpose of being a live show is so you can possibly get something 'special' from your guest/s in live time? I agree with Kate, why do live if you can't have fun? And she most definitely had fun, along with all the others there. Well, except for the female co-host apparently. Can't wait to see how the real Katherine tries to explain all this away when she returns, IF she returns.

Such A Lark!

The wit and crazy humor in this series is a delight. Thanks for sharing.

Hahahahaha

Tas's picture

This was amazing. I not stop laughing (despite what I said last chapter about funny looks on the bus).

This totally made my day, thanks Kat :)

-Tas

Few words...

Tanya Allan's picture

...Great... really enjoying it.

Tanya

There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes!

The Fun-bird

Podracer's picture

Has an afterburner lit, don't stand in the way. Is this the life LC needed all his previous existence?
I was going to write "out-Katherining Katherine" but that would mean going the wrong way. Re-inventing, certainly.
Someone must be pondering a film sequel by now, unless they fear this is merely a brain-flash for the unstable diva.

"Reach for the sun."

The Tonight Show live from beautuful downtown Butler !

Even the surrealists had to be LOL over this chapter.

Waukesha? Sheboygan?

Next there will be a tv show from Wauwatosa.

My only worry for our pseudo heroine is will the boy ever come back?

All these medical shots risk him ever returning to a man.

Or is she here to stay?

And what of the original Katherine?

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

all I can say is....

Good questions.

And I hope you like the answers when they're all finally addressed.

I have written about twice as much as I've posted so far.

Including both those issues.

As well as a lot of stuff I hope the reader won't see coming. I know I sure didn't until it just kind of exploded onto the page. :-)

And yes, I love the names of some American cities and towns. They're kind of musical and fun to say. Native American names are some of my favorites.

I only wish I could find a way to work my favorite place into the story.

That would be Lake Chargaugagogmanchaugagogchabunagungamaug in Webster Massachusetts.

But I'll get as close as I can. ;-)

K@

LOL!

erin's picture

Not hyperbole, I really did laugh out loud at this one. :)

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.