Mathew's Secret Desire - Chapter 2

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Mathew’s Secret Desire
Chapter Two

“Are you fucking nuts?!” An agitated, disembodied female voice said.

April looked up at the image of her 20 year old cousin, Samantha on the computer monitor.

April and Samantha talked to each other every week. The two girls were as close as sisters, and April felt she could tell her cousin about Mathew, and what she was doing.

“I beg your pardon?” April said in disbelief.

“I said, are fucking nuts? You’re not qualified to deal with this.” Samantha said. “And besides, you should have told your mother as soon as Mathew told you.”

April stood up and walked over to her book shelve, and retrieved a book. She then sat back down and held the book up to the web camera so Samantha could see.

“I got this out of mom’s home office.” April said. “It deals with transgender kids, so I don’t have to bother mom about it.”
Samantha let out a frustrated sigh and shook her head.

“That’s not the point April.” Samantha said. “You’re only12 years old, and not a trained therapist. Your mother is! So you can’t possibly know how to deal with Mathew.”

“Well I think you’re wrong.” April said starting to get annoyed at her cousin. “I think I am helping him, and I’m going to continue.”
Samantha sat back in her chair and stared at April for a moment in disbelief. Out of all the relatives she has known, Samantha had always felt April was on the same intelligent level as her, but now she wasn’t so sure.

“You are nuts!”

“I’m not!” April said. “I care about Mathew, and I truly feel I can help him.”

“Well I still feel you should tell your mother.” Samantha said after a moment.

“I can’t do that!” April said raising her voice. “Mathew told me in confidence. And besides, I promised I wouldn’t tell.”

“But telling me is ok.” Samantha said. “Some Therapist you are.”

“What’s that supposed to mean!? April asked angrily. Samantha leaned closer to the web camera so her face filled the video window and said in a somewhat smug tone of voice.

“Well, if Mathew told you in confidence, and you promised you wouldn’t tell anyone. Then by telling me, you just broke the Doctor/Patient confidentiality rule.”

“But that would only apply, if I was an actual Doctor.” April replied, not realizing, Samantha had tripped her up by poking a hole in her logic.

“Exactly!” Samantha exclaimed triumphantly. “You are not a Doctor. Therefore, if you won’t tell your mother, I will.”

For a moment, April felt a wave of fear then anger, wash over her. Fear that Samantha would tell her mother, than anger at having been tripped up by her own cousin.

The smug face of Samantha stared back at her from the computer monitor and for a brief moment, she contemplated just ending the conversation right then and there. But then, April let a smile tug at the corners of her mouth, as she also leaned forward in her chair, and in a calm but stern voice said.

“You wouldn’t dare!?”

“Try me!” Samantha replied in the same tone of voice, but wondering why April wasn’t showing any signs of being worried or scared.
“Go for it.” She said calmly.

Samantha opened her mouth to speak, but April jumped in before she could say a word.

“But if you do, I’ll tell your mother, I caught you and Rebecca Wilson, smoking marijuana and making out behind the garden shed last summer.”

Now it was Samantha’s turn to feel both fear and anger. The smug and triumphant feeling she had thought she had for tripping up April, quickly vanished from her face.

“You wouldn’t dare!?” Samantha hissed angrily at April. “You promised not to tell!”

“You tell on me; then I tell on you.” April said matter-of-factly

Samantha glared at the image of her cousin on the monitor. She was so angry at April at that moment, that had they been in the same room instead of images on each other’s computer monitors, Samantha probably would have hit her.

“Fine, you got me.” Samantha said in a defeated tone of voice. “I won’t tell your mother.”

“Thank you Samantha.” April said smiling.

“You’re welcome.”

Samantha sighed then said. “Well, if you insist on doing this...I guess I can’t stop you. But I still think you should tell your mom.”

“I will.” April said. “If I can’t handle it, I will. I promise.”

Samantha smiled then signed off. April turned off her computer and stood and went over to her bed, with the book.

Mathew lay on his bed with his face buried in his pillow. A flood of questions filled his mind. ‘Why did Janice and his mother tease him about acting like a girl sometimes? Why did April, the only person he shared his secret with, have to be so understanding? Why did he have this desire to want to wear girl’s clothes, and be treated like a girl? Why why why?’

Of course, being only eleven years old, he had no answers. But if he did, he still wouldn’t know what he should do. April had tried to help, but she freely admitted she wasn’t the right person he should be talking to.

After a few moments, Mathew calmed down and realized he had been a jerk to his mother. Getting off his bed, he went downstairs and found his mother in her home office.

“Mom” He said in a soft voice.

Sara looked up from the paper she was reading and looked at Mathew, then motioned for him to enter the room, which he did.
Mathew stood in front of his mother with his head lowered. Sara leaned back in her chair and regarded her son for a moment before speaking.

“I’m disappointed in you, Mathew.” She said firmly. “However, I realize I may have under estimated your reaction.”

Mathew looked up.

“But that still does not excuse your behaviour.” Mathew lowered his head again.

“That said; your punishment will be the forfeiture of your birthday party.”

Mathew’s head shot up and he looked at his mother shocked.

“But…” He started as his mother’s hand shot up to silence him.

“Not one word!” Sara said. “My decision is final.”

Mathew lowered his head.

“Yes mame.” He said defeated. He turned to leave, but his mother stopped him.

“We’re not done young man.” Sara said. “Don’t you have anything to say?”

Mathew was silent for a second or so, and then with tears in his eyes, he looked up at his mother.

“I’m sorry for the way I acted.” He said between sobs. “There was no excuse for my outburst. And I am very very sorry. Please don’t cancel my Birthday party!”

Sara regarded Mathew. She hated having to play the ‘bad’ Parent, but that was the job of being a parent, you sometimes have to play the bad guy. After a second, she stood up and walked around to stand in front of him. Sara lifted Mathew’s chin up till he was looking at her.

“Apology accepted. But your party is still canceled.” She said as she took a folded slip of paper out of the front pocket of her dress, and handed it to Mathew.

“Now I want you to go to Hilroy’s and pick this up for me.”

Mathew sniffled and gingerly took the offered slip of paper.

“Give the paper to Mrs. Norton, and when she gives you the package, I want you to come straight home. Ok?”

Mathew sniffled and said. “Ok”

Sara gave a brief smile then took a tissue from the tissue box on her desk and handed it to Mathew.

“Blow your nose and clean your face before you go.”

Mathew nodded then left the room.

Mathew stopped his bike in front of Hilroy’s clothing store and locked it to the bike stand out front. The store was empty when he entered, and he didn’t have trouble finding Mrs. Norton, who just happened to be in the hosiery section.

Mrs. Karen Norton, 57 year old co-owner of Hilroy’s Family Clothing Store, knelt in the girl’s hosiery section putting some packages on the display shelves. She glanced up when she sensed Mathew standing next to her. She smiled and stood up.

“Mathew. What brings you here; we’re closing in ten minutes.”

Mathew smiled at Mrs. Norton and reached into the pocket of his shorts and pulled out the piece of paper his mother had given him.

“Mom said to give this to you.”

Mrs. Norton took the paper and read it.

“It’s in the store room.” Mrs. Norton said. “Wait here and I’ll get it for you.”

“Ok.” Mathew said as he watched Mrs. Norton walk to the back of the store and disappear.

As soon as Mrs. Norton disappeared from view, Mathew’s gaze immediately turned to the rows of pantyhose and tights, laid out before him.

Looking at the various styles and colours, Mathew felt his heart start to beat faster in his chest. At the same time his mind started to play tricks on him, which caused his anxiety level to rise as well.

Without even thinking, Mathew suddenly grabbed a package of pantyhose off the display shelve, and darted into the change room behind him.

Inside, he ripped open the package and removed the pantyhose. His hands trembled as he held them up in front of him.

The pair he grabbed were beige in colour and sheer from the waist down to the toe, meaning there wasn’t really a ‘panty’ portion to them.

‘You realize that’s stealing?’ A voice inside his head said.

Mathew lowered the hose and looked at his reflection in the dressing room mirror. The image before him wasn’t like in his dreams. He wasn’t wearing a dress; he wasn’t watching himself enjoying life as a girl. The reflection in the mirror just showed him in his regular boy clothes, holding a pair of girl’s pantyhose.

“What?” He said to his reflection.

‘I said, you know that’s stealing?’

“Of course I know.” He said.

‘Then why did you do it?’ His refection asked.

He looked down at the pantyhose in his hands, then back up to his reflection in the mirror.

“I don’t know. Something just came over me and I grabbed them.”

‘Could it be your finally listening to your true self, and accepting the fact you’re really a girl?’

“What? No!” Mathew said annoyed.

‘Then why did you just take a pair of pantyhose from the rack and rip open the package if you weren’t listening to yourself?’

Mathew looked back down at the pantyhose in his hands, and didn’t know what to say. The ‘girl’ him from his dreams and now his reflection, were both telling him the same thing. ‘He was a girl!’

‘Well. What are you going to do?’ His reflection said. ‘Are you going to put the pantyhose on, or just stare at them?’

Mathew looked at his reflection confused.

“What?” Was all he could say.

His reflection just rolled his eyes, and sighed heavily. The exact same way April does, when she gets frustrated with him.

‘Just put the pantyhose on and get it over with!’ His reflection said frustrated

“What about Mrs. Norton? She’ll be back any second.”

‘Don’t worry about her.’ His reflection said. ‘You have plenty of time. Now put those pantyhose on!’

Mathew put the pantyhose down on the little bench and sat down himself. Quickly he took his shoes and socks off. Then standing, he undid the front of his shorts and them off.

Sitting back down he took the pantyhose and began to bunch up one leg. When he was done he raised his right foot and stuck it into the leg opening, and pulled it up to his knee. He then did the same thing to the other leg.

‘I see you know how to put on pantyhose.’ His reflection said,

“It’s just like putting on socks.” He said pulling them up the rest of the way and smoothing them out, just like any girl would do.

‘Maybe so.’ His reflection said. ‘But you don’t smooth put or straighten socks now do you?’

Mathew looked at his reflection wearing the pantyhose, then down at himself. The Pantyhose covered his legs like and glove, and they did feel nice.

‘Well? How do they look?’

“They look nice.” He said slowly and softly.

‘Well I say we’re meant to wear them.’ His reflection said. ‘Now do you see and understand, what the girl us has been telling you. You. Are. A. Girl!’

Mathew was about to speak when a noise came from the back of the store. In a panic, Mathew quickly put his shorts and shoes back on, and stepped out of the dressing room, just as Mrs. Norton walked out of the store room.

Mrs. Norton came out of the store room and knew that something was up, when she saw Mathew. Besides the panicked look on his face, his t-shirt was half tucked into the waist band of his shorts, his shoes were untied and appeared to be on the wrong feet, no socks, and his legs looked a slightly darker shade, than they had been when he first came in.

“Here you go sweetie. “ She said smiling, holding the package out for him. Mathew reached out with trembling hands and took hold of the package.

“Th-Thank you, Mrs. N-Norton.” He stammered.

Mrs. Norton glanced down at his legs and saw the reason his legs looked darker.

‘Is he wearing pantyhose?’ She asked herself. ‘Why is that?’

Mrs. Norton quickly looked Mathew over then said.

“Tell your mother, I’ll send her the bill next week, ok?”

Mathew felt his mouth go dry as he drew the package closer to him.

“O-Ok.” He said slowly backing away. He then turned and practically ran out the store.

Mrs. Norton watched from the store front, as Mathew quickly put the package on the back of his bike; unlock his bike, and ride off.
When his was out of sight, she turned and went back to the dressing room area, and found the torn pantyhose package and his socks lying on the floor.

“Now why on Earth would he take a pair of pantyhose and put them on?” She said aloud to herself.

She bent down and picked up the discarded items and looked at closely as if they held the answers.

“Did he do it as a prank, or as a way to get attention?”

She walked back to the front of the store, and the main counter, where she proceeded to get a small store bag from under the counter. She then put the socks and pantyhose package in the bag, then taking a post-it note, she wrote Mathew’s name on it. She stared at the bag for a moment, then placed it under the counter out of sight, then went back to stocking the hosiery section.

Mathew peddled his bike faster than he had ever done before. In no time, he had gone from the department store to the play ground near his house in what seemed like seconds, rather than minutes. Quickly coming to a stop at the swing set, he got off his bike, and sat down on one of the swings.

Mathew balled up his hands and started banging his forehead with the heels of his fists, as a torrent of emotions crashed over him.
First he felt relief that Mrs. Norton didn’t notice that he ‘stole’ and put on a pair of girls pantyhose.

Secondly, he felt angry with himself for having done something like that, and talking himself into doing it in the first place.
Thirdly, he felt embarrassed at having been ‘caught’ by Mrs. Norton, even though he knew she had noticed he was wearing the pantyhose.

And lastly, he felt scared. Scared that Mrs. Norton might be at this very moment, on the phone, telling his mother.

‘Why!?’ The small section of his brain, that held onto his boy self, screamed. ‘Why are you doing this to me!?’

The rest of his brain remained silent.

“Mathew-san?” A voice said suddenly.

Mathew looked up to see two of his friends, Edward Sherman and Hinata Sekozawa, looking down at him.

“I thought it was you.” Hinata said bowing.

“Hey Matt.” Ed said.

Hinata and Ed, were the other two ‘best friends’ of Mathew’s life.

Hinata was Japanese. Even though he was born and raised in Canada, his parents were traditional Japanese. Meaning Hinata was traditional Japanese as well. He was polite, didn’t swear, and addressed his friends and Elders, in the proper manner and with the proper respect. He even wore a Japanese sailor style uniform to school; even though the school didn’t require, or have a uniform code. Their house was decorated inside like any Japanese house would be in Japan. At home they wore traditional Japanese clothing. The only thing that was untraditional about him, was at the start of the last school year, he announced to the whole class that, at twelve years of age, he was gay.

That announcement was all over the school by lunchtime, and didn’t make the rest of the day any easier. Not for Hinata at least. Anyone who tried to pick a fight with him, soon found out that he could defend himself with ease.

Edward on the other hand, was a different story. He lived with his Aunt since he was three. His parents were both in Federal Prison, serving life sentences for murder and drug possession.

He didn’t realize he was ‘different’, until one day when he was five. He had been playing in the front yard of his Aunt’s house, when a stranger walked up to him. The stranger said he had lost his dog, and asked if Ed would help him look for it. Being only five at the time and not having been told to never talk to strangers, Ed agreed. What happened next, changed Ed’s life forever.

The stranger led Ed to his car, and together they drove off. They drove to the deserted industrial part of town, where the stranger proceeded to molest Ed. The stranger didn’t get very far raping Ed however, for unbeknownst to the stranger and Ed, a neighbour had seen what had happened and called the police.

However the ‘damage’ had been done, by the time the police arrived. It wasn’t until almost five months later, that Ed confessed to his Aunt, that he felt different.

When she pressed him about it, Ed said he wanted to do what the stranger had done to him, with other boys. Concerned Ed would grow up to be a child molester, his Aunt sent him to a psychologist. After a year, the psychologist assured Ed’s Aunt, that Ed wouldn’t grow up to be another child molester, but that Ed was gay.

Mathew quickly glanced at both Hinata and Ed.

“Oh, it’s you two.” He said trying to keep his voice normal. ”What are you doing here?”

Hinata spoke.

“I was over at Edward’s house inviting him to dinner.”

“Aunt Gail was called to work late.” Ed said.

“If I may ask?” Hinata said noticing the anguished look on Mathew’s face. “Why were you hitting yourself on your head?”

“I don’t know.” He said. “Feeling sorry for myself.”

“Ah yes, your Birthday being canceled. I was most saddened to hear about that. But that does not explain why you were hitting yourself.”

“I just was alright!” Mathew said irritated. Hinata regarded him for a moment before speaking.

“Very well then.”

“What’s in the package, Matt?” Ed asked starting to move towards Mathew’s bike. Mathew noticed and quickly got off the swing and stood next to his bike.

“Keep away from that!” He snapped. “It’s for my cousin if you must now!”

Both Edward and Hinata were taken aback by Mathew’s sudden change in behaviour.

“I was just asking.” Edward said incredulously “Sheesh, you don’t have to bite my head off!”

“Look! Just leave me alone alright!”

Hinata was about to speak when a female voice suddenly interrupted him.

“Mathew!”

They all looked off in the direction of the voice, and saw April riding her bike towards them. She came to a stop next to Mathew’s bike, but didn’t dismount from hers.

“There you are!” She said with a slight annoyed lilt in her voice. “Your mom said you were on your way back from Hilroy’s. I waited for ten minutes, but when you hadn’t returned, I went looking for you!”

She then ‘noticed’ Hinata and Edward standing in front of Mathew. She gave them both a quick once over then said with the still annoyed lilt in her voice.

“Hello Hinata, Edward.”

“Good afternoon, April.” Hinata said bowing. Edward just half assed smiled and said hi. April nodded her acknowledgment of their greetings.

“If you two don’t mind. I’d like to talk to Mathew please” She said, then added. “Alone!”

“As you wish.” Hinata said bowing again.

Mathew watched both Hinata and Ed walk away, then looked at April with an annoyed look on his face.

“You didn’t have to be rude them!” Mathew said not picking up on the irony of his statement. “They’re your friends to!”

“Oh really! I suppose you were as polite to them as I am to you right now?”

Mathew looked at April confused.

“I heard you snapping at Edward as I rode up.” She said. “So who’s being rude now!?”

Hearing that, all the fight went out of Mathew, and he went and sat down on the swing again. April got off her bike and placed it next to Mathew’s, she went and stood in front of him with her hands on her hips.

“What do you want?” He said half-heartedly.

“I went to your house to see if you wanted to go swimming tomorrow.” She said. “But you mother said she sent you to get a package from Hilroy’s. So I waited for like ten minutes, but when you hadn’t showed up, I went looking for you.”

“Well you found me.” He said sarcastically.

April ignored Mathew’s remark. She just looked down at him with a firm look on her face. Mathew looked at her, and felt as if her gaze was burning into his soul.

“Well, what kept you?” She asked.

“I had to wait for Mrs. Norton to get the package.” Mathew said pointing to the mesh basket on the front of his bike.

April glanced at Mathew’s bike. When she turned back she suddenly noticed something different about his legs.

“Are you, are those pantyhose your wearing!?” She said in amazement.

“Shut-up!” Mathew replied angrily, standing up.

“They are. You’re wearing pantyhose!” She said smiling.

Mathew tried to get to his bike, but April blocked his path.

“What made you decide to get a pair of Pantyhose?”

“I didn’t exactly decide to get them.” Mathew confessed. “I was waiting while Mrs. Norton went to get the package, and I saw the display, so I grabbed a pair and ducked into one of the dressing rooms.”

“I was only going to look at them, but next thing I knew I ripped open the package and put them on. Then I heard Mrs. Norton returning, so I put my shorts back on and left when she gave me the package for Megan.”

April’s face went from being happy to angry as she listened to Mathew speak.

“Then you found me hear.” He concluded.

“Let me get this straight? You took a pair of pantyhose off the rack, opened them, and put them on, and left without paying?!”
Mathew nodded.

“That’s stealing, Mathew!” April said exasperated.

“Don’t you think I know that?” Mathew replied angrily, tears starting to well up in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to do it. I saw my reflection in the mirror, and it told me to put them on.”

“Whoa, wait a minute.” April suddenly said throwing her hands up.

Mathew looked at her.

“Your reflection in the mirror told you to put the pantyhose on?” She said suddenly being sympathetic.

“It wasn’t the ‘girl’ you from your dreams?”

“No.” Mathew said slowly shaking his head. “It was my reflection in the mirror.”

April regarded Mathew for a moment, then looked around and decided the playground was not the place to confront Mathew about this development. She was pleased to learn about this development, and glad he was okay. But she was still angry with him for making her have to go looking for him. She decided to discuss this with him later.

“Go over to the washroom and wipe your face off, then let’s go!” She said. “Your mother is waiting.”

Mathew sniffled, then stood up. Getting his bike he and April walk over to the public washrooms, and April waited outside while Mathew wiped his face. Then the two of them got back on their bikes and rode home.

Mathew and April rode their bikes up the street towards Mathew’s house. As they got closer, they could see Mathew’s mother standing on the front porch, watching them.

“My mom’s watching us.” He said nervously. “What if she sees the pantyhose?”

“Don’t worry about it.” April said. “She won’t notice.”

The two turned into the drive way and into the garage, all the time under the eyes of Mathew’s mother. They parked their bikes and Mathew took the package out of the front basket and walked into the house.

“Well it’s about time!” Sara said to the two, but addressed the statement more towards Mathew.

Mathew handed the package to his mother.

“I sent you for that forty-five minutes ago. What took so long?

“It’s my fault Mrs. Stevens.” April said before Mathew could speak.

Sara looked at April startled and confused.

“Your fault, April?”

“Yes. I knew you wanted Mathew to come right home. But I met him by the playground on his way back, and insisted we play on the swings.”

Sara looked at both children, then spoke to April.

“Alright then, just don’t let it happen again.”

“I won’t.” April said, then to Mathew. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” With that, April turned and left.

Sara looked at the package for a moment, then at Mathew. It was then that she noticed his socks were missing, and his legs looked slightly darker than usual. Mathew for his part, was unaware that his mother had noticed the pantyhose he was wearing. He was still watching April.

‘Are those girls’ pantyhose, he’s wearing?’ She asked herself as Mathew turned back to face her.

“You can go play.” She said.

“Okay.” He said and turned and walked away. In doing so, the light from inside the house reflected off the pantyhose, which confirmed Sara’s suspicion.

‘He is wearing girl’s pantyhose.’ She whispered to herself. ‘Why on earth is he wearing them?

Mathew entered is room and closed the door. He threw himself onto his bed and began pounding his fists into the mattress as he screamed into his pillows.

He felt like he was going insane. Almost every night, the ‘girl’ him invaded his dreams and kept telling him he was a girl, and that he should accept it. ‘Follow your heart.’ She kept saying. He kept tell in ‘her’ he wasn’t a girl, but ‘she’ wouldn’t let up. Now the mirror reflection of himself was telling him the same thing.

Mathew screamed into his pillows again, then rolled over on his back and stared up at the ceiling.

“I’m not a girl!” He said. “Am a boy and I will always be a boy!”

He looked down at his legs, and for a fleeting moment, had to admit, they did look good encased in the nylon material. But as quickly as he had the thought, he equally as quickly, pushed it out of his mind. Standing, Mathew kicked off his shoes, and removed his shorts. He then took off the pantyhose and stuffed them under his pillow. Mathew then put his shorts back on and went downstairs.

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Comments

i like this alot

wonder where matthew will go from here. Samantha should still tel his mother as this is a lot more important than what ever she and her friend did together. But things seem to be set now and april will counsel matthew at 12 years old. maybe she can do it, she seems intelligent I guess its possible. At least for a while.
But matthew seems to be taking alot of risks now, taking pantyhose from a store and riding home in them. Wow. Very interesting developments.

A true friend

April seems to want to help Mathew. If she really wants to help she needs to listen to her cousin and tell her mom. As well Mathew should tell his mom how he feels even though she and his sister can see it.

Wolf_0.jpg

I know it is all too common

I know it is all too common and also considered a 'pact' by both girls and boys to tell someone a big secret and then swear them to secrecy; girls by the code of the 'pinky swear' and boys by what ever code they use or follow. Sadly and much too often that code and swearing of secrecy has a way too nasty habit of coming back and biting them in the proverbial butt. Serious issues can occur that must be by their very nature override the code. This is especially true if the issue or matter concerns another person's life or well being. I have had others ask me to not tell another what they were going to tell me about something, and I would respond that I would hold their secret in confidence IF a) it did not or would not cause another harm, b) it did not or would not cause them harm, c) it was not hiding something that was unlawful or illegal, d) it was a violation of trust placed in them or upon them by others. Without these rules to guide a person, you are 'playing with fire' at that moment that can get way out of hand later.
I feel Samantha is absolutely correct in what she has told April, and April should take that to heart, because she only thinks she knows how to deal with the issue and it could lead to harm of or to Mathew.
Janice Lynn

Denial

Podracer's picture

And fear together, really tearing him apart aren't they?
Something seems to be written right; I'm feeling for the character.

"Reach for the sun."

Just a nit pick

Jezzi Stewart's picture

** Mrs. Norton watched from the store front, as Mathew quickly put the package on the back of his bike; unlock his bike, and ride off. ... “I had to wait for Mrs. Norton to get the package.” Mathew said pointing to the mesh basket on the front of his bike.

I'm enjoying the story - good descriptions of the internal conflict.

BE a lady!