Being Me

By Karin Roberts

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery & Home

Cruise Diary – Day 8 - 10

This was getting a bit of a habit I thought as I awoke the next morning with a fuzzy head. If I’m not careful I’m going to turn into some sort of lush like Avril. I slipped out of bed and ran myself a glass of water before sliding back under the covers.

Just what had gone on in my head last night ?

I could square up the first part it was getting back at Avril, taking Raul away from her had been my motive and it had worked, even if the means had been a bit extreme. The second part however out on the deck was what I was still trying to square in my mind. It had been spontaneous yes but I had so enjoyed it the feeling of me being in a males arms, his strength his smell it had all taken over my inner self, for those couple of minutes I was female it was what I wanted and more. Was that what I wanted to change gender or was it just a culmination of being Tracey for a nearly a week since I had set foot on the ship. I sipped the water and thought about it no doubt Mom would have more to say about it but that was for another time today might be my last day as Tracey so downing the last of my water I climbed out of bed and started to get dressed.

I’d skipped exercise for the last couple of days so I thought it was time to get back on course so I headed out of the cabin and up to the gym. I knew Mhari would not be there but a little session on my own would do no harm to clear my head and make up for my excesses over the last few days. Missing out on the weights I did some laps around the small track keeping it at a steady pace in case the contents of my stomach were tempted to empty themselves on the deck. Having done around 30 laps and with a couple of others appearing I decided to call it a day and head back to the cabin. I took a shower to freshen up and got dressed.

I pulled out a pale blue sundress I had not worn yet and put it on wrapping a wide white leather belt round it. I sat at the mirror and put on some light make-up, some powder blue eye-shadow and a light pink lipstick with a coating of mascara for my lashes made me presentable for the day. Taking out some nail polish remover I removed last night’s dark polish a flash back in my mind remembering the sight of my nails wrapped round Raul’s cock as I had blown him in the toilet. Once my nails were dry I put on a clear polish on them and waited for them to dry.

Once they were dry I grabbed my cigarettes and lighter and left the cabin for some breakfast. I thought about knocking on Mom and Avril’s door but decided against it as that lecture was something that could wait for later. I stopped in a smoking area for a cigarette the ship was under full steam and on its way to Lisbon and our departure point. Tonight was my last night on board, we would dock in Lisbon tomorrow and then we would pick up a late evening flight which would take me back to the reality of home and normality if I could ever be that way again. I sucked in the menthol vapours as I looked across the clear open water a coastline just visible in the distance as we sped towards the end of Tracey !
I had a serious appetite when I got to one of the breakfast bars, I had resisted the temptation but today was too much and I selected a full English breakfast with some toast and tea. Finding myself a quite spot I set about filing up my calorie content for the day unaware of just how the day would turn out.

Once breakfast was over I decided to do a spot of on-board shopping. It had suddenly struck me as I ate breakfast that I had not yet bought anything for Dad. I mean what sort of son or in this case daughter goes on holiday and does not come back with some sort of gift. I made my way down to the small shopping mall where they had some gift shops.

There’s not much you can buy on a ship especially when you are trying to buy for someone who has just become a national hero and has his face plastered over most news broadcasts just now. I wondered what the national press would have made of it all if they knew about me walking about a Cruise with fake boobs and plastered in make up add to that the lesbian wife in the cabin below and we are heading towards having enough material to fill our very own Jeremy Kyle or Jerry Springer show! Being serious about it though what would life be like when we got back home the press attention would certainly still be topical maybe for a while yet so we all had to rein back in our lives a bit to fit the situation. Probably another reason why a dark cloud was forming above me as it looked as if Tracey would be going back in her little box for quite a while.

Eventually having spent about nearly an hour walking around the limited shops there was I settled on a set of cute cuff links for Dad. Not mega expensive but practical as he attended quite a few functions both with Mom and on his own and while maybe not everyone’s cup of tea he was a frequent wearer of cuff links. Purchase paid for and with it gift wrapped I headed back to the cabin to leave it there before my next visit to check on Mhari.

I’d only been back in the cabin a few minutes when there was a knock at the door.

“Who is it” I called out.

“It’s Mom let me in”

Opening the door she stepped inside a white sports holdall in her hands and a plastic bag with what looked like a number of bottles in it. She walked in dropping the holdall on the floor and the plastic bag on the bed before sitting down.

“So have you enjoyed your time as Tracey” she asked.

I blushed a little in front of her even although it had been a week since all this had begun we had never really spoke about it. She had accepted me as her daughter from day one really and despite the odd dig from Avril which was to be expected we had not really discussed it.

“Yes” I said wondering what was about to happen.

“Well I’m afraid it’s time to put an end to it”

I looked at her “But Mom we still have a whole day left on the ship and I need to go and see Mhari before I leave” I protested.

“Sorry Michael” it was the first time she had used my real name that week so I knew she was serious in what she was saying.

“We need to get you back looking like yourself, we get of the ship early tomorrow and although we have some time in Lisbon before our flight, you need to get off as Michael, you must have realised that your passport silly shows you as Michael”

“Can’t I just have a few more hours” I asked.

“Sorry Michael there’s too much to do, now get in the shower.”

I wondered if this was some sort of punishment for last night with Raul, “Is this because of last night I asked” hesitantly.

“No I told you it’s time to change back, but now you are on the subject what was that all about last night, fuck, you were nearly half way down his throat” I blushed.

“I mean what if he had taken it further, what if I hadn’t come out when I did, you could have been beaten up, hurt maybe, how stupid was it.”

“I know I’m sorry” I said.

“Well let’s forget about it but we need to start and get you back to Michael so get in the shower” she picked up the holdall and opened it pulling out a pair of fresh men’s underpants she handed them and a pair of shorts to me.

“Now get washed and put these on when you’re finished.”

I took the clothes from her and walked into the shower Tracey was about to be over.

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Twenty minutes later I emerged from the shower it seemed so strange walking out in men’s underpants and shorts but still with my fake boobs attached.

“Ok sit down at the mirror and I’ll re-cut your hair back into style.”

I sat down looking in the mirror all make up gone, I watched Mom go to work with scissors trimming and cutting my hair back into something like Michael had when I boarded. Sure my hair would be shorter but as Mom explained as she worked we could explain that as me needing my hair cut due to the heat.

She worked on as I still seethed a bit over not being allowed just a little more time. I was still sure it had something to do with last night. I wondered what she would have thought had she found maybe a black Portuguese pubic hair stuck between my teeth from last night’s bathroom adventure, and anyway even if she did she was still being a hypocrite as I was pretty sure I mind find a couple of Avril’s stuck in her teeth. Soon she was happy with my hair and left it to dry as I looked back in the mirror I had a heavy heart, Michael was starting to re-appear.

Next Mom produced a bottle from her bag, “This is adhesive remover it will get the fake breasts off”

She opened it and put some on a cloth working at the seams gradually she started to loosen them from my skin, the liquid numbed my skin a bit and gradually they started to become lose, every now and again lessening them would pinch my skin producing a little ouch from me as she worked them free. Around 15 minutes later they too were gone but behind they had left two rather noticeable white circles where no sunlight had penetrated.

“So what do we do now” I said pointing towards the white skin.

“It’s ok, I have that covered, stand up she said.

She opened her bag and brought out a tube like container.

“What’s that” I asked.

“It’s fake tan, it’s not going to completely make all your chest look the same so when we get home no going topless for a bit, but by the time your tan fades then everything will be back to normal, I’ll show you how to apply it and then when you need maybe to top it up then you can just do it yourself.”

She began to rub it all over my chest leaving it slightly more prominent over the two white circles while a little less so on the already tanned areas. It looked really dark which worried me a bit.

“Is it not too dark” I asked.

“Don’t worry it looks that way when it goes on but by the morning it will have lightened” she said as she started work on my back. Soon all my upper boy had been covered as she washed her hands and put the tube of tanning lotion in my drawer.

She looked over at the clock it was nearly one o’clock,

“Do you fancy some lunch” she asked.

“Ok”

“Well you stay here while that dries on your skin and I will pop out and get us a bite to eat.”

Grabbing her purse she left the room and me alone, looking in the mirror Michael was nearly back and suddenly he had a tear in his eye.

Mom returned with a couple of packs of sandwiches and some drinks for us.

She looked over her work as I sat on the bed bare chested. “You can still see the ring’s a little she” she said “It will be ok though just keep a shirt on for the next few weeks and it will return to normal.”

We ate in silence, I was still peeved at being robbed as I thought of it as my last day as Tracey, still thinking in my mind that it was a punishment for last night.

“You should be dry by now” Mom said picking up the holdall she pulled out a tee-shirt and handed it to me. I pulled it over my head. I stood up and cast a glance in the mirror, no bulge in the chest area, no skirt flowing, no hair styled the way it had been and no make-up, Michael was well and truly back.

“Right now that’s done I’ll give you a hand packing” Mom said dropping the packaging of her launch in the bin she retrieved the case from the closet and dropped it on the bed. Together we began to empty the closet packing away the clothes I had worn over the last week each item a memory in my mind and a couple even that had not had a memory as there were items I had not worn yet.

It was getting close to 3 o’clock as the zips were closed on the case as we did one last check of all the drawers to see nothing was left behind before the lock on Tracey’s life was finally closed.

“Ok, now I’ve left you a couple of fresh shirts in the holdall for tomorrow, there is some underwear and socks as well and another pair of trainers. There are some toiletries as well just to get you through the morning. The boat docks at 8 and we need to be off by 10 so once we get off we can grab a late breakfast and then head over to the hotel, ok.”

Suddenly I felt like a caged bird, this was to be my prison for about the next 20hrs.

“Mom look I need to say goodbye to Mhari” I said a slight quiver in my voice.

“Michael but you can’t I mean, look at you” she gestured towards me with her hand.

“Mom it will be ok, she, she knows.” I finally blurted out.

She looked at me in an odd way and then went on “She knows”

I nodded, “She worked it out a couple of days ago she saw the three of us get on the ship before I changed” I said looking at the floor of the cabin.

“And she’s ok with it”

“Yeah she’s fine, look she’s been great about it and a true friend on board I can’t just get off and ignore her”

She waited paused for a second.

“Look Ok I’ll tell you what I will go up and see her, if she wants to come down then so be it she can come here and see you, ok?”

“Thanks” I said.

“Ok well I’ll go and see her now, I was going to order you some dinner for the cabin anyway so if she wants I’ll order for two and you can have something in here.”

I nodded again as she stepped over and put a kiss on the top of my head, “Ok then sleep well and I’ll see you in the morning” she said as she pulled the cabin door open and stepped outside.

I picked up the remote control and switched on the TV; if this was it then it was time to get used to my prison.

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

Time passed slowly I’ve no idea how many times I had glanced at the clock. I had even defied Mom’s orders a bit and sneaked outside for a cigarette from a pack I had planted in the holdall while she was not looking. The thing was it was different no one had really cast a glance at the boy smoking a cigarette on deck, not the same way that Tracey had gotten the odd glance from a passing gentleman.

It was getting close to 8pm as there was a knock at the door.

I got up “Yeah who is it” I said from behind the door.

“It’s me Mhari” the reply came.

I opened the door to see her standing there her crutch in hand as she hobbled inside.

“Ok let’s have a look then” she said imitating a twirl with her hand.

I stood in front of her slowly turning as I did so.

“Not too bad as a male, but as I said not really my type” she said resting her crutch against the wall she sat down on the bed.

“You ok” I asked.

“Well I’ll not be doing much for the rest of the holiday but the swelling has gone down a bit” she said looking at her strapped up knee. The couple of grazes on her arms had begun to heal so she was well on the way to recovery.

“Dinners on its way” she said.

“Mom came to see you then”

“This afternoon, she explained about everything and that you had asked to see me and I could come down, so what else was I going to do, I mean after all it would just have been another night sitting in the cabin all alone” she said before playfully slapping my arm.

Another knock at the door, “Looks like dinner has arrived, I’m famished” she said as I got up and crossed to the door to collect our meal.

We ate dinner just chatting as two friends would until.

“Ok then what has Tracey been up to for the last couple of days seen anymore of Chris/” she asked as she put her knife and fork on her cleared plate and wiped her lips with a napkin.

I stopped just as I was about to put the last piece of food in my mouth.

“Well it’s been strange without you and it’s been, it’s been” I looked away, two tears appeared on my cheek.

“Hey what is it?” she asked her hand squeezing my arm. “Is it going back to Michael?” she asked.

There was a pause a few minutes silence as she watched me, finally the dam broke and I told her everything. About coming home Saturday finding Mom and Avril the shopping trip Sunday then last night, Raul the toilet, outside the whole lot poured out of me before I came to a shuddering stop.

There was a pause as she took it all in.

“Wow girl I mean boy, you don’t half pack it in, I mean I leave you for less than two days and all this goes on.”

I sniffed a little having got over my little emotional break down.

“I know but what do I do now?” I asked.

“About what?”

“Well all of it” I said.

“Ok let’s deal with the Raul thing first, you’ve said it you felt like a woman more than ever you responded like a woman would do, does that make you one, well no, but do you want to be one well that’s a totally different question. You’re the only one who can answer that, I mean you have been put in a totally unique position it’s probably something you have dreamed about for years am I right?”

I nodded.

“Well the choice you have now is what do you want to do with it, do you want it to be a memory you will live with forever, or is it a beginning that will change your life, as I said you are the only one who knows the real answer to that, whatever you decide though you need to commit to it, I mean Tracey has really been let out the box on the ship can you really put her away again?”

“I don’t know” I said looking across the cabin.

“With regards to your Mom and Avril well I wish you had given me a call” she said jokingly.

“Heh you that’s my Mom your taking about.”

“Sorry but I did say Avril was hot and I would not have turned her down.”

“You can have her if you want” I said with a bit on venom.

“Here’s the thing, do you think your Dad knows?”

I shook my head.

“Ok well the way I see it you have two choices, you either ignore it” I went to speak she gestured for me to stop. “Or you tell and blow open a huge can of worms, I mean you told me a Avril is the vindictive type, so you go home tell Dad and hey presto she spills the beans on Tracey.”

“But”

“But nothing do you want that if you do choose to take Tracey forward would you not rather it came from you rather than Avril, and I mean maybe it’s just a one off, Mom on holiday missing her man needs a bit of affection, like some sort of holiday fling”

“Yeah but It’s my Mom”

“And she’s human just like the rest of us, look you could blow your family apart with this, if it was me I would sit on it say nothing just see what happens when you get home it might be nothing, everything might go back to normal.”

“So you think I should just leave it?”

“I think so, at least for now maybe there will come a time you can speak to your Mom about it, you’ll know when the time is right. If it’s deeper than that between them then maybe the damage is already done but you won’t get any credit for blurting it out from either of them.”

“Maybe your right it may just blow over”

“Look your Dad’s on cloud nine just now do you really want to bring him crashing to earth if there is something in it, if there is it’s your Mom’s responsibility to tell him not yours.”

“I guess”

“Anyway I think you need to be thinking about yourself and where you want to go, it’s your life no one else but you can live it so you need to work out totally who you are, and I think you might know deep down but you need to face it.”

Mhari stood up lifting her crutch.

“Think I better head back it’s nearly 11,” she said glancing at the clock.

I got up as well.

“All in all it’s been a great holiday” she said before continuing “I met a great girl that was fun to hang out with and a not so bad guy who has a heart of gold”

There was a hint of a tear in my eye again as I stepped towards her.

She turned and placed a little kiss on my mouth.

I was a bit shocked, and froze a little as she did it.

“What, I am bi I do kiss boys and girls you know” she laughed as she stepped to the door.

“Oh I nearly forgot” she said as she opened her bag.

She handed me a small box and a piece of paper.

“What’s this” I asked.

“It’s my e-mail address and phone number, if you need a chat about anything just e-mail me or give me a call I would love to hear how you progress”

“Thanks” I said placing my own little kiss on her cheek.

“The box you can open when I’m gone” she said opening the door “Good luck Tracey it’s been great knowing you” were her last words as she stepped outside and was gone.

I looked at the box then at the door a big chapter of my life may just have closed the first person that I could really talk about Tracey to.

I opened the box inside was three tone gold Claddagh ring that was utterly stunning at that point I knew I had made a friend for life and tears began to fall.

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My sleep was a troubled one that night. Mhari’s words had set my mind on edge a bit, she had a point about me and what the future held for me and even more so about what I should do about Mom and Avril. After she had gone I had sneaked out for a late night cigarette. It struck me as I did so that my day’s imprisonment had let Mom and Avril have a day free from my prying eyes, who knows they could have spent all day and all night locked in each other’s passion, getting up to all manner of thing’s safe in the knowledge that I was in my cabin.

When I woke the next morning the same thought resurfaced in my mind, sneaking out once more to satisfy my need for an early ciggie the urge to knock on the door was strong but was also resisted as I climbed the steps on to the deck. Two cigarettes later I was back outside their cabin door my ears peeled for any signs of noise. My actions must have looked a bit suspicious to the first guest I had seen that morning as a man emerged from a cabin three or four doors down, hurriedly I opened my own cabin door and stepped back inside.

I double checked all the drawers and wardrobe just to make sure everything was packed. I grabbed a quick wash and then put my toiletries back in the holdall. Just as I had closed the zip there was a knock at the door.

“Just coming” I called out picking up the holdall from the bed.

I opened the cabin and there stood Avril and Mom.

“Ok ready to go” Mom asked.

“I suppose so” I said as they moved off I glanced back inside the cabin where Tracey had lived for the last 8 days or so sadly and slowly I closed the door and walked off behind them.

“Where’s the luggage” I asked as I caught up with them.

“They collected it last night” Avril replied as we walked along to the disembarkation point, Mom handed me my passport and we headed down to leave the ship. About fifteen minutes later we were on dry land and heading over to the terminal to pick up our bags. Inside passengers mingled as they awaited the arrival of their bags. I lost sight of Avril for a few minutes then noticed her across the terminal. There she was talking away with Raul and Armando as if nothing was happening, my heart was churning as she nodded back towards us and they all looked over. If I could have seen my face it must have been pillar box red as I could feel the heat burn in my cheeks. Raul had a confused perplexed look on his face what was he thinking as he looked over at the slim boy with the blonde hair. I anxiously looked around trying to spot our bags as they began to come through. I moved closer Mom had said they had yellow labels on them as each one came round I checked each yellow label hoping that it was ours, one bag, two bags, three and then four great that was them all. I grabbed the trolley and started to walk away.

“Where’s Avril” Mon asked.

“Over there” I said nodding in her direction.

“I’ll meet you outside” I said as I pushed the trolley away and headed out of the terminal towards a taxi rank.

I didn’t have too long to wait before they both emerged to my relief there was no Raul or Armando with them soon we were in a taxi and heading into the centre of Lisbon.

We arrived at a hotel that was to act as our base for the day there was a room for me and one for Mom and Avril just so that we could relax and freshen up before we went to the airport tonight for our flight back home. We checked in and stored the luggage for later before we were shown to our rooms.

“We can nip down for some breakfast” Mom said as the lift arrived at our floor.

“Ok” I mumbled as we left the lift and we were led along the corridor to our rooms, the maid handed us keys and told us where the dining room was.

“I’ll meet you down there in ten minutes” I said as I escaped to the sanctuary of my room. Inside I had a look around opening the min-bar I noticed a small bottle of orange juice, opening it I poured it out into a glass and went out on to the balcony of the room, the bustle of Lisbon lay in front of me but in truth it held no interest !

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The day in Lisbon was if nothing else slow, after breakfast Mom and Avril went for a walk, I declined and went back to my room, where I spent most of the day except for the odd sneaked cigarette on the balcony.

Later I changed into fresh shorts and a shirt with long sleeves to hide my hairless arms. By early evening it was time to leave and soon we were back in the airport awaiting our flight back to Glasgow.
We had dinner in the airport and then checked in, fortunately I got a seat away from Mom and Avril so I could miss out on any last minute digs that Avril might have had in mind for me.

The flight itself was painless I watched an inflight movie and in no time we were on the final decent into Glasgow. I collected the bags while Mom and Avril chatted away in the terminal soon we were walking along the terminal towards passport control.

“Mrs McWilliams” a voice rang out.

I turned an official looking gentleman with Airport Security on his shirt stood by the wall.
“Yes” Mom replied.

“Can you follow me” he asked, I looked at Avril she looked at me both puzzled by what had just happened.

We followed the man to a door of the corridor he opened it and led us along another corridor. Part of me by this time was hoping that Avril had become some sort of drug smuggler and she was going to be arrested and jailed for years the other part just worried that it might be something to do with me.

Eventually we were led into a room two or three people mingled around one turned and it was Dad.

“Hi gang” he said walking over he took Mom in his arms and hugged her giving her a kiss and kissing Avril’s cheek which just about led to me losing the content of my stomach.

He turned “Hi champ” he said walking over and hugging me he looked at me a bit strongly.

“You’ve finally had your hair cut and it looks lighter as well” he said as he messed about with my hair.

Mom chipped in “The sun always lightens your hair” she said before going on “So what’s this all about the reception party” she said nodding towards the man who had brought us in.

“It’s been just crazy the last couple of days, press everywhere, they even followed me here tonight” Dad said.

“You some sort of celebrity now” Avril said with a smirk on her face while I drew her a look that went unnoticed.

“It’s mad” Dad said “but I hope it will calm down in a day or two”

“I’m proud of you” Mom said getting up and kissing him.

“I just thought that it would be better to have a private get together away from the cameras” Dad went on “So I asked the airport and they agreed, but here’s the thing the press have also been camped out at the house as well. I don’t want you all to have to go through it so I thought it might be an idea if you both stayed at Avril’s for a couple of days until it all blows over, what do you think?”

My heart stopped at that point I wanted to cry out “What the fuck are you doing Dad sending us into the lair of the snake, don’t you know she’s been lapping away at Mom while you have been saving people’s lives” but I couldn’t I just stood there taking in the scene in front of me.

“Well if you think it’s best” Mom said

“I think it is” Dad said.

“Youi ok with that Avril” he asked.

“Fine by me” she said.

Yeah I just bet it is you snake !!

“Ok let’s get going then” Dad said as he took Mom’s hand and walked through another exit with me and Avril following on, I could swear she smiled at me in a sarcastic way as we left the room.

Soon we were in an unmarked car with a WPC driving and just over 30 minutes later we were turning into a residential street and there in front of us was the lair of the snake.