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Chapter 15 Awakening

A few hours after George and I had parted on the quayside the Bunnies were getting ready in our dressing room together with Maria.

‘That was a neat trick that you used to get rid of the rest of us this afternoon, you saucy wench,’ said Carol to me as she was helping me to put on my bunny costume prior to the theatre show that evening.

‘There was no trick involved, this couple came out of nowhere and pushed past us,’ I replied innocently.

‘So what did you do together after you left us?’ she asked.

‘We had a look round some of the sights and had an ice cream before returning to the ship.

‘And did anything interesting happen?’

‘Not really,’ I replied, looking a little sheepish. ‘But I had a good time.’

‘What is saucy wench?’ asked Maria, who was putting the finishing touches to Beth’s makeup.’

‘It is an old-fashioned phrase: it means a young woman with plenty of spirit,’ replied Beth.

‘Brandy spirit?’ asked Maria.

‘No it means espíritu, or carácter distintivo,’ I replied from across the room, now glad of the opportunity to change the subject.

‘I saw you and George holding hands on the quayside, but you did not kiss each other when you parted – that is not what I call saucy wench,’ Maria responded. ‘Maybe you got on the ship in time, but you miss the boat, eh Ally?’

I blushed at her joke made at my expense but I couldn’t fault her on her use of English idioms.

George seemed a little awkward with all three of the Bunnies as we were setting up in the theatre that evening, and avoided any questions from Carol and Beth about the afternoon. However, we all performed well enough as part of the show, and got plenty of applause. I hoped that we could pick things up where they’d been left and perhaps go for a walk together on the top deck where we’d be unlikely to meet anyone else. I therefore hurriedly changed out of my Bunny costume and went looking for him. Unfortunately he disappeared immediately after the show before I had any chance to speak with him and I wondered what the other guys had said to him.

I saw no sign of George the following morning and much the same thing happened after our afternoon show. It was clear that he was now avoiding me and that we’d gone back to square one in terms of our friendship.

‘What’s wrong with George?’ I asked James when I had an opportunity to speak with him alone.

‘I was going to ask you that question, Ally; he’s been acting moodily ever since we got back on board yesterday.’

‘So is it something that I’ve done to upset him?’ I asked.

‘I’ve no idea, Ally, you would know the answer to that one better than me.’

The Bucks were due to accompany one of the other acts that evening and so for once the Bunnies had a night off. Carol and Beth and their friends were making the most of the opportunity and Maria was busy studying a list of English idioms that I’d given to her. I was in a sombre mood so I took my planned stroll round the upper deck alone. It was as if the events of our second cruise had been building to some sort of climax in Venice only to be dissipated immediately afterwards. Maria’s transformation of my appearance and her gift of a new dress had done wonders for my self-confidence as a young woman, but all of this was now undone by the abject failure of my first romantic encounter. Living the life of a young woman had many attractions for me but (to use another nautical idiom) it was not all going to be ‘plain sailing’. There were pitfalls and potential disappointments as well.

The Bunnies would often help one another to get ready for our evening shows with Maria checking up on us afterwards. Due to my new found interest in cosmetics and hair styling (one of the results of my sharing a cabin with Maria over the last two weeks) I’d become competent at getting myself ready and assisting the two others. Thus I was helping my cousin to pin up her hair and put on the bunny ears in our dressing room on the third night after our departure from Venice, whilst Maria was busy putting the finishing touches to Beth’s makeup in the salon.

‘I do like your nails, Ally’ Carol commented, referring to the little pink and white rabbits in different poses currently painted on my finger nails.

I smiled.

‘Thanks; I’m quite proud of them. Maria and I were experimenting on one another with nail art last night, but she’s far more artistic than I am so of course I came away with the better designs.’

Carol then moved on to another subject.

‘From what Maria said the other day it sounded as if nothing much happened between you and George during your afternoon in Venice,’ she began.

‘For a little while on the way back to the ship he seemed to forget whom I really was and we held hands, but he came to his senses as soon as he caught sight of his mates on the quayside,’ I replied, blushing.

‘What did you feel about that?’

I shrugged.

‘I don’t know really. We had fun together during the afternoon and I felt that he was beginning to see me as a person rather than a freak. Maybe I was a little disappointed with the way things turned out afterwards but I guess that’s one of the disadvantages about living as a girl: the guy gets to make the decisions.’

‘Dealing with guys is all a question of practice and experience. I suspect that you and George are actually quite keen on one another, even if he is afraid to admit it to himself.’

‘Maybe you’re right, but don’t you think that my life is already complicated enough as it is without adding further complications?’ I said.

She didn’t answer me directly.

‘So how have things been between the two of you since then?’

‘He seems to be awkward and embarrassed in my company and so we’ve tended to keep our distance from one another when we’re not performing. It’s as if we’ve gone back to the time when he first discovered about Alex. I’m not sure whether I should feel sad or relieved about it.’

‘You’d normally meet one another over the next day or two to discuss possible new numbers for us all to perform.’

‘I know and I’d be happy to work with him any time he asks; but it’s up to him to invite me. I don’t intend to go begging to him,’ I said.

‘Maybe I should have a word with the other Bucks to see if they can persuade him not to be such an idiot, before it starts affecting all our work together.’

‘I’d rather you didn’t, thanks, just in case it makes things worse between us.’

At this point Beth entered the room, looking radiant in her Bunny outfit and with immaculate hair and makeup.

‘I’m done now, Maria is ready to finish off your makeup, Ally,’ she said, ‘although you look pretty good as you are.’

‘I’d better go for my inspection or else she’ll only tell me off, afterwards,’ I said.

‘I’ll come as well as there’s something I’d like to ask you,’ said Carol.

We didn’t attempt to cover our stage costumes as we walked out into the public area of the ship, as it was always good publicity for our show. I enjoyed those times, especially if we were wearing the bunny outfits, because of the admiring glances and occasional wolf-whistles that we received from the male passengers.

‘So what else did you want to ask me, Carol?’

‘I can’t talk now, Ally, but I was wondering whether we might have a quiet conversation together on the upper deck after the show tonight?’

‘Yes, of course, but we can’t very well go outside on deck dressed like this. Shall we go as soon as we’ve changed?’

‘That’ll be fine.’

Two and a half hours later Carol and I stood together on the deserted upper deck looking out to sea. It was a warm clear night with nearly a full moon.

‘So what did you want to talk to me about, Carol?’ I asked.

‘I haven’t said anything to Mum about our conversation last week or the fact that we’re unlikely to be seeing Alex in Waterlooville for some time to come. However, I did speak to her on the telephone before the ship left Venice. She asked me how things were going with you and I told her how well you’d been doing. Mum then said that she’s getting increasingly anxious that your parents will soon discover the truth and then they will blame her for keeping it a secret.

‘Why should that be so?’

‘Apparently there are several film clips of the Honey Bunnies on YouTube, and photographs on Flickr, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. If your mother or father went looking for an image of me on Google or Pinterest they would be bound to come across one of you as well, most likely wearing your Bunny outfit. What we’ve been doing over the last few weeks isn’t exactly low-profile and we didn’t go out of our way to disguise your name. Also your Mum keeps asking why it is that her friends’ children who are overseas can have regular internet chat sessions with their parents but it seems to be so difficult for her to do with you. Your mother isn’t a fool and it’ll only be a matter of time before she discovers for herself what’s been going on.’

I sighed.

‘I suppose you’re right,’ I replied.

‘So Mum and I feel that the time has come for you to tell your parents what you’ve been doing before they find out for themselves.’

‘I know, but I just need a little more time to work out what I’m going to say to them,’ I replied plaintively.

Carol gave a frustrated sigh.

‘Ally, I‘ve been observing you closely over the last few weeks. You look like a girl, you sound like a girl, and since you’ve moved in with Maria you increasingly act like a girl. I even suspect that you’re beginning to think like a girl as well, although you still have a certain amount to learn in that respect.’

I couldn’t really deny that.

‘But isn’t that what everyone wanted from me when I took on the job?’ I replied.

‘Yes it is, but I don’t think any of us expected things to go quite so far as they have done.’

She hesitated for a moment, as if she’d suddenly realised something.

‘Unless of course, that’s what you always wanted to happen?’

I turned away from her and looked out to sea. I’d made no secret as to how much I’d been enjoying myself in my new role, so it was now difficult for me to deny her observation.’

‘So what, if it was? It’s up to me to decide how to live my life,’ I replied for the first time spelling out what I’d been vainly trying to suppress for so long.

‘Now that I think about it, you did slot into the female role remarkably easily and you adopted a girl’s voice without any trouble.’

‘If I ever tried to sing as a guy my voice sounded mediocre, but I taught myself to sing as a girl and it always sounded better. I would practice at home with a karaoke machine when my parents were out.’

‘Did you dress as a girl as well and wear makeup?'

‘Sometimes, if I knew that they wouldn’t be home for some time. It's because when I am dressed as a guy I feel like a nobody but when I'm dressed as Ally it's the real me.'

‘In that case why don’t you just come clean and tell your parents that you want to live as a girl?’ she asked. ‘You’ve already proved that you could do so successfully.’

There was a pause before I replied.

‘Because the last time I told them, they didn’t believe me,’ I replied.

‘When was that?’ Carol asked, in some surprise.

‘When I was nine years old.’

‘So how long have you felt that you wanted to be a girl?’

There was no point in my pretending any more.

‘For as long as I can remember.’

Carol was not expecting this answer and took a second or two to digest the information.

‘So what did your Mum and Dad say to you when you first told them?’

‘They said it was just a phase and that I’d grow out of those feelings when I reached puberty.’

‘Did you believe them?’

‘They were my parents! I took it for granted that they knew best. I tried my best to put the feelings out of my mind and to concentrate on my school work, hoping that I’d soon begin puberty and become like everyone else.’

‘So what happened?’

‘Nothing much. I never grew as tall as my classmates or developed a deep voice in my early teens.’

‘Was that due to your asthma?’

‘I was suffering quite badly at this time and that was the explanation given by the doctors. My asthma did gradually clear up as I got older and I kept telling myself that one day I would also grow out of these feelings that were always present in the back of my mind, but it never happened. My bones have finished growing so I’ll always be fairly short and slight, but the doctors do say that I’ll gradually develop more masculine facial features because of the testosterone that is being produced by my body so I’ll have the worst of both worlds.’

‘But the testosterone doesn’t appear to have had much impact on your appearance yet.’

‘No I suppose not.’

We were both silent for a while. I wanted to say that I was pleased that I’d never grow into a he-man with broad shoulders, that I was glad to look passable as a young woman. I didn’t need to spell out how much I enjoyed dressing in our stage costumes, especially the bunny outfit, and receiving applause and admiring looks from the audience.

‘The trouble is, Carol, that I’ve never lost those feelings that I should have been born a girl. Then you and Beth invited me to join the Bunnies and from that moment I realised that I was never going to stop feeling the way I did.’

‘So this is partly our fault,’ said Carol a little quietly.

‘No; of course it isn’t your fault. Joining the Honey Bunnies has been the best thing that has ever happened to me. You may have inadvertently fanned the embers that were already there, but in doing so you’ve probably saved my sanity, perhaps even my life.’

‘That sounds a bit melodramatic.’

I turned towards her.

‘Carol, I can’t explain how awful it’s been to be forced into living in a gender role that doesn’t fit and isn’t right for me. It is as if I’ve had to live someone else’s life and prevented from being myself.’

For the first time I’d admitted, both to Carol and more importantly to myself, what had really been going on in my mind. I began to sob. She hugged me.

‘So why don’t you explain all this to your parents, Ally?’

I continued sobbing.

‘You know what my Mum is like; she doesn’t listen to anything she doesn’t want to hear. She’ll just tell me about the sacrifices that they’ve made and how I’m letting them both down.’

‘What about your Dad? How will he react to the news?’

‘All he’s worried about is his job; I guess he’ll think whatever Mum tells him.’

Carol continued to hold me.

‘So what are you going to do about it?’ she asked.

‘I’m going to have to explain to them fairly soon, but I want to do it in such a way that there can be no doubt of the seriousness of my intentions and that any further discussion of the topic will be futile.’

‘So what am I going to say to my mum when I call her next?’

‘I don’t want to cause any upset between Aunt Emma and my parents. Why not tell her that I’ve been invited to stay with my friend Maria, when we next dock at Southampton? That way she can tell the truth about my whereabouts to my parents. But at the same time you can reassure her that I will tell them soon.’

Carol sighed.

‘Alright, I’ll tell Mum that. I’m sure she doesn’t want to get you in to trouble with your parents.

‘Yes, I know.’

‘But what about Beth, would you like me to put her fully in the picture.’

‘I suppose so; she must have guessed much of the story by now. You can tell her what I’ve just told you, if you wish, but I’d rather it went no further at present, especially with the guys.’

‘Of course, it won’t, Ally’.

‘There’s one thing you could do for me, please, Carol.’

‘What’s that?’

‘I can't go back to being a boy, ever, so when you next go home, I would like you to go to the cardboard box under the stairs and pack all of Alex’s clothes into my old suitcase and dispose of them for me please.’

‘How do I do that?’

‘You could take them to a charity shop, if you have time.’

She thought for a moment.

‘No; I’m not prepared to do that for you. You must take responsibility for your future life. I’ll bring them back with me to Southampton so that you can dispose of them instead.’

‘Alright but I don’t want you to bring them on board the ship.’

‘If you’re still sure that is what you want to do, you could always hand them in at the dock gates as being lost property. Eventually they will be disposed of.’

‘Thanks, Carol.’

‘Well good luck, Ally! I think you’re going to be a great girl and I’m pleased to have you as my cousin. I’m sure things will work out for you in the future.’

‘Thanks. I hope you’re right.’

I smiled and took out a tissue from my handbag to dry my tears.

‘So are you feeling better now?’

‘Yes, I’m fine, thanks,’ I replied.

‘Are you coming inside with me?’

‘No, you go ahead; I’ll stay out here for a while and think about what I am going to say to my parents, and when.’

‘Alright but don’t leave it too late,’ she replied and left me to my thoughts.

I wasn’t sure whether she was referring to my staying out on deck or telling my parents that I wanted to spend the rest of my life as Ally, rather than Alex.

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