Becoming Antonia Part 20.

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Realizations about what is important in life, can lead to new friends.

Becoming Antonia Part 20.

By; Toni, with help from Bob Arnold


 

The sun was streaming through my window, just as my alarm went of the next morning. Sarah was smacking at the clock to make it “shut up,” and I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched her struggle to stay asleep. Actually I’m lying, it wasn’t a laugh, it was a giggle. I just fucking giggled at my girlfriend. Once I realized this, it shook me to my core and my inner monolog started conversing on it’s own.

“What the fuck is wrong with me?”

“What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong! I just fucking giggled! That’s what’s wrong!”

“Calm down.”

“Fuck you! Don’t tell me to calm down! I’d say I’ve been too calm for too long as it is!”

“Alright, go ahead a freak out. But I ask you, then what?”

“What do you mean?”

“After you flip out, what happens next?”

“I don’t know.”

“Will freaking out change us back into a man?”

“Uh, I doubt it.”

“Alright, then what will freaking out do?”

“You mean besides worry Sarah?”

“BINGO! All flipping out and ranting is going to do is cause the mother of our child to get stressed. And I can’t let us do that.”

“I know, it’s not healthy for the baby. But I still don’t know what to do.”

“Alright, what’s wrong?”

“Have you been here for the past few weeks?”

“Don’t be a smart-ass.”

“I’m serious. It’s like you haven’t seen the changes we’ve been going through.”

“I’ve noticed them. But we’re still healthy. Actually, we’re healthier than we were before.”

“And?”

“And that means we’ll be able to watch our child grow up, and who knows, we might even get to see grand-kids some day.”

“But what about mental health?”

“What about it?”

“I feel like every day that goes by, a little bit more of me, that is to say the old me, slips away.”

“Nope. I’m still here, and I’m not going anywhere. I was just giving the new crew a chance to run things for a while.”

“So you aren’t going to bail, and leave us in the lurch?”

“No at all. But I don’t see the need to complicate things by trying to dictate how things should be.”

“How should things be?”

“Well, lets break down that dream that started this whole thing. In the dream, we bailed on Sarah. Rule 1, don’t do that.”

“Right.”

“In that dream, we saw that our dad could die in a few years. Don’t let anyone drive a wedge between the two of us.”

“Not a chance. We’re not letting the old man go anywhere.”

“Good. Moving on, we had a chance to get back into racing.”

“Yeah, with unexpected results.”

“True, but we were doing what we’ve always loved to do. Where is working at the aluminum plant going to lead us?”

“Well, judging from the people who’ve been there a while, I’d say it could lead us to a nice quiet life to be able to raise our kids in.”

“Fair enough. But what about travel? We used to love being on the road.”

“We have more important things to worry about than being on the road.”

“Such as?”

“Sarah and the baby! What the fuck kind of question is that? Priorities are as follows. Family comes FIRST! Everything else is a distant second.”

“Good, so we’re still on the same page with that. But, what about the aluminum plant?”

“What about it?”

“You mean other than it sucks the life out of us every time we go through the gate?”

“Alright, but what do we do about it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well if we’re so damn unhappy there, why don’t we do something about it?”

“Well, that is if we even have a job to go back to.”

“Right, oh shit. What time is it?”

“9:30, OH SHIT! We have to go to Physical Therapy today!”

“Sarah, come on hun, wake up.” I said to her, as I gently, then not so gently shook my love.

“Huh? What’s wrong?” she asked rolling over and wiping the sleep from her eyes.

“We have to get going, I have PT in an hour.”

“CRAP!” she said as she did the five minute dash to get ready do we wouldn’t be late.

As it turns out, we were right on time for my daily ass-kicking by Brenda. That’s what I call it anyway. After working with her for a couple of hours, I feel like I used to after a rugby match, or a hockey game. My body is sore, and my brain actually hurts a bit from all the thinking she makes me do to remember how to act like a “proper lady.” Today was no different. She finally called an end to my session, and told me that tomorrow we’d be going to the mall.

“Why?”

“Because, I want to see how you act in public.” she told me with that cold evil grin that has always sent a chill through my entire body.

By the time I arrived at session with Helen, she could tell I was a bit shaken. She didn’t really press me about it at first, but as the session wore on, she finally questioned me about it.

“Did something happen Pat?”

“Huh? What?” I asked as I had been lost in my own thoughts again.

“That’s was I was getting at?”

“I’m sorry can you repeat the question? I wasn’t paying attention.”

“I know.” she said with a slight grin. “I asked you if something happened.”

“Yeah, I had a half hour talk with myself this morning about losing the old me, as more of the new me comes out.”

“Do you really think they are different?” she asked, looking me in the eyes.

“I don’t follow you.”

“Do you really feel any different than you did say, last year?”

“Well, not really, but I guess I’m going to be.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you think you have to be different than you were Toni?”

“Well people don’t look at women the same as they do men.” then it hit me. “What did you just call me?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I jumped the gun on that. Terry called me this morning and said your new papers are ready. I was just using the name he told me you changed yours to.”

I just sat there in shock. It’s finally happening. I’m now officially a woman. Thirty years of being a guy, and in one month’s time, I’ve gone from being a man with a plan, to a woman, with no clue what comes next. The feeling of being lost overcame me, and I started to ball my eyes out.

Sarah and I finally made it to Terry’s office and it didn’t take long for me to officially become Antonia Charlene Trepasso. The realization hit me like a Mack truck and I broke down right there in Terry’s office. I’m not really sure how long I sat there crying, but when I was finally able to compose myself, Sal was sitting there having a conversation with Terry and Sarah.

“Ah, good, you’re back with us.” he told me with a grin. “I was about ready to call an ambulance.”

“It’s been an emotional day, sorry Sal.”

“It’s alright Toni.” he said with a chuckle. “You know, it’s surprising you’re taking all this so well.”

“How’s that?”

“Well, I don’t know if I could handle everything you’ve been going through, quite as well.”

“It’s a struggle most days Sal.” I told him with a smirk. “Trust me, it ain’t easy.”

“Fair enough.” he told me with a nod. “The reason I came in, was to tell you that the University has offered a counter offer to our suit.”

“Let me guess, half, right?” I asked with a sigh.

“How did you know?”

“Lucky guess.”

“Well, $13 million dollars is quite a bit of money.”

“Yes it is, and I plan to use it to make sure my kids get the best education, they can.” I told him as I smiled at my bride to be.

“So I should tell them you accept?”

“Tell them I accept, on one condition.”

“What’s that?”

“They keep my identity out of the press.”

“Actually that was one of the stipulations they were asking for.”

“Then they have a deal.”

Sal told me he’d call to have me sign the papers in a couple of days. Sarah and I left so I could go to the DMV to get my new licence, and the titles to my vehicles changed over. Once that was done, we headed home, where she and dad sat down to watch some of those real life police shows. I’m not really into those, so I grabbed the helmet I bought for Sarah to use if she ever wanted to ride with me on my motorcycle, and headed out for a ride. I really needed to clear my head, and just think for a while.

I ended up just south of Syracuse, near where her grandparent’s had their summer camp, when I ran out of gas. I started kicking myself for not checking the tank before I left. With nothing to do but walk, that’s what I did. I put my padlock on my brake rotor so no one could take off with my bike, and just headed down the road a ways. I found myself turning onto a dirt road and thinking about everything that was happening.

Was it really something I could deal with? Could I really go on, knowing that the entire world was going to look at me differently? I’d gone from a burly guy with a big heart, who could get himself out of trouble with a single look most of the time, to a girl who was struggling to keep her sanity. I was scared, and alone. I mean, I still had Sarah, and my parents, but they couldn’t really understand what I was going through. Hell, no one could. I doubt this has ever happened before. Who’s ever heard of a man suddenly changing into a woman?

I was walking along a small brook, lost in my own thoughts, when I came upon what looked like a large log cabin. Well, make that more like a huge log mansion. Maybe they would have a phone, and I could use it to call my dad and Sarah, to come get me and the bike. So I went to the back door and knocked. After a couple of seconds an older woman came to the door and gave me the strangest look.

“May I help you miss?” she asked me in a distinct British accent.

“Um yes ma’am, my motorcycle ran out of gas, and I was wondering if I could have you call my girlfriend to come get me?” I asked her.

“Come on in dear.” She told me, opening the door. “You look drawn out. Have you been walking long?”

“I’m not sure ma’am.” I told her kind of ashamed that I didn’t know how far I’d walked.

“What do you mean you don’t know? Surely you know where your motorbike is.”

“I know where it is, but I was kind of lost in my thoughts as I was walking, and I don’t know where I am.” I told her sheepishly.

Just then a beautiful woman came around the corner, looking over a stack of papers he was carrying. If I had to guess I’d say she had to be a model since she had the figure of a goddess. But then again, what did I know.

“Who was at the door Gertie?” she asked then looked up and saw me standing there holding my motorcycle helmet. “Oh, hi, I’m Jen.” she told me with a smile as she held out her hand to me.

“Uh, hi, I’m Toni.” I said blushing as I shook her hand.

“Miss Stevens, this poor dear ran out of gas with her motorbike.” the British lady, who I could now assume was Gertie, told her. “Can she use the phone to call her friend to pick her up?”

“Sure. Follow me.” she said as she lead me to the spacious living room and handed me the phone.

“Thank you ma’am.” I told her as I took the phone and started to dial. “I can pay you for the call.”

“Nonsense.” she told me with a warm smile that actually put me at ease. “ I’ll always help a person in need. And please, call me Jen.”

“Thank you ma... I mean Jen.” which caused her to giggle a bit. It was at this time that my dad answered the phone. “Hey dad, let me talk to Sarah.” I told him and heard him hand the phone over. “Hey hun, uh, you probably aren’t going to believe this, but I ran out of gas.”

“Where are you?” she asked in shock.

“Well I ran out of gas near your grandparent’s camp, but I’m not there.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m not sure. I took a walk to clear my head, and stumbled upon a house, and the lady here was kind enough to let me use her phone.”

“Well ask her where you are.” she told me and I could just picture her shaking her head.

“Uh, Jen? Where am I?” I asked her sheepishly.

“Here, let me talk to her.” Jen told me with that same relaxing smile.

I gave her the phone and just looked out the window at the woods that surrounded her house, and again lost myself in my thoughts.

“You know, you’re girlfriend is worried about you.” came Jen’s voice as I felt a soft hand on my shoulder, which brought me back to reality.

“Huh? What?” I said, as I could feel myself starting to blush.

“I said Sarah is worried about you.”

“Yeah, I’ve never ran out of gas before.”

“No.” she told me. “She’s worried about you for other reasons.”

I turned around and could see the look of concern in her eyes. She offered me a seat and she asked Gertie to make us a couple of mugs of something called ‘Chocolate overload.’

“So you want to talk about what’s been on your mind?” she asked as I could hear Gertie putting a pot on the stove.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” I told her. A cat strolled into the room and jumped up into her lap. She stroked his head and neck as he purred loudly.

“Oh, you’d be surprised what I’d believe.” she told me with a wink. "By the way, this guy's name is Gillie. Hope you like cats 'cause if he takes a liking to you he'll probably curl up on your lap."

Gillie wandered over and I extended a hand so he could take a sniff. He did just that then nuzzled my hand so I scratched him behind the ears. The purring got even louder. He seemed to be headed for my lap then a noise from the direction of the kitchen distracted him and he took off after it.

Jen giggled a bit. "Sounds like Gertie is opening his lunch. So you were saying...?"

“I doubt you’d believe this.” I said and gave a slight laugh. “I don’t even believe it myself.”

“Well, I’ve learned that talking about it, sometimes helps at least get the issue into the open. And believable or not, it gives you a chance for another point of view.”

“Alright, just don’t say I didn’t warn you.” I told her with a shrug.

I gave her the ‘Cliff’s Notes’ version of the dream I had, and then gave her the entire story about the actual accident. How I’d landed in some sort of chemical that altered my DNA, and changed my once male body, into the female one sitting before her. I tried to read her expression as I told her my story, but I just couldn’t get a read on her. Usually I can tell what people are thinking, from what their eyes say, but I just couldn’t read Jen. Once I finished, I asked her what she though.

“It sounds to me, like you feel alone, and lost right now.” she said as Gertie showed up with a couple of mugs of what looked like hot coco.

“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.” I told her as I took a sip of my mug. “Hey, this tastes pretty good.” I told her with the first smile I’d had all day.

“It’s something a good friend of mine showed me how to make.” she said with a smile. “Something about chocolate makes you feel better.”

“I’ve heard that.” I said, then took another sip. “So what do you really think about what I told you? Pretty out there huh?”

“Yes, it is a bit hard to grasp, but it’s not the first time I’ve heard of a man changing into a woman.” she told me with that relaxing smile again.

“Yeah, right. Like there’s more of me out there.” I said with a small giggle of disbelief.

“Actually, more like in here.” she said with a wink.

“You lost me. In where?”

“In this room.”

“Where?” I asked her looking around to see if there was someone else there that I didn’t see.

“Right here.” she told me, as she made a gesture towards herself.

“Quit making fun of me.” I said as I started to cry. “I’m being serious. I really did change into a woman. And here you are trying to make fun of me, by telling me that you did to.” I told her almost yelling. “There’s no way a woman with your beauty could ever had been a guy. I know some women who had SRS, and you look nothing like them.”

“I never said I had SRS.” she told me as she offered me a tissue. “All I said was that I changed.”

“You’re just making fun of me.” I said, then blew my nose.

“No, I’m not Toni.” she said getting up and then grabbing a well worn photo album. “Here, look.”

She showed me some pictures of a guy laying in a hospital bed. His body showed the marks of someone who’d been struck by lightning. As we went through the pictures, I could watch as the mans body changed. It was kind of eerie to watch the guy in HER photo album go through the same changes I saw my body go through in my dream, and then experience in real life. Finally there was one that you could make out was Jen. She was in the same bed, and though her hair didn’t quite look the same as it did now, there was no doubt that it was her.

“So you weren’t screwing with me?” I asked in shock.

“I’d never try to play a prank on someone who was in as much mental distress as you seemed to be Toni.” she told me as she held my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“Can I see that first picture again?” I asked as something clicked in my head. She flipped back to the first picture and I looked at the face carefully. It finally dawned on me that I knew him. “You used to work at News Radio 750 didn’t you?”

“Yes, but that was a lifetime ago.” she told me, with a semi-confused look on her face.

“I remember you.” I said with a smile. “I was the producer that was trapped at the studio when the big Labor day storm hit a few years back.”

“Wait, let me think.” she said as I could see the gears turning in her head. “I remember kind of a big guy who basically saved the station that night. Didn’t you hang up on Biggy?” she asked, making reference to the stations programming director.

“Yes I did.” I told her with a giggle. “I actually hung up on him a couple of times while I was trying to work the remote start up on the transmitter that had been struck by lightning.”

“Now I remember you.” I didn’t see you at the lunch they had to thank everyone who helped keep us on the air. What happened?”

“No one told me about it.” I said looking kind of dejected. “It’s alright though, I laid a guilt trip on Biggy, and he gave me a couple of tickets to the SU, Miami game.”

“Alright, so what have you been up to since then?”

“Well, I left to go to work for the hard rock station, then quit, when I got accepted into the electrician’s union apprentice program. I left there when, I got offered a job with a racing team from the area, and then ended up in North Carolina working for a NASCAR team. I came home when my dad had a stroke a couple of years ago. Once he was back on his feet, I went out to Arizona to work for a sprint car team. Then came home after the end of the season, and I’ve been working at the aluminum plant in Oswego since then.” I told her then took a sip of my coco. “What about you?”

“You want the long version?” she asked with a Cheshire cat grin.

“Wait a minute, isn’t your last name Stevens?”

“Yes it is.” she said smiling wider.

“Oh crap! I feel like such a dork now. You’re Jen Stevens, the actress.” I sad smacking my head in grief.

“Guilty as charged.” she said with a giggle.

“How could I not recognize you?” I said, as I felt myself start to blush. “I own your movie on DVD, and I even bought a copy of your musical set from the Fair last year, to help support the orchestra.”

“Ah, a fan I see.” she said with that same grin. “So is it safe to assume that you don’t feel as bad as you did when you first showed up?”

“Well, meeting you, had kind of made me forget about that.” I said sheepishly. “I’m a bit too nervous now.”

“Nervous? Why on earth are you nervous?”

“Because I’ve never been this close to a big star before.”

“I’m not a big star.” she said, as she put her hand on my shoulder. “I’m just Jen. Remember? We used to work together at the radio station?”

“Yeah, but that was...” I didn’t know what to say.

“That was a while back, but I’m still the same person on the inside. Just because my outside has been upgraded, doesn’t mean anything else has changed.” she told me. “I take it that was the real reason you were so distraught earlier? You were afraid of losing the old you, and were trying figure out where the new you fit in?”

“That’s about the size of it.” I said with a sigh. “Recently I’ve been having the uncanny idea that my life is just the delusional ramblings...”

“Of an overweight guy who needs to get out of the house more?” she said, cutting me off, but saying exactly what I was going to say.

“You feel that way too sometimes?” I asked her in shock.

“More times than I’d like to think about. Look Toni, you aren’t alone on this. There are more of us than you think, out there. The biggest problem is that none of us want to be treated like a science experiment, so most of us try to keep that little bit of ourselves to ourselves.”

“But how do you cope with it all?”

“It’s not easy. There have been some things that have happened that I won’t tell you about. But know that if you ever need to talk, just give me a call.” she said, then gave me her cell number.

“Thanks Jen. I needed this.” I told her as I hugged her.

“It’s alright. You can get through this. It’s no harder to learn how to be a woman than it was learning how to run a radio station broadcast. Trust me.” she said to me, as she gently rubbed my back. “Come on, let’s go get your bike and get you home.”

“But I still don’t know where I am.”

“It’s alright, I’ll get us to the highway, and we can try to find it from there.”

On the way to the highway, I pointed out to Jen where my bike was as we came upon it. With a little effort, we had it in the back of her old red truck and before I knew it, we were pulling up to my dad’s house. I asked Jen to join us for dinner, but she told me she already had plans. I ended up going to bed that night feeling a little better about what was happening to my body, and what would be happening in my life. I wasn’t completely comfortable with it yet, but at least now I knew I had somewhere I could turn, and someone I could talk to, if it got to be too much.

To Be Continued.

Jennifer Stevens appears courtesy of Bob Arnold

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Comments

I will take my dose of Jen Stevens when and were I can

Nice of Bob to lend you Jen for a while.

I liked -- though at times it was hard to follow, but then Toni had trouble following it herself -- Toni's internal dialog. It's okay for one to talk to onesself but when you start arguing, watch out. Its so good Toni has her dad, Sarah and the baby and now even Jen, she will need them. Now what about getting out of that sucky alumium plant and what about Brit and Jess? Will her bittersweet dream of the future allow her to save them or will Brit still die, perhaps in a different way and Jess still be crippled or even die in a racing crash?

We haven't seen much of Toni's mom yet or ther second husband, is there a reason? Then there is the rest of Dad's family. And will Toni ever have a child? She seems determined to dote on Sarah and the child she sired while still Pat. I suspect she would be as good a birth mother as she will be as mom #2, formerly Dad.

Strange chapter but interesting. I should have figured what with both of you being in upstate NY and how you even wrote a confrontation with a reporer in this version that reminded me of Jen's meant you two would hook up. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and in myn own Timeout sillyness, I have borrowed and adapted from Bob's Zapped, I'm certain.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

confrontation???

I can't thank Bob enough for all his help with this chapter.

I know the voices in my head, singing off key can be a bit distracting at times, but where did I put in a confrontation with a reporter, in this chapter? That only happened back in the earlier chapter, in the hospital. I may be stupid, but atleast I'm not stupid... *insert laugh of insainty here*

Now, as for Brit and Jess... I'm not sure yet what's going to happen there. I haven't writen that far ahead.

Mom and I aren't really talking right now, so I don't feel like putting her in the chapters I've been doing. Perhaps at a later time.

Now, back to your origional statement... Tell me you haven't had the two sides of yourself have an argument. I, myself thought it was quite nice to have the "Pat" side sound in on the conversation. So if having an argument with yourself, makes you crazy, what does having a three way debate make you?

Much love.
Toni

It could be worse

Sometimes I swear I have conference calls in my head.

Particularly when my muse is being a pain.

No you do not.

Oh yes you do.

Would you two shut up? I'm trying to get some work done here.

* * * *

42 to 20 after a 0 to 14 start, WOW! The Sea Hawks slink off to the west coast and the small city Northern team, helped by heavy, wet snow, will face Dallas or the Giants for the NFC Championship. GO Giants, as that would mean an other playoff in Green Bay.

I do realize the reporter in the hospital room was from way earlier in your story, chapter two or three I think but it reminded me of Jen's confrontation with the reporter early in Zapped. My Joanie had a confrontaion with a reporter in the most recent episode of Timeout but she accidentally handled it differently, WAY differently. But then it's such fun to bash reporters and politicians, at least the creepy ones.

John in Wauwatosa

John in Wauwatosa

Bashing...

But let us not forget, telemarketers. They are the most fun to make fun of. I had one poor guy on hold for ten hours, while I went to a race. When I came home, HE WAS STILL THERE!

He asked me if I'd made up my mind yet. I told him that he was the biggest morron that lived, and hung up on him.

Much love.
Toni