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Chapter 18 Lost and found

Once I’d finished speaking on the phone to my mother I went with Maria to the salon where she repaired my missing eyelash extensions. She also did some minor maintenance to my hair and eyebrows, but in most other respects declared herself to be happy with the way I looked. Over the last three weeks I’d been quite meticulous in keeping my skin moisturised, checking for and removing any signs of unwanted bodily hair and in keeping my fingernails in good shape and found that I quite enjoyed the evening and morning routines involved.

‘That is good, Ally, you are learning to look after your appearance. In about a week from now I will show you how to touch-up your hair roots before your natural colour becomes visible, but that is all.’

‘Could we do that the night before I see Dr Martinez in Barcelona, as I’ll want to look my best.’

‘Yes, if you wish. I will now have time to go ashore and do a little shopping for myself this afternoon,’ she said as she was putting the finishing touches to my hair.

‘I can come with you, if you’d like me to,’ I offered.

‘No, that will not be necessary, thank you.’

Maria’s reply surprised me because she was normally happy for us to spend time together. However, I didn’t mind too much as I had plenty of things that I wanted to do. Now that I had ready access to the internet via my dongle, I was anxious to use it as much as I could. There was so much that I wanted to discover about my future life as a girl. It was as if I’d been living in a parallel world where only music had been the redeeming feature in what was otherwise a rather dull and grey existence. Now I was being given the opportunity to move over to a world of bright colours, nice smells and pleasant textures, where people were kind and supportive to one another. It was a world in which I should have grown up, if only I’d had the courage to follow my own instincts rather than accept that my parents knew best. There was no question in my mind about the rightness of my proposed action but I needed to find out about the medical, social and legal aspects of my planned transition. I needed to know how it might impact upon my future employment and education prospects. I wanted to learn from other people’s experiences and their mistakes. I needed to know everything that I could before I told my parents what I intended to do.

As soon as Maria left, I settled down to surfing the Web using my laptop, trying to find as much information as I possibly could about different aspects of my proposed transition. I realised that once I started with hormone replacement therapy, there would be no going back, but that did not worry me. It was the right course of action for me and I was only sorry that I’d allowed myself to be dissuaded from exploring the possibility before this time. However I wanted to know the implications for me both in the short term and longer terms. Also I wanted an idea of the likely timetable what other medical interventions might be required? I wanted to learn how others in my situation had explained their decision to their families, and how they in turn had reacted? What were the legal implications of my deciding to live as a woman, and how would I go about changing my name and documentation? There was so much for me to discover that I did not try to read everything I came across but rather downloaded the longer files and documents to read during the next voyage when I no longer had regular access to the internet.

By about four o’clock I was completely immersed in my subject and amazed at how much useful information I was finding, and so I was a little cross when there was a knock on my cabin door. I opened it and was surprised to find George standing there looking rather awkward.

‘Hi, Ally, I w-wonder whether I might have a word with you?’ he asked.

As a result of Maria’s attentions that morning, and the fact that I had on my new skater-style dress bought the previous day, I was looking quite presentable. This knowledge gave me more confidence to deal with an unexpected situation.

‘I suppose so,’ I replied. ‘You’d better come inside and sit down.’

He looked distinctly embarrassed but I wasn’t in the mood to help him out with any preliminary small talk.

‘Well?’ I asked.

‘Ally, I know that things haven’t been too good between us over the last ten days or so,’ he began.

‘I don’t recall that I’ve had any problems with you, George, other than that you’ve been behaving rather oddly towards me,’ I responded.

‘Yes, I guess so.’

‘So what did you want to say to me?’ I asked, not exactly sighing, but he must have been aware from the tone of my voice that this was not the most convenient time for this conversation.

‘If this isn’t a good time, maybe I could come back,’ he began.

‘No, you’re here now; what can I do for you?’

He seemed to be struggling to find the right words, but then seemed to change tack completely.

‘Perhaps we could go out for a meal together this evening and discuss things then?’

This wasn’t the answer I’d been expecting.

‘No, I don’t think so, George; I never know how you’re going to behave towards me. One minute you seem to be friendly and the next minute you cut me dead. So if there‘s something you need to say to me, or we need to discuss, let us sort it out here and now, in private. That way I can ask you to leave, if necessary. I’d rather do that than being forced to make a scene in a restaurant by walking out on you.’

‘Wow where did that come from?’ I asked myself. ‘I really am getting more confident as Ally.’

But I was also beginning to feel quite angry with him.

‘It’s just that you look so nice these days and act so like a girl.’

‘Is that supposed to be a compliment or a complaint?’

He ignored my question.

‘… and I don’t know how I should react to you.

‘Maybe you should have thought about that before you asked to come out with us in Venice, you must have known that you and I would probably end up together.’

‘I know, and we had a good time together, but I suppose I got worried about the way I was feeling towards you.’

‘I think you were more frightened of what other people might think of you to be seen out with a transgendered woman.’

He blushed and looked ashamed of himself.

‘Yes, maybe you’re right.’

‘If I look and behave like a girl, it is because that’s what I really am inside. There may be some superficial external issues relating to my body which I’ll need to address in the coming months, but those are my business.’

‘Yes, I realise that.’

‘I wasn’t expecting to have an on-board romance with you or to end up sharing your bed, but I think I deserved to be treated with a little more respect.’

‘Yes, I know; you’re right. I think you look lovely as a girl and I also admire you as a performer and a musical arranger.’

‘So you say. In that case why don’t you want us to work together as we used to?’

‘I do want us to work together.’

‘So why have you been avoiding me?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘Well, at the moment I’m not sure what I feel about you, George. I used to think that I liked you but recent incidents of moral cowardice towards me have not put you in a particularly good light. As you already know, I admire you as a musician and would like us to continue working together, if we can. However, if you really cannot cope with spending time with a transgendered woman then we should have a meeting with all six of us to discuss what is to be done before it starts affecting all our work.’

He looked abashed by what I’d said.

‘The others have already spoken to me on that subject, last night.’

‘Which others?’

‘The guys and the other two Bunnies.’

This came as a surprise to me. Nobody had mentioned such a meeting to me.

‘What did they say?’

‘That I should either sort things out with you or else consider leaving the group and they would find another keyboard player.’

‘They would be hard put to find a better one,’ I said in a slightly more conciliatory voice. ‘But what did they say about me?’ I asked.

‘They said that you weren’t the problem – I was.’

‘Is that all?’

His cheeks went red and he looked towards the floor.

‘No, Carol said that it was clear that I fancied you and that you liked me, so we should both stop acting like a pair of fools and do something about it.’

I smiled at Carol’s bluntness but also blushed to think of myself as the subject of such a discussion.

‘What did the others say to that?’

‘Nothing, but I think they agreed with her.’

I didn’t respond immediately, trying to think about what to say. Most of my anger had now dissipated but I now regretted our afternoon together in Venice, although at the time it had been good fun. Before then things had been going alright between us and it was only afterwards that they turned sour.

‘Maybe we were both trying to ‘do something about it’ in Venice,’ I commented quietly. ‘But you asked if you could join us, if you remember, but then you chickened out at the last minute.’

‘I know, and that’s why I wondered maybe we could try again tonight without any of the others looking on?’

‘I’m sorry George but I’ve no money left to go out with you tonight.’

‘It will be my treat, I’d like to take you to dinner and then maybe we could go on to a club.’

I hesitated, unsure what to do, and so temporarily changed the subject.

‘So this has all been one big conspiracy then.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Carol and Beth persuaded me to buy a new dress yesterday, the guys arranging a meeting with you last night, then Maria leaving me on my own this afternoon – it all fits together.’

‘Well if there has been a conspiracy, it hasn’t involved me,’ he replied.

‘No, I can see that.’

‘So what do you think, Ally? Shall we go out together tonight?’ he asked again.

‘I don’t know. Our afternoon in Venice ended fairly disastrously; going out for a meal together might make things even worse between us.’

‘Can’t we just go out as any boy and a girl might do and just see what happens?’

I wasn’t sure how to respond, but at least he seemed now to be thinking of me as a girl.

‘Maybe we should take things slowly at first, without any commitment on either side. However, if you agree for us to resume working together again as two adults, then I’ll be happy to go out to dinner with you tonight. But perhaps we should leave the club for another time.’

He looked quite relieved.

‘Agreed, and I’m truly sorry about what happened after our afternoon out in Venice together.’

‘Me too! In fact you didn’t even give me a goodbye kiss,’ I said with a small laugh.

‘Would you like it now?’

I hadn’t meant it that way, but if I was going to kiss a guy for the first time, I might as well do so now, when no one else was watching.

‘Alright then, and depending upon how well you perform, I’ll decide whether or not I want to go out with you tonight,’ I replied with a shy smile.

We stood up and he took my hand and I allowed myself to be taken into his arms. I closed my eyes as our lips and then our tongues gently caressed one another. I’d never engaged in a passionate kiss with anyone before but it somehow felt right for me to do so. From the bulge that I could feel in his trousers, I guess that George felt the same way himself. By this time I’d been taking Aldactone for the last five days so there was no comparable stirring between my legs, but I did feel a wave of pleasure flow through me all the same.

I’d no great desire to bring our embrace to an end but after a minute or two the cabin door opened and Maria walked in, carrying her shopping. Immediately we sprang apart and both looked slightly embarrassed.

‘I am sorry, I come back later,’ she said.

‘No Maria, please stay,’ I replied, ‘George was just about to leave.’

I then turned to George and smiled,

‘So what time do you want to collect me this evening?’

He looked very happy.

‘How about seven thirty?’

‘That’ll be fine, I’ll look forward to it,’ I replied with a smile.

He left us without a further word.

As soon as the door closed Maria turned to me with a grin.

‘I am sorry Ally, I should have left a little more time for you to finish your embrace.’

‘You knew that he would be coming to see me this afternoon, didn’t you?’

‘Yes; your cousin rang me last night to say that I should make sure that you were looking your best and to leave you on your own for the afternoon. You appear to have made better use of the opportunity this time.’

‘Maybe; I’m not sure, but we are going out together tonight.’

‘Yes, I noticed that you were not sure. I believe that you are now a ‘saucy wench’.’

I laughed.

‘I suppose you are right, and what is more, I’ll have an opportunity to wear my new dress to prove it.’

On this occasion there was no argument between Maria and myself about whether or not my proposed dinner with George constituted ‘a date’ in the ‘romantic appointment,’ sense.

On Saturday afternoon I received a phone call from Carol.

‘Hi Ally, where are you?’

‘I’m on board, in my cabin.’

‘We’re at the dock gates and I’ve brought your suitcase containing all of Alex’s clothes, so you’d better come ashore and decide what you are going to do with them.’

‘Thanks, Carol, for all your trouble.’

‘You’re lucky that Beth’s Dad had offered to drive us both here, otherwise there might have been some awkward questions to answer from Mum.’

I joined them both at the Quayside, where I removed the address label from the case and quickly checked through the contents to make sure that it contained nothing that might identify me. I locked it shut using the combination lock.

‘So what are you planning to do with the case now, Ally?’ asked Beth.

‘Get rid of it of course. There will be no more trace of Alex after today.’

‘Are you sure you know what you are doing?’ asked Carol.

‘That’s a good question coming from someone who talked me into buying a dress the day before yesterday and then fixed me up with a date last night,’ I replied.

‘So you and George went out together last night,’ said Carol looking pleased with herself. ‘That’ll be a relief to everyone. So how did you get on? Have you sorted things out between yourselves?’

‘I believe so,’ I replied.

‘So what else happened?’ asked Beth.

‘What happens in Southampton, stays in Southampton,’ I replied, with a smile.

‘You will be staying in Southampton, in A&E, if you don’t at least give us a clue as to what happened last night, after we’ve lugged this case over here for you.’

‘Well George and I have agreed to be friends once again and we’ll also be working together on some new arrangements for us all.’

‘Good, but that isn’t all, is it?’

‘We’re going to play things by ear as to whether or not we want to take things any further but without any commitment on either side. We’ve arranged to go out together when the ship docks at Gibraltar in a couple of days, but there will be other times, such as when we visit Barcelona, when we will want to go our own way and do our own things. The main point is that he has promised to start treating me like a girl in future rather than trying to avoid me all the time.’

‘Good! Did he kiss you this time?’

‘Maybe, once or twice,’ I replied blushing.

By this time I’d started walking over to the luggage hall, opposite to the ship’s berth, taking my case, as I didn’t want to go in to any more detail about the events of the previous night. The guy behind the counter recognised me as a member of staff.

‘What can I do for you, love?’ he asked?’

‘This case has been found outside on the dockside. It’s locked and there appears to be no identification on it.’

‘You’d better put it through the scanner so we can make sure that it doesn’t contain anything dangerous or illegal,’ he instructed.

I did as he said. He carefully checked the screen

‘It seems to be alright, it only contains clothes. Put it over there in the corner, please’, he said indicating one or two other forlorn looking items of luggage.

I did as he said.

‘What happens to lost property?’ asked Carol.

‘If no one has claimed it within a week we’ll send it to the central lost property office. They’ll keep it for a few more weeks and eventually dispose of it.’

‘By the time we get back to Southampton there will no longer be any trace of Alex,’ I quietly said to my companions as we left and boarded the ship in preparation for our third voyage.

‘So when are you planning to notify your Mum and Dad?’ asked Carol.

‘I know that it will have to be soon, but I have some business to complete in Barcelona first,’ I replied.

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