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Chapter 23 The Final Reveal

‘You didn’t turn up for dinner, Ally,’ said Beth to me as we were getting ourselves ready for our evening show.

‘I know; I didn’t feel particularly hungry,’ I replied.

‘So the meeting with your Mum didn’t go too well, this afternoon,’ commented Carol.

‘We started off on quite good terms but, as usual, we ended up by having a row. She made it clear that she would be deeply embarrassed by the prospect of telling her friends that she now has a daughter rather than a son. She thinks that it’s all just a passing phase on my part and that I haven’t given the matter enough thought, which is her shorthand for my not doing what she wants me to.’

‘I get the impression that you have given the matter a lot of thought,’ said Carol.

‘As if ten years, or more, isn’t enough time for me to know my own mind!’ I said bitterly

‘Did you tell her about the hormones?’ Beth asked.

‘No, not yet,’ I replied, guiltily. ‘I intended to do so but decided it would have created even more of an upset. At least I’ve made it clear to her that Alex won’t be coming back.’

‘How did she react to that information?’

‘She has threatened to turn my picture to the wall and to cut me off without a penny, but I made it clear that such threats aren’t going to alter my decision.’

‘How about Uncle Jim?’ asked Carol.

‘I don’t think that she has said anything to my dad, as yet, just in case I can be brought to my senses. She’ll probably wait until she gets back to Bahrain before informing him that he no longer has a son. But in many ways he’ll be less of a problem than she is as he tends to be guided by whatever she thinks in domestic matters.’

‘Life is going to be a lot harder for you without their support,’ observed Beth.

‘I know, but if they were to prevent me from living my life as I need to do, then I would end up hating them both, and I don’t want to do that. So maybe it is just as well if they do disown me.’

’Don’t be too hard on your mother; after all it must be quite a lot for her to take in at one time,’ continued Carol. ‘Give her a day or two to get more used to the idea and then have another talk with her.’

‘Well she’s only with us on board for another nine days so I hope she doesn’t take too long about it.’

‘So you’re not expecting your mother to come to tonight’s performance,’ said Beth.

‘No, I think she has probably had enough of what she describes as “this foolishness” for one day.’

I was right; Mum didn’t turn up to see us perform that evening although Aunt Emma did so. She came up to the stage after the show.

‘I must say, the Honey Bunnies have come a long way since I last saw the three of you perform in Portsmouth,’ she said with a smile.

‘What do you think of our Bunny outfits?’ asked Beth.

‘A little revealing’ said Aunt Emm looking pointedly at the very short skirts, ‘but also quite glamorous.’

‘It’s probably just as well the Mum didn’t come tonight. I don’t think they would go down too well with her at the moment,’ I said.

‘I guess not,’ my aunt replied. ‘Ally, we’ve not really had much chance to talk together over the last few weeks, maybe you and I could do so now.’

‘Can you give me fifteen minutes to get myself changed and then we can go for a walk together on one of the upper decks,’ I suggested.

‘Yes, of course, I think it would be sensible for you to put on some slightly more normal looking clothes.’

I always enjoyed walking out on the upper decks during the warm nights whilst we were at sea. It was a place where you could clear your mind or have a quiet conversation away from the noise and the clamour on the rest of the ship.

‘So how are things between you and Mum?’ I asked as my Aunt and I stood looking out at the star-filled sky over the Ionian Sea.

She sighed and shook her head.

‘Not so good at present; just as I feared. She blames me for not keeping her informed as to what was happening.’

‘So she could have put a stop to it?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘But that isn’t fair; it was nothing to do with you, and in any event, I asked you not to say anything to her.’

‘Oh don’t worry she blames you as well; more so than me. She feels that we’ve both sprung the news on to her and put her in an awkward position where she’s trapped on board and cannot make a fuss about what you are doing in case it causes other people to lose their jobs.’

‘I suppose she’s right, I should have said something to them both but it wasn’t until the second voyage after Maria’s makeover that I truly realised how important Ally had become to my future happiness and that there could be no going back for me.’

My aunt nodded.

‘I began to suspect you might have gender identity ‘issues’ on the first occasion that I saw you dressed as Ally; you seemed to be so comfortable dressed as a girl. My suspicions were reinforced a few days later when I saw you perform as one of the Bunnies, and soon afterwards there was your job offer. However, I didn’t realise how serious things had become over the last few weeks.’

‘I asked Carol not to say too much to you until I better understood what was going on. That’s why I didn’t come back to Waterlooville after our last voyage. I knew that you would want to ask me some awkward questions and I didn’t want to be put in a situation where I couldn’t answer them truthfully.’

‘I now realise that. Also I understand from Carol that you’ve disposed of all of Alex’s clothes.’

‘Yes, as I said, there can be no going back for me now. In fact I’ve also started to take female hormones.’

‘When?’ asked my Aunt in a shocked voice.

‘Last week, I saw a doctor in Barcelona. It was the day that we spoke on the phone to say that you and Mum would be joining the cruise. I’ve taken them every day since then, and intend to continue to do so.’

'What will they do to you?'

'They will gradually make me look and feel more like a woman.

‘How long will it be before they start to take an effect?’

‘I think they’re already starting to have an effect on my emotions but it’ll be several months before it is noticeable to anyone else.’

‘Does your mother know?’

I looked down guiltily.

‘No, I was planning to tell her earlier this afternoon but then changed my mind as I thought she might totally freak out.’

‘That may well be so. When are you now planning to tell her.’

‘I suppose I’ll have to write to them both after she has returned from the cruise.’

‘I just hope you have thought carefully about the implications of what you are doing.’

‘I’ll be taking them under medical supervision.’

My aunt didn’t seem entirely satisfied with that answer.

‘Aunt Emma, this isn’t a sudden thing in my life. I’ve been building up to this decision since I was a young child. I honestly tried to explain to Mum and Dad many years ago but they wouldn’t take me seriously. They assumed that a child couldn’t possibly know what was right for them.’

Despite a concerted effort on my part to stop them, tears now came to my eyes as I recalled those conversations with my parents.

‘Now at the age of eighteen I’ve realised that I’m at last free to make my own decisions. Joining the Bunnies has been a wonderful opportunity for me to discover who I really am.’

‘That may be so, but things would be a lot easier for you and for everybody else if you can take your parents along with you.’

‘I know that. I’d truly love to be accepted by them as Ally but I’m no longer willing to sacrifice my future happiness and sanity just to be the son that they always wanted,’

‘I can see that.’

‘So what do you think I should do?’

‘You must realise that she‘s going to need some time to come round and then bring your father round as well. I know that to you it may seem like a wonderful new beginning to your life, and you can’t wait to make progress, but to her it must seem as if she’s losing her son.’

‘I’m afraid that she’s already lost her son but it could be an opportunity for her to gain a daughter, if only she’s willing to take it.’

‘I can see that, but maybe she can’t, at the moment. Perhaps you could write her some kind of letter of apology,’ my Aunt suggested.

‘But I don’t feel that I need to apologise for wanting to be who I am. I didn't choose to be this way. If anyone should apologise, it should be them, to me.’

‘Perhaps apology is the wrong word, but maybe you could write a note of explanation for what has happened to you without assigning any blame. Then give her a few days to digest it and come round.’

‘Should I tell her about the hormones?’

‘I think from now onwards you should be totally honest with her and the sooner the better. I can’t think of a better way of convincing her that you are truly in earnest. She may well freak out when she discovers what you’ve been doing, but I’ll be there to help her through the crisis. She’ll be angry with me for not telling her before now, but I can honestly say that I knew nothing about the hormones.

‘Nor did Carol, I told nobody in the family until afterwards.

‘I hope that she’ll still listen to what I say and I’ll do my utmost to make sure that she doesn’t do anything which might cost you or the others your jobs.’

‘Alright, I’ll do my best, and thanks for all your help, Aunt Emma.’

‘Well, good luck, Ally. Whatever happens with your parents, I’ll always be happy to have you as my niece.’

I smiled and began to dry my eyes. My aunt and I went our separate ways to different parts of the ship.

‘Those hormones really are beginning to impact on my emotional state, I thought to myself, but it was the physical changes that I was longing for.

The morning after my conversations with Mum and my aunt, the ship was due to call at Corfu as the first port of call on our return journey. George had previously asked if I would like to come ashore with him for a few hours, but I’d excused myself just in case Mum had relented and wanted me to go ashore with her. Once it became clear that this wasn’t going to happen, I decided to spend my free hours in my cabin with my laptop. I took the autobiography that I’d compiled for Dr Martinez and adapted into a version aimed at my parents. The new account was somewhat longer and attempted to explain what had been going on in my head regarding my gender identity, for as long as I could remember. In doing so I recalled several incidents and feelings from my childhood and through my early teens, when I should have said something to them, but I'd kept quiet instead. I recalled the painful occasion, as a nine year old, when I did eventually pluck up courage to try to explain, only to have all my feelings and concerns dismissed as a passing childish fantasy. Eventually, when I was satisfied with the new account I printed out a copy using Maria’s printer. I also printed out a couple of useful documents giving advice to the parents of transgendered teenagers and on the likely impacts of HRT, which I’d discovered on the internet, and attached them to the document, hoping that, if she didn’t believe me, she might do someone else with more experience.

In an accompanying handwritten letter addressed to both my parents I explained that I felt that I could no longer continue life as a young man and so had consulted a doctor in Spain and had begun hormone replacement therapy to assist with my transition to full-time life as a woman. I didn’t go into any further detail as I felt the less they knew about the mechanics of the process and how I funded my treatment the better. I said that this was entirely my own decision taken without the knowledge of, or consultation with, my Aunt or my cousin. I expressed regret that, for a variety of reasons, I hadn’t felt able to discuss my plans with them or to keep them informed of my decisions before this time but considered this to be essential for my long term mental health and physical well-being. I didn’t assign blame, nor offer any apology; I merely portrayed the situation as I saw it. I ended by saying that I truly hoped that they would be able to accept me in my new identity, whilst making it clear that reversion to the ‘status quo ante’ was not an option for me. I signed the note, ‘your loving daughter, Alexandra.’ I sealed everything in a large envelope, addressed it to Mum and arranged for it to be delivered to her cabin. It would be there to await her as soon as she returned from her shore excursion. Once she had opened it and read the contents there would be nothing left for her to discover and I would have to face the implications of all my decisions.

Neither Mum nor Aunt Emma turned up to see our evening show, which was probably just as well as I was not performing at my best. I kept having visions about the drama that was no doubt unfolding in their cabin with accusations made against myself and Aunt Emma and urgent telephone calls made or emails sent to summon my father from Bahrain.

During the Bunny Hop the following morning I was able to keep my promise to our two young fans by accompanying them on the keyboard whilst they performed their party piece. They weren’t at all bad and we all offered them our congratulations. Like so many girl singers, I doubted whether they would be able to make it to the big time, but like me and the other Bunnies they would have happy memories to brighten their future lives.

After the session Carol wanted to speak with me.

‘Mum wants to have a quick word with you but doesn’t want your mother to know that she is doing so. I’ve borrowed the key to the lads’ dressing room since they won’t be using it this morning. Would you go and wait for her; she’ll join you as soon as the coast is clear.’

‘That sounds a bit ominous,’ I said taking the key from her.

Carol gave me a sympathetic smile, but didn’t respond, so I assumed that I was right. Ten minutes later my aunt joined me for our secret rendezvous.

‘How did things go with Mum?’ I asked.

‘Not good, I’m afraid. We had a good time together ashore at Corfu and she forgot about her troubles but then she came back and found your package. I’ve been awake half the night trying to calm her down.’

‘I did my best to break it to her gently and to provide her with background reading.’

‘I know but she doesn’t see it that way. As far as she’s concerned you’ve sprung the news on to her when she was on her own without your Dad being present.’

‘But can’t she see that it’s my life; I have to do what is right for me.’

‘Of course she can; that’s part of the trouble; she realises that in the last resort there’s nothing she or anyone else can do to stop you.’

‘So what is she doing now?’

‘At the moment she’s busy emailing your father and telling him to leave whatever he’s doing and come over and meet the ship when it docks at Southampton next week.’

‘I thought as much but that isn’t going to make any difference to me. I’ve now started my transition and will continue taking the hormones for as long as necessary to achieve my object. I want to be on good terms with my family, continue my education and get a steady and worthwhile job, but if I have to sacrifice all those things in order to become the woman I feel myself to be, then so be it.’

‘I don’t think you’ll need to go selling your body on Southampton Docks quite just yet, but you must realise it’s going to take time for your parents to come round.’

‘So what should I do now?’ I asked.

‘I suggest that you should both keep out of one another’s way, at least for the remainder of the voyage. She won’t want to come and see you perform, and it might be as well for you to avoid the public areas at other times.’

‘I’ll do my best but it won’t always be possible. I do have other duties on board than just performing.’

‘I know and I’ll endeavour to keep the two you apart, just in case there should be a row in public.’

‘Thanks for all your help.’

‘I know just how upsetting it can be when families fall out with one another. Your cousin Susan still blames me for breaking up with your Uncle, that’s why she left us to join him a few months ago. I suspect that in time though she’ll learn the truth, that neither of us was entirely to blame.’

She then looked at her watch.

‘I’d better go now before your mother begins to wonder where I am, but I’ll keep you informed how things are progressing through Carol.’

I wasn’t really surprised by the way things had worked out with Mum but nevertheless felt quite depressed by her reaction. I never doubted for one moment, though, the rightness of what I was doing, with or without the support of my parents. I therefore went to find George to ask him to have a coffee and a chat with me as I felt I’d been neglecting him ever since my mother’s arrival.

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