Easy As Falling Off A Bike pt 2750

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The Daily Dormouse.
(aka Bike, est. 2007)
Part 2750
by Angharad

Copyright© 2015 Angharad

  
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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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(Wow! Three quarters towards the third millennial episode – I don’t believe it.)

“What are you doing tomorrow?” I asked Simon as we loaded the dishwasher after dinner.

“There’s rugby on all over the weekend, the biggie tomorrow is England Wales at Twickenham.”

“When’s that?”

“In the evening, eight o’clock or something like that. Why?”

“Looks like I’ll have to do a dormouse survey of a wood near Petersfield.”

“Couldn’t you get one of your lackeys to do it?”

“If I could, would I be saying I had to do it?”

“What for this time?”

“Solar panel development—they want to clear fell a wood.”

“What are they, stupid?”

“No, probably greedy. Farmers find it easier to lease land for such things than cull badgers.”

“Can’t Natural England or whoever, stop them?”

“Who d’you think called the bat-phone?”

“Ah, don’t tell me you want me to do the survey for you?” He sniggered and I came close to saying something we’d both regret.

Instead I said, “Si, the last time you went dormousing you got shot. I’ve never actually shown you what you need to look for, so I doubt you’d be able to do it for me even if you wanted to.”

“So, you want me to babysit?”

“If you could. I’d need about three hours.”

He sighed, “Just this once, but I want to watch the England Wales Game undisturbed and Scotland on Sunday.”

“I’ll do what I can to facilitate that.”

“You got a deal.”

“Thank you, darling.” I kissed him and Trish came through saying something about, ‘get a room.’ Fortunately both of us laughed.

“Why don’t you take her with you tomorrow?”

“I could, possibly Danielle as well, she enjoys it.”

“I’m amazed she can see anything through all that mascara.”

“She’s a teenager, they do things like that.”

“Did you?”

“I did when I had the chance, which wasn’t very often.”

“I keep forgetting—sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

“Didn’t I see some pictures of you with Siân at Weston Super Mare on some donkeys?”

“I thought I’d hidden those.”

“I could only see two young women.”

I blushed my reply.

“And there was that one of you shovelling muck from wotsisface’s house.”

“Marc Absolom.”

“Yeah him—he came to dinner, didn’t he?”

“I didn’t have any makeup on in either of those photos. In fact I wasn’t in girl mode in either until, in the first I fell in the mud at the beach and ended up in Siân’s spare clothes and in the second, Marc’s mother mistook me for a girl because of my long hair.”

“Babes, she didn’t mistake you for a girl—it was the others being blind or dumb in mistaking you for a boy. There was no boy there, you are and always have been female—just the plumbing was wrong.”

I shrugged—I so wanted to agree with him—I did agree with him, but lots of my contemporaries would not have done—then they enjoyed what they thought was queer-bashing. Got news for ya fellahs, you were wrong and Marc’s mother was right.

The next morning, Danielle, Trish and I set off to do the survey. I had all my usual stuff including my camera. We arrived at the woodland and heard heavy machinery. To our dismay there were men taking down trees with diggers. I called Helen Madison who said she’d get there as soon as she could and to ask them to stop.

I left the girls standing by the car and walked up to the man who seemed to be in charge. “Get lost, darlin’ this is no place for girlies walking their dogs.”

“Please stop your felling immediately?”

“I’ve got a job to do, so get lost before I have you removed for your own safety.”

“Look here, you supercilious moron, this work is illegal until I’ve done a survey.”

“Oh yeah, and who might you be?”

“Professor Cathy Watts from Portsmouth University.”

“Survey for what? If you’ve come to hug a tree missus, you’re too late.”

“Dr Helen Maddison is on her way here from Natural England. If you don’t wait for her before you fell anything else, I’ll happily give evidence in a court of law and see you bankrupted as well as fined for every potential dormouse you’ve disturbed.”

“You’re that dormouse woman, aren’t you?”

“What of it?”

“Bloody things are more important than keeping the lights on are they?”

“If you think a few solar panels are going to make much difference in the general scheme of things, you must be more stupid than I thought.”

“I’d have thought you’d have been in favour of them, being into nature an’ all.”

“I am in the right place, but this isn’t it.”

“Well the council seems to think it is.”

“They do what Natural England tells them.”

“Too bad she’ll be too late, innit?” he laughed and nodded at the driver of the digger which smashed down an ash tree and went on destroying several smaller trees.

“I shall see you ruined.”

“Won’t save your wood.”

I called the police and as soon as they heard my name they said they’d send a car. He heard me talking to the police and became a little more conciliatory. “There’s no need for the police, I’m sure we could sort this between us.”

“Like some of these trees, it’s too late. I’m going to make sure you pay for your patronising and bullying attitude.”

“How d’you plan to do that—it’s just a misunderstanding between us?”

“Is it now, my recorder won’t agree with that.”

“You can’t use that in court, you tricked me.”

“I asked you politely to stop, you refused. I told you to stop and you told your man to continue destroying trees. Some of these trees are over a hundred years old, if left alone they’d be here long after your stupid solar panels have given up the ghost. You have vandalised this woodland, I’m going to ask Dr Maddison to prosecute you.”

“It won’t work, they never do and I’ll put the word out that you wasted your time, Professor or whatever you are.”

“To you, I may as well be called Nemesis, because I’m going to make it my business to make you pay for your patronising and bullying behaviour.”

“Yeah, sure. When the cops get here I’m gonna make them escort you away. This is no place for women and their children, so go home.”

“I think you might be somewhat disappointed you arrogant little pipsqueak.”

“You are really funny, you know that—not shorta balls—but funny.”

“She who laughs last laughs longest.”

I was aware of one of his workers making a call, probably to the landowner or someone similar. Minutes later as the stand-off continued a police car arrived followed by Helen’s Land Rover.

In the ensuing discussion, the contractor was told to desist and he refused. The landowner arrived and ordered everyone from the land except his contractors. To her credit, Helen stood her ground and I supported her. The contractor started shouting at her and a scuffle started with the landowner, a farmer, pushing her over. The young copper, who must have been six foot three or four arrested him and dragged him off to the police car. I helped Helen up and the contractor came rushing at me yelling abuse, Danielle intervened and tripped him up, he ended up face down in the mud. On rising from this with everyone laughing at him he rushed at me again and I let him come then tipped him over my hip whereupon the second copper grabbed him and arrested him as well. Helen told the workforce to leave or face arrest as well. They eventually sloped off in a very sullen manner.

“Have you got time to still do a survey, Cathy?”

“You coming to watch?” I invited her.

“Yeah, might as well.”

“Girls, this is Helen. Helen, this is Danielle and the younger one is Trish. Let’s go and find some dormice.”

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Comments

Of course the political conservatives hate this sort of thing

They would say that the landowner has the absolute right to do whatever they want with the land. Wrong. Eminent domain rules, so tough. Conservatives would hate to block anybody from making a buck as it 'creates jobs.' Again, tough.

Thank you for taking a stand Cathy ( but not taking that stand of trees, I mean ;-) )

I truly, truly love it......

D. Eden's picture

When someone stupidly stereotypes all political conservatives. Stereotyping is of course not confined to any one group, but I have noticed that liberals love to lump anyone who has conservative political or economic leanings into one all encompassing herd. They would have us all wearing horns and breathing fire and brimstone.

Yes, I am a political and economic conservative - I don't believe in big government. I don't believe that higher taxes and creating more and bigger beauracracies solves anything. I believe that government should protect the people, not tell us how to live, what we can eat or drink, or decide who should get what jobs.

However, I am not some lockstep Neo-Nazi who would bulldoze the world and pave it all.

Just once it would be nice if a few of the liberal readers on this site would finally realize that like them we are all individuals, and some of us even think for ourselves - as amazing as that may seem.

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

I assume you are in the US, mate?

I do not recall addressing this directly at you. But if I read it right, the US conservatives would consider UK conservatives 'liberal'. UK conservatives should be considered Moderate by comparison though I still question their support of environmental protection with the exception of taxing Carbon.

Stupid, stupid man, or should

Stupid, stupid man, or should I say men; as the landowner was just as bad as the contractor supervisor.

When

When are they gonna learn, it doesn't pay to mess with Cathy. Seems like there would be some kind of an urban legend or something about the Dormouse whisperer/ Pension killer/ Punisher of assholes.

nomad

When you’re in a hole…?

Rhona McCloud's picture

Stop digging! Cathy has always been a force to be reckoned with but now she has matured she is developing a touch of the Penelope Keith's - as in ‘to the Manor Born’. I wanted to tell the contractor "You're in a hole so stop digging."

Danni seems to be picking up some of her Mum's strength of character too (hope she doesn't tease Simon too much over the rugby result).

Rhona McCloud

Wouldn't it be great....

that even if they don't find any hard evidence of doormice they were able to find and confirm (knowing how fast Trish is with a camera phone) hard evidence of one or more other species on the do not disturb list.

Bristling

Podracer's picture

'Er ladyship steaming into action again, full o' wrath, and rightly too. Though it's a bit early on a Sunday morning for me to use so much adrenaline over the porridge.

"Reach for the sun."

A lovely episode

I am amazed that others haven't picked up on the fact that this is the 2750 episode. This is a wonderful achievement Angharad.
That your story continues to be so fresh, thought provoking, funny and punny is a godsend to this member of your family of fans.
Love to all
Anne G.

So what happens

if they find dead dormice from this lout's actions? I suspect the fat would sizzle then.

Reminds me of an old saying, that doesn't apply in this case, When reason fails, force prevails.

Sadly cases of

developers clearing whatever is in their way happen far too often , There was a case a while back in the village where i live, The owner of an hotel (the only one in the village) decided there was more money to be made out of running a care home , In order to maximize his profit he needed to build an extension , Trouble was there was trees in his way,Trees that were protected because of their age, So he did what all greedy people do , Chopped them down safe in the knowledge that the fine he would be given for breaking the law would be covered many times over by the profits he would make ... Maybe if a few months inside a prison had been an option he might not have been so trigger happy...

Kirri