The Daily Dormouse. (aka Bike, est. 2007) Part 2762 by Angharad Copyright© 2015 Angharad

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This is a work of fiction any mention of real people, places or institutions is purely coincidental and does not imply that they are as suggested in the story.
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The drive up to the wood was uneventful until we got near to the top of the hill and there were cars parked along both sides of the road and bunging up gateways to fields as well. Given the situation as it was, I spotted a gap and managed to park my Jaguar in between a car and VW camper–probably owned by a hippie, friends of the earth type.

I know I’m stereotyping but I imagine him as handknitted sweaters and corduroy pants and her as ethnic print ankle length skirts. They probably both have long hair in ponytails. They may be Guardian readers or perhaps the Independent and they feel passionately about the environment, though their driving force is more likely to be emotional than logical. Having said that I appealed to their emotions to try and prevent more damage occurring, though if I really plan to stop him, it will have to be with science. The court will require that we can demonstrate reasonable evidence of the presence of dormice and show that the actions of the landowner are hazardous to these protected animals. Mind you it seems bleedin’ obvious that if the things live in trees and depend upon them for food and shelter, then chopping down the aforementioned trees will have a deleterious effect upon them.

A little further up the road we spotted Helen’s Land Rover and from slightly ahead of that the sound of multiple voices and the blue flashing lights of a police car or two. We walked a little faster and sure enough there was quite a crowd of people chanting, ‘Save the trees,’ or it might have something about cheesemakers. “Save our dormice,” shouted the crowd and of course Trish joined in yards before we got to them.

“Ah Professor,” Helen called to me beckoning, she had a uniformed policeman with a lot of braid on his hat and shoulders, “this is Chief Inspector Godrick. Chief Inspector, this is Professor Watts, the leading expert on dormice and woodland ecology.”

“Professor,” nodded the copper. “So it was you who started this melee was it?”

“I’m not sure what you mean, Inspector.”

“Wasn’t it you who stuck this on the internet and encouraged all these hooligans to support you, stopping a farmer from going about his lawful business?”

“No, that was me,” said Trish loudly.

“I’m talking to your mother,” so beat it little girl was implied but not said.

“She doesn’t know how to get on facebook or tweet, she’s too thick.”

I blushed but I recognised what she was doing, drawing his fire because he could hardly do anything to a child in front of the press, and I spotted someone moving forward with a large camcorder.

“Look here um...”

“Trish,” she stood to her full height.

“Trish, I can’t believe you’re capable of stirring up this hornet’s nest.”

“She probably is,” said Helen, then added quietly, “she has the IQ of rocket scientist.”

“Yes but she’s only...”

“I’m ten, so I know what I’m talking about. Just ‘cos I’m a kid people don’t take me seriously, but I’ve helped you lot catch a couple of criminals...” I watched the copper reject this simply by his body language. “...An’ my mother’s caught lots for you, but you’re too dumb to see it.”

The copper stiffened and was about to say something when I intervened, she could tell him where to go but she had to remain civil. He looked at me. I didn’t look anything special having stood around for two hours watching my girls play soccer. “Should I know you?” he said.

“I told you, she’s Professor Watts, the country’s leading expert on dormice,” said Helen.

“Dormouse lady,” he muttered then after a tiny pause said, “Lady Dormouse,” he flinched and looked carefully at me. “You’re Lady something or other as well aren’t you?” the look he gave me was like he’d just sat in something cold and wet.”

“She’s Lady Cameron, don’t you know anything?” Trish lumped into him.

“Trish, please, don’t be so rude.”

“Well, he’s thicker than you.” She wandered off in apparent disgust with Danni who was itching to see the people chained to the trees.
“Be careful girls,” I shouted after them.

“Don’t tell me your other girl is international sport’s personality of the year?”

“No, but she has played for England ladies in soccer.”

“I don’t believe this,” he muttered, “I’ve got a riot on my hands and I’ve just met the Addam’s family.”

Helen snorted.

“I think the others might be more at risk from them,” muttered the copper. “Professor um Lady Cameron, why did you start this business.”

“I didn’t, Imspector Godrick.”

“Uh, Chief Inspector,” he said as if to suggest he could assert his status as well.

“Quite, Inspector,” I continued deliberately ignoring his comment, “I didn’t start anything, the hooligan is the farmer who continued to damage this site despite being informed there were dormice present and being requested to desist the felling by the Natural England officer, Helen. We conducted a survey a few days ago and concluded that there was sufficient evidence to say dormice were present in the woodland with near certainty.”

“Ah, so you can’t be sure then?” said the Inspector firmly.

“No, because the vandals with the chainsaws and mechanical diggers might have killed them all. He’s disturbing a protected animal, it’s he who should be arrested.”

“Are you trying to tell me how to do my job, Lady Cameron?”

“Good gracious no,” I said and could have added, but Trish would have.

“My first priority is to protect people, though some of them climbing trees and chaining themselves to the top is making that very difficult.”

“If you stopped the landowner vandalising the site I could possibly persuade most of them to go home.”

“If we can’t stop them, I doubt even someone as clever as your daughter couldn’t do it.”

“I didn’t say Trish, I said I would ask them to disperse but only if you can promise to stop the felling.”

“I can’t tell a landowner what to do on his land.”
“If he’s committing a crime, you can.”

“What crime?” boy, Trish was right he is dumber than I.

“Helen could you please inform this gentleman which section of the Wildlife and countryside act prevents disturbance or harm to dormice. I must go and see where my girls are.”

I walked off quite quickly leaving Helen to sort out our dim guardian of the law. In a few minutes I found a whole group of people standing around and laughing. When I got to the back of the crowd I could see Trish standing on a fallen tree, saying something and making them laugh. Danni said something to her and she stopped in mid-sentence and looked at the throng before her, “My mummy is here somewhere, yes, there she is. She’s the one you want to speak to you.”

I pushed my way through, “What have you been saying to them?” I hissed at her wondering how I was going to follow her address, which was probably something like the address by the King before Agincourt in Henry V.

“Nothin’, just thankin’ them for savin’ the wood.”

“Okay,” I cleared my throat as I turned round to face our supporters, perhaps this was my chance to do a Jack Kennedy during the Bay Of Pigs crisis. The crowd fell silent. “Uh, thanks for coming to help us save this woodland, which I’m pretty certain has dormice occupying it–oh, I’m Cathy Watts, professor of biological sciences at Portsmouth and I suppose I do know bit about dormice.”

“You got one in yer bra, then Cathy?” called some wag from the back causing a ripple of laughter to travel faster then the blush which was speeding up my body.

“Not today,” I smiled embarrassedly.

“Pity,” he called back. Typical bloke, got to make mention of anything slightly risque.

Right, how do I ask them all to go home? Oh well, here goes...