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The Might-Have-Been Girl A novel by Bronwen Welsh Copyright 2015

Chapter 12   A star is born

Now that I had Mum's blessing for what I proposed to do, my next task was to speak to Duncan and David. Duncan had the use of a small office at the theatre, so I arranged a meeting with them both a couple of days later, after a morning rehearsal. I told Emma what I was going to do and she offered to come along but I said that this was something I should do myself. In retrospect, I'm sure they had no idea what I was about to ask them and probably thought it would be a request for more pay.

When I entered the office, my heart rate was at least one hundred beats a minute. I was glad that they had arranged three chairs in a circle, so I didn't have to face them over a desk. After we were seated, Duncan said: “Well, Harriet, what can we do for you?”

“I've come to ask you a favour, in confidence at the moment,” I began. “As you know, I've been acting the role of a female both on and off stage for over five weeks now. The thing is, I have come to realise that I am not acting, apart from on the stage that is. From a young age, I knew that I was different from other boys but I didn't really know where the difference lay. Now that I do, I intend to continue living as a girl full-time and seek medical advice about gender transition once I have been doing so long enough to convince my doctor that this is the right thing for me.”

Duncan and David looked at each other but said nothing, so I continued.

“The reason I wanted to see you today was to ask if you are able to continue employing me as assistant stage manager while I present as a female?”

“And what would you do if we said no?” enquired Duncan.

“Then I would have to regretfully tender my resignation as this is too important to me to abandon for the sake of a job, much though I love doing it.”

“Thank you for your honesty,” said Duncan. “Would you mind waiting outside the office for a couple of minutes while David and I confer?”

“Of course not,” I said and stood up. Rather to my surprise, Duncan and David stood up too. I had always known they are gentlemen but this acknowledgment of my female status came as something of a surprise.

I was only waiting outside for a few minutes when I was asked back into the office. I tried to read from their expressions what they had decided and was concerned that they looked rather serious.

Duncan said “David and I have discussed your request and we are very happy to offer you continuing employment as assistant stage manager. What is more, if roles arise in the future for which you are suitable, we hope that you will consider auditioning for them. The day you came to work for Apollo Players was a very fortunate one for us, and we really appreciate all that you've done for the company.”

Both their faces broke out into broad smiles as did mine. Then we all stood up and both men hugged me and kissed me on the cheek.

“How would you like to handle this?” asked David. “Would you like me to make an announcement to the company while you are not present? Quite frankly, by now the whole company is so used to seeing you as a female that I don't think it will make any difference to them. Oh, by the way, we intend to give you a pay rise when you go back to being ASM. It can't be as high as the actors but it will be more than you have been earning until now.”

So that was how the Apollo Players came to know that Harriet Stow would now be employed by the company. David was right, it made absolutely no difference to how people treated me. Thinking back I could hardly have worked for a better organisation in which to change how I presented myself. Everyone was so used to seeing cast members appear in different guises that I'm sure the general attitude was 'So Harriet is staying on, so what?'

On Wednesday of our final week, we had some free time as there was only an evening performance. The previous day, Emma had said “Now that Harriet is staying, you need some more clothes of your own. I suggest some more sets of underwear so you only have to wash clothes once a week. Most girls of your age would have a basic wardrobe, so you have some catching up to do. I recommend that you don't go out and buy a lot of clothes at first since fashions change, and also you will need time to find out what suits you. I know you prefer to wear skirts and dresses, and that is understandable, but there are times when trousers or jeans are more practical. Another suggestion I have is, if you have no objection to wearing good second-hand clothes, you can find some lovely clothes and shoes at places like the British Red Cross shop in Chelsea or the Oxfam shop, at a fraction of their original price. Some of them are scarcely worn; I even found a lovely skirt with the price tag still on it.”

“How could that happen?” I asked.

“Well, it either came from a shop that was getting rid of last season's stock that they couldn't sell, or someone bought it, decided it didn't suit them and never got around to taking it back. Then when they decided to purge their closet out it went. Oh, by the way, never be afraid to take something back if you buy it and decided it doesn't suit you; women do that all the time.”

'Thank goodness for older sisters. I'm learning so much about being a woman,' I thought.

So off we went to the Red Cross shop and for less than two hundred pounds and with Emma's advice, I came away with two lovely woolen skirts one of which I planned to wear when I spent my last Sunday with Reggie for a while, a lemon yellow cotton dress that I wouldn't be wearing until summer, but was too good to pass up, a pair of grey linen trousers and two pairs of jeans. I also found two pairs of pumps, one with three-inch and one with five-inch heels. Finally, I bought a bigger suitcase in which to carry my clothes back to Bridchester!

The Saturday of the final performance arrived. The 'house full' sign went up and some people who had left their run to purchase tickets too late were turned away disappointed. The curtain came down to a standing ovation and all the female members of the cast, myself included were presented with large bouquets of flowers on stage. Duncan and David came on-stage to make a brief speech thanking everyone, cast and crew, and of course especially pointing out Sir Edgar Blackley who was seated in the Royal Box together with his wife, son and two daughters. I couldn't help wondering if his wife knew about his philandering, because I was sure Emma wasn't his only conquest. I decided she probably did and like some women in her situation chose to ignore it and not jeopardise the comfortable life she led. I did not mentally criticise her for that; perhaps she had lovers too, and since women are far more discrete than men, if she did, Sir Edgar probably knew nothing about it.

The 'after-show' party was then held for the cast and crew, and the Blackley family attended. I was introduced to his wife by Sir Edgar. While he made no mention of my gender, thank goodness, I had little doubt that she knew all about me.

“Very well done, my dear,” she said. “I had tears in my eyes when the curtain came down at the end of Act Two.”

“Thank you Lady Blackley,” I said. “I've loved playing the part.”

It was well after midnight by the time we got back to the hotel and got into bed. I had indulged in a couple of glasses of champagne and I confess it had gone to my head a bit, so in no time I was fast asleep.

Reggie had asked where I wanted to go for our last Sunday outing, and I suggested Regents Park. I wanted to visit the London Zoo, but I knew there was a lot more to the park than that. Emma had told me that she was catching up with an old school friend who was now married with two children and had an invitation to her house in Chelsea for the afternoon and dinner.

“I won't be back at the hotel until at least nine o'clock, maybe later,” she said. At the time I wondered why she made a point of telling me that.

We'd had a wonderful run of sunny weather for our Sundays out, and this was no exception. I decided to wear my new (if second-hand) green woollen skirt with black opaque tights and my new pumps with three-inch heels. Emma loaned me her leather jacket to wear over her white silk top with my own new white camisole underneath. The weather might be cool but I felt very warm and comfortable.

Reggie was on time as usual and we walked to the station and took the tube to Camden Town station and enjoyed the fifteen-minute walk hand in hand to the zoo. Zoos are so much nicer nowadays. Mum told me how they used to have small cages where animals paced up and down behind the bars all day, but now they have large enclosures which resemble as far as possible their natural habitat.

Something unusual happened as we were walking along one of the paths between enclosures. A family consisting of a mother, father and two teenage girls was walking towards us. I noticed that the girls seemed to be looking at me and chatting animatedly first with each other and then with their parents. We moved to the side of the path to let them pass, but they stopped and the father who looked a bit embarrassed said. “Excuse me, I hope you won't think me rude but my eldest daughter is convinced that you performed in the play 'Dear Brutus' that she went to see with her school last Tuesday afternoon.”

“Yes, I played the part of Margaret, the 'might-have-been girl'. I'm surprised you recognised me out of costume,” I said with a smile.

“I thought you were awesome Miss Stow,” said the older girl. “All the girls were crying when you lost your father.” She blushed and continued “I'd love to be an actor myself.”

“I'm sure your parents would never forgive me if I didn't point out that acting is hard work, and you have to audition for every role, not always successfully. Everyone advises that you should have another job to fall back on if you go through lean times. That happens to everyone, even some of the most famous actors, so my advice is to keep studying hard and make sure you get some qualifications for another job,” I said.

Both parents smiled their thanks at my little lecture to their daughter, given as though I had years of acting experience! She solemnly promised that she would take my advice to heart.

She hesitated for a moment and then said. "Miss Stow, could I possibly have a picture with you and my sister please?"

"Jennifer, that's a bit cheeky of you," said her mother.

"No, that's fine, I'm happy to oblige," I said.

Her father had a camera slung around his neck, so we walked to the side of the path to get a nice background; the two girls posed on either side of me, and their dad took our picture. To be honest I was flattered to be recognised. I know there are some 'stars' who object to being approached, but I think they should remember that without the fans they wouldn't be getting paid.

The family thanked me for my kindness and went on their way. Reggie, who had stood back while this encounter went on took my hand again and said: “I will have to get used to dating a star!”

I grimaced. “What are the odds of that happening in a city of over eight million people?” I said.

“Well a few thousand people have seen you on stage by now,” Reggie replied. “Anyway, I was proud of how you handled the family.”

We continued our tour of the zoo, had some lunch and afterwards walked up Primrose Hill to look over London.

“I'm going to miss London,” I murmured.

“And me?” asked Reggie.

“Especially you,” I replied as he hugged me and we kissed. The sun was setting and the air was starting to get chilly. I suddenly remembered what Emma had told me about being out until late evening and realised why.

“It's getting a bit chilly to stay out much longer,” said Reggie. “What would you like to do now?”

“Would you call me a 'brazen hussy' if I mentioned that Emma is out at an old girlfriend's place until late evening, so we could have the hotel room to ourselves for a few hours?” I said.

Reggie smiled “I rather like the idea of being with a 'brazen hussy' in a hotel room,” he said.

So it was that we had a very enjoyable evening back at Finsbury Park. Emma rang me about nine-thirty. I answered the phone and hoped she didn't notice that I was breathing hard. It was to let me know that her friend's husband was driving her back to the hotel and that she would be there at about ten o'clock. That gave Reggie just enough time to get dressed and for us to share one last kiss. It was a bittersweet moment. I knew I'd be seeing him again, but it wouldn't be for some weeks. As for myself, there was no point in getting dressed again, so I removed my remaining clothes, put on my nightie, straightened the bed and started packing my suitcase ready for our trip back to Bridchester the next day.

When Emma arrived I asked how her day had been and she asked about mine – 'Fine' being the answer to both questions. I had little doubt that she knew Reggie had spent time with me in our room, but then she had indirectly given us her blessing when she made a point of telling me for how long she would be out.

I climbed into bed as she got undressed and imagined myself in Reggie's arms once more before going to sleep.

To be continued

I would like to acknowledge the assistance of Louise Anne in proofreading the text and giving me a great deal of useful advice about modern-day Britain to incorporate in the story.