Tragedy of the Spirit part 9 Back to where it Began or is it......

This is maybe not what you think. Maybe it might be. I never went home. I went back to meet Jenn and some of the freinds I knew. I had a slight fear when ia rrived back that I would run into that little creep Adam. I was also affraid I wouold run into my parent. I was frightened actually. I also knew that there was no chance in hell I would go back to that hellhole. I guess in a way I grew up really quickly. I sure had alot of thoughts and feelings about what I was doing and they scared me to to death at times.

I wondered what kind of reception I would have when I went home to see Jenn. She told me I could stay with her. She moved to a better apartment downtown with cheaper rent. She still worked at her job and was taking some courses in mangement.

When I pulled myself off the GreyHound bus at 7 am in the morning after a day and a half of riding the bus. I was tired and needed a meal. She hugged me and welcomed me home. She mentioned to em that I looked worn out and old. I felt I was old. I gained age while on the road. I sure felt like I was in my mid thirties by the time I got myslef settled on her couch that night after we had pizza.

The following day I lounged about, while Jenn went shopping. I was still tired and looked very much like "hell". Trust me I felty like it as well. I hada soaking bath, cleaned up alot, did my laundry which needed it seriously I had stains on my skirts, jacket and tops. I had mentioned to Jenn if I got the gumption I would venture to the bank. I did not as I was awoken by Jenn several hours later. I fell asleep in the tub. How stupid to do that I I hurt even worse that I was when I arrived on the bus. Sheesh. I decided to talk to her about my travles.

( here I will use the Initials of the two people conversing)

J: " I am anxious to hear your stories of your trips"
M: " Very exciting and very painful at times"
J: "What do you mean Painful?"
M: " being raped, and sometimes abused by my clients"

The look on her face was somewhat pale. We continued.

M: " I traveled to five cities, I met alot of people and I had some interesting experiences"
J: "How so?" she asked with concern.
M: "Well, I would be picked up on the corner and takin to a secluded area and was given money. I only charged what I knew I wanted and I guess I was a cheap hooker. I would charge twenty for a BJ, 40 for a fuck and 50 for the both"
Her eyes bulged out when I stated that. She got really concerned with my last statement.

I cut her off before I knew what her question was going to be. " NO i do not have any STD's " I got checked every week by the walk in clinics. I felt a sense of releif come over her when I stated that.
Then she went to ask me if I met any rich guys, I told her about my seventeenth birthday experience with Tony. How he treated me, I mentioned to her about eh infatuation I had with him. I told her that I thought it was more than that. I told her that I was lonely. I cried. I poured my soul to her that night. I told her I questioned my existance on thsi earth. my purpose, my hope, my somewhat desire. I also told her my thoughhts about ending my life as well.

She grew quite concerned and said " DON'T you ever talk shit like that, EVER". " You got out of one situation when you got the hel out of there, do not put yourself in that fucking situation again. I will damned well make sure you do not kill yourself". I got quiet and my tears flowed.

Yes I was scared, anyone would be. I was frightened that I would lose myself in this lifestyle, my future, my freinds. ( what few I had...Just Jenn now and the few I knew off the streets. I also knew I had to seriously decide what I wanted to do. The next morning woke up and left to go to the bank. You see after ever trick I pulled and every night I finished I went and put money in my bank account. I guess you could say a rainy day fund. I just was not sure when or what I would use it for. I was so scared and the physchological had been done. I was damaged goods. I knew it, I beleive Jenn knew it as well. Mind you as I look back she never mentioned it to me. I beleive that she knew I was damaged and I feel that she knew there was no hope for me. I felt as tho I failed her, failed life in general. I failed my parents to live up the there standards. I was in essence damaged and I came to beleive I was not going to be fixed. I continued my hormones and I had a good looking figure , however I was emaciated and need to put some weight on. not a chance. Do not get me wrong here I was not anorexic. i jsut had a high metabolism and I ate what I wanted to. I did look ragged, and old. Shit! I only wish things were different. It was the time of 80' punk rock, short skirts made a comeback, shit I was wearing them all the time. No comeback for me, they were my standard clothing options as were tight tops and heels.

I seriously began to question why I had come back here. I felt that Jenn knew there was something wrong and never touched that subject with me. I stayed with ehr for 2 weeks and broached the subject with ehr. I told her that this was not for me, the rest and relaxation. I had to keep going. I told her that I would end up dead doing this for a living, I told her my fears and my aweful nightmares I had since I was with her again. I never did tell her how I felt about her tho. I loved her like my sister, and I guess she was in a sense. I think she knew it too and we never talked about it.

The following sunday we went for breakfast at A&W and then I was off to the wild west via the GreyHound again. Parts unknown at that time. I just went. I told her that I would call and or write. She asked me to call her and let me know where I ended up.I told her I would.
I set off to my ever ending life on the road and some sort of assemblence to my sanity. I do not think I had sanity nor sense. I guess I failed there as well. Was my life a failure? I think it was as I look back on it then. We had a very tearful good bye at the bus depot. Oh well, I had my meagre belongings. My knapsack was full of my clothes and my journal books I kept with me. I set out. SHIT! When will it be over? Will IT? NOT FUCKING LIKELY?.

I called Jenn and let her know where I was I was in oil country and I tended to like the place. I got a room near the same place as I had before and well i settled in that very night of strolling the corners and bars looking for tricks. A long night and yes a very long five months that would turn out to be for me. I missed Jenn. I wondered as I got back to my small hole in the wall place if I would ever see her again. I whoped that she would do well and not worry about me. I somehow knew that was going to be false. I knew she cared about me. Probably the only one that did then. I struggled with sleep that night and the next night ( actually daytime). M few hours of sleep I did get we few and far between. I was soon back in my routine, sixteen hours a day. making money and selling my ass to get it. I began to feel I was a failure, a nothing, a object of desire for being a trannie. I began to see where I had so much loss and yet I knew this was my life and posible future. A street whore, nobody wanted. No one to properly love me. I was lost, I looked for those few breif moments of love and acceptance while strolling the streets and it was satisfaction. I wondered if I would ever find "true love" "true happiness" as they say.. I began to beleive ...no FUCKING WAY. I was useless as a human being, worthless. I was being used and I actually loved it. I was accepted, I was cared for by the other girls and guys on the corners and in some instances there was a shred of concern from my clients. I had some serious issues . I knew it. I was hopeless.... I was defeated.... I was a loser.... A failure.... I began to beleive there was no help for me. I was in hell and it was the worst kind of hell. I guess you could say I went back to the beginning.....

OR DID I............

TO BE CONTINUED..................