A bridge between lives

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A night sky full of stars - it's late - a young man slowly walks back  to the place they are staying at from a birthday party - walking across a bridge high above a small river the runs though town they stop as they look over the side - with tears running down they face all they can think about is how easy it would be to end it - to step off the edge  - end all the pain and suffering - no longer seeing any way out... 

The young man has a secret that they try keep to they self  -very few know - even fewer understand - he knows the world can be a dangerous place for people like him  -

The thing that has brought them to this point - looking over the edge..  Is that they are transgender  - behind what others see - like wearing a mask and costume they try they best to hide they true self -they true self  a young woman who longs to take off the mask and costume and be her real self - not the young man that others see (how she hates it when people say sir  and him) - yet she is scared - scared of what others will think and do - having been heavily bully in school and elsewhere (including her mums long term boyfriend attempts to kill her - mostly because unlike her mum she is no longer letting people walk over her /bully her) - she's knowns what people can be like..

Up to now she has been able to hide it - to blend in - but slowly dieing inside /being more depressed more  each day - the few bits of hope/joy in her life are the times spent around horses (what she has a special bond with) a few special friends   but also the times spent reading the storys on a favorite transgender story website ( that she some how found one day one the Internet some time ago )   - when she is up to it/has Internet access she looks to see what new story's /new parts of story's have be posted since her last visit  - on her bad days  she retreads some of the ones that she has read as the rest of the world fads into the back round....

But now on the night of her birthday party  she some how's knows it's time to make the  decision - there is really only 2 possible ways from here -  to step off the edge - to end her life...  Or to at last take off the mask and costume - to be the person they truly are - a young woman making her way through life the best way she can regardless of what others will think think/do....

She closes her eyes with tears still falling - then with much soul searching looking back at her life - that what she can remember of her past (having lost around 2/3 of her memory from a head injury in the past much of her memories are missing - much of what she can remember is not good things - the bullying/not fitting in - also the  near rape that happened many years before yet mixed in there is also some joy with at least some of her past )

At last the young woman opens her eyes - looking at the star filled sky - with a sad smile - she takes a step - away from the edge of the bridge  back to the middle of the bridge - in a life changing moment she is on the long and hard path to become the person she truly is

As she walks away from the bridge back to the house she's staying at - her sharp mind is all ready starting to plan for the many changes  that are coming in her life - big and small  - some bringing joy others sadness - that will come over the following days, weeks, months and even years

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About this - This was around

About this - This was around 22 months ago (so not long ago for me) - it was not easy to talk about what happened that night - this is my attempt to put down my thoughts and feelings from that night - I'm not good at expressing my self in words but the story needed to be told some where - some where I would not likely be hastly judged by people who have not been there - it's a very personal story what I all most never speak of as people just never understand-there is sadness in the story yet also a way forwarded to understanding and at least some joy/happiness in my life - now that it's been told I can try to do some happier/fun stories at some point in time - it's odd to think that the web site I sent much time reading other people's stories now has some of my stories on it - I'm still learning how to post so I'm not sure if I did it right?

I was very moved

I've been there too, and I love that you chose life over death, hope over despair

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Please don't jump!

laika's picture

...is what I was saying to myself as I read this. And then reading that this was autobiographical, I am so happy you chose the sometimes harder path that is also the path of hope. We here at this site might not have ever known it but the world would have been a little darker without you in it. Thanks for sharing your story and your poem with us, looking forward to more!
hugs, Veronica