“I’m ready,” I said firmly, though I wasn’t quite sure I was. I’d been on the birth control pills long enough for them to be effective, anyway, and if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t have the chance for months. Of course, once I was thousands of miles from the nearest Raleigh rabbit pheromones, I might not want to anymore... but I wasn’t thinking about that.

You Could Go Home Again

part 12 of 16

by Trismegistus Shandy

This story is in my "Valentine Divergence" setting, like my earlier stories "Butterflies are the Gentlest", A House Divided, and "Nora and the Nomads". I've tried to write it as a stand-alone, but if you find it confusing, reading those earlier stories first, or at least "Butterflies are the Gentlest", might help.

Thanks to Unicornzvi, epain, and Scott Jamison for their comments on the first draft.

This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. So are my last several stories posted here, although I forgot to put the CC license notice in some of them.

I finished my Biology project not long after that, and then did a second draft of my World History term paper. And by the time I finished that, it was time to start studying for finals in earnest. I missed the last meetings of the science club and the science fiction and fantasy society for the year, and didn’t hang out with my friends much except at mealtimes; I think most of them were as busy as I was. And then it was finals week, and though I’d been studying hard for more than a week, I didn’t feel at all prepared.

I did okay, though; when our final grades were posted, I had B’s in World History and Biology and a C in Calculus. Amy had done pretty well too; we hugged each other hard after we saw what our grades were.

A couple of days earlier at breakfast, Larry and Bill had suggested that we go out and celebrate the Friday evening of finals week. We hung out some Thursday evening, after my last final, and they helped me pack my crate to send back to Hebron, but they had to excuse themselves after an hour or so to go study for their Friday morning finals.

Then Friday evening, we went to a nice restaurant, as good as any they’d ever taken me to and better than some, and ate and talked and laughed, and then went dancing again. My hip was doing better lately, and I was able to dance more than last time; though I couldn’t keep up with Bill and Larry’s gyrations during the loud, fast-tempo songs, I had a lot of fun.

And then we all squeezed into the back seat of Larry’s car on the way back to the campus; Larry put his arms around both of us, and I leaned into him and felt really good, even though he wasn’t touching anything more exciting than my shoulders at the moment. When we got back, we went to Larry’s dorm; his roommate had had his last final on Wednesday and was already gone. There was some chaos where his roommate had left behind trash that Larry hadn’t taken out yet, and where Larry had pulled everything out of the drawers and cabinets and piled it in stacks on the desks and his roommate’s bed to sort and pack it, but Bill and I didn’t mind.

“Are you sure you’re ready?” Bill said. “We can do this next fall if you’d rather.”

“I’m ready,” I said firmly, though I wasn’t quite sure I was. I’d been on the birth control pills long enough for them to be effective, anyway, and if I didn’t do it now, I wouldn’t have the chance for months. Of course, once I was thousands of miles from the nearest Raleigh rabbit pheromones, I might not want to anymore... but I wasn’t thinking about that.

“All right. How do you want to do this?” Larry asked. “Do you want me to do it with Bill first, while you watch and get yourself ready?”

“Umm... yeah, that might be a good idea.” I started nervously working on unbuttoning my blouse, and though I’d hardly taken my eyes off Larry in the car or on the way to his dorm, now I couldn’t meet his eyes, and kept glancing around the room.

And while Bill and Larry were sitting on the side of the bed, taking each other’s clothes off, and I was dragging my feet taking off my own, my eyes fell on some stuff lying on the desk.

A couple of pairs of handcuffs, and a whip.

I’d read a little about BSDM back when I was doing my due diligence — when I was asexual and saw it all in clinical terms. It seemed a little creepy to me then, and even though there were supposed to be safe ways of doing it that wouldn’t cause any actual injury, it seemed dangerous too. Even if it was perfectly safe when you did it right, I’d read enough to know that people didn’t always think clearly or act rationally when they were having sex or really wanted to have sex, and so how could people know in advance that they’d take those safety precautions when they were horny and in a hurry?

When I thought about it later, I realized that Larry and Bill probably weren’t going to use those things on me that night, or even later on without asking my permission first. Larry had never kissed me or touched me on any part of my body without asking permission first (usually through Bill). But at the time... I just freaked. I started buttoning my blouse up again, and stammered, “Um, actually, I think maybe I’m not ready after all. You guys go ahead without me and I’ll see you later.”

Bill looked over at me, then her eyes met Larry’s, and she looked at me again, saying: “You can stay and watch if that would make you feel more prepared next time.”

“Um, no thanks... bye.” I hadn’t buttoned my blouse up all the way, and I hadn’t tucked it back into my skirt, but I was decent, and I got out of the room as fast as my limp would let me. Bill and Larry had both undressed far enough that they couldn’t follow me quickly; if they had just thrown on a couple of bathrobes they could have caught up with me before I left the dorm, but they were in the middle of foreplay and weren’t thinking any more clearly than I was. And once I left Larry’s dorm, I didn’t go straight back to Alexander Hall; I headed toward the library and browsed the stacks aimlessly for a while before I picked up a book and sat down in a study carrel to read for a while. I stayed for a couple of hours, until Larry and Bill might have gotten to my dorm, not found me there, and gone back to Larry’s dorm.

Later on, Bill told me they’d gotten dressed and looked around for me, but not seeing me in the lobby downstairs or anywhere in sight when they stepped out of the dorm, they hadn’t gone any further.

When I got back to our room, Amy had just been back from her date with David for a little while. “How was your date with Larry and Bill?” she asked.

I didn’t answer for a moment. I hadn’t been able to concentrate much on the book I’d picked out, what with thinking about what I’d seen and what it implied, and having second thoughts about running out without asking to talk with them about the handcuffs and whip. I’d almost gone back to apologize, but I decided I’d better wait a while; it would be awkward to knock on the door when they were in the middle of sex, especially if they were using those toys.

“Oh, it was pretty good,” I said. “We had dinner at a really nice restaurant, and then went dancing for as long as my hip would hold out.”

“Still not ready to go any further?” she asked. “I don’t blame you.”

“Um, no... I thought I might be ready by now, but next fall will be better.”

A woman from UPS, a Cary hyena, came and picked up my crate of stuff to ship to Hebron. All I had left was my cane and a little backpack with a change of clothes, toiletries, and my tablet. Next morning, Amy and I both took the shuttle to the train station. Amy was checking her phone a lot that morning, and texting somebody several times, including right after we got on the train.

When we stopped in Durham, another person got into our car. At first I thought they were an unusually tall male Cary hyena, but then I realized that the white stripe in their hair was bleached, not natural, and it wasn’t as curly as most Cary hyenas' hair. Amy smiled and waved at them, and they came over and sat down next to us.

“David, this is my roommate Joel. Joel, this is David.”

“Hi, David. Amy’s told me about you.”

“And she mentioned you a couple of times, too. You’re going to... Kansas, right?”

“Nebraska. Don’t worry, I get Southern states mixed up too; I’ve gotten the ones we pass through on this trip pretty straight, but I’m hopeless on most of the others.”

David was wearing tight pants where Amy usually wore a skirt, but they wore more jewelry than Amy did, two rings in each ear and a bracelet on their right arm. They were wearing open-toed sandals, which I wished I’d had the money to buy on my last shopping trip; the weather was getting pretty warm, and it would soon be downright hot in Nebraska. Maybe Aunt Ellen would take me shopping, or I could bum a ride to Lincoln with Julia or Ron after I got a summer job and earned some money.

We chatted some on the way to Atlanta, but mostly David and Amy talked — about their plans for the summer, mostly. David lived in Athens and Amy lived in Commerce, a small town a little way north of there; they’d be taking the same bus from Atlanta as far as Athens, where Amy’s parents would come pick her up at the bus station. And they had lots of ideas for later in the summer... I sighed, thinking I really should reply to the email I’d gotten from Bill yesterday, but not sure how yet.

When Aunt Ellen picked me up in Lincoln (Uncle Tyler had to work), I asked her: “Is it okay if we go by a store and buy a couple of pairs of shorts, maybe some sandals? We were still having nippy weather the last time I went shopping, just after I reached my full growth; but it’s getting warm now and it’ll be hot soon.”

So we did that, and got home fairly late, after Uncle Tyler had already eaten supper. When he stood up from his easy chair to greet me, I saw that I was now a little taller than he was. He sat with us during our supper, listening to me talk about school and the trip home and asking some questions.

“So are you still dating that boy — Larry, I think you said was his name?”

“Yes, I went on a date with him and Bill just a few days ago, after finals.”

“With two boys at once?”

“No, Bill’s a girl — she’s Larry’s other girlfriend.”

He pursed his lips and lowered his head. That would be a deferential gesture from a Raleigh rabbit, but it’s more confrontational when a Lincoln bison points his horns at you. “I’m not happy about you dating a boy who has another girlfriend.”

“Uncle Tyler, remember there are a lot more Raleigh rabbit women than there are men. If some of the men didn’t date or marry two or three women, there wouldn’t be enough to go around. Larry and Bill are both really nice, and they haven’t pushed me to go any farther than I was ready to.”

I could see the question in Uncle Tyler’s eyes: “And how far was that?” But he didn’t ask it out loud, so I didn’t answer.

We were quiet for a few minutes, and then Aunt Ellen said: “Jacob, in the Bible, had two wives, and King David had a whole bunch.”

“That’s the Old Testament,” Uncle Tyler said. “The New Testament sets a higher standard.”

“Some of those rules from the Bible apply to any sentient creature,” I said. “But some of them only make sense for old-style humans, or people that are mostly like them. I mean, it’s easy for Lincoln bison to keep doing things the old way. You don’t change sex now and then like us, and you have the same number of men and women. And you’re attracted to each other all the time, not just once a year like Athens magnolias. And your thoughts are private, unlike North Platte dreamers. And you don’t have so much fur that you can’t stand to wear clothes in hot weather, like Omaha sheepdogs. Other species have to do things their way.”

“Maybe in some areas,” he said. “But most of what’s right and wrong is right or wrong for everybody.”

“Sure. Murder’s wrong for everybody, and I guess stealing. And breaking promises. And, umm...” I tried to think of more examples, but couldn’t at the moment, though I thought of plenty later.

After Aunt Ellen and Uncle Tyler went to bed, I got out my tablet and read Bill’s email again, and started writing another reply to it, which I deleted ten minutes later without sending it.

I got together with Carl, Julia and Ron a couple of times in the next few days, and started and discarded several more replies to Bill. When Ron was giving me a ride over to Carl’s house, where we were going to watch a movie and play some games, I tentatively asked him if he’d gotten back together with Lindsey after Christmas break.

“Yeah,” he said, his face breaking into a smile only partially obscured by his fur. “We’ve been going out together all semester. I’m going to visit her in Kansas City later in the summer.”

“Do your parents know about her?”

“Not yet.” He sighed. “I guess I should tell them before I go see her, huh?”

“Maybe you don’t have to, but... I don’t know. It could make things easier or it could be harder.” I wondered if xenophilia was something that was wrong for everybody, like breaking promises, or okay for some people, like polygamy. I didn’t want to condemn Ron without thinking it through a lot — not when I knew Uncle Tyler felt the same way about me dating Larry and Bill.

And putting off replying to Bill’s email for so long was definitely wrong. Just as I was thinking that, Ron said: “What about you? You mentioned in one of your emails that you were about to go on a date, but you never replied to my next email, and I forgot to send you another one...”

“Sorry,” I said. “I don’t remember why I didn’t reply... things were getting pretty busy with exam prep and term papers about then.”

“Yeah, for me too. But anyway, how’d that date go? Did you go out with the guy again?”

So I told him a lot about my relationship with Larry and Bill, but left out some details about how far we’d gotten, and didn’t say much about our last date just after finals. We got to Carl’s house about then, and I told Carl some of what I’d told Ron, but not everything.

That night I finally made myself write a reply to Bill and send it. The wording was far from perfect, but if I kept trying to write the perfect reply, I’d never send it.

“I’m sorry I took so long to reply. I had to think about this a lot. I’m sorry I ran out on you like that. I wasn’t just nervous about having sex, though that was a big part of it.

“Just before I ran out, I saw the handcuffs and whip lying on the desk. And I should have known that you wouldn’t use them on me without asking permission first, like you asked before Larry kissed me or used his tongue or touched me anywhere. But I freaked out and panicked and ran. I’m sorry. I don’t think I want to use that stuff, but if you ask me later if it’s okay, I promise I’ll think about it before I say yes or no, I won’t just say no instinctively.

“If you and Larry aren’t mad at me, I’d like to see you again in the Fall, and maybe go out again? But maybe we should take things slower. I thought I was ready and I obviously wasn’t. Maybe I’ll be ready after this summer, but I feel like when I’m away from other Raleigh rabbits, my sexual maturity is on hold, even though I’m becoming more adult in other ways.

“Don’t reply right away, talk to Larry and think about it. I know I don’t deserve a quick reply anyway, after I put off answering you for so long.”

I read it over and wasn’t satisfied with it, but I made myself send it anyway. I knew if I started revising it I’d get frustrated that I couldn’t make the words say what I meant and delete it. After that, I went to bed, hugging my second pillow and lying awake for a long time before I slept.

Just a couple of days later I had a reply from Bill:

“Of course we forgive you. We want to see you again, and if you like, to go out again. We can take it as slow as you want.

“And if you’re not comfortable with bondage play, you’re not, and that’s fine. We’re not going to ask you to do something you’re not comfortable with; now that you know we’re into that (but not ONLY into that) you can tell us yourself if you ever want to try it — we won’t mention it again. I’m sorry you had to find out that way.

“Keep us posted about how you’re doing, and we’ll see you in August.”

I applied at several places, and by the end of my second week in Hebron I had a summer job. Aunt Ellen gave me a ride to and from the supermarket before and after going to her own work, and by mid-July I had enough money to go shopping in Lincoln with Julia and her friends. I got more shorts and long pants, and was able to finally retire my skirts from everyday wear — I’d still wear them to church, and maybe on dates, but not otherwise. Leanne tried again to get me to buy some jewelry, but though I went to the jewelry store with them and tried on a couple of things, I still didn’t buy any. I wasn’t as adamantly opposed to wearing it as I’d been a few months ago, but my money didn’t go a long way with girl clothes and I’d rather buy two or three pairs of pants or blouses than one piece of jewelry.

Ron met me for supper after I got off work one Thursday, and told me he was about to tell his parents about Lindsey, just before he left to go visit her for the weekend. I wished him luck. Sunday at church, people were gossiping about it; I wasn’t sure how, since I couldn’t see why either Ron or his parents would tell anyone. Maybe his mom confided in a friend and the friend told somebody who told somebody.

A couple of days after Ron got back from Kansas City, he picked me up after work and we went over to Carl’s house.

“So, how did your parents take it?”

“Not well. But, you know, they didn’t throw me out of the house, so not that terribly either.”

“I’m not sure if you heard, but somebody told somebody — it wasn’t me, but somehow people at church knew about it.”

He shivered. “Not good. If a few people at church know, everybody in town will know in a week.”

In fact, when we got to Carl’s house, we found that Carl had heard about it from Julia, who’d heard about it from some girls who went to our church.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell me?” he asked Ron.

“Three guesses and the first two don’t count.”

“I’m not going to judge you. You should know that.”

“Thanks. I didn’t really think you would, but... I didn’t want to put you to the test if I didn’t have to.”

“So what’s she like? Julia said she’d heard two different rumors, and wasn’t sure if either of them were true.”

“Her name’s Lindsey; she’s a Mississippi mudcat, and beautiful as the day is long. Especially when she’s swimming, but even on land she’s more graceful than most people. She has great taste in books and movies...”

He showed us some recent photos of Lindsey, and of him and Lindsey together, from his trip to Kansas City. In one photo they were naked and soaking wet, wading in shallow water — probably in a bend of the Missouri. Carl looked a little uncomfortable when he saw that, even though normally the sight of a naked person of another species isn’t any more interesting than a naked dog or cat.

Eventually we settled down to watch a couple of movies. One was a recent Sundberg Studio movie that Carl had seen with Julia a while back, and had recommended to us. Another was a movie Ron had brought back from Kansas City, that he’d seen with Lindsey; the cast were mostly Mississippi mudcats, with several other Kansas and Missouri neospecies. I thought about downloading a copy of Sins of the Father and bringing it to our next movie night.

Four of my novels and one short fiction collection are available from Smashwords in ePub format and from Amazon in Kindle format. Smashwords pays its authors better than Amazon.