Sister, Sister, Sister - Part 10
By Missy Crystal

Twelve year old Johnny wants to play Barbies with his sisters, but Barbies are for girls. How can Johnny join the game? A sweet, sentimental story about a young boy's discovery of the girl he should have been with the help of his sisters and mother. This is a story I wrote a couple of years ago and I am posting it here for those who would like to know more about Dr. Jenny Mitchell. It is complete, for those who anguish over being left hanging, but too long for a single post.

I was the first one home, as usual. Mom would get Susie at Mrs. Johnson's on her way home and Beth was probably at a friend's house, since cheerleading practice was over. I started to go upstairs to change, but then stopped. Why bother, I thought. I was too upset to eat at school, so decided to have a snack. I found a package of chocolate chip cookies, put two on a plate, poured myself a glass of milk, took a napkin and sat down at the kitchen table. I opened my backpack and started on my homework. I was pretty sure I had covered myself with Mr. Tanner, but, now that I knew he had his eye on me, I didn't want to let my grades slip and give him a reason to talk to Mrs. McGowan. I picked up a cookie and took a nibble, a small sip of milk and wiped my mouth with the napkin. Then I realized I was eating like a girl. No way. Jenny was gone. I shoved the rest of the cookie into my mouth, took a swig of milk to wash it down and wiped my mouth on the back of my hand. I couldn't get myself to enjoy eating that way, so I put the other cookie back in the bag and poured out the rest of milk. I was concentrating on my homework when I heard Mom=s car pull into the driveway. A minute later, Susie came in.

"Hi, Jenny," she stopped short. "Oh, Johnny," she corrected herself. "What happened to Jenny?"

I didn't feel like explaining, so I made up an excuse.

"Hi, Susie."

I looked down, pretending to be surprised at still wearing my boy's clothes.

"Oh, I guess I got so involved in doing my homework that I completely forgot to change. Silly me," I said, shaking my head."

"You are silly, Jenny," Susie agreed, using my girl=s name.

Just then, Mom walked in. She stopped when she saw me.

"Jenny, is something the matter?" she asked, using her mother's intuition.

"Susie, dear, please go upstairs. I need to talk to Jenny for a few minutes."

Susie left and Mom walked over to me.

"Now then, Honey, what's this all about?" She got a worried look and put her hand to her mouth. "It's not those boys at the park, is it? They didn't, you aren't, oh my!" she exclaimed, fearing the worst.

"No, Mom," I reassured her, shaking my head for emphasis. "Nothing bad happened. Well no, something bad almost happened. Mom, I don't want to be Jenny anymore," I blurted out, tears beginning to trickle down my face. "It's not fair to you or my sisters."

Mom came over and put her arm around me.

"There, there, Jenny, if nothing bad happened, then why the tears? Please talk to me. I=m sure we can find a solution."

"There is no solution, Mom," I told her, as the tears continued to flow. "I can't, I won't get you and my sisters in trouble, because of me. I love you all too much. There's no more Jenny. She's gone."

I put my head against her shoulder and cried. Mom just held me, letting me get it out of my system. Finally, I pulled myself together.

"Now then, young lady, you know that your sisters and I love you very much too. I want to know what happened that was so terrible that you have to give up Jenny because of us."

I had calmed down a little bit and began to tell Mom the story. My being called to the office, almost giving myself away and then finding out that it wasn't what I was worried about at all.

"Mom, I was really afraid that they had called you and when it got out, you would be in trouble and Beth and Susie would be teased. Even Julie, Mom. I'm sure she'd hate me for fooling her and hate Susie too. How would you work, if Susie and Julie weren't friends anymore? Then again, if I got kicked out of school, I could watch her after school. We could have a lifetime of Barbies. That would be the perfect end to Jenny," I said miserably, "stuck in Barbie land forever."

"Jenny," Mom said calmly, "we've always known that there was a risk. Thinking back, we were lucky that Sally McGowan was willing to give you," she paused, "and me," she added, "the benefit of the doubt. I think you're over reacting," she went on, "to what happened at school. I can take care of myself and so can your sisters, even little Susie. We are strong, Jenny, and having you as their sister and as my daughter makes us even stronger. This is what being a family is all about, Honey, and you should not make decisions that affect our family without giving us the chance to be involved."

I shook my head.

"You don't understand, Mom. It's not about you or Beth or Susie. It's about me. I couldn't live with myself, if every time I looked in the mirror I saw a girl who was so thoughtless that she let her family suffer because of her. I do know that Beth is strong, too strong. If someone made fun of her brother who wears dresses, she'd deck them without even thinking about it. She'd be suspended from school and thrown off the cheerleading squad. I know Susie is strong too. She would stick up for me. Maybe Julie is like her Mom and would understand, but the other kids wouldn't. Being strong doesn't stop them from teasing her. I won't take that chance. I wish it could be different, but it can't. Jenny has to go," I said sadly, "and nothing you or my sisters can say will change my mind."

Mom thought for a moment.

"Maybe nothing we say can change your mind, but what about Dr. Goldfarb?"

"What? I don't understand. What does Dr. Goldfarb have to do with this?"

"Well," Mom explained, "you wanted me to make an appointment with her, so I called her office this morning and in all the excitement I didn't have a chance to tell you about it. We have an appointment for eight o'clock Friday morning. Claire Johnson had spoken to her and she was interested in seeing you. So much so, that she arranged for us to come in before her regular patients. I wanted to surprise you with the good news, but you beat me to it with your news."

"Thanks, Mom. I really appreciate your making the appointment, but it's a waste of time. Please cancel it."

"Jenny," Mom said sternly, "the doctor has made a special effort to see you and I have already made arrangements to change my shift, so I can take you. It would seem to me that, before you make any decision that is going to change your life and ours, you at least take advantage of the opportunity to speak with someone who can give you good advice. You owe it to yourself and to us." Her tone softened. "Please dear, don't do anything hastily that you might regret later on. Nothing is going to change between now and Friday. Let's at least hear what the doctor has to say. Then you can decide and I will respect your decision, because it was made logically, not emotionally."

"Okay, Mom," I conceded. "I guess you=re right. I'll keep the appointment."

"Good," Mom said with a sigh of relief. "Now then, since Jenny hasn't moved out yet, will you please do us all a favor and get into your proper clothes."

I didn't need much encouragement. I gave Mom a hug and headed upstairs to change. I went into my room and traded my white boy's briefs for a pair of pink cotton panties and my t-shirt for a matching pink cammie. I slipped on my robe and went into Beth's and Susie's room to find something pretty. I might as well make the most of my last few days as Jenny, I told myself. Susie was sitting propped up on her pillow, reading a book. She looked up when I came in and smiled at me. I smiled back at her.

"Hi, Jenny," she exclaimed happily. "Will you read to me now?"

"Sure, Sis, just let me get dressed."

I went over to the closet and started to look through Beth's wardrobe. Nothing caught my eye. Then I remembered the girl at the bus stop who was wearing a skort. If I only had a few more days to wear girl's clothes, it would be nice to try something new.

"Susie, do you know what a skort is?" I asked her.

Of course, Jenny," she laughed, "every girl knows that. Why?"

"Well, I saw a girl wearing one today and it looked like fun. I was wondering if Beth had one."

"Yes, we both do, but you won't find it. There's not enough room for all of our clothes in the closet, so Mom keeps our summer things packed away. I'm not sure where, they're probably in her closet. You'd have to ask her. Do you want me to run down, 'cause I'm dressed."

"Thanks, Sis, but I can do it."

I started to head for the door and then turned around.

"Do you remember what Beth wears with her skort, I mean the shoes and top? Are those packed away too?"

"I'm not sure. I usually wear a tank top. I guess she'd wear the same thing with hers or maybe a cute t-shirt. They look nice with a skort too. I mean it's just a fancy pair of shorts, so anything that goes with shorts would be okay, I guess."

"Thanks for the fashion lesson," I said appreciatively. "I'll be right back and after I get dressed I'll read to you, okay?"

"Okay, Jenny. Hurry back. It's almost dinner time."

I went to the kitchen. Mom saw me come in and nodded her approval.

"That's my girl," she encouraged me.

I shrugged.

"Mom, I saw a girl wearing a skort today. Susie says Beth has one packed away with her summer things. Could you find it for me without too much trouble? I mean, it's not that important. There are lots of other things. It=s just, well, I don't know, I … ."

"Not a problem at all, Honey," Mom interrupted me. Beth's and Susie's summer clothes are in a storage box in my closet. Their closet needs to be changed over, now that it's getting warmer, so this is as good a time as any. Come on. We can go do it together. Supper can wait a bit."

I followed Mom upstairs to her room. She opened the closet and pulled out a large cardboard box. She took off the lid and began to unpack the clothes, putting them on the bed. The top layer was Susie's clothes. Her t-shirts, tank tops, shorts, little skirts, short-sleeved blouses, sun dresses and bathing suits came out. Next came a similar assortment of Beth's clothes. Going through the skirts, Mom picked one up and handed it to me.

"I think this is what you were looking for."

It was a really pretty pastel pink, aqua and pale yellow plaid. She lifted up the skirt flap, so I could see the shorts underneath.

"I'm not sure about a top."

She looked through the pile of clothes and found a pink sleeveless cotton top with a scoop neck.

"How about this?" she asked, holding it next to the skort."

"Perfect," I agreed.

I started to leave.

"Hang on Honey, give me a hand taking the clothes into your sisters' room, please," Mom asked me, gathering up a pile and putting it into my arms.

She picked up the rest and we headed out. When we got to the girls' room, she deposited her load on Beth's bed and I put mine down next to it.

"Oh, cool, our summer stuff," Susie said, looking up from her book when we came in. "Did you find a skort and top, Jenny?"

I nodded.

I took the outfit back to my room, slipped out of my robe and pulled on the top. You could see the cammie peeking out of the low neck opening, so I got undressed, took the cammie off and put the top back on. The top was light material and, without anything underneath it, I could see tiny little bumps over my nipples. I sighed. That was about as good as it was ever going to get. Then again, it didn't matter any more. I stepped into it, zipped it up and fastened it around my waist. Looking down, I realized that I didn't have anything on my feet. I headed back to Susie's room. Mom was taking the winter clothes out of the closet, folding them and putting the summer clothes in their place.

"Mom, what should I wear on my feet?" I wondered.

She thought for a minute.

"Either sandals or ankle socks with flats, the shoes are still in my closet. I forgot about them. Be a dear and bring in the box."

I went back to Mom's room and found another cardboard box in her closet. I picked it up and carried it into Beth=s and Susie's room. Mom pointed to a place on the floor at the foot of Beth's bed, near the closet. I put the box down and started to take out the shoes. When I got to a pair of pink sandals, Mom stopped me.

"That's one pair you can wear. See if you can find the flats, they're white."

I rummaged through what was left in the box and found what looked like a pair of white slippers. I took them out and showed them to Mom.

"Yes, Jenny, those are the ones."

She picked up the sandals in one hand and the flats in the other.

"Take your pick," she offered.

I thought for a moment. The sandals would be nice and cool for going out in the summertime, but the shoes and socks were better for the house. I pointed to the shoes and Mom handed them to me.A

"Take a pair of the pink cotton ankle socks from Beth's dresser," she recommended, "they will look cute with the outfit."

I went over, opened the drawer and looked though Beth's collection, until I found a pair. I took them out, sat down on Beth=s bed, pulled them on and then slipped on the shoes. I stood up and looked in the mirror on the closet door. I hadn't done anything with my hair or makeup, so I looked like a tomboy. I thanked Mom, told Susie I would be right back and went to my room. Restyling my hair, putting in my little gold hoop earrings, a heart locket Beth let me borrow and a pink headband made the difference. When I went back into my sisters' room, Susie looked at me and smiled. Mom turned from reorganizing the closet and nodded her approval. I went over and snuggled up with Susie. She handed me the book she was reading. Mom looked over and smiled. I gave her a weak smile back, but my mind was made up.

Mom finished putting the clothes in the closet and went back downstairs. About twenty minutes later, I heard Beth come in. She came upstairs and into the room.

"Hi Susie, hi Jenny," she greeted us.

Then she saw what I was wearing.

"Oh, wow, Mom finally got out our summer stuff, about time. Gee, Jenny, you look really cute in my skort," she complimented me.

My legs were stretched out on the bed and the skort was shorts length.

"Wow, Jenny, you have really nice legs," Beth observed.

"Thanks," I said politely, "but when did you start staring at girls' legs? I though I was the one who was confused about being a boy," I teased her.

Beth gave me one of her patronizing looks.

"Sis, you still have a lot to learn. Girls may do it more subtly than boys, but we are always checking out the competition. I mean, if you're an athlete and you want to win the race, you have to know what you're up against," she said with a grin.

The lesson in being girly was interrupted by Mom calling us for dinner.

"You guys go ahead," Beth told us, "I'm going to change and be right down."

Susie and I got up and I put the book on the night stand. Beth started to get undressed and was in her panties and bra by the time I was at the door.

"Pretty hot," she called to me, striking a pose.

I nodded and she giggled. It was going to be hard giving up being Jenny, I thought to myself.

The rest of the night went as usual. Mom put Susie to bed while Beth and I did our homework. Then we went upstairs and got ready for bed. I debated whether to wear my boy's pajamas or my nightgown. Why tease myself I thought. Then I changed my mind. I had a lifetime of pajamas to look forward to. Why rush things? I went though my nightly beauty routine. Another waste of time, I thought, but that too would be over soon enough. Finally, I slipped under the covers and, after tossing and turning for a while, the exhaustion from the day's events came over me and I fell asleep.

On Thursday night, Mom reminded me that we were going to see Dr. Goldfarb in the morning, as if I could have forgotten what was going to be the worst day of my life.

"Yes, Mom," I confirmed, "I remember."

"What are you going to wear?" she asked.

I guessed what she really meant was whether I was going dressed as a girl or a boy. I hadn't really thought about it. I might as well go as a boy. Then again, I reasoned, Mom seemed optimistic that Dr. Goldfarb would be able to change my mind. I doubted it, but maybe, just maybe, somehow I was wrong. Maybe, just maybe, there was a way I could continue to be Jenny. If there was any possibility, then shouldn't Dr. Goldfarb see me as a girl? How would she take me seriously, if I showed up as a boy? I couldn't make up my mind.

"I don't know Mom, what do you think?" I asked her.

"It's up to you," Mom replied, "but you might want to think about whether you're going to school after the appointment. We have to be at the hospital at eight, which means we need to leave by six-thirty, to be on the safe side, in case there's traffic. To be honest, honey, I was so happy to get the appointment, knowing how busy doctors usually are, that I completely forgot to ask about the details. I'm sure that the session isn't more than an hour. We should be home by about ten o=clock. I can drop you off at school or you can come home and change or you can take the day off, whichever you want."

"Well, that settles it. I don't want to miss my classes when we're reviewing, so staying home is not an option. Luckily, I have gym first period on Friday and a study hall right after, so I can still make it to my English class, if I don=t stop at home to change. That means I go as Johnny. Besides, if we have to be out of here by six thirty, it will take him a lot less time to get ready than Jenny," I said, half seriously.

Mom nodded and then added, "speaking of leaving early, Susie is going to do a sleepover at Julie's. That will help."

That night I tossed and turned, waiting for the alarm clock to ring. When it went off, I got up, dressed quickly, washed up and hurried down to breakfast. Mom was already dressed and in the kitchen, having a cup of coffee. She had put out breakfast for me. I tried to eat, but I was too nervous and left most of it. Mom must have understood, because she didn't say anything as she cleared the table.

The ride to the doctor's office was very quiet. Neither of us had anything to say that would make a difference. Mom turned on the radio and we listened to music. She picked a station which she knew I liked, although it wasn't her favorite, I=m sure. There wasn't much traffic and we pulled into the parking lot of the hospital with about forty-five minutes to kill. Mom parked and we went in. The coffee shop was open and Mom asked if I wanted anything. I shook my head. She went over to the information desk and asked for directions. The woman pointed towards the elevators at the other side of the lobby and made some hand motions to show her which way to turn when we got off. I looked at the clock on the lobby wall and it was seven thirty. Mom suggested that we go up. I followed her over to the elevators. We got in and she pushed the button for the fifth floor. The elevator stopped and when the doors opened a nurse came in pushing a patient in a wheelchair. They got off on the next floor. Finally, the fifth floor light came on and the doors opened. We got off. Mom paused, then turned right, went to the end of the corridor, turned left, through a set of doors down a corridor and through another set of doors with a sign 'Department of Psychiatry and Psychopharmacology.' I wasn't sure what the second word meant, but I knew it had to do with drugs. Maybe this was not such a good idea after all, I worried. Mom must have sensed my nervousness and took my hand.

"Mom," I said fearfully, as we continued down the corridor "Dr. Goldfarb isn't going to do anything to me, is she? I mean, we're just going to talk about my being a girl, right? She won=t put me in the hospital or make me take any medicine or anything, will she?"

Mom shook her head.

"Absolutely not, don't worry, Honey." She turned to look at the sign. "Oh, that. It's just the way they organize the hospital departments. Don't forget," she explained, "psychiatry deals with many different types of problems. Some people need medication to help them with anxiety or depression. That's why they=re usually together. Dr. Goldfarb specializes in people like you, Jenny. That is not something which is treated with drugs. Everything will be fine or I wouldn't have brought you here."

I was surprised that Mom used my girl's name, even though I was dressed as a boy.

"Mom, do you think you should call me Jenny when I'm dressed like a boy? What if someone hears you?"

"First of all, Honey, nobody knows us here and, besides, there is nobody around. Don't be such a worry wart."

We stopped in front of a wood door with the name 'Freda Goldfarb, M.D., Ph.D.'

"Impressive," Mom commented. "She is a doctor doctor," she joked.

Mom tried the handle, but the door was locked. We stood outside waiting.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"About a quarter to eight," Mom said, looking at her watch.

About five minutes went by and I heard the sound of the doors opening. Looking down the corridor, I could see a person, but I couldn't make out whether it was a man or a woman. Whoever it was wasn't wearing white, so I guessed it wasn't a doctor or nurse. As the person got closer, I could see it was an older woman. She had dark hair mixed with grey, done up in a bun and held in place with a clip. Her face was round and pleasant. She was dressed in a navy blue straight skirt that came to below her knees, a white blouse with a round collar, buttoned at the neck and a matching navy blue jacket. Navy blue shoes with a low heel and a navy blue pocket book with a shoulder strap completed her outfit. I guessed that it must be the doctor=s secretary coming to open the office.

When the woman reached us, she extended her hand and said, "Hello, I'm Freda Goldfarb. You must be Johnny and his mother. Please come in."

She reached into her bag, took out a set of keys and opened the office door. When she turned on the lights, I could see a secretary's desk and file cabinets to the left and four chairs against the wall with a coffee table in front of them to the right. Dr. Goldfarb went to the file cabinet, opened the top drawer and took out a clipboard. She attached some papers and handed them to my mother.

"You know the routine," she said with a smile, handing Mom a pen. "While you're filling out the forms, I'll get ready."

Dr. Goldfarb used her keys to open another door at the far side of the reception area and went in. She closed the door behind her. Mom sat down in one of the chairs and began writing. I sat next to her. I thought maybe there would be a fashion magazine, but there were only news magazines. I picked one up and flipped the pages, but didn't pay attention. After a while, Dr. Goldfarb came out and asked Mom if she was finished. Mom said yes and handed her the clipboard. Dr. Goldfarb looked at it quickly, nodded and invited us into her office. I was expecting to see a couch, like in the movies, but it looked just like a regular office. There was a dark wood desk with a black leather chair behind it. In front of the desk there were two wooden side chairs. Four upholstered armchairs chairs were arranged around a round coffee table off to one side. There was a bookcase filled to overflowing against the other wall. Over the bookcase were lots of diplomas and on the wall behind the four chairs was a large picture of a garden with flowers and a fountain. Behind Dr. Goldfarb's desk was a big window with a nice city view looking towards the river. Dr. Goldfarb motioned for us to be seated in the upholstered chairs. She sat down in the one facing me, with mom to her right and began to look over the forms.

Turning to Mom, Dr. Goldfarb asked her, "how old was Johnny when your husband left?"

"Six," Mom replied.

Dr. Goldfarb made a note.

"Did he abuse you or the children?"

Mom hesitated.

Dr. Goldfarb waited for a minute and then said patiently, "I understand that this interview may be uncomfortable for you, especially in front of Johnny, but, as a nurse, you know that a complete and accurate history is necessary in order for me to make a diagnosis. When you deal with injuries and diseases, it is what has happened to the patient physically. When you deal with mental health, it is what has happened to him psychologically. As to Johnny, you also know how important it is for a patient to trust his doctor. That purpose is not served by excluding him from our interview."

That doctor had a very sincere manner and I could see Mom relax.

She shook her head and explained, "No, Dr. Goldfarb. In a way, I wish he was. I could have dealt with that. He was indifferent."

Dr. Goldfarb made another note.

"Did he spend any time with Johnny?"

"No," she told her, "he didn't want the responsibility of a family and finally he walked out on us. I filed for divorce and haven't seen him or spoken to him since. Not a letter, a telephone call or a card on his children's birthday, nothing. He was supposed to pay child support, which he did for a couple of years. Then that stopped," Mom said angrily. "It's been a struggle, but we are fine on our own. We don't need him or his money."

I was watching Dr. Goldfarb's face. If she thought anything of Mom's emotional response, she didn't show it. She made some more notes on her pad. When she finished writing she looked up at Mom.

"Thank, you," she said sympathetically.

Dr. Goldfarb continued to interview Mom about our family. She asked about her how my sisters got along with each other and how I got along with them. Mom told her about the change in my behavior that had taken place, after I began being a girl. She wanted to know about school. Mom bragged that I was doing well, now that I had settled down. She gave Beth credit for helping me. Finally, Dr. Goldfarb asked Mom how she felt about me. Mom looked over at me, smiled, and said that she wanted whatever was best for me and my being a girl seemed to make me happy or she wouldn't have encouraged it. To my surprise, I saw Dr. Goldfarb raise an eyebrow.

"You encouraged your son's cross-dressing?" she challenged Mom.

Mom didn't hesitate.

"No, Dr. Goldfarb, I encouraged my son to be himself, whether it was as a boy or a girl. He made the choice."

"So, if he wanted to eat a gallon of ice cream, you would let him make that choice too?"

"No," Mom said defensively, "I would not allow him to do something I knew was not good for him."

"How do you know being a girl is good for him?"

"I don't know if it is good for him or not," Mom conceded. "I do know that he is happy."

"Eating a gallon of ice cream would probably make him happy too, but it would not be good for him," Dr. Goldfarb argued.

I could see that Mom was getting upset at the thought that she might have been wrong. I had to speak up.

"No, Dr. Goldfarb," I interrupted. "I am old enough to know not to eat a gallon of ice cream and I am old enough to make my own decision about being a girl. Mom may have gone along with it, because she loves me, but I am the one responsible."

Dr. Goldfarb looked at her watch.

"It's eight thirty. This is a good time for me to talk to Johnny alone."

Dr. Goldfarb turned to Mom.

"My secretary Brenda should be in by now. Would you go out and do the insurance paperwork, please. It will only be about fifteen minutes. I schedule one hour appointments, but I only have forty five minute sessions, so that one patient leaves before the next arrives, to protect their privacy."

Mom got up and started to the door. She stopped and turned.

"Thank you for seeing us," she said to Dr. Goldfarb.

"You're quite welcome. I will see you in the reception area, when we're done."

Dr. Goldfarb waited until the door closed, then got up and moved to the chair Mom had been sitting in, closer to me. We each turned slightly, so that we were looking at each other.

"What is it that you would like me to do for you?" she asked.

"There's nothing you can do for me," I answered honestly.

"If there's nothing I can do for you, then why are you here?"

"I'm not going to be Jenny anymore. That's the girl's name I use," I explained. "Mom had already made the appointment and she wanted me to meet with you before I stopped."

"Your mother spoke with me on Monday morning, which means that whatever it was that has changed your mind must have happened after that. Would you like to tell me about it?"

I explained about going to the park as Jenny, running into my old gang, thinking that they might have recognized me, being nervous and upset when the principal called me to his office and nearly giving myself away. Dr. Goldfarb added some notes to her pad. I told her how guilty I felt, when I thought that I had gotten my family into trouble. I couldn't live with myself, if that happened, I told her.

She looked at my sympathetically.

"Johnny, I can't tell you what to do, that's up to you, with the guidance of your mother. I can give you some information that might help you to make your decision. My male patients fall into two groups. Those who want to live as women and those who don't."

She saw that I was puzzled.

"Those who do, work with me to prepare themselves for transitioning, starting on hormones to create a more feminine appearance and eventually having reconstructive surgery to give them female anatomy."

Dr. Goldfarb saw the startled expression on my face.

"There's more to being transgendered than just your name and looking pretty, Johnny. Of course, not everyone goes though the complete process. Some stop with just hormones, some don't even go that far. However, no responsible doctor will prescribe hormones and no respectable surgeon will perform a sex change, until a psychiatrist has certified that their patient is a proper candidate. That's why these patients are seeing me and it takes many years of counseling, before they are ready. It's not a decision you have to think about for a very long time," she said reassuringly. "The ones who don't," Dr. Goldfarb continued, "can't, because of social or economic pressure. Family, friends and employers, most of the world, in fact, disapprove of being transgendered. These patients come to me to help them deal with the woman inside them that they can't express. The point I am making, Johnny, is that, if you are transgendered, then you can hide it from others, but not from yourself.

"Do they ever get to be women, Dr. Goldfarb?"

"Yes, most of them do eventually, but it can take many years before they're ready to risk coming out. Fortunately for you, you weren't outed, that means found out, but you can't count on being lucky forever and you are right about the consequences. It is very hard for an adult, even when they are prepared for ridicule and rejection, and, at your age, it would have been even harder on you and those you love."

Dr. Goldfarb looked at her watch.

"Time's up, I'm afraid."

She looked at me.

"If you are coming back, what name would you like me to call you?"

"Jenny, please."

"Well, Jenny, it was nice to meet you."

Dr. Goldfarb got up. I got up. I couldn't help myself. I walked over, put my arms around her and gave her a hug. To my surprise, she held me. After a minute, we released each other. She walked to the door and opened it. Mom got up when she saw me come out.

"We are running late," Dr. Goldfarb told her. "You need to go along. Please call Brenda next week and make another appointment for Jenny."

I saw Mom grin when she heard Dr. Goldfarb call me Jenny and ask her to schedule another appointment.

"Yes, Dr. Goldfarb, thank you so much."

Dr. Goldfarb turned and went back into her office. We hurried out. There was no conversation as we walked to the elevator and through the lobby to the car. Mom found the ticket, paid the attendant and we drove out of the parking lot.

"Well, don't keep me in suspense," Mom said to me in the privacy of our car.

"The problem wasn't with my being Jenny," I explained. "It was with my not being able to deal with being found out. The solution is to wait until I am ready. I don't have to stop being a girl. From what Dr. Goldfarb explained, I couldn't if I wanted to. I just have to stop going out as one for now."

"Well, I'll certainly enjoy having Jenny around the house," Mom said cheerfully, "and so will your sisters." She thought for a moment, "and maybe there is a way for you to enjoy going out."

I shook my head.

"Sorry, been there, done that, too risky, no thank you."

Mom laughed.

"How about," Mom continued, "if we went someplace where nobody knows us? School will be out in a few weeks. We could take a trip. Maybe visit your Aunt Nancy, just a mother and her three beautiful daughters on vacation. We've never gone away as a family before. It would be fun."

"Mom, please don't take this personally, but are you nuts? I can see it now. Hi Aunt Nancy, hi Uncle Carl, hi Greg, hi Patty, maybe hold out the hem of my dress and do a little curtsey. Of all the places to go where I would be recognized as a boy, Aunt Nancy's would be on the top of the list."

"She already knows Dear," Mom said matter-of-factly.

"What! Mom, you couldn't, you didn't, how could you, why would you. Oh my God, I can't believe that you told her. Mom, what were you thinking? I'll never be able to see them now and they're the only relatives that we have."

"Calm down, honey. Do you have any secrets from your sisters?" Mom asked me.

"No," I answered.

"Well neither do I. Aunt Nancy loves you and, if I support you, then so does she."

"What about Uncle Carl, Greg and Patty. Do they know?"

"No. It was between us and I am sure Nancy wouldn't say anything to them without asking me first."

I let out a sigh of relief.

"Okay, I guess, but that still doesn't mean that the rest of her family will accept me as Jenny when they find out."

"There's more to the story. Family secrets get shared both ways," Mom said with a smile. "Greg is gay. He came out about a year ago."

"No way! Greg is gay? Impossible. He played sports. He was like a man's man."

"Apparently so," Mom joked.

We both laughed.

"When he graduated, he went to culinary school. He met Gary there. They fell in love and they're living together in the city and trying to get together enough money to open their own restaurant."

"I can see Uncle Carl now, first Greg, now me. He will think our side of the family is really demented."

"Except that Greg is his son from his first marriage. He isn't related to our side of the family. I would say you even things up," Mom kidded me.

"What about Cousin Patty? First her brother and now me, she doesn't have any secrets, does she?"

"Not that I know of, but she's a sweetheart. She has accepted Greg and Gary and I am sure she will accept you too. So, what do you say?"

"Sounds good, but I think I should run it by Dr. Goldfarb, when I see her next time."

"Agreed," said Mom.

We were silent for a few minutes and then I turned to Mom.

"You know, I'd really like to fill out my clothes a little better. When we were at the mall, Beth dragged me into a lingerie shop and, before I could get her out of there, a salesgirl come over and showed us some teen bras that gave you a figure. I wonder Mom, do you think I could get one?"

"Sure, Honey," Mom said with a sniffle.

"Mom, what's wrong now?"

"Oh, it's just that buying your daughter her first bra is a special day for a mother. It means your little girl is becoming a woman."

I shook my head.

"Mom, even with a bra, it will be a while before Jenny becomes a woman."

THE BEGINNING