Reflections of the heart

Sydney Moya

©2015

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Chapter four

The look on Lily’s face assured Marshall she was going to do what she said and frustrated he growled then stalked out of the house. They heard his car leave moments later. Mel looked at her mother and Alex.

“What’s going on?”

“Am I hurting you guys by being like this?” Alex asked, tears streaming down her face.

There was no answer from the two women.

“I can’t help how I feel ok, I just can’t help it,” she sobbed.

Mel wrapped her arms around her.

“Shh, don’t be upset,” she murmured as she held her sibling.

The rift between Marshall and Alex solidified. After their altercation neither of them talked to the other even when they met at Lily’s and their mother and little sister couldn’t get them to see eye to eye.

Alex thought her brother hated her for transitioning but he didn’t want to consider the pain she’d gone through before her transition before judging her. She felt that he saw it as irrelevant and it hurt which is why she saw no reason to bother with him anymore. She loved him but saw no reason to talk to someone who would only mock her and make no effort to understand.

Marshall meanwhile told Mel he thought what Alex was doing was weird and he didn’t want to associate with her. When Mel tried to point out how much better off Alex was this way Marshall had said he didn’t want to hear it.

“I’m not going to be brainwashed into believing my brother is a girl, so don’t start,” he’d told her.

“Why are you so stubborn?”

“I’m the one who is stubborn, look Mel if you want to believe Alex is your sister knock yourself out but don’t expect me to agree with you ok. I don’t like it and won’t pretend with you,” said Marshall before walking away.

As a result Alex began to visit her mother’s less often as she didn’t want to be the cause of another fight or argument or be stared at either. Her love life also took a blow too, weeks after putting their relationship on ice she’d bumped into Tommy at one of her favourite haunts with another girl. Just from his reaction on seeing her and the way he was holding the other girl Alex knew they were a couple. She turned and left, trying not to cry.

Tommy sent her a text.

“We should see other people. It was nice being with you but we’re not right for each other,” he wrote.

Alex was devastated. She knew Tommy had only broken up with her because of her status as a trans-woman which only made her pain worse.

Will I ever be happy she wondered repeatedly that night or was I born to be miserable?

Mel and Lindsay did their best to cheer her up and it worked to a point. Alex didn’t become depressed and continued to make progress with her life. She got a promotion at work for her sterling efforts on the project she’d been assigned and it meant a raise. Despite this she was lonely, she longed for someone to love and worry about.

Meanwhile Lindsay’s relationship with Donny who happened to be Tommy’s best friend was going like a house on fire. Lindsay told her they were in love. She thought he was the one and while Alex was happy for her friend it brought home just how alone she was. In a way her life felt empty and she wondered when that gaping hole would be filled.

Alex had become an attractive young woman but didn’t like going out to be seen to catch guys as she was afraid of getting another Tommy. She couldn’t see the point of going through that all over again. Her life became one of going to work then going home making a meal and taking a long bath before vegging out in front of the telly or reading a good book. She was quite content with her life aside from her estrangement from her brother. Weekends were about chilling at home and getting groceries. If Lindsay or Mel were around it meant they’d drag her shopping which was okay too. She drew the line at clubbing and that sort of thing. She just didn’t want to get hit on and then meet someone she liked who wouldn’t be able to handle her being mtf.

She rarely went to her mother’s because of her brother but called her regularly just to check in and let her know she was okay. Lily tried to get her to come over more often but Alex didn’t want another confrontation with her brother. This resulted in her missing her mother’s birthday as well as Thanksgiving and Christmas. She was just sick of being seen as a weirdo which deep down she suspected was how Marshall and even Lily saw her.

Time flew by and before she knew it, a year of Real life experience had passed by and she was eligible for surgery.

When she told her mother about qualifying for the surgery, Lily didn’t take too kindly to it.

“I think you’re going into this too fast,’ she told her child.

“I’ve needed this for years Mom, it’s long overdue,” Alex returned.

Lily shook her head.

“You could be making a mistake, how can this surgery be good for you?”

“I thought we discussed this,” Alex replied.

“No you told me and your brother and sister that you were a woman and that was that,” said Lily.

Alex’s mouth dropped open.

“What would you have me do? Continue being unhappy?”

“Sweetheart this surgery isn’t going to make you happy, let alone a woman,” Lily answered before taking a binder she’d compiled from her research.

“Please take a look at this,” she requested.

Alex took the proffered item and began leafing through it. It was full of articles about sex-change regret, unwanted outcomes and postulations from some doctors that the surgery was unwarranted and akin to mutilation. She patiently read it while her mother watched.

“This isn’t true in most cases Mom,” she said at the end, “there are studies that show that most people who go through this process properly are quite happy with the outcome even 10 years after the fact. These doctors are also a minority in the field. Most importantly I don’t want to carry on with a body I’m not comfortable with, I’ve felt like this since I was 5 and I’m tired of it, I’m a woman and I want my body to reflect that,” Alex opined.

“This surgery won’t make you a woman,” Lily replied, “no matter how much like a woman you may look like,’’ she insisted.

Alex shook her head, “It won’t make me a woman because I’ve always been one. I just want my body to reflect that,” she answered.

“You’re a man Alex, there are doctors who can help you see that,” said Lily.

Alex was stunned by her mother’s assertions. She stood up.

“Goodbye Mom,” she said.

“Alex,” said Lily.

“No, I get it you don’t see me as your daughter but I don’t have to sit here and listen to that,’ she said sadly.

She walked out of the house tears flowing down her cheeks. She drove home experiencing a variety of emotions. There was anger that her mother couldn’t accept her identity and it felt she was belittling what she’d gone through. She was also sad that her mother wasn’t behind her and simply didn’t understand what she was going through. Alex realised that she’d been hoping her mother would embrace her and accept her as her daughter; the reality of the situation was a crushing blow though. Her mother didn’t see her as a woman nor did her brother.

‘Did Mel agree with them too?’

She felt so alone.

Alex had her surgery the following weekend. She’d had last minute doubts which were no doubt exacerbated by her mother’s words but on the whole had remained convinced she needed to get it done. It was rather painful but Alex felt relieved she’d done it. It was a rite of passage she’d been so eager to undergo. Once again Lindsay was with her when she woke up. They talked about her journey to this point and Lindsay encouraged her no to give up on her family. Alex wasn’t so sure she could be bothered to fight for them anymore especially after her mother’s crushing opinions. She said she’d think about it. Lindsay looked at her askance but said nothing. To her surprise Mel showed up a few days after their conversation.

“Hey sis,” Mel began when she walked into her room, “Congratulations!”

Mel kissed her on the cheek and gave her a bunch of flowers.

“Hi Mel,” said a stunned Alex, wondering how she’d known.

After her conversation with Lily, Alex couldn’t bear facing any more rejection from her family over her decision. As a result she hadn’t told Mel about going for her surgery.

“Surprised? Lindsay told me,” continued Mel, “why didn’t you tell me?”

“I couldn’t,” said Alex, looking away.

“I thought we’d got past keeping secrets,” said Mel, sounding hurt.

“I wasn’t sure how you’d react,” said Alex softly.

“I’m your sister and I have always been behind you,” Mel retorted.

“I know and I’m sorry,” said Alex, her eyes watering up, “It’s just that when I told Mom, she said I was making a mistake,” she admitted.

Mel’s eyebrows shot up.

“She didn’t,” she murmured.

“She did, she says I’m a man,” said Alex softly, “and that there are doctors who could help me see that,” she finished.

Mel sat down next to her and placed an arm around her.

About a month or so after her surgery Alex stood in front of mirror in her birthday suit. Looking back at her was the woman she’d felt she was. She looked beautiful. Her full breasts sat proudly on her chest, while her waist tapered in before going out again as it met her hips. Gone were the hated parts that had caused her so much despair and in their place sat the lovely jewel she’d fought so hard to get.

‘Finally I’m whole’ she thought. This was what she’d longed for her entire life.

Her new vagina looked perfect.

She smiled at her image, feeling absolutely content with her body for the first time in her life. Alex loved the feeling. It was so good not to feel wrong anymore when she saw her reflection in the mirror. She wished she’d done this earlier in life. It wasn’t that she’d wanted a vagina per se it was more about being comfortable in her own skin. She’d known she was female from a young age before she knew about the difference between men and women down there, she’d had a vague sense of unease with the parts she’d been born with and with puberty it had only worsened to the point of considering chopping it off. She was sure men didn’t feel that way and it only reinforced her feelings of being a woman.

Ever since she’d had surgery Alex hadn’t been in contact with her mother. She felt there was nothing to say to her. Lily had called a number of times but Alex had ignored the calls, as she didn’t see the point of rehashing a topic that would only hurt her. She wanted to move forward with her life and as much as she loved her mother she felt Lily wanted her to be her son, someone she couldn’t be anymore.

Lily meanwhile was also upset about Alex getting the surgery, she wasn’t sure Alex would benefit from it and it seemed like a painful mutilation to her that didn’t serve any purpose. As such she thought Alex was making a mistake and had let her know. When Alex had turned and walked away after she’d said that she’d realised she’d hurt her. When Mel had come home and told her Alex had had the surgery without no complications a part of her had been relieved her child was ok while another part was saddened by the drastic action Alex had chosen. She tried getting in touch but Alex hadn’t picked up her phone which made her realise she was being ignored.

Lily wondered where she’d gone wrong with her child, had she neglected Alex after her husband passed away, had she failed to provide a strong male role model for her? Why hadn’t she noticed Alex’s depression? It broke her heart to realise that her child didn’t want to talk to her but she realised that she couldn’t force it.

She just prayed that Alex wouldn’t keep her out forever and that she could achieve some happiness.

to be continued