This one is dark, very dark. Do not read this expecting lightness, it describes how petticoat punishment can go very, very WRONG. I wrote it to let out a lot of dark feelings, and am posting it here because it is a work of mine, not because I expect feedback. You have been warned.
It came to a head when I kicked my brother in the stomach. We were always fighting, and I was the smaller one, so I had to be meaner too to survive. Ever since dad left, I guess John and I both got into a lot of trouble. But I always had to prove I was more macho than my brother, because fear was the only thing that kept him from really hurting me. I would hurt him, nothing too serious, but painful and bruising, and it would remind him not to attack me for a while.
John's over six feet tall and pretty muscular too. I'm only five-eight, and kind of wiry. I still remember when he broke my leg a month after Dad left. We had just begun the fighting then, and Mom didn't see it as a serious problem yet, just boys rough-housing. It took two months to heal, and I learned quick that I had to be tough or it would happen again.
Anyway, one day I kicked my brother in the stomach, and he actually threw up. I knew I'd be safe from him for a week or two after that, but Mom didn't understand at all.
"Eric, that's the last straw. I can't take the way you fight with your brother, so I'm going to stop it here and now. You go upstairs right now and change into the clothes I have laid out on your bed, or I'm sending you to military school.
The local military school is even worse than my brother, I've seen the way it changes kids into neo-nazis. One kid actually died there a year back, they said it was from an asthma attack, and the adults believed it because they wanted to, but I knew the truth. The guy who did it bragged about it around the high school and the story spread fast. If you're not macho enough, you get beat with soap wrapped in towels by every boy in your class, or worse. The poor kid that died had a pillow stuffed in his face and sat on. They knew he had asthma.
When I went upstairs, there was a dress on my bed. Pink dress, pink panties, pink bra, and pantyhose. They were kind of pretty, and who knows, in another world maybe I'd have enjoyed wearing them. But this was reality, and I knew they were a sentence to beatings, torture and maybe worse from my brother. And that's if it stayed in the house.
Still, I could take a beating pretty well, and John knows I'm meaner than him, so maybe I could manage until Mom was finished with her punishment. Maybe she'd even realize it would be dangerous for me, and protect me.
They were only clothes, really, so I put them on. It felt kind of nice, and I smiled. Maybe I could get through this.
I went back downstairs and Mom immediately snapped a picture. I knew at that moment I was screwed.
"There, now if you don't want the world to know how you're being punished, you'll go along with it like a good girl. I've done some research, and this petticoat punishment is a widely used and recognized way to transform rough bad-boys into obedient disciplined men. And maybe with you as an example, your brother won't have to go through it too."
Yeah right, like she could ever find these things sized for him, or get them on him. She's about my size, but John would break her in half.
"Mom, you can't do this, they'll kill me!"
"You're exaggerating. Besides, if you be a good girl, no one will ever know but you, me and your brother. It will stay in this house."
"John will kill me then! He's mean, and this will really give him an excuse!"
"Eric, maybe you should have thought of that before you hurt him again. You two are going to stop fighting, or you will both end up in dresses at school."
There would be no convincing her, and she had blackmail material. I was so far in it I'd need a snorkel.
On the way back up the stairs I caught John staring at me. It was unnerving, I had no idea what he was thinking but I knew it couldn't be good for me.
For three days, I came home after school and dressed up pretty like Mom told me to. She had me completely under her control, if those pictures got out I'd never be safe at school. And if she sent me to the military academy after that... I'd be lucky to suffocate under a pillow.
For those first three days, things seemed to go pretty smoothly though. John left me alone mostly, I think he didn't know what to make of it. I kind of got used to the dresses, they were comfortable and soft. I even started helping with housework and being nice to people. It seemed like maybe it was a good idea, and maybe I'd even want to be a girl, it seemed so much calmer than having to be macho and tough all the time.
Then the fourth night, it happened. John came into my room while I was asleep. I woke up to him holding one of my knives to my neck and his big dirty hand on my mouth.
"You like being a girl, don'tcha, Eric? You wanna be all soft and pretty and gay. You're pretty convincing you know. Maybe I should try you out, you know? I bet you'll love being fucked like a sissy girl, won't you? Don't scream for Mom, I don't wanna kill something so pretty."
I stayed perfectly still, I knew he'd do it. It was only a matter of time the way things were going, before one of us killed the other anyway.
John turned me over and used the knife to cut off the nighty Mom got me. He didn't have to, but I think he did it to remind me he had the knife. I lay on my stomach hoping it was a nightmare and I would wake up and could go cry to Mom about it, but I knew it wasn't. The cold metal of my knife and the rough grip my brother had on my arm told me this was the worst kind of nightmare, the kind that's real and happening right now.
"You be quiet little bitch, you're gonna like this anyway."
It hurt. Like fire ripping through me it hurt. I think it hurt him too a little, until I started bleeding and everything got slick. I didn't dare scream in pain, he still had the knife pressed against my back.
It took forever. It hurt and hurt, and the pain kept going for hours, days, weeks, months... And then he was gone. It still hurt.
My knife was stuck in the headboard of my bed, a reminder that he would kill me. I barely noticed it, curled up in a ball, crying silently, hurting. Everything was bloody, blood was all I could see, smell, taste...
I don't think I slept, I don't think I even moved until morning.
Morning came, and Mom called me down for school. I told her I was sick and pulled the blankets up over my head to hide my shame. I didn't want her to see how bloody and dirty I was.
"Erica, you come down for school right now young lady, or you can wear your nighty when you go."
She was standing at my door when I peeked my head out of the blankets. When she saw my face, her expression changed.
"You really are sick, aren't you? Okay, you can stay home, I'll take you to the doctor after work. John already left for school, so you'll have the house to yourself until three."
Good, I didn't want to see anybody. Ever. After Mom left I ran a hot shower and cleaned myself up. I scrubbed me skin raw, but couldn't bring myself to touch my behind, it hurt too much. Hot water burned like fire again, but it helped after a minute, and the dried blood washed away. it kept bleeding, but I sneaked one of Mom's pads to deal with that. I didn't want anyone to know, ever.
I changed my sheets and scrubbed my mattress, it was stained, but clean sheets would hide it. I wore my pink dress, the one from the first day, while I cleaned. I hurt inside and out, and I did feel sick. Every time I thought of what happened I went to the bathroom to throw up, or dry heave after the first few times.
I thought about it almost constantly, too. Every movement aggravated my wound, I couldn't not think about it. I lay down and watched TV for a while, hoping to distract myself, but it didn't help. Every time a girl in a dress showed up on the screen, I was reminded.
The day went slow, but three did eventually come. John came home. I knew he would, and I knew what I had to do. He wasn't going to stop. He knew I was weak, and he would want to remind me. A lot.
I waited by the door with my biggest knife in my hand. It was a big bowie, sharp as a razor, cost me almost a hundred dollars.
When John walked in, all I could see was blood. My blood. He was raping me again, and I was never gonna stop bleeding. When the blood cleared, John had the knife, and was waving it at me.
"You thought you were gonna kill me? You don't have the guts. You really are a girl."
I ran; he grabbed at me but I was faster. I was out the back door and running for my life, I could feel his breath on my neck, his hands holding my arms roughly, the blood...
I ran until I fell; I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see, my whole world was pain again. I could feel blood on my legs, grass in my face, but John didn't have me. I was in a field outside town, and John was nowhere near. It was just me, my dress, and the blood.
I was bleeding a lot. I didn't know I could bleed so much. Maybe I would bleed to death, die in that field, and not hurt anymore. I drifted in and out of consciousness, until I couldn't lay there any more. He was coming, I was sure of it, and he would find me.
I climbed to my feet, and limped to the highway just outside town. As I neared the street, I saw a black and white car approaching. Something in my mind said that was safety, but I couldn't figure out why. I limped in front of the car and fell asleep again.
I woke up some time later in a soft, warm bed in a room that bsmelled like antiseptic. Something was beeping slowly nearby, and my arm hurt.
'Great, I'm in a hospital. They have to know now, they know I was a boy in a dress, they know I'd been raped, they probably even know who I am. Maybe Mom and John are coming to get me now!'
I tried to jump out of the bed, but the IV pulled and I couldn't seem to overcome gravity. I did manage to lean to the side and heave for a bit, but the iron grip on my stomach told me I had nothing to throw up.
I looked around the sterile room and tried not to cry. They would come and get me, take me home, and it would never stop. John would rape me again, kill me, and I'd go to hell because dirty people like me don't get in to heaven. And he'd be there in hell too, it would never end.
A policeman walked into the room, and looked at me like he cared. It was weird, why would a cop care about a dirty crossdressing boy? He should hate me.
"Miss, are you okay? Do you remember your name?"
Miss? He thought I was really a girl? At least they wouldn't be coming for me, if they didn't know who I was.
"Miss, I know you have been through a lot, but I'm here to help, really. I won't let anyone hurt you again. The doctor already did the necessary checkup, you slept through the worst part, and you're going to live, though you lost a lot of blood. You are safe now."
"I'm... I'm not a girl you know. My real name is Eric." I don't know why, but I told him. Maybe he would hate me once he knew the truth, I knew I deserved to be hated.
"It's okay. I don't mind, and if you want me to call you Miss, or Mister, or Eric, that's fine. I just want to help you."
I started crying. Why wouldn't he hate me? How could he care for a dirty freak like me? I wanted to be hated, I hated myself.
"Shhh, now, it's okay, cry if it helps. You're safe now. Do you want to tell me what happened? Should I call your parents? You'll have to tell me the rest of your name if you want me to call them."
*sniffle* "No... No, don't call, he'll come and get me again... He'll kill me, he'll..."
I could barely see him through the tears, but the big dark blob got bigger, and a warm hand rested on my shoulder. I think I jumped, because it went away.
"Shhh, don't worry, I won't let him hurt you again. Did your father do this to you?"
"No..." *sniffle* "My... b... brother..." I was shaking so hard the bed was rattling, and a big white blob came in and reached near me, then I went to sleep again. At least I wasn't dreaming, I knew I would have nightmares if I did.
I woke up again and the policeman was sitting in a chair next to me. I think he was sleeping, but when I moved a little to get more comfortable, he got up.
"Are you okay? I'm sorry I upset you, you don't have to talk about it."
"Eric Walters. My mom is Cassandra, my brother is John. Our dad left 2 years ago. This dress was my punishment for fighting with my brother. I... I started to like it before John..."
"It's okay, you don't have to talk about it. But if you want to, I'm here."
"I... I can't stop being scared. He's going to come here and kill me, or... or worse. He has my knife. I can't run far enough, never, and when he kills me I'll go to hell cuz I'm so dirty and bad..."
"He won't get you, Eric... I'll keep you safe. I was so scared when you fell in front of my car, you know. I will protect you, because you don't deserve what happened. No one does. It's not your fault, and I care about you. I have kids of my own you know, and you remind me a lot of Sarah. I will protect you just like I would her, okay?"
I believed him. He made me feel safe, though I still couldn't stop being scared. And I was so bad, I didn't think I deserved his caring.
"Call me Erica, I don't wanna be Eric anymore. Eric was bad. I'm bad, officer. I tried to kill John, I was going to stab him and never stop. Then I was gonna kill myself, once he was dead. I don't deserve to be protected. If he hadn't taken away my knife, I'd be a killer, and dead."
"Erica, it doesn't matter. You're safe now, and you didn't kill anyone. It was wrong to try, but I don't blame you. You've been through a lot. But don't worry, you're safe." He patted me on the head, maybe he does that with his daughter too. I wished he was my dad, instead of the man who left so long ago. I wished I was his daughter, but I wasn't. I was just some trash he picked up on the side of the road, even though he thought I was better than that.
"I wanna sleep. Sleep forever and never dream, cuz the nightmares won't stop if I dream."
He sat by the bed while I drifted some more.
When I woke up again, mom was there, and the policeman too. I saw his badge, it said Lt. Chalkers. John wasn't there.
"Honey, I'm so sorry... I didn't know... I just wanted to stop you from fighting before you killed each other, I never thought... Can you ever forgive me?"
"Mom, it's not your fault. It was working, I was getting better... But I can't get better Mom, even when I was getting better, I wasn't, because I still let him... I didn't fight, Mama, I didn't! I just let him rape me, and that's bad too, worse than fighting. I'm so sorry, Mama..." I was crying again, I wondered if I'd ever stop crying, and Mama was hugging me and crying too.
"I'm so sorry, baby, John's gone, they took him to juvenile detention, he'll never hurt you again. I won't ever make you wear girl clothes again, I'm so sorry..."
"No, Mama, don't make me be Eric, Eric was bad, I don't wanna be bad anymore. I wanna be good, even if I am dirty. I tried to clean up, Mama, but I'm still dirty. I'm so scared..."
I knew I wasn't making sense, but Mama understood. After a few days she took me home, and I never had to be Eric again. Officer Chalkers kept in contact with me, he must really have cared. He was divorced just like Mom, and he came over a lot. Eventually he married Mom, and he became my Daddy just like I hoped. Sarah is a really nice sister, she knows about me, and she told me she went through a lot too. Apparently that's why Daddy became a policeman in the first place.
It's been five years now, John never came back. I don't know what happened to him and I don't wanna know. I still lock the doors all the time, but that's common sense. John doesn't have a key, and he doesn't know where we live now anyway. I think Mom still calls him wherever he is, but she doesn't invite him home.
I've had a lot of therapy, I still feel dirty, but I've been really good. I help out at home, I don't get in fights, and Mama is slowly starting to give in to my requests for hormones. Funny, but if things hadn't gone as bad as they did, maybe I would have transitioned right after Mama started making me dress up. Instead it took me four years of therapy to even realize who I am. It's still hard sometimes, I think it always will be, but I am healing, and taking my transition slowly.
One thing I know, if I make a family of my own, and if I ever have kids, I will NEVER force them to wear clothes they don't want to, or that humiliate them.
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