Every morning, I get up, look at this body of mine, and wonder how I can possibly make being female work. I mean, put it in a suit and have it lose 50 pounds, and it would probably be called "handsome".

And yet here I am, trying to change that, and somehow make this body pass as a woman's.

Its dam hard, and sometimes, it feels like a hopeless task, so why do I bother?

I've never had enough discipline in my life to reach any goal I've set, so why do I think this will be any different than when I tried to become a nurse, or before that a teacher?

Well, finished dealing with the insurance company for the moment, and I got both the bad news and the worse news. The bad news is that due to the non-payment I was cut off as of April 1, and to re-start a policy I'm going to have to pay the yearly cost up front. So somehow over the next little bit I'm going to have to come up with 18,000 $ up front to have coverage for the upcoming year.

When I was a very young creature of uncertain gender, my brother began having vision troubles that ended with him having operations and needing to wear glasses. Not long after, I began to complain about my eyes as well, but something funny happened.

Nobody believed me.

They assumed that I was just trying to being like my big brother, and so patted me on the head, and told me to stop being silly.

It took months before my teacher finally told my parents to have my eyes actually checked, and it turned out I did indeed need glasses, and I wear them to this day.

Well, yesterday I made the first steps to getting myself out of the hole I've dug. My brother took me to the police station and I made my statement regarding the accident, and was given a ticket for distracted driving. My insurance company is closed for the holiday weekend (Its Victoria Day Monday), so the next step will be on Tuesday, and that one could be worse.

Sorry for the drama everyone. I'm okay, I'll be okay. Yeah, I probably made my life a thousand times more difficult, but somehow, I'll find a way through this. My feelings came out of exhaustion, hormones, and being an UN-medicated bipolar person with a life history that has produced a "failure tape" - a list of my mistakes that seems ready to play over and over again in my head at a moment's notice.

Last night while I was puttering around here I got a message that someone wanted to talk. Turned out it was a young woman who was feeling suicidal. Among other things, she was struggling with having been sexually abused at a very young age. She sounded quite serious about killing herself, saying she had a wire around her neck, and I desperately begged her not to do it. I used every argument I could think of, and got her to take off the wire. Eventually, she signed off to go to bed, so I can only hope she will seek some professional help. I hope I helped her.

Got called a "monster" by some kids at Sam's school today, and a kid was told, "Look out, its headed your way."

I have no idea where this came from, or what I could have possibly done to deserve that, but it kinda hurt.

Ah, well.

Well, my weekend has been pretty full so far. First, on Saturday morning at work, I pulled my knee and spent the last hour or so basically doing my job on one leg. Its not hurting now, but its a reminder that one day, and probably sooner than I would like, I'll be either disabled or looking for another job, or both ....

Then Saturday evening I had the dinner for my mom and ex in celebration of Mother's day. Went okay, except having my mom use the male pronoun stung ....

well, today isnt a bad day so far, but I'm feeling a tad grumpy, and I'm not really sure why. Its not one of my black dog days, where I have to fight off feeling like a worthless failure. Its not even one of those days where I feel like a fake, that I will never be a "real" woman no matter what I do. Its just a blech day, and I guess those happen sometimes.

Ah, well.

Every day, I'm faced with choices. Some are trivial, some could be life-altering. Sometimes, I can see the right choice without much problem, and others I really struggle with trying to figure out what to do.

One choice I'm dealing with right now has to do with my plans for mother's day. See, my ex, my mom, my daughter, and my brother and sister-in-law are going to a restaurant, and of course I'm going to.

But the question I've been dealing with is this: What the heck do I wear?

I had my session with my rape councilor today, and among other things we talked about boundaries. Its something I struggle with, tending to go back into passive-aggressive rather than state my needs and wants clearly.

But, bit by bit, I'm getting stronger and more confident, and I hope to continue my growth in this area.

I've been thinking a lot about what's been going on between me and my brother and sister-in-law, and I think I understand their point of view. Essentially, they dont think that Dorothy is real, that there is no woman buried under this male flesh.

I'm pretty sure most of you have seen the image - the person faced with a choice with an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other, trying to decide which way to go.

Well, I have at least one devil on my shoulder, whose name is Worthlessness, and today he was very active, listing all my failures, ready to convince me I am only a source of grief to those who dare come close to me. It got to the point where I was seriously trying to figure out if ending my life would be a net gain for the people around me or not.

just came back from a regular maintenance for my car, and the lady complimented me on how well I've maintained the car since I bought it. As someone who struggles with feeling competent, it felt rather nice.

I'm not sure what's going on in my head at the moment. I feel so depressed I could curl up into a ball and so up I could practically float away, both at the same exact moment.

Ah, well.

As most of you know, I like to try different things with my writing, some work, some dont. With my latest piece, I wanted to create an interactive story, where the readers would determine what happens next. Based on the number of kudos, I'd say it didnt come off as well as I could have hoped.

Ah, well.

well, I had a productive day off today. I took a load of my old boy clothes to a charity, and then took my bottles to the depot to be recycled. The lady at the depot called me Ma'am, which was a nice touch. Then I took the money I had made and got a pedicure done, which really made me very happy, even if I found the lady who worked on me rather brusk. The end result of it was I now have radioactive pink toenails, which will keep me smiling for a bit.

Nice to actually get some stuff done, you know?

yesterday at work while I was in the washroom, I stood up, and for a moment saw myself pants down in the mirror, seeing everything. I dont think I could possibly explain how ugly that part of me seems to me, how ... wrong it feels to have male parts.

I actually cried at the sight.

Sigh.

well, I planned to meet a friend for lunch today, so I got a little femmed up for the occasion - skirt, hose, heels, necklace, lipstick and eye shadow. I had a nice lunch, and am doing my laundry with no hurry to change into pants for work. Its hard for me to explain to someone who isnt trans how .... nice a feeling this is.

Well, despite the temptation to wallow in feeling down, I'm fighting back. Yeah, sometimes, life sucks, but you got to carry on. Its not in good times you find out who you are, but how you deal with troubles. So I'm going to keep fighting to find positive things in my life, no matter how hard I have to look. I'm a stronger woman than my fears would have me believe, and I can do this.