Dorothy Colleen

Quentin and Larry

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Quentin and Larry

Quentin and Larry were the best of friends, right up to the point everything fell apart, and in the end, nobody was ever quite the same.

Both boys were very similar in body type. They were both slender, with soft, almost feminine faces. This lead them to be the targets of local bullies, and so they only really had each other for friends for a long time.

Ten Years Gone

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Ten Years Gone

Author's note. This is the counterpoint to my last story, "Five years Gone." Its a little bit more hopeful, I hope you like it.

Well, well, well. I just looked at the membership file, and I can’t believe its been a decade since I became a member of this site. Boy, has a lot changed in that time, huh? Especially for me. Who would have believed the scared person who still believed she could “cure” herself of wanting to be a woman would be where I am now?

a feeling of impending doom

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Been struggling with a feeling of impending doom the last couple of days, which is why I wrote "Five years gone". Not sure why, but it might have to do with the stress at work and getting some negative feedback over my speed there from my supervisor. I hope I can get through this feeling, but much more importantly, I hope the doom doesnt happen.

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Five Years Gone

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Five Years Gone

Author’s note: this is a story of a possible future, and a bleak one at that. Take care reading it.

Hey guys, its Dot. Sorry its been so long since I’ve been on, but I’ve only just recently been allowed Internet privileges, and it took me a while to convince the Powers That Be to let me have the time away from therapy to post this update.

I look around at this place, and I can’t help wondering how the heck I ended up in here. How did things go so bad, so quickly?

a bit of breast development?

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Yesterday, when I was getting dressed, I noticed I'm getting a little definition in my breasts - they seem slightly more "perky" and I have cleavage. It looks a little different from the "moobs" (Man-boobs) I have had up to now. It might just be my imagination, since I have had no "growing pains" there, but I'll take it.

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The Dead Kid Returns - Chapter 4: Phase two

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The Dead Kid Returns: Chapter 4: Phase Two

Beth decided that it was time for Phase two of her plan to help the new kid. One Thursday, as they read together in the park, she asked, “Could we get together on Saturday? Maybe you could come over to my house?”

“Or I could come to yours.” She added.

“I’ll ask.” the new kid said softly.

The next morning, the new kid said to her, “You can come over Saturday, if you want to.”

“I do.”

The new kid gave her the address and a phone number, and then retreated a little.

The Power of "She"

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I had an interesting moment at work. A customer was waiting for service at the jewelry counter, so I paged for a cashier person to come over. As I was walking away, his wife came up, and said she had had no luck finding someone to help them. Then the man pointed at me and said, "She paged for us."

"She."

This was no sales person hoping for my business, nor even a co-worker with an obligation to be tolerant, but a customer, a stranger.

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Edward's Storm

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Edward’s Storm

My son Edward had been a happy baby, a quiet and shy toddler. Then, he hit puberty, and suddenly, he changed. Great bouts of anger and depression became the norm for him. At the time, I passed it off as the normal growing pains of a young man, until one day, something happened to change my mind.

I came home to find he had gathered a pile of pictures and put them on the floor. He was trembling, and there were tears streaming down his face.

I asked him gently, “Eddie, what are you doing with those pictures?”

“I want them gone.”

Watched a triple bill of Jim Henson movies

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I bought a 3 dvd set of Jim Henson movies: The dark crystal, Labyrinth, and Mirrormask. They are incredible, and its interesting that two of the films have teen girls as the lead characters. Its also kinda interesting how much I could identify with these two girls, and how much I learned from them. Just one of those things, I guess.

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a lesson from the new muppet movie

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Went and saw "The Muppets" tonight. Its a good film, and there was one moment that I especially enjoyed. The main human character says to his muppet brother:

He said: "You've always believed in others, but that's easy. Now you have to believe in yourself, and figure out who you want to be. Because that's what growing up is all about."

I thought it was profound.

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The Dead Kid Returns - Chapter 3; A Quiet Beginning

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The Dead Kid Returns:

Chapter 3: A Quiet Beginning

Beth felt one thing for sure - Time was running out.

She could feel the spirit of the new kid, the bright female spark hidden inside a male shell getting weaker. She knew she had to act fast, if she was going to help the new kid, so she steeled her courage, and waited until classes got out.

This might be difficult enough without an audience.

She followed the new kid for a block, and then said, “Hay. Wait up!”

The new kid turned, and looked at her.

being stealth vs. being out

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I know most trans-people try to be as stealth as possible - some going as far as changing towns to escape from their past as the opposite gender. But for me, because of my circumstances, this simply isnt an option for me. I have no choice but to be up front about who I am and what I'm doing. There are many times when I wonder what it would be like to be treated as a woman, full stop, but I doubt that will happen. Ah well.

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a "Declaration of war" on cis gendered people?

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I want to provide this web link, while making it clear I don't agree with this person. I understand the anger, but I dont believe that violence would solve anything.

http://sindee.wordpress.com/2011/12/12/manifesto-or-an-open-...

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a better day at work, with a funny moment at the end

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Well, last night went much more smoothly, despite my being in some physical pain. But the topper was when I had to tell a co-worker (who is always rather silent around me) that he had to take a pile of pallets outside. He dropped them in the freezer section of the store instead, and then shook his head, Once I got out of range of him, I started giggling, because it occurred to me to wonder if he was being sexist - he just didnt want to take an order from a girl. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

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A cousin has cancer

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We got a phone call from my aunt Pat last night, saying that her eldest son has cancer. Apparently, he had some before, and was cured, but the new one isnt the same as the old. I guess he is estranged from his dad, and Pat is angry that the boy's father cant put aside their differences because he's sick. It reminded me of the rest of my family, who have taken the ability to hold a grudge and perfected it into an art form. One of these days I should find a way to come out to them, but as they are not part of my life much, if they reject me, I dont lose much. Ah, well.

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A song saved my night

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Well, last night I was starting to feel a wave a grief coming on, and I got to wondering what I could do to endure it better. Just when things started to look bleak, the song "The only girl in the world" came on over our intercom. Somehow, the song got me out of my rut and made me feel better again. Neat trick, that. I'll have to remember it the next time.

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Disassociation

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Of all the aspects of myself that give me trouble, (which are many, and profound) the one that is on my mind at the moment is my ongoing internal narration. I seem to have an author within, recording and commenting on my thoughts and actions from a third person perspective.

I believe the medical term for this is disassociation.

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hockey coach pleads guilty to abuse

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Well, I just heard that Graham James, a former hockey coach, has plead guilty to abusing players in his care, including former NHLer Theo Fleury. I hope they throw the book at him, but I'm not counting on it - he had already been convicted of abuse in other cases, served a couple of years, and was even pardoned. Sigh.

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my ex confuses me

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I'm having trouble figuring out my ex. Yesterday, after the Christmas do at my brother's, I took my daughter home, and since I didn't have to work, I came into my ex's house for a bit. While I'm there, my ex starts playing with my hair, complimenting me on its softness and length, and making suggestions to help cover up my bald spot. Then today, when I was dropping off my daughter, she noticed I now have pink gloves, and gave me the third degree for their color. Like I said, she confuses me.

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Kevin's Dream

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Kevin’s Dream

I had the dream again last night.

It used to be a once-in-a-while thing, now it seems like its happening every night, and I think I might be going crazy because of it.

I mean, I’m a typical high-school boy, so why would I dream of being a girl?

It always starts out the same - I go over to my girlfriend Tammy’s house, and I change into her clothes. She doesnt seem to be freaked out by this, in fact in the dream she has a blast helping me strip the boy off of me, and reveal a girl inside.

Christmas spirit contest

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I was looking at the list of stories for the Christmas spirit contest, and I have no idea how anyone would be able to pick a winner. There are so many awesome, amazing stories by fantastic authors, (and even an okay story by some girl named Dorothy Colleen) I cant see how you choose between them.

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Mixed day at work

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Well, last night was kind of a mixed day. First, just before we started, I said to one of the other girls, "Shoot. I forgot to bring my boobs" By which I mean the little inserts that I use to give me some shape. She started laughing, and said, "Sorry, Dorothy. I just thought there are days when I wish I could forget mine at home."

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Had an appointment with the gender specialist

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Well, I just got home from seeing the gender specialist. He's going to send a letter to my work asking them to respect me enough to include my female name on my name tag. Otherwise, things are going well. I told him about my flashbacks, and he gave me a prescription for Ativan to help me calm myself if I'm having one. I dont know about meds, but it might be better than trying to handle it on my own.

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Funny moment at the bank

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I had a funny moment at the bank today. I went in to get cash for my mom, as I am now paying rent here, and the clerk took my card, looked at the male name, looked back at me, and went "But... but.. your hair, your ....." So to save her, I told her I was transitioning, and the card was in my legal name. She got the money for me, and I thanked her for making my day. Funny, yes?

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Pink Angel

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Pink Angel

I saw her standing forlornly in the corner of the store, her price marked as “half-off”, and I simply had to bring her home. She was a Christmas lawn ornament, a life-size announcing angel with trumpet ready to blow, lit up in pink in honor of breast cancer research.

I put brought her home, and set her in my tiny front yard, and then went inside. I was all alone now, and felt desperate for company, so at the start or at the finish of every day, I found myself sitting on my front step, talking to my new guest.

Toy Time

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TOY TIME

This is an intense story, and may trigger people with PTSD. Please read with caution.

I’m going to work, its another typical day, dealing with the ex, my gender issues, and .... other things. I look for something to listen to on the radio, just flipping through my pre-sets, when I hit the local sports station. They are talking about the night’s football game, and I relax, letting my attention get back to my driving.

survived the brother's birthday party

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Well, I survived my brother's birthday party. I love my brother, but I have been finding it increasingly hard to be around him with his and my sister-in-laws rejection of my transition. The use of my male name, the total silence if I bring up anything to do with my transition, it just wears on me. I was going to get him a gender-neutral card, but decided he could just deal with the fact I'm his sister for once, and got a nice card from a sister to her brother for him instead. He did thank me for it, but I got the distinct impression he was ignoring that part of the card. Ah, well.

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Five years/Ten years gone

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Where do you see your life in five years? how about ten? Could you craft a story about a typical day for you five or ten years from now? Its just a fun little challenge, but if enough of us participate, maybe we could make a "mega story" where we connect all the stories collected together.

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I am a girl by sufferance

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I am a girl by sufferance. I was not born a girl, didnt have a girlhood to learn the nuances of being a girl. I do not believe I really "pass" as a girl by any objective standard. So I am a girl by sufferance. My girlhood can be taken from me by words - "Him", "Sir" or my male name. It can be taken from me by actions - isolation, rejection, contempt. No "natural" girl will ever know what that feels like, to be "tolerated" like I'm some crazy person that no one has the energy to argue with.

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a day in "male drag"

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Well, I would like to share my day in "male drag". It started when I got home from work at 7 am, and got into the only male dress outfit I have - pants. dress shirt, and suit jacket, and waited until it was time to pick up my ex and my daughter. Once we got there, we found out we had a couple of hours to wait until the ceremony, but my ex had to get into the line, so I started to wish I had grabbed a nap before we left, as I found being on my feet for that long rather tough.

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The Story's the Thing!

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The Story’s the Thing!

I’m a writer.

I’m not super-famous like Grishim or King, but there’s a good chance you’ve seen one of my books in the paperback section. Based on my royalties, quite a few of you have bought one - “for a friend” maybe, because I’m not the kind of author people seem happy to admit they read.

I’ll take the money regardless.

A Tapestry of Stars

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A Tapestry of Stars

The first thing that drew my attention when I came into my local Pride center for the first time was a large tapestry with gold stars covering it. Above the tapestry was the the words “We remember” in large glowing letters.

I went over to one of the staff and said, “Wow. That represents all the gay, lesbian, bisexual and trans people who have lost their lives?”

“Actually, that’s just for the Trans people. We need a book for the others.”

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