Iolanthe Portmanteaux

Iolanthe Portmanteaux

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Organizational: 

 

BigCloset TopShelf Featured Author
Iolanthe Portmanteaux

 


 

If you want to get an idea of the sort of stories I write, I'd suggest that you start with one of the short ones. These might do:


~ A Tale of Two Tampons: A Christmas Story ~
~ An Unwitting Hero of the Counterculture ~
~ The Night I Escaped From The Zoo ~
~ Sexual Innovations In The Underworld ~

 

Now that "Charlotte' is done...

It was a relief to finish Charlotte Had A Boyfriend. It was a lot more work than it may seem. For many weeks, writing it was my full-time job. Seriously. I've never worked this hard on a story before. Something changed in my approach. I'm not going to quantify or explain it, except to say that my writing method or strategy or technique has gotten more defined. Easier in many ways, but it takes longer.

Blog About: 

Author: 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 22

 

Also, as foolish as it sounds to say it, I felt very exposed out there, naked, in the desert, in the dark.
I'm not talking about being naked. I'm talking about wild animals.
I knew full well that there are no hyenas in the United States, but it didn't stop me from being scared of them.

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 20

 

"Hey, look—" he glanced at his watch. "The timeline! We're still on the timeline, if we want to be!
Right about now, on the night Ross disappeared, he and Mayda left this restaurant and drove out to the desert.
What do you say — we drive out there now and check out the scene? What do you say?"

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 19

"Wait, wait!" I said. "Go back a second!
You said 'The Iodine Story'. What is that?"

"You don't know?" Hugh looked surprised.
"The Iodine Story," he repeated, as if saying it again somehow clarified it.

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 17

 

As I was leaving, Hanna ran and fetched the book.
She pressed it into my hands, insisting that I take it.

"Be our Perry Mason!" she chirped, smiling and nearly dancing with excitement.

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 16

 

"Alright," she said, leaning in toward me, a half-smile playing over her lips.
"I want to start by saying Once upon a time, but as improbable as it is, this isn't a fairy tale."

"So how does it start?" I asked. My patience was near its end.

Mom leaned in a little closer, and trying to not smile, told me:

"Charlotte had a boyfriend."

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 15

 

Lucy continued: "You know, I'll admit that I'm more than a little jealous.
I'd love to have interesting men interested in me. But I gotta say that it worries me a little, too."
She paused. "Because if you're going to be carry on like this with all kinds of men,
at some point they're going to come here, looking for you."

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 14

 

Her face lit up. In a teasing, confidential tone she asked,
"Did mean old Charlotte steal your boyfriend Ross away from you?"

"No," I scoffed. "I don't know Ross. Charlotte is my—" I sighed.
"Charlotte is my cousin."

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 13

 

"Do I have a police record?" I asked in alarm.

"No, but it's not for want of trying!" he quipped, laughing, cackling, clapping his hands.

I smiled to encourage him, but honestly I didn't find it funny. I didn't find it funny at all.

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 11

 

I had to find out whether I owned a car, and I had to talk to Barney.
Once I had a handle on those two things,
All my curiosity and questions about my past would be over.

I'd be ready to move forward, as though last Tuesday was the first day of the rest of my life.

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 9

 

"Don't feel too bad," Cameron said. "Feel bad, yeah, but not too bad.
The good news is, I like you a lot better this way. A *lot* better.
In fact, you should seriously consider never getting your memories back."

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 8

 

"Did you get that?" Cameron asked. "They're asking when you're coming home."

"Oh, jeez," I said, "Put me on the spot, why don't you?"

"Just say you're coming soon," Cameron said. "They're too little to know when you're lying."

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 6

 

"I'm sorry," I told him, "but I'd prefer to keep this to myself."

"Why?"

"Because you — and the pair of cops who just left — laughed when I told you my name.
None of you call me by my name. Not Perry, not Mason. You keep calling me Deeny. You don't believe me."

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 5

 

"Charlotte didn't say much, but she did ask me why my name is Mason."

"What kind of stupid question is that?" Carly began,
her face registering annoyance, puzzlement, and curiosity all at once.

"That's — uh — actually a really good question, actually," Tatum put in, hesitantly.

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 3

 

"The point is..." Jen insisted, turning a slight shade of red,
"the point is, that now we — you — don't know anything.
Everything is potential, right? The sky is the limit."

"That's only the upper limit," I countered.

 

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend : 1

 

"Hitchhiking? No. Me, hitchhiking? Where? Like, out here, in the desert?"

"Yeah, maybe a dozen miles west of here."

I tried to put it together, but the pieces didn't fit. "Hitchhiking... dressed like this?
Barefoot? With an umbrella? What-- did I drop out of the sky?
Like Mary Poppins, with the umbrella?"

 

Merope, Maybe : 18 / 19

 

"Thanks for all the stuff," he interrupted gruffly. "I guess that's everything — and this is goodbye."

"Goodbye?" I exclaimed. "Why does it have to be goodbye?"

He gestured helplessly. "I don't know! What else could it be?"

 

Merope, Maybe : 17 / 19

 

"I called Anson — or I thought I was calling Anson —
and I asked him the age-old question: Who was that lady I saw you with?
and he replied, That was no lady — that was Anson Charpont!"
Ross followed his narration with a throaty chuckle.

 

Merope, Maybe : 16 / 19

 

In a nutshell, the song is about all the crazy, misguided things
a man might do if he fell for a woman: things like:
get a job, rent a decent apartment, bathe more frequently...

 

Diaries: hoping to be found?

I'm wondering: anyone who keeps a diary -- a physical diary, a book made of paper -- do they have the expectation that it will be found?

Or a fear that it will be found?

In my own case, when I actually had something significant to write about, the idea that someone else might come upon it prevented me from writing it.

Of course, being able to write online, or to keep files on one's computer, has changed that.

Blog About: 

Author: 

Merope, Maybe : 15 / 19

 

"Here's the thing, Merope," Agent Kirchmeyer said.
"If we take what you said at face value, what do we have? Something about cylinders.
We don't know what these cylinders are. Frankly, they sound like rolls of money.
Which, of course, is nice for him, but not really remarkable,
if you know anything about the Switcher."

 

Merope, Maybe : 14 / 19

 

Carrie, delighted, smiled. Her eyes sparkled. "I knew something was up! It's like Freaky Friday, isn't it?" she laughed.

"Well, yes, I guess it is," I admitted. "Except that I'm not his mother."

Mukti's eyebrows went up. "And we can't switch back," he added.

 

Merope, Maybe : 13 / 19

 

Suddenly, I felt a warm, wet tongue give a quick lick to my right ankle.
I yelped and scrambled my way out of the car, clutching the plastic bag.

"Hey, sorry about that!" said a young male voice. "I tried to stop her,
but you know... dogs..." as if the word dogs explained everything.

 

Merope, Maybe : 12 / 19

 

Returning to the diagrams on the computer screen, I told them, "This is important. I think I need to call the FBI."

"Okay, fine," Cleo agreed. "But I'm sure they're sleeping now. You can call them in the morning."

 

Merope, Maybe : 11 / 19

 

"A liability?" she repeated. "Is that what concerns you? That he's a liability?
Weren't you and I liabilities for each other?"

"The moment you told the processing people that you accept him as Anson Charpont,
he became for all intents and purposes, legal and otherwise, Anson Charpont. In every way!"

 

Merope, Maybe : 10 / 19

 

Grinning, she took a few steps back, away from the car, and pointed to its dusty license plate.

"Nebraska," I read. And a bumper sticker: "We Don't Coast." I frowned, not understanding.
Then a light came on in my head. "Oh! Is this *my* car?"

 

Merope, Maybe : 8 / 19

 

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you Americans, the moment something happens to one of you,
the first thing you do is create a support group,
and the second thing is that you go on TV."

I thought about that for a moment. "Yeah, probably," I admitted.

 

Merope, Maybe : 7 / 19

 

"I don't know," she replied, undaunted. "But think about vampires:
how come some people get bit and die, and other people get bit and turn into vampires themselves?"

"I don't know the answer to that," I exclaimed, exasperated,
"but vampires aren't real!"

 

Merope, Maybe : 6 / 19

 

When Matt said That's the protocol, it reminded me of something my grandfather told me
about his time in the Army: "The most important thing you can learn in the Army
is that there's a right way, a wrong way, and the Army way."

"How do you know which way is the Army way?" I asked him.

"It's in the manual," he replied.

 

Merope, Maybe : 5 / 19

 

He smiled and looked me in the eyes,
and in that moment I didn't like him any more.

He said, "It's pretty simple. There are links missing from the chain.
We don't have John Doe number one, and we don't have Anson Charpont.
All we have is you."

"And how is that a problem?" I asked, my mouth suddenly gone dry.

 

Merope, Maybe : 3 / 19

 

"I get the picture: The processing center looks at my old world and my new world and asks each one if they want me."

"That's a good way to put it. Then, if you're a no-go in both directions, they give you their whole-new-life bit. It's a package deal: a new name, a Greyhound bus ticket, and the offer of a shitty job that you'd never take. They walk you to the door, tell you the world is your oyster, and give you a great big swat on the butt, 'cause it's your birthday."

 

Merope, Maybe : 2 / 19

 

"Incidentally," he added in a quieter tone, "my girlfriend can be quite jealous."

I paused in the doorway. "Okay, noted. Does she live with you?"

"No... not yet, anyway. But if she calls, don't talk or make noise, alright? And if she comes over, just... act normally."

"That's what I usually do," I assured him.

 

Merope, Maybe

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Organizational: 

TG Universes & Series: 

 

This story takes place in Melanie Brown's Switcher Universe.

Anson, a pot-bellied retiree, twists his ankle and falls into the Switcher's aura.

Now he finds himself in the body of a woman named Merope Goddard --
or one of three other possible names.

Charlotte Had A Boyfriend

Author: 

Audience Rating: 

Organizational: 

 


"You like the mind to be a neat machine, equipped to work efficiently, if narrowly,
and with no extra bits or useless parts.
I like the mind to be a dustbin of scraps of brilliant fabric,
odd gems, worthless but fascinating curiosities,
tinsel, quaint bits of carving, and a reasonable amount of healthy dirt.

"Shake the machine and it goes out of order;
shake the dustbin and it adjusts itself beautifully to its new position."

— Robertson Davies, Tempest Tost

 

Plus-One With A Vengeance : 29 / 29

 

"Can you do that?" Melissa asked. "Can the medallion make you younger? Keep you young?"

Viv looked thoughtful. She didn't answer; she pretended not to hear.

 

Pages

Subscribe to Iolanthe Portmanteaux