My Obsession, Part 19 of 29


Part 19 of 29

Friday, September 6, 2013
A light day, only one mid-morning class. That's the ideal Friday for a college student, no afternoon classes to cut to get an early start on the weekend.

My Obsession, Part 18 of 29


Part 18 of 29

Wednesday, September 4, 2013 (continued)
All of my musing on the past is how I started my day. Because of my late enrollment, the only English Literature class with any openings occurred at eight o'clock on Monday and Wednesday mornings. Since Monday was Labor Day, school started on Wednesday. Thus I began my day wandering around campus lost and confused. Over the summer I had gotten used to the library's more civilized hours, opening at ten. I had to get up before the sun in order to shower, dress and ride the bus.

My Obsession, Part 17 of 29


Part 17 of 29

Monday, September 2, 2013
Labor day. Time for the big parade.

We were up early to get ready for the parade. The living room was full of boxes and hangers containing the costumes when my fellow workers arrived promptly at 8:00 AM to get dressed. Jenny and Beth from the library were part of the group, as well as Audrey.

My Obsession, Part 16 of 29


Part 16 of 29

Sunday, August 25, 2013
Mom called again today. This time her voice was not as strained, for that matter neither was mine. We just chatted, nothing special. She got a great laugh out of Grandpa proposing to Eve and even took my wearing Sylvia's engagement ring better than I expected.

My Obsession, Part 15 of 29


Part 15 of 29

Thursday, August 15, 2013
Had another session with Audrey today. No tears and heavy stuff this time, but more "What do I do from here?" Somehow when I talk to Audrey I have to get things straight in my mind so I can tell her about them. She knows the right question to ask when I run dry and she's helping me.

My Obsession, Part 14 of 29


Part 14 of 29

Saturday, August 10, 2013
The three weeks are up! Well, close enough. This morning I took my starter earrings out of my ears (that turned out to need a pair of pliers, the things seemed to be welded together) and wore a new pair. I had gotten a special pair for the occasion, with a rainbow of small stones dangling from fine silver chains. Outrageous Earrings, Mary Ann calls them. I suppose they are, but I really like them. It's fantastic to feel the little jewels on my neck and I just love seeing them in the mirror. On me!

My Obsession, Part 13 of 29


Part 13 of 29

Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Is it genetic? Why can't women leave the phone ringing when there is something else going on? It's not like we don't have an answering machine that we can check later. I have no trouble letting the thing ring if I am doing something important.

My Obsession, Part 12 of 29


Part 12 of 29

Saturday, July 27, 2013
Today was the day. Mary Ann's parents came to meet Angel the Girl. You wouldn't believe how nervous I was. It was worse than seeing them just after we started going steady.

My Obsession, Part 11 of 29


Part 11 of 29

Tuesday, July 23, 2013
My new glasses are in. They look just as cool as I hoped they would, very feminine. I did get one of those hanger things and I get a kick of having my glasses bounce off my breasts when I take them off.

Angel is easily amused, sometimes.

My Obsession, Part 10 of 29


Part 10 of 29

Sunday, July 21, 2013
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Grandpa would be proud of the literary allusion, but I need to write this down and out of my system. Today was cold, wet and rainy; a perfectly lousy day which was all the worse for the beautiful day outdoors yesterday. Grandpa and Eve went off to the Liar's Club so it was just me and Mary Ann.

My Obsession, Part 9 of 29


Part 9 of 29

Sunday, July 14, 2013
I'm getting better at cooking. Today I did a traditional Sunday dinner, naturally with Mary Ann's help, but I planned the menu, went shopping for the ingredients and found the recipes. We had roast ham with those pineapple slices and cherries pinned all over it - it looks pretty cool that way and isn't any real trouble to do. I think it looked just as good as the picture in the cookbook once I put it on the table.

My Obsession, Part 8 of 29


Part 8 of 29

Wednesday, July 10
Who was that idiot that ended the last entry talking about how much fun this summer is going to be? He must have been insane. Well, maybe not insane, but he sure wasn't looking very far ahead. Today has been quite a revelation.

My Obsession, Part 7 of 29


Part 7 of 29

Monday, July 8
I could hear the water singing in the pipes as Mary Ann took her shower. I had just gotten out of the shower myself. My body was dry but my crew cut was still a little bit damp. I stood in my bathrobe, eyes still glazed with sleep, a bra dangling from my hand.

MY bra.

My Obsession, Part 6 of 29


Part 6 of 29

Wednesday, July 3
Nothing much to write about lately. Since last Friday night I know that Grandpa and Eve are comfortable with me dressed up so I haven't been watching the clock and changing before they get home. It feels like family, even more so than my own family. I love Mom and Dad, and even my little sister, and they love me, but there is a wonderful feeling of acceptance here. I don't have to watch myself to avoid a lecture on God's will if I do something Dad doesn't approve of.

My Obsession, Part 5 of 29


Part 5 of 29

Saturday, June 22
If I thought yesterday was weird, today about doubles the weirdness. We finished breakfast (sinfully late - 10AM!) and were relaxing over coffee. Grandpa went out to tell some lies with his cronies or something - he wasn't all that clear where he was going - and we were relaxing over coffee when Eve finally asked me about the crossdressing. As I fell asleep last night my mind cleared and I knew I wanted to take the next step.

My Obsession, Part 4 of 29


Part 4 of 29

`Wednesday, June 19
I consorted with the Devil this afternoon. That's the way Dad puts it when he talks about Planned Parenthood. If Satan was present I didn't get to meet him and damn me if I could find any little devils in the building. The more I get to see of the world the more I wonder just how much of what I have been taught is true. It all sounds so real when Dad talks about it, but every time I come across what he would call 'sin' or 'temptation' I get a little less sure of just what is going on.

My Obsession, Part 3 of 29


Part 3 of 29

Sunday, June 16
What a day! Mary Ann is showering and I have a few minutes by myself to write. I feel like Alice after she fell through the looking glass, things are getting curiouser and curiouser indeed!

My Obsession, Part 2 of 29


Part 2 of 29

Wednesday, May 22, 2013
I couldn't stand it. I have been dreaming about Mary Ann's bra every night since Sunday. I just couldn't get the fantasy of wearing her bra out of my mind no matter how I tried. Tonight I dug through the hamper and found one of Mom's bras. It isn't anywhere near as sexy as Mary Ann's, in fact it's just plain plain! I made damn sure no one was around and took it back to my room and tried it on. Well, I tried to try it on - How do girls snap these things behind their backs? I sure couldn't do it!

My Obsession, Part 1 of 29


Part 1 of 29

Author's Note
An earlier version of this story was posted in 2009. A while back my Muse decided I needed to let Angel finish telling her story. After listening to her I have revised and substantially added to her story. As a valued member of the Liar's Club, she is pretty good at telling a tale.

Idle Thoughts

This photo of Hotel Classic Inn is courtesy of Tripadvisor

Saturday Afternoon
Harry was relaxing on a Saturday afternoon, the recliner tilted back, the cat in his lap and a good novel in his hands. His wife Carmen was out shopping, leaving Harry a very contented man. So content that the good novel was resting upside down on the cat, who was sprawled across Harry's lap in a posture that only a trusting feline could find comfortable.

Making Beautiful Music

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash

Making Beautiful Music


It's about the oldest continuous memory I've got. Sure, I can remember flashes of stuff like a toy or an animal at the zoo, but this memory is like a movie. I'm standing with my sister in the wings of a stage in a theatre, watching the empty stage as the audience waits for the performance to begin. A spotlight comes on and my parents walk on stage. Dad is in a tux, as an adult I would say he was resplendent in a tux but I was only about six at the time and such words were not in my vocabulary. He was just my father and he was smiling, doing what he loved to do most - make music with my mother.

New Life

Part 1 - The Beginning

She sat alone at a small table in the back of an urban coffeehouse. Jammed up in a corner in front of the bay window sat a pimply youth clutching a mandolin, looking like he would bolt out the door if a mouse squeaked. The place was almost deserted. The three people near the sad excuse for a stage were obviously friends, the one girl probably the girlfriend of the performer.

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 11 of 11


Part 11 of 11

Friday, June 3, 2016

Pillow talk.

Some evening conversations are more interesting than others. Take tonight, for instance.

"Now really, Alonzo, your parents weren't any near as bad as you made me think."

"You didn't have to live with them once Dad saw the light."

"Now really, I didn't smell even a hint of brimstone. Chantal doesn't seem to think they're so bad, either."

"Grandchildren get spoiled, children don't have that luxury."

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 10 of 11


Part 10 of 11

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

I think I may have shocked Emma with all the changes in my life. She even went to far as to remark about the mature way I've handled the stress. Most of it has been good stress, but stress nevertheless. Not once have I had even a fleeting thought that I have made a mistake in coming out and living life as who I really am.

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 09 of 11


Part 9 of 11

Saturday, April 16, 2016

The alarm in Alonzo's spare room is just as annoying as the one in my bedroom The cursed thing went off at 4:45 AM, which, if you can do some basic math, is two minutes short of an hour after Dawn woke up. Why does the sun rise so stinking early? Can't it wait for a more civilized time to accommodate photographers who are also nursing mothers?

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 07 of 11


Part 7 of 11

Friday, February 19, 2016

I have to write this down, but I am completely bewildered as to how I can make it all make sense. My life has settled down to be about as predictable as a transgendered, self-employed businesswoman and single mother can get - which sentence is downright silly once I put it down. I mean… really!

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 06 of 11


Part 6 of 11

Monday, November 30, 2015

If you're in retail, Black Friday marks the start of the Christmas Rush. For a photographer, the following Monday seems to be the start of the Christmas Rush. People are too busy standing in front of some store at five in the morning waiting for a bargain to sit down for their Christmas Card Photo.

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 05 of 11


Part 5 of 11

Thursday, November 12, 2015

"Hey Hope!" Darcy called. "Our afternoon session just canceled - the kids are sick."


"Better they stay home than get Dawn sick."

"I can't argue with that. So what do we do to amuse ourselves? Got any ideas?"

"We can watch Dawn flop around on the floor?"

"Been there, done that. Too bad she's too young to take her to the playground and let her run around."

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 04 of 11


Part 4 of 11

Friday, October 23, 2015

I was really noticing my bra feeling a bit tight. I wanted to believe it's because my breasts are getting bigger, but after only two weeks on the new hormone regimen I have to wonder if it isn't wishful thinking. Still, when I'm in my Robot Mother Breast Pumping Bra it seemed to be a bit tighter too. Nothing going into the bottles, but still…

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 03 of 11


Part 3 of 11

Tuesday, September 29, 2015 - 1:00 PM

"Dawn Terrell?" called the lady in the green scrubs. I got up and hefted the child carrier, heading for the door into the inner sanctum.

"Lets see how much this little lady weighs, shall we?"

"She seems to get heaver as the day goes on."

"So I'm told. Hmmm - a bit light but still within the normal range. And twenty inches, also low normal. Nothing to worry about there, Ms Waldrop.

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 02 of 11


Part 2 of 11

Thursday, September 24, 2015 - 4:00 AM
How is it that the very same behavior that is so fetchingly cute at 4 PM is downright annoying at 4 AM. Changing a baby at 4 AM is a monumental challenge when you are sleep deprived because you were up to all hours on the net trying to find out how to be a good mother.

Journal of an Instant Mother - Part 01 of 11


Part 1

Prologue - Saturday, November 15, 2014

Lillian Terrell was one pissed off teenager. Saturday night and she was grounded! Her parents were so unfair. They got to go to a party and she had to sit around the house and do nothing!




"Well, look what the cat dragged in!"

"Christ! That's all I'd need, a freakin' cat. I just got done wrestling with a hyperactive black standard poodle that had enough fleas to start a couple of circuses, and then barfed while I was trying to trim around his eyes. The damn thing outweighed me and he was absopositivlutly taller than I am! If he tried to chase a goddam cat he would have ripped the leash out of the ceiling and taken the entire building with him as he tried to catch it!"

Memoir of a Stealth Transition - 38 of 38


Chapter 38 - Love the Second Time Around

We had hardly had time to do more than exchange a chorus of 'what are you doing here' before a small whirlwind came clomping over with her braids a-flying. She enveloped her father in a enthusiastic hug, and to my surprise I found myself in her embrace a moment later.

"Daddy! I jumped and didn't fall down!"

Memoir of a Stealth Transition - 37 of 38


Chapter 37 - Trouble in Paradise

Things were a bit lean as we worked to revive and expand the company we now all had an interest in. Julie and I chose to take much of our compensation in stock and other deferred payments, as we were happily living with Sandra and Doug. We all put in long hours and it paid off, two years in the company was profitable, so Julie and I decided to go house hunting.

Memoir of a Stealth Transition - 36 of 38


Chapter 36 - We've Got To Talk

There's not really much to say about our time in grad school except it was all-consuming. What did touch far more on our lives was Sandra's increasing frustration with the male-oriented bullshit of the company she worked for. From her point-of-view, as well as our growing understanding of the business world, the company was missing obvious opportunities and playing turtle while technology and marketing opportunities passed them by. This culminated around our spring break in 1973, when Sandra and Doug uttered that immortal line: "We've got to talk."

Memoir of a Stealth Transition - 35 of 38


Chapter 35 - Going Home, Part 3

Forgive me if I touch lightly on the year and a half we spent in grad school. It was a whole lot of work. Interesting, important, but it really doesn't touch much on my life as a transgendered woman. Nothing changed much on that front.

Memoir of a Stealth Transition - 34 of 38


Chapter 34 - Alice's Restaurant Revisited

Arlo Guthrie's Alice's Restaurant was a major hit on a campus full of guys who were only one deferment away from having to schlep halfway around the world to try and kill people they didn't even know while those people were trying to kill them. Even though the Vietnamese weed was reported to be killer stuff, nobody wanted to be a killer to get it. Well, maybe some of the ROTC guys did, but they didn't like me and I didn't like them.

Memoir of a Stealth Transition - 32 & 33 of 38


Chapter 32 - The Dean

I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised to get a message from the dean when I went to my morning class. The professor excused me with a smile and wished me good luck - a summons from the Dean usually meant you would need all the luck you could find.


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