Vilastis

Jugs

Charles Edward Fitzgerald, CEO of Jugs (America’s #4 casual dining restaurant) slammed his fist down on his desk. “What do you mean, you told them I would do their moronic show? I gave you very explicit instructions.”

His secretary Francesca shuddered. “I’m so sorry—sir,” she hastily added.

“Don’t apologize, just fix this!”

Real Life 2

Liz sighed. She hadn’t seen her grandpa in years, and he really wasn’t in the best of health. She realized she should probably go see him, but she also just really didn’t feel like it. But she finally got around to it. At least one last time before he died. Honestly, she was incredibly selfish and really should have done this before now.

First Impressions

Mac was—well, “obsessed” would be to put it unkindly—interested in a rather particular art: the vocal impression. Since he was eleven he had been practicing voices: cartoon characters, celebrities, even his parents. But there was one wall he always ran up against: he couldn’t do female voices. It didn’t help that his voice had changed at a relatively young age. But it wasn’t just that: he also just felt too embarrassed. It felt like he was doing something… wrong.

The Imitation Game

The Imitation Game
By Vilastis

“STOP IT!” Cassie yelled at her infuriating younger brother Caleb.

“STOP IT!” he yelled back.

She really hated when he did this kind of thing. And her parents didn’t fucking care. Even though he was fourteen now they still saw him as a cute little kid.

“Seriously, stop it!” She clenched her fist.

“Seriously, stop it!” He clenched his fist.

Gold Digger

Gold Digger
By Vilastis

Marcus sighed. There was no way he was going to manage to make his rent this month.

Women had it so easy. They just had to flutter their eyelashes and some asshole with more money than sense would throw cash at them.

He had come to a decision. He opened a dating site and created a new profile. “Marcia.”

Impetus Chapter 1

Impetus

Chapter 1: Impetus

Adam’s dream had always been different. While all the other kids around him played with their Overman and their Glory action figures, and chattered about how great it would be to save the day, his thoughts were full of darker things: swirling capes, shadowy figures, spinetingling cackles… You could leave those so-called “heroes,” saving the day with their fists and muscles, to the populist masses. Villains were the idol for the truly discerning, for the intelligent man.

But it wasn’t until he was a teenager, full of self-righteousness and hormonal rage, that he finally received the impetus to act.

At This Rate I'll Never Turn Into a Girl!

At This Rate I’ll Never Turn Into a Girl!
By Vilastis

This story was basically written as an excessively long joke. The entire point is that there are constant jumping-off points for a fairly standard premise but it doesn’t take advantage of any of them. Side note: AJ is my best attempt at an underwritten stereotypical female friend.

Catfish Part 4

catfish, noun: a person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes
Merriam-Webster.com

Jason's day somehow gets even worse.


A Pack o' Parodies

None of these parodies are meant to be of the work of specific individuals. I hope none of them seem too meanspirited. Poe's Law may apply. Typos may or may not be intentional.

The Implausible Cheerleader

by: Anastasia Lynn Walker

To think I was a normal boy two days ago... but let me start at the beginning.

Catfish Part 3

catfish, noun: a person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes
Merriam-Webster.com

So apparently things could get more awkward between Mark and Jason.


Catfish Part 2

catfish, noun: a person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes
—Merriam-Webster.com

Jason's prank doesn't go as planned, and he finds himself dragged deeper into things than expected.


Catfish Part 1

catfish, noun: a person who sets up a false personal profile on a social networking site for fraudulent or deceptive purposes
Merriam-Webster.com

Jason's prank on his roommate goes terribly wrong... or terribly right.


Real Life

She was living in her parents' house. Not earning nearly enough money. She sometimes felt that the pronoun was undeserved, she hadn't done enough to earn it. Hormones for a year and her appearance basically hadn't changed. People in stories always changed extremely. Transformed beyond recognition. They got desirable female figures, dyed their hair blonde, wore makeup and dresses. Even the nonfiction stories the press seemed to pick up, the people they seemed to be interested in, were like that. Look at these before and after pictures, it's amazing how much the person changed.

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