Wendy Jean

Doing things for myself

Went for an appointment today, with no attendant. I'll be doing this more and more in the future, Still haven't figured out how to dress myself, that comes later. Lately I've been very depressed, to the point of thinking the unthinkable. The reasons I didn't do it a long while back still hold true, I am very aware how much it hurts the people we leave behind.

Kudos, Comments, and blogs

Praise in Public Criticize in Private, words to live by when talking to other authors.

A story is much like someones baby, if you have put a person on the defensive they are no longer listening.

Kudos are a no brainier. If I have read a complete story I click it, Erotica turns me off if a story offends me I don' finish reading it or click kudos,.I also tend to avoid forced fem or humiliation. I put myself in the place of the character and tend to experience what they do. I don't lik emotional pain.

Thank God For Friends and Family

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I am extremely fortunate to count Dorthy Coleen and Rebeca Jane,and Arwen of Arwen Arwen's tears as my friends. I have my share of bad dreams, they have been wearing me down in the form of depression, I take it on faith I will recover from my stroke, I don't feel I have any other choice, My phone is my lifeline, Rachael Ann, Long time user of BCTS stepped forward to give me someone to talk to. I feel guilty keeping Rebeca from her writing, as I enjoy it too. But it got me through the night. As did Dot on the BCTS chat room on a particularly bad night.

Changes

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I hate being negative all the time. I've been pretty sick lately so I shut down for a while. I was at the PT(physical therapist today,She had me standing between parallel bars on both feet. I threw up later not a bad thing since every time I use new muscles differently it happens. She was working harder than I was try to keep my bad left leg straight,Not a major break through, but will take what comes my way. But for a short while before I abused their trash can(again)I was standing up and swaying between feet. Using my good arm (for balance and good leg to stand between the bars.

Intense pain

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For the last week or so I have been having gut cramps that are unbelievably painful Don't know what I will do about them yet, If they continue probably the ER,This morning I woke up with a a painful knot in my gut I tried to raise my bed and it hurt too much to bend my abdomen. I ll get back with you all and let you know how it goes.

Would you miss me?

If you read my last blog

https://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog-entry/68921/being-anonym...

you will know I am going through a bad time right now.

As I've said I will not self harm, but laying on my back willing myself to die can not be healthy. J My Samsung J3 phone went south when I really needed it.
Guess it is time to write a story or something...

Guardian Angel

Guardian Angel
By Wendy Jean

Death is not the end. In this case it was a new beginning.

Thanks to Arwen’s Tears and Sarah Goodwoman for your help.

I was standing in front a bright circular entrance of some sort. I was not quite sure how I got here. A pretty lady who seemed familiar gestured me to come inside, so in I went . All at once I snapped out of my daze as I walked to a very young version of my mom.

“Hello dear,” she said with a tight hug That felt incredibly good. Tim, how much do you remember? she asked.

Penny Lane. Thank you

I have been reading SEE (Somewhere Else Entirely)by Penny Lane. It is a very long serial (100+ chapters each long an well written.4 books)Unlike many stories of this quality it has not been taken down and offered for sale as have several I was in the middle of. That is good for my My resources are 0 at the moment.and I can't afford gum. let alone buying something online. Seriously do yourself a favor and read this story be prepared to be at it more than a week . Her other stories are equally high quality.If you have not discovered her.Good Times ahead!

Growing up transgendered-A Poem

When I was born I did not know who I was,

A life time of pain later I figured me out,

I could not throw the parts I did not like out, as they were part of me,

So I transformed them into something I could endure.

And so I learned to love myself, and be loved by others.

There is joy in life if you let yourself be who you were meant to be.

That is the real choice.

My first anxiety attack

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Andi twas unpleasant(a feeling of impending doom.. It nust be common, Endocrinologist has offer ed antianxiety meds.. And a lot of olks talk about it, Here Iam bedbound due to paralysis. If stress ia criteria Iv'e got Apparently Icant 'have female hormones any more due to the stroke risk. Any medical plan I have had has collapsed. I have finished my transition.

Ithink most peple know me here I dont want to join thrmemorandium list.I;m scared,

I Will Always Be There For You

----------=BigCloset Retro Classic!=----------

Two lonely people find each other,
and discover that true love lasts longer
than they ever knew it could.

I Will Always
Be There For You

by Wendy Jean

Copyright © 2012 by Wendy Jean
All Rights Reserved.
12431533_s.jpg

Getting Better

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To say Ihave been depressed for the last while is an understatement.

Looks like My paralyzed leg has decided to work in tandom with mr good leg Evey day I wheel my wheelchair in front of the kitchen sink. I use my good arm and hand to grab the edge of the sink and counter and with assistance drag myself up and stand and balance for as long as my strength allows the dead leg is helping me stand though I still need the assist small l baby steps is the ticket to walking someday

Thanks to everyone has posted stories I live for them.

Engaging my brain before speaking

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I had one of those DoH moments where I felt very mean My son was returning me to bed at the end of a day with mt two year old grand baby watching he took off my wig to. My mouth led my brain as I said Ow!Uncle Jim just ripped my hair off Her eyes got real big and she ran out of the room he chased her down an showed her my hair wasn't real.I was feeling very small right then, lesson learned. Posted on FB yesterday.

Angharad

I very dismayed to hear Angharad was stopping her writing I hope it was bogus.It is hard keeping my spirits up while laying in the prison my bed has become. I actively look forward to her stories as well as other peoples.I will not think of hurting myself.Too many people care for me and whom I also care for. but it is hard sometimes.

What went right

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I keep talking about what is wrong with my life, but it bears mentioning what went well. A couple of weeks before the stroke I invited a woman into my home.she needed a safe-place I told her, she is now family. Seems we both needed a sister. She is Wiccan-Witch pun not intended, which I find fascinating. Did I mention it is my B-day? She is going above and beyond for me. Life can be funny, and good.

I am by nature an upbeat person am still amazed how friends I have made before the poo hit the fan.

Fighting Depression again (or still?)

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I don’t talk about myself much, guess I’m not very comfortable with it. I am willing to talk to anybody, be it a crowd or one on one, but writing about me feels weird. I post on my blog about twice / thrice a year, complete with pictures, if anyone is interested.

I’ve been unemployed almost 6 months, longer off and on again. Unemployment is long gone, and savings are draining steadily. I have my son (nephew actually, but the relationship is that of parent adult). If not for him I would be in real trouble.

The Demon Within

My alarm woke me up, much as every morning. I dragged out of bed and headed to the shower, to start another day. I enjoyed my morning shower, it allowed me to tune my voice for the coming day and put on the body lotions I liked. I didn’t like the negative thoughts that seemed to go with it though, but they had always been with me, so I mostly ignored them. Still, it is disconcerting to hear yourself say “I’m so tired of being a girl.” especially when it is not true.

My name is Stacy. It wasn’t always my name, but I liked it well enough after I transitioned from being Stan.

Being a Depressed Person

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Many people have a chemical imbalance that causes depression. Others have forms of PTSD. I'm in the latter category.

I'm getting better, and that is a fact. I was a mess last Christmas, I let my anti depression meds run out and was spending Christmas alone (actually, it just felt that way).

MoonGoddess posted a thread something like this, and I responded. I agree with everything she said, if you are suffering you don't need to! Get help!

Just when I think I can be comfortable

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A letter to a supervisor in the pharmacy at Walmart. I have to write a similar one about a Gulf gas station employee soon.

Dear Sir,

I had an unfortunate encounter with a pharmacist named *snip* at 5:15PM, Sunday, 5/31/2015. I left very distressed and upset.

I am a transgendered person. 31% of untreated transgender people successfully commit suicide before seeking help, and of those who try to address the issue 42% will attempt suicide at a later date. We are a very vulnerable population.

Christmas Blues

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or

Here I go again.

No health insurance, which means scripts run out. One of them was my antidepressants. I probably am going to have to go out of pocket with this one.

Problem is the withdrawal. It is a killer, or could be. About a week before Christmas I went into a depression that I would class as life threatening. When I get like that I don't reach out to people, I just shut down. Which probably accounts for why I don't have the meds yet, a positive feedback loop of the worst sort. It broke in time for Christmas, which was good.

Still messed up.

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It has been a while since I've updated my blog. The second operation, which was supposed to repair the first operation, went much worse than my first. The doctor has literally ripped me new asshole. He tore two holes through the thin section between the rectum and vagina. For about a month some of my poots were coming out my vagina, which was not good. I was prescribed industrial strength antibiotics the day after surgery and did frequent follow ups. Looks like I'm through that part OK. Needless to say, it hurt (still does a bit).

Surgery downturn

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Well, things aren't looking so hot at the moment. When removing the cathader the doc mentioned a graft not going well (a large graft I migt add). He gave me 5 bottles of metaiodyne to douche with and would not talk to me after. So here I am knowing something has gone badly wrong scared as hell. I have a meeting tomorrow whwhere I might get some answers. The smell from this is unbelievably bad, so I douche.

When I know more I'll post mote.

Christmas Spirit...

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Sometimes it is easy to forget how blessed we are. I am flat on my back recovering from SRS. A really close pair of friends are allowing me to recover at their house, which I am greatful for. Lots of pain but it is normal. I can't wait for the tube to come out of my new tush, but no worries. Looking forward to doing more than hunt anf peck on this keyboard. Till then all my love.

Wendy

My time has come.

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Well, I get up around 4AM tomorrow, drive to the clinic with my boy, and go back to sleep under an anesthesiologist's care. 4-5 Hours later I will wake up with a new vagina. It is funny, I've been scared and nervous about this surgery once I knew it was going to happen, but no more. Waiting is the hard part, but now the waiting is over. I am excited about it, but mostly just want to get it over with.

Under the knife in less than two weeks...

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One thing loosing my job has done, it has moved up my timetable on SRS. This is because SRS is covered on my old insurance, and part of my severance package was insurance for 11 weeks after I was laid off. I am prepared to buy COBRA if I have to if I need the insurance extended.

So, baring glitches, I will be going into an operating room and having what was supposed to be the final stage of my transition done. Like I said, it was moved up. I do not see myself ever being able to afford this on my own, and I qualify now (or will as of Dec. 16).

Transgender Day of Rememberance

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Sunday, November 17, 2013 on 7:00 pm - 9:00 pm at Cathedral of Hope, 5910 Cedar Springs Rd., Dallas, TX 75235 is having Transgender Day of Remembrance. Dallas 2013 TDOR is an event memorializing those who have been killed as a result of anti-transgender violence, and acts to bring attention to the continued violence endured by the transgender communities.

OddPOV is gone.

The name Wendy is taken, so I added my middle name on my user ID also. OddPOV is now Wendy Jean. I'm still a very odd person, but I have found I was not as different as I once thought I was. It was lonely thinking you were a pervert that had to hide for over 40 years. I now know I am neither a pervert or alone. I am me, and I am how I was made by God.

My last post on Big Closet

This will be my last post as OddPOV. I am updating my user name to match my new self, it will be some variation of Wendy. We tell our loved ones we don't change to comfort them with our new selves. The core remains, the soul if you will, but the fact is we do change, a lot. I have.

It Got Better

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My name is Wendy Jean M. It was William (Bill) M, and in the eyes of the government it still is. This will be corrected soon enough. I am 56 years old, and am transitioning from male to female (MtF).

Those of you who know me are already aware of the killer depression (literally) I went through. If not for the love of family, whom I love more than myself, I would be gone now. I’ve beat the depression, though traces still remain.

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