Autobiographical

being grateful for little gifts

I am trying to learn to be grateful for the small gifts.

Like yesterday, I went over to Mike and Carol's to check on their kitties while they are away for the weekend.

Already that's something to be grateful for - that they trust me enough to do that.

While there. I got a chance to say hello to Blanca, who as always met me with her list of complaints, and then I noticed Lucy sitting on the couch.

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Mum's know best

Just came back from a short break with my mother. She is 85 now and has just lost her partner. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.

I never got much "Leeanna" time, as one of my sons stayed for a few nights. So last night I got a chance to try out a wig that my mother helped me pick. Long gone are the days my own hair sufficed. The dreaded testosterone has thinned my own hair too much to convince anyone.

She insisted it had to have a fringe. I think she was right.

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Referral pt 10 - Taxing issues

There's a few more weeks before my NHS complaint is due to be resolved, but I'm beginning to have doubts that it will be resolved - at least in one of the scenarios that I would accept. I won't speculate further but will let everyone know what their answer is when I receive it.

Unsurprisingly I have heard nothing from my GP but I was called to the local general hospital for a mammogram, confirmation that my gender marker has been changed. The all-clear letter arrived a few days ago; it wasn't a definite as there's breast cancer in the family.

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Transgenders Gay?

So often, the people I meet assume that I am homosexual, while in fact I boringly don't have any sort of sex with anyone at all male or female. Though a correctly done spanking now and again would be nice. As most here know, I am mtf post op and having been living as a woman for a long time. (2004) In the last few years, I don't have any sort of pleasurable sexual sensations at all.

So, do other mtf post ops have any sort of partners? I apologize for being nosy.

Gwen

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Still without a car

After our experiences on our Arkansas trip, Melanie and I have been taking it easy at home in California.

Meanwhile, a bit of drama we were not involved in directly happened in New Mexico: the insurance and the body shop managed to lose the car somewhere between the shop where we left it after being towed off the freeway and the body shop where it was to be evaluated for repairs. :)

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I got a bit of adulting done yesterday and today

So yesterday, we got a bit of a refund from our taxes, so we decided to take care of a few tasks.

First, we got the oil and drive fluid on my car changed, because that was due.

Then we went to Canadian Tire and got one of the tires checked, and found out we'd picked up a nail, which is why the tire was going flat.

Then we went through a car wash, because some pigeons had taken their bathroom breaks on my roof.

Then, today, we got some groceries, and then helped Sharon get some groceries as well.

Yay for adulting !

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Aspergers tormenting...

Apparently they don't use the term Aspergers any more. Instead they use PTSD or CPTSD here on the west side of the pond. I don't know how those on the east side see it. I'm thankful to live in a place where they don't badger me to be a social butterfly, and the solitude agrees with me.

I see that I have written about "Spem in Alium" and other classical pieces that I find agreeable. It is doubtful that others would understand my love of "Queen" , "AD/DC" and among others ELO. Suffice it to say that my soul lives on that, Science Fiction and my quest for knowledge of the Creator.

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Road Trip Blogs: (Possibly) Total-ed in New Mexico

A'ight, SO.

I mentioned the car trouble and layover yesterday in our blog.

Well, today we got news it's worse than we thought. As such, more details are warranted.

THE STORY THUS FAR:

We left AR around noon on Monday, feelin' perky and like we could take on the world, so we decided to cut down on our remaining trip time and costs by pushing forward: no motels, just napping in the car on the way, taking turns driving and napping.

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Road Trip Blogs: Days 3 and 4

Belated, but here it comes!

So, day 3 was the trek through the rest of TX, OK, and AR to get to our destination town there. After spending the night in a little place with a surprisingly nice room just off Route 66 (America's Best in V, TX: we'll give more details after the trip's over,) we started the day bright and early, with only a minor hiccup when I didn't get everything out of the room and we had to nab a spare key.

I'll be honest, TX... didn't impress me much. The windmills were nice, though.

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I stood up to my stepfather last night

So I stood up to my stepfather last night.

Okay it was just a dream, but still . . .

I dreamed I walked back to the house we had in Calgary, and found him there picking on my younger self.

So I got between them, and told my stepfather if he wanted to pick on someone, he could try me, as I was his size.

He ran away, leaving me behind, calling him a coward.

Then I woke up.

I honestly am not sure how to feel about this dream, but I think its a hopeful sign.

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Road Trip Blogs: Day 1

(For safety reasons, locations will be referred to by letters rather than name until after the trip is over.)

Yesterday morning about 10 AM we officially set out on our trip for AR! It's about 24-ish hours (driving) to get to our target in AR, so we've budgeted 3 days out and 3 days back, with 1 day there for any visiting and nabbing of my stuff.

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13 years and 12 months

Yep, my 14th anniversary of being on this site has arrived. (well, my account says "13 years, 12 months" but details).

Boy, things sure change in 14 years - which isn't really surprising, but somethings remain pretty much the same.

I still love reading the amazing writing offered in this site, and am always staggered to even be mentioned in the same breath as some of the talented writers here.

I am still the one who comments on a lot of stories, which I hope isn't annoying.

And I am still the one who is hopefully growing and improving as time goes by.

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the dangers of being manic

For years, I was aware of how dangerous my depressions could be - I've been suicidal more than once in part thanks to the depression

But I really didn't understand that the manic phase was just as dangerous.

its the equivalent of being high as a kite, or being a "happy drunk", in terms of my lack of restraint.

I am so full of happy chemicals just about anything sounds like fun, and boy have I done stuff I regretted once the manic phase wore off.

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Grief from Abuse !!!

I just learned that the couple that I think wanted to abuse me around 2005 to 2008 has been arrested. At least I think this might be them. He was at least 350 lbs and wanted to pee on me and lock me in a box under his bed. He wanted me to eat his fecal matter. He wanted to chain me up. She was skinny but went along with him. They have apparently abused perhaps a dozen children, and imprisoned them. I hope they haven't murdered anyone.

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its been a few days since I blogged

I am not really sure why I haven't been blogging the last couple of days, but for anybody who is interested, here is an update:

I got my registration and insurance issues fixed, so I am back on the road, which is good news.

I took a heart stress test, and did very well, with my blood pressure well inside the normal range, which is also good news.

I've made some progress on my new Fluke story, which may or may not be good news, depending how you feel about that character.

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I'm Wearing A Corset

I don't care if wearing a corset is a Fetish. It was normal back when.
I've been hating my self for feeling too fat, so I ordered an overbust one and today I put it on. It reduced me to 36" and that seems enough. (2")

I've also been inquiring about Spanking therapy. It does not appear in the DSM. I had it done years ago, and probably wrote about it here. It was wonderful. I know to be careful who I talk to about this. If I can't trust this crowd, that is pathetic.

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Boy or Girl Kit? :)

Riding weather is here again and I'm trying to decide if I will wear bike shorts or that with a pleated skirt over. I usually wear a hijab under my helmet for concealment and to keep dry. I don't bother with clippy shoes. I'm wondering if I should wear tights or would it have prevented my road rash? I had though I was mostly uninjured in my mishap, but it may have momentarily rang my bell. I've decided. Girl kit it is.

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Life Almost Imitates Art

I've never been a fan of dancing or cheerleading, but circumstances conspired to have me at a dance show for a local high school. It happened like this: my daughter (now in her mid-forties) just got a job working at the high school as a restorative justice counselor, where she meets a whole lot of the students. The cheer squad was planning a big show on stage, and when some of them found out she had been a professional dancer in her youth they talked her into performing with them. In my totally unbiased opinion she did them proud, as a mature woman she still has the chops.

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Stay in touch with your friends

A good friend of mine died a few days ago. He was at a funeral and collapsed. He would not go in the ambulance and died later that day at home. I used to see hime several times a week. I only heard today.

We lost touch during covid and I owed him and his wife a meal. I kept promising myself I would call him and arrange it. Life, work, and family just got in the way. I thought I'd spoken to him just last month, but when I looked at my phone log it was late December.

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I've managed to make my life much harder.

Well, I have managed to make my life harder.

First, I got taken by a scammer and now I have lost my Facebook account.

Then, today, a cop told me my registration for my car had expired. I went to go fix that, only to discover my insurance had also expired.

I'm doing my best to fix this, but boy would it be great if I wouldn't put myself in these situations to begin with.

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My struggle with dysphoria

So today was not the best day. I had just crawled out of my worst depression in decades, and then I got hit with a nasty bout of dysphoria

Once more, the simple reality that I will never be "pretty", never even get SRS, hit me right in the heart, and yet, because Mom and I were doing errands I had to keep pretending I was okay.

Sighs . . .

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a pretty uneventful Easter

A couple of days ago my aunt Terry asked if we wanted to join her for Easter dinner, and we accepted.

So after I came home from Easter service at my church, we picked up another one of my aunts, and went over to Terry's place.

What we hadn't realized that her ex husband and her adult kids were also going to be there, and I don't think I've seen them since I started my transition in earnest.

So there I was, in my best Easter dress, sitting with a bunch of guys.

And nothing bad happened.

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I have the strangest dreams

Okay I really have to share the dream I had last night.

I was working in a store that was getting ready for Christmas, as huge amounts of stuff came in that we needed to find room for.

Suddenly, I realized there was something wrong - we were apparently stuck in a time loop, doing the same stuff over and over again.
Not only did I figure this out, I figured out how to get us out of it.

The store's Santa had to pick a particular item as a present.

I told him of it, he picked the right package, and the loop was broken.

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on my manic state

Since I'm currently in a manic state, I figured I would talk about what being manic does to me.

See, unlike the depression part of my cycle, which is always kind of the same, each time I'm manic seems a bit different from the last.

Sometimes, when I'm manic, I become giggly like I had taken a serious hit of pot. (Its also when my girly girl side comes out most. That, of course, is Jaci's fault).

But sometimes, instead of that, I become irrationally angry at everything and everyone.

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