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This really wasn't a post I wanted to make but I need to say something thats been eating at me since Thanksgiving.
A while back one of my sisters kids was in the car with her when she got into an accident. If you want the full story I made a blog post on it. Long story short her kid had to have a gender "switch" and they're not taking it well at all. I had the kid alone with me in the den and they told me "I don't think I'll be around much longer, I'd rather be gone then be like this."
I've been devastated since then to the point where I've barely talked to anyone since then.
Right now I need some help from you guys. I'm making this post here because I want my sister's kid to realize that things will get better. They just need some support.
The kid is 5 so just keep that in mind(The accident occured on the kids birthday :( )
Comments
My heart bleeds.
It is so hard at such a young age when your 'role models' have it SO wrong and can't wrap their heads around your situation and try to convince you the problem is YOU and not their narrow, misguided (however well-intentioned) vision.
I never know how to talk to people going through this bleak despair. I know that any words I can offer are just words. I don't try to turn them completely around, just to talk them into not doing anything undoable today. And to deal with tomorrow when it comes. As long as they make sure there is a tomorrow. Every new day is an opportunity to make things better. Or at least less bad.
I think the fact that the child even admitted this alarming degree of despair can be a good sign. They are sharing with someone. They are letting you in. That is a hopeful sign. May you be able to give them the strength they need to carry on and endure this burden that weighs so greatly on adults and is near unimaginable for one so young. And may you be able to open the eyes of the misguided parents to see how much their child needs them, and how profoundly they are letting down their child.
I wish there was more I could do than just send positive thoughts and prayers for you and your family members in such anguish and distress.
It's nowhere near enough, but it's all I can think to do.
K@
Seconded
Make sure this communication line stays open, it is when they clam up or suddenly change and put up a false front that you have to worry imho.
That said, the kid needs to be subtly lead to understanding that there are good things to being a girl or gender nonconforming or whatever. Show the kid possibilities. Unfortunately this is definitely a make lemonade out of lemons situation.
The child trusted you - so you are the chosen one
So you are the knight in shining armor of this tale, told by Life. You know how useless is to ask "why me?". Go and support that child. He/she must know that as long as there is tomorrow, there is always hope. And these times the hope becomes true much easier than before. Give the child your support and give to the parents your wisdom. You have everything needed to win this quest - just be brave enough to go in it and to do your task.
as someone who has been at the brink
all I could tell them is they have NO idea how much their life can change for the better, if they hang around to enjoy it.
If the kid isn't getting counseling, they should be. So should everybody in the kid's life, to help handle this situation.
Give them a huggle from me, if they'll take it.
Forced transition
I am assuming this is a 5 yr old boy, who had genital damage.
Seems to me, parents and/or medical personnel, are taking the choice out of his hands. This is exactly what has happens to most TG children. If we believe in letting brain gender rule. It seems the best solution would be to let this person continue as a boy, and give him hormones and cosmetic treatments to facilitate this as necessary, as he grows older. We essentially have an enouch choosing to grow up male. Seems like best choice would be to treat as a FtM TG not am MtF.
Gender Disconnect
Cheryl is right. How many trans people commit suicide because they are "forced" to be a gender their brain says they are not? That's what is being done to this kid. Don't force him down a path he doesn't want to go down. For many/most of us life did not get better as we grew older, don't lie to the kid. You have a choice: be straight out truthful with the kid, or lie. The kid will figure out all too soon that he is being lied to. When you can't trust the people you're closest to then what options are left?
We keep saying the physical body is not an indicator of gender for some people and they should be allowed to pursue the path that feels right to them. What are you and the others telling him? That the physical body is the only indication of gender, "so suck it up, buttercup".
"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin
FtM
I agree, I can somewhat understand why they want to go for SRS instead of making him an eneuch, especially now that male reconstructive surgery is in the lift it's handy to keep some of the sensitive parts around. That said I didn't know doctors would actually do that IRL. As for the kid himself, make clear that he can still be a boy if he wants. Just because he lost his penis he doesn't need to start wearing dresses or play with dolls. I can see some issues with sportsclubs however, if he wants to play make sure it's somewhere without communal showers.
David Reimer
I don't have very many facts about what's going on with this kid, so this might not apply, and I apologize if I'm jumping to conclusions here, Lilly...
But to force transition on someone seems as unconscionable as to refuse to let someone who needs it transition, and from the example of David Reimer the psychological results are about the same. As much as I love a story where a young person is nudged reluctantly into girlhood + discovers to her surprise that it's the best thing ever I don't know if this ever happens in real life. I really hope this isn't the plan, and pray that this child will get a say in his/her fate.
~~hugs, Veronica
.
Support and encouragement for people who have lost body parts---amputees, eunuchs, the blind etc---might best come from those who suffered the same fate, who really GET what the person is feeling; and have gone on to live rich fulfilled lives.
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
It wasn't forced
They weren't forced, the male organs were damaged and the female organs were the ones still intact. The female organs are being left alone until puberty sets in where the child will then have the choice to transition or not.
So sad
That's sad that it happen to a kid that didn't want it in any kind of way.
I might be very wrong, but I would try to find models that he can look up to. Be it be a real women, a men or even some comics super heroes. A role model that kind of look feminine but has a more masculine approach.
I would not go in the way of showing him some disable persons and tell him "Look you're lucky, you could have ended like them!" that wold be a killer.
Talk and listen to your nephew, talk with the parents too and try to make sure that they too really listen and talk with there son.
And unless your nephew decide to be a girl, always use "He", "Him"...
Big Hugs for you, Caring Hugs for him
Why the gender switch?
These days I see no reason for it at all all of them need to learn that being a boy or a man is more than having a penis and as surgical techniques are advancing all the time, it seems nonsensical to force him to be something he's not when in ten years or possibly sooner some clever surgeon will find a solution to rebuilding whatever was damaged.
Keep talking to him and listening, reassure him it's not the end of the world and he can be anybody he wants.
Angharad
Let me explain
The kid was never physically a boy to begin with. He never would've been able to reproduce as a male so he was given the choice to stay male but never be able to have kids or turn into a girl and have the possibility of having kids(that isn't set and stone either due to the size of the female organs)
Hope this helps
I went back and read your blog about the accident and what was done. Since you said that they would try to be a girl and that functionally they are female I will use she. Your niece sounds very much like a young lady that I had a long conversation with back in April. She had been believed to be a boy at birth, but later on around the age of 13 or so they found that she had mostly female internal organs. Now her situation was that her body couldn't process the testosterone and no matter how much they gave her she never developed as anything other than female. She was in her early 20's and was still struggling. Her therapist had actually invited me to come speak with her, she thought that with my own gender struggles and the fact that I've overcome almost dying twice from it. Once by my own hand, and the second I was just willing to let it happen. While all that crap is in my past, I'm doing really good now and get asked to speak to people fairly often. That being said, here is my advice.
First off as others said, she talked to you. She confided in you, so that means she trusts you. While that is a huge burden Lilly it is also a huge gift. Be there for her, but don't try to push her in any way or let her parents push her. Don't let the fact that since she is physically a girl define how she is treated. Don't force any gender roles on her. Let her define herself to how she is going to turn out. While physically female, she can be as much of a boy as she wants to be, or as little. The ball is in her court, the adults need to let her figure out how she wants to play it.
The lady I talked to for the longest time was a tomboy, but as the years progress she finally found out (on her own) being female wasn't a curse and she started making huge strides. The problem she was having when I talked to her was how her family wouldn't let her past die and was struggling to move forward. She had accepted and embraced who she was.
Your niece will eventually do the same for herself, she just needs the time and support from the adults in her life.
Much love to you and your family during this struggle.
Rebecca
I know I’m weird. The fact that I’m trans is probably one of the more normal things about me.