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I wish I was dead! I just read Shalim IV by Casey Brooke. I loved the story though I did have a problem with it. The Earth gets new planetary members by intelligence work first. By swapping bodies with a member of that society to learn the easiest method of getting them to join. If that doesn't work then it's a force of arms.
The issue I have is more the body swapping in other stories where someone switches bodies with someone to take over their life, I have issue with. Oh, in Shalim IV story, I was not rooting for Earth. Though I love the main character.
But back to me. I've come to the realization, that there is no say I'll ever have what I really want. Which is to be a Full-fledged Female. Even gender reassignment surgery will not give me what I want. To me, and this is only for me, it is nothing but a cosmetic change. I'll never be able to be a true mother, which is what I want.
This is the biggest problem I have with the Transgender community right now. To me Transgender is a transition from one gender to another and this multi non binary crap makes the whole community look bad. Which makes true research in to Transgenderism difficult. I'm not say multi non binary isn't real but please pick another label then Transgender.
Anyways, I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm not brave enough to try anything. Well, except smoke. It is a legal form of suicide, it just takes forever. Besides I have four four-legged kids I'd probably be sentencing to death. I don't really have any friends where I am or anyone that would notice I'm missing. So my cats would probably die as well and I can't have that on my head. So basically the cats are the only reason I continue.
Wil
Comments
"Transgender" is a broad term because it needs to be.
Is the LGBTQI etc. community really in need of MORE labels to make us look even more fractured?
What makes any community look bad -- ANY -- is intolerance, and to take the stance that a group needs to be segregated simply because they aren't exactly like what you want them to be is exactly that, and while I doubt you meant it in a hurtful way, it's the kind of action that, if taken, leads to hurt, both to those who wanted the segregation and those who didn't.
Think about how much better the world would be if we didn't have labels. Why does whether someone is gay or straight or cis or Christian or Republican or any of that matter in the first place? I would argue that we are better served by viewing people as people and leaving the labels aside, at least the ones we try and apply to others.
I'm trans. I'm a woman. And yes, those are labels, and I am applying them to myself. But why should anyone else care? Why should I care what labels anyone else applies to me? I am who I am regardless of what others think of how I act and how I dress, and those are things that people normally tie in with such labels. I want to transition because it would make me more comfortable in my own skin, but I honestly don't plan on changing how I present or act in any way once I do, because I present and act like ME, and I am who I am regardless. Sure, my bras might be a little more full and once I've lost more weight I plan on going goth again, but that's for ME, and not anyone else.
Like you, there is nothing I can imagine more wonderful than being a mother. To hold my child in my arms, to feed them from my own breast, to experience the joys and woes of pregnancy and birth . . . there is nothing dearer, and there is little chance that, within my viable lifetime, such a thing will truly be possible. But what's that got to do with being trans, when there are millions of genetic women with the same problem? My aunt Paula has been pregnant 3 times, and all 3 times lost the child less than 3 months in. The last time, the doctor told her if she tried again it would probably kill her too, and she got her tubes tied because of it. She is one of the most loving, most amazing women I know, and has been like a second mother to me my entire life, and I can't imagine the pain she must feel not being able to give birth to her own children is any less than what I feel, or what you feel.
So why deny anyone calling themselves what they want? And why deny yourself inclusion in a broader world of interesting, amazing individuals by insisting that who or what you are has to somehow set you apart from all the other wonderful people around you?
One day I will adopt. With any luck, I can adopt from birth, and with enough preparation to be able to breast feed my child myself. Will I miss out on the pregnancy, and giving birth myself? Unfortunately (or, as I'm sure a number of genetic women would claim, fortunately,) yes. That won't make the child any less mine though, or the feelings of love and devotion I will have for them any less. I can still be a mother to the most capacity I possibly can, and so can you with time and effort.
My own mother struggles with depression and has, of late, developed a bad habit of letting the bad things in her life overwhelm her while ignoring the good. We got a brand new gas heater in the front room, she was upset because the gas line was longer than she wanted it to be and snaked along the wall. She sees family members making choices she thinks are bad for them or talking about other family members behind their backs and gets so frustrated about it and lets it all ruin her life despite none of it having any real impact on her. I've been working with her for months to try and get her to see that just because there's bad around her doesn't mean she should ignore the good, and I'd say the same for you too.
Don't let all the things you can't do or can't be or can't have get in the way of the things you can. You can't get pregnant? That doesn't mean you can't be an amazing mother to a beautiful child one day. You can't afford to transition? That only really affects outward appearances and means nothing in terms of defining WHO you are. Do medical issues keep you from pursuing activities or actions you desire? Then find ways to embrace the communities around such things and help others to be able to do what you can't.
"Give me the strength to change the things I can, accept the things I can't, and the wisdom to know the difference." Probably one of the wisest things ever said.
*hugs*
Melanie E.
God I wish Labels would go away!
Yes, I didn't mean to be hurtful. My second dearest wish would be if everyone would treat people as individuals, but as you said that won't happen in the society we have. It hurts because at first glance, I'm a white male. (Labels) But in truth I'm a woman trapped in a males body, but that's isn't what people see. And yes, I shouldn't have posted when I did. Like I mentioned, I had just finished reading Shalim IV where I truly connected to the protagonist so much. I've also been watching too many political YouTube videos. I really need to stop that. It really depresses me.
I also have judgmental Christian parents and even though I'm 46, I feel that I want their respect and acceptance.
Unlike in the stories by say Tanya Allan I can't even form a relationship as a "normal" male because I know it will lead to hurting someone. Her or me, so I isolate myself. And on top of that I've come to the realization that if I woke up tomorrow as a woman, I'm not as sure anymore I'd be a Lesbian, which is what I always believed. But as a guy I'm interested in woman only. God, I'm messed up!
I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Sorry. I'm going to stop there.
Wil
Aine
Unfortunately, or rather,
Unfortunately, or rather, there's no reason to call it fortunate or unfortunate as it just is - Humans require labels. It's a survival characteristic that's lasted for an enormous length of time. The simplest form is 'Different, kill it.' 'Food, not-food'. 'Danger, not-danger'. It's why I dislike the phrase 'Don't judge a book by its cover'. We, as a species (we're not the only one, most animals do it as well), make an immediate judgement based on the initial image, to decide 'fight, flight, or safe'. Unlike my cat, for example, we are capable of stepping beyond that - but we still make the assessment, and it's ludicrous to suggest that we can, or should even try to, avoid it.
The problems happen when people use those labels as excuses for bad behaviour. One label means that someone is inferior to someone else, another label that they're dangerous, a third that they are ignorable, and so forth.
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
Oh, I understand!!
Labels are also endemic to Language. And believe me, I don't even think anyone is less then me. In actuality think tend to think I'm lesser then others. I know it's a self esteem issue. But it's true. I guess my issue with others using the label is it makes me feel even less secure, if that's possible. An it doesn't help that I live in Tennessee with no friends or family and with no way out.
Wil
Aine
Tanymsun...
Tanymsun, do not let the world destroy you and do not let the world control you.
Right now, there are many fanatics on all sides pushing their own agendas.
There is a time to be out and about, and there is a time to take a step back and be cautious. Sadly, this is a time to be cautious.
Presently, be careful of people whom claim to support you, yet ask you to take foolish actions. They might be planning to sacrifice you to push their agenda.
That being said, try to enjoy life the best you can. And try to enjoy spending time with your cats.
Have a good life and try not to rush into anything without first thinking on things.
Yah!
I really shouldn't have written that post. Don't let friends Blog when feeling down!
Wil
Aine
The post
Some call it journaling. Other use the older term 'venting.'
Both are recommended by counsellors everywhere.
It was probably necessary at the time, Wil
...but now it's embarrassing, all those raw feelings laid bare for all to see.
But I think a lot of us here, if we haven't been exactly where you were when you wrote it
we've been somewhere just as painful. So don't sweat it. Friends don't judge for blogging when
you're feeling down; because it's better to talk about something like this
and not have strictly needed to than to need to and say nothing.
We don't have to be all stoic all the time.
~hugs, Veronica
And remember...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifLqzLEB3E0
unfortantly technology at this time
cannot give us the peace we need. Yes gender reassignment is not the answer but for most it is the best we have. I mean just having the right thing between your legs is a huge improvement. You are not always fighting your instincts in how to move, act or otherwise.
By the time we get the technology to make our bodies match our brains perfectly they will find a way to "fix" the brain to match the body as well.
I do not understand the whole "I wanna die" concept. I mean think of all the adventures and experiences, not to mention fun, that you will miss out on. Then there is all the problems it would cause for everyone around you, be it friends, neighboors, family, pets, actually the list is quite long when you think of it.
AND from what I understand, if you follow most religions, whatever pain you think you have, it wont stop when you die.
I dunno just doesn't seem worth it to me.
I mean think of it. When a loved one, be it person or pet, dies you feel a very real pain. I, personally, would not wish that on anyone else.
Just my thoughts.
FWIW
For what it's worth, I can understand why you might want to use the final solution. I salute you for finding a good reason not to do it, because a good solid reason will cut through the despair when things get bad.
I know from whence I speak.
I have seen a lot of my dreams shattered. I was never happy with my body, though that's mostly because I am overweight. Even when I was maxing out the machines at the health club, and quite strong, I wasn't as ripped as I would have been had I been able to lose the weight.
Aspergers kept me from having the confidence and ability to interview for the jobs I really wanted. I should have left my programming job when my boss started becoming a jerk. He was an expert at taking the joy out of something that I normally enjoyed. And he was too stupid to realize that he was shooting himself in the foot by acting that way because I wasn't as effective, and other, more confident employees did, in fact, leave for greener pastures.
Now, because clinical depression makes it harder to overcome some of the challenges of asperger's, I am living on disability. Still, I like where I am (a ten acre parcel in the middle of Michigan.) But I wish I had the energy to go out and get that dream engineering job. Or start my own business. Or something.
But back to suicide.
Yes, I have planned out how to do it. But I wouldn't do that to my kids or my parents. It would absolutely ruin my boys' lives, and devastate my parents.
When my niece was in her mid twenties, she swallowed every pill in the house and used her last gasp to call 911 so that her husband wouldn't find her body when he got home.
Well, she didn't expect it, but they managed to save her. She said that she didn't remember what she did, and everyone assumed that it was a problem with her meds that caused her to do that.
A couple years later, just shy of her thirtieth birthday, she came up with a more effective plan and succeeded.
I still vividly remember my mother and me crying on each others' shoulders.
Two years ago this January, my sister was murdered.
As my wife puts it, she was sweet, sassy, and lived life on her own terms. She was a happy person and spread that happiness around. I was amazed at how many lives she touched.
My poor parents. Again.
I understand why Samantha wanted to end it. She was approaching the 'big three oh,' and was racked with depression. She didn't see happiness in her future. She had lost hope.
Also, when people suffer from depression, they start to see themselves as worthless. They start to believe that the world would just be better off without them.
And that's where I was different.
I gave more thought to how it would hurt people than to how I could accomplish it reliably and without risking leaving myself alive, but in worse shape.
But also, I have two separate levels of hope.
Being a Christian, I know that, no matter how much life here on Earth ends up sucking, that Heaven is waiting and is worth every bit of pain.
But meanwhile, I'm a nerd. In fact, that's pretty much central in my personality. My gender identity pretty much universally tests in the middle when I take even the junky facebook tests. It really isn't a big part of who I am. As an author, I'm a whole lot of people wrapped up in one big lumpy bunch. I relish that and use it when I write.
So, even as my body is failing me, I am relishing the improvements in technology. I am living what was once science fiction.
But I still want my flying car, housekeeping robot, and space ship.
And my health.
But now it looks like we will have bio printed organs within a decade or so. The whole body may take longer, but, like my fictional 'sweet sixteen' girl, I can keep going until the autodoc (or whatever they end up calling it) is developed.
Also, in the mean time, virtual reality is getting better and better.
I encourage the discouraged to look forward to the future. Become a citizen of Second Life or something like that if it'll help. Design the body you want whether that be a sweet sixteen girl, anthro husky, or a mermaid.
The girl in my 'sweet sixteen' series was born in the 1950s. I might be a little optimistic about the speed that technology is advancing, but I keep seeing evidence that it is moving that fast.
Thanks Ray!
For me, even those junkie Facebook test peg me as totally female. Bah! They are so right, at least inside.
On my "plan", as much as I'd like to go sail the world, I stay away from it. A> if I go alone, I'm to likely to jump and let my boat go without me. B> even if I was with someone it would be difficult.
As for my land dream, I have to pay this broken down RV off before I can do anything. At the minimum it will be 2 years and to do that I need to get back on with Amazon now that they are paying $15 an hour. But the local ones are taking forever to open back up. Time will tell.
Now for the 3D print, so far it's looking like 10-20 years before it will help Transgender individuals. 3 years ago I read 5 years but since it's seems to change longer and longer.
Wil
Aine
Twenty years ago, they said
Twenty years ago, they said that bio-printed hearts and other 'muscle' organs were right around the corner. I seem to recall one being 'Five years'. I don't know if it was purely wishful thinking, or if someone's stalling the technology until they can figure out how to really monetize it.
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
Will
I wish I knew of words that could make things better right now, I really do. I dealt with much of what you talked about. I wanted nothing more than to one day be a mother and fully functioning female in today's society even with all the pro's and con's involved. I even came out as a kid and ended up in Conversion therapy which made me bury my true feelings as deeply as humanly possible. Unlike you though I married (twice) and the second time I had children, three girls. I was led to believe that if I got a good job, a good home, and a wife and kids that I would finally be happy... In some twisted convoluted way I believed what I was told as a drugged up 12 year old in therapy... Even if I couldn't be a mother I relished having children, especially three girls. I thought maybe I could live vicariously through them. Tea parties, playing with their dolls, and dressing up and stuff... It worked... for a while... Until it didn't anymore.
Like you the thought of 'checking out' was considered. Actually there probably wasn't a day that went by from the age of my therapy until I finally accepted myself seven years ago that I didn't think about it. Unfortunately at 19 I did give up and try... Miraculously I woke up and I kept plugging on...
Back in 2012 when I broke down from not being able to cope being a big burly bald biker looking guy, I ended up hurting a lot of people... Most of them have moved on, but yet I continued to plug right along... I found many that returned to my life (mostly my daughters)... I've heard many horror stories of what people have endured and while mine was pretty rough it wasn't as bad as it could have been... And I'm still here.
Do I wish I could still be a full fledged female instead of a huge bulky balding transwoman? Heck yeah I do, but for right now I'm okay... I have my girls, new friends to replace all those who bailed... I'm finally just me... I no longer try to 'label' myself anything other than that. It's just not worth the hassle and worry.
Will, I commend you for still being here. I know life is hard... Impossible at times... The moments though its not hard and impossible... Those are the moments worth living for, at least how I see it.
Melanie, I have always loved the Serenity Prayer. A few years ago I read a variation of it that really stuck with me. It goes... God grant me serenity to accept the thing I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and finally the wisdom to know that it's me...
Much love to ya Will.
I know I’m weird. The fact that I’m trans is probably one of the more normal things about me.