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It's been a real rollercoaster since my last post. Still not officialy divorced because my soon to be ex can't afford the filing costs (but buys a new car).
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One of the other things bugging me is this.. I am paying 500 euro/month rent at the moment. Enough to pay a mortgage of 80.000 euro on a' fixed % 30 year'- plan. But I can't get 30.000 to buy a small house whatever I try. Or at least nobody willing to give me a mortgage on it.
My live in general is more existing then living. If I didn't have my fury roommates I wouldn't know what to do. Even now I find myself complentating to just walk out the door and go.
I just sleep, eat, play/walk the pets, do stuff online and once (if I feel like it otherwise yo can add a few days) every 7 days I go grocery shopping. Did I say sleep?? Is it sleep when you some days wake up and are still death tired
My sisters (the younger ones) promised to visit me. One I haven't seen yet. The other just needed space at my mom's so she dumped some of my stuff and split (10minutes max).
Haven't talked to my mom in about 18 months and still waiting on an apology for being a called a "good for nothing and waste of space that destroys everything for everyone and everything is your fault" (including her life, second marriage, ... by being born and being trans). Got tired of being told tha but I reacted on it in a wrong way . She got a" mean drunk" back
Maybe I should give up on life. Lots of people have it worse then me so why am I complaining???
Just no clue as to what to do and I hate being rudderless or not in being able to help myself.
L
PS I know there are a lot of faults in the above but I can't really put my mind on it to fix that .
Comments
Don't give up on life!
Don't give up on life!
Hard as it may seem, understand that some suffering is a natural part of human existence. It's how we deal with it that makes a difference. You can't change the outside world, only your own mind.
When you say:
"I just sleep, eat, play/walk the pets, do stuff online and once (if I feel like it otherwise yo can add a few days) every 7 days I go grocery shopping. "
Well, that describes the lives of a lot of people. (Especially retired folks.)
It also tells me you have a bed to sleep in, a roof over your head, mobility, food to eat, pets to love, sources of entertainment. So as you said you are better off than most of the people in the world.
You sound depressed. Everybody experiences that from time to time, but if it becomes persistent, get professional help.
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
"You sound depressed.
"You sound depressed. Everybody experiences that from time to time, but if it becomes persistent, get professional help."
I am. And for the first time in years it IS persistent. Seeing professional help but like you said , it's a retirement people thing. My main problem, I got (if I am lucky and see my 90th) at least 50 years of this to go. Almost feels like a living hell if I think about it.
People tell me (inluding the professional help) to find other things to do. Even if it is just transport, things to do cost money. Walking the dog is the cheapest thing I do if you don't take into account what it cost to take care of a large dog or the fact that I walked im on average 10km a day last year (and 3 pair of decent boots).
>Sighs< don't see any futur. The cat is +18. This dog is 2 years so with luck will be around for another 13. But then what? Another dog just so I don't feel as lonely.
Lynne
feeling sorry for herself and angry for feeling sorry
get
A bike!
Whenever i'm down, facing a crisis or things are just pointless, a bike ride helps put things in perspective. I find I can't stay maudlin for long on a bike ride, you have to concentrate on what you are doing and soon enough you are enjoying the scenery, nature, just being. Of course it has other benefits, health and fitness both of which might help you get to those 90 years!
It's not a panacea but it is a positive thing to do.
Mads
Madeline Anafrid Bell
Shakes head
Maddy,
You know those things are dangerous don't you???:P ( triple fracture right arm, open fracture right arm, skull fracture with concussion, ... always seem to get into accidents on a bicycle) I do own one but before I use it , I would need to clean it up, check every working part, get new inner tubes and put it back together as it has been made into parts for my last move. Decent aluminium frame city bike 2. Why I prefer to walk 10km rather then ride 1km although at a time that was different.
On similar note. Used to scramle up a decent hill (or roof when no hills availabe) to just watch the sky. and kinda feel the vibes.Even used to do some light meditation. Doesn't really help anymore because I can't center myself enough (stupid brain) to make it work and I got a bit to cynicall.
L
Meditation and Walking
You might want to give meditation another chance, recognizing of course that it's never a quick fix. It might take months, but it can't hurt, has no dangerous side effects, and costs only a bit of time. Perhaps there is a local center that has meditation classes or sessions, Buddhist, or secular like TM.
And of course, keep up your walking, it's very therapeutic.
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
Keep your head up Hon!
Things will get better.
D. Eden
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus
trevor quote
Hi D.
Well there is a dutch/flemish saying "Hoop doet leven." ("Hope does living" although translation sucks with expressions and I don't know the english language equivalent).
So I hope, still, ...
L
The Saying...
"Where there's life, there's hope."
Well
I just put in, another, loan / mortgage application. Will see if I get lucky.