When Horror turns to Joy!
Some days it feels like things will never get better when something happens to help me understand who I am and what I'm all about. I'm in the midst of my latest chapter for my Defender series and I have a scene where Donna asks the girl why she's upset. The girl, a victim of molestation, grows impatient and angry because Donna admits that never happened to her. Jill begins to cry and repeats the phrase over and over, It's unfair, because she thought that all girls like her were hurt in that way. Donna explains that it doesn't always follow and asks her why she believes that. Her reply is that her mother said,
"This is what happens to little boys who want to be girls."
Horror becomes joy? I had a flashback while going over that in my head while my son was in the bank a little while ago. My uncle said the exact same thing to me; I remembered it as I 'wrote' the scene in my head and I was overcome with such horror that I began to weep uncontrollably. Thankfully my son took a bit longer than he expected and I managed to suck it up before he got to the car.
But in the drive home, it came to me...the joyful part. It confirmed for me once and for all that I knew way before I was molested that I wanted to be a girl, as horrific an display of 'evidence' that anyone could have ever imagined, but another piece of my psychic puzzle. My sister and I were hurt when I was eight or nine and she was ten or eleven. My earliest memory of wanting to be like her was when I was six. My first memory of wearing a dress was when he hurt us. But now I know I wasn't wearing a dress because he made me wear it; I was wearing it when he hurt me and Joann. So knowing for sure once and for all that my gender issues didn't arise from my hurt gives me great comfort, since I count this part of me precious and innocent and dear to my heart.
I do so want to encourage anyone here who has been through this! If you haven't gotten any help, seek out a counselor/therapist who deals with abuse issues and PTSD, and if you're lucky, gender issues. And I do so want to thank everyone who's been holding my hand this past year. And thanks once again to Erin for providing this forum. Andrea
Note: I removed the picture since it's RL and my pen name pops up with the pic on Google Images.