Author:
Caution:
Blog About:
Taxonomy upgrade extras:
"The Miracle Cure" of course being a reference to the idea that we can somehow be made into just a "normal" cis-gendered person in whatever sex we were assigned at birth.
I was reading a TG webcomic and something mentioned in the comments field really struck me, so I just HAVE to share:
Talking about an experiment that was done, hypnotising a bunch of transsexuals into thinking and acting as though they were "normal":
"or they fell into a terrible depression that they couldn’t describe; as though they were still deeply troubled by something, but couldn’t place why"
This! This describes my entire life from the time I was MAYBE 8 at the oldest until just a coupla years ago. I can't verify it to have started any younger than 8 because I honestly have no real memory even now of my most formative years. I just know that my earliest memories (where I also remember what age I was) are around 8 and even then, I was deeply troubled by something but couldn't place why. It'd get worse and ease off in an almost cyclic pattern, but it was still ever persistent. I actually even managed to convince myself I WASN'T being depressive during the eased off periods... But... Looking back now after finally freeing myself... All I really knew then was anger and depression, just at varied levels. I even know true despair. And trust me, it ain't pretty.
Thing is, I did it entirely by myself, to myself, and broke free from it entirely by myself, from myself. Sounds kinda confusing, I know, but it's exactly the way it went. Self-hypnotism IS real. All hypnotism does is program the conscious mind to perform certain responses to certain stimuli while preventing the subconscious mind from interfering. That subconscious block is the source of the "deeply troubled" feeling and also why you can't place why. WHY is in the subconscious, and is being blocked.
Some people take to hypnotism better than others, and for those, it'll last until it's broken. For some it'll naturally deteriorate on it's own without consistent reiteration. The ones where it naturally deteriorates are the ones that start showing signs of tg again in that article.
And when a part of the subconscious actually takes an active part in the constructing and maintaining of the program residing in the conscious and in blocking another part of the subconscious... Which is what happened in my case...
Someone recently tried telling me I had no idea how powerful my mind is (someone who self-identifies as being "in-between" and insists there's no such thing as full transsexuals, only cis-men, cis-women, and "in-betweens"... But I know EXACTLY how powerful my mind is. I also know without a single doubt in my mind, heart, or soul, that I am a woman. Heart, mind, and soul. My stupid body can say whatever my stupid body wants to say, and my conscious mind can be tricked into saying things that aren't quite true as well, but the fact is, deep inside me, at the very core of my being, resides a woman. End of story.
A few years ago I dropped out of college when I came face to face with true despair and still, even then, had no idea why. A couple years ago I went on a deep soul search within myself with the aid of a very mild opiate herb. I had no idea then that I was in fact a woman... But at the end of the search when I finally found myself, my true self... Wow. What a revelation it was. And it changed everything.
I'm now transitioning... Very early in the process, but when I came to from that long nightmare there was no doubt in my mind that I had no other choice. Period. End of Story.
Anyone still failing to understand... Let's face it. You'll NEVER understand. I'm not asking nor have I EVER asked anyone to "understand". All I ask is that you accept. Accept that I am not and never truly was whoever you may have thought I was. It was a lie. A very carefully constructed and maintained lie.
And if anyone thinks there's no freaking way someone so young could possibly have created such a construct within their own minds... You're an idiot. It may not happen often, but it's definitely real, definitely possible, and I'm LIVING PROOF of the concept.
Comments
yay!
you are woman, hear you roar!
Thanks Dorothy!
Thanks Dorothy! *hugs*
Abigail Drew.
there's no such thing ...
"there's no such thing as full transsexuals, only cis-men, cis-women, and 'in-betweens'..."
Truth is there's more likelihood that there's not such thing as truly cis-gendered men or women. A branch of psychiatry maintains there is something masculine about every woman and something feminine about every man. Those of us who admit we are transgendered, usually have a significant something in the other gender. For true transsexuals, that something approaches or meets the point of those who claim to be cis-gendered.
I firmly believe that gender is a continuum with Masculine on one end and Feminine on the other and that very few, if any, find them truly at one end or the other. I know that I'm no where near the masculine end, no matter what my birth certificate or driver's license says. I am a mix somewhere near the middle, leaning more and more toward the feminine as I get older. I doubt I'll live long enough to reach the point where I will be as feminine as those who claim to be a cis-gendered woman.
But that's OK, I'm happy being me and expressing that something feminine most all the time I'm not at work. (I'll retire in four years and then there will be no "at work" to worry about, I may approach full time feminine, but I'll always have a significant masculine aspect, but it works for me. Your mileage may vary.)
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
no such thing...
The argument can be made a lot of different ways... In the end though, for the purposes of description such that we can keep things from over-complicative definitions... A "cis" is someone who identifies strongly enough as the gender which matches the sex they were assigned to at birth as to have absolutely no concept or understanding of why anyone might possibly feel otherwise.
But yeah... And actually I don't really even consider it just a continuum. Continuum's only have two ends. It's a spectrum with many widely varying factors and dimensions.
And when you get down to THAT kind of nitty-gritty level, my ID is much more complicated than simply "woman". But I'm far enough along enough of the dimensions with enough of the right factors in play that my subconscious mind responds to stimuli intended only to work on the global subconscious' definition of "female". In layman's terms... That means I'm female.
Abigail Drew.
Get Rid Of The Labels
Hang on, have I got this completely wrong? I thought 'cis' was just a convenient label to describe people who aren't 'trans'. I didn't think it came with that kind of baggage.
Maybe a 'cis' is someone who identifies strongly enough with the gender that matches the sex they were assigned to at birth that they feel no need to transition?
It's a horrible term anyway, and the sooner we stop assigning labels to people who just want to be themselves the better.
You want acceptance? Ditch the labels.
Ditching labels...
Sadly that'd actually probably have the opposite effect on the people most likely to NOT accept.
A part of me wonders what it'd be like to truly be without labels... but at the same time I DO take comfort in certain ones... For example, whenever someone refers to me with feminine labels and actually means it. Labels like geek, nerd, gnork, hacker, also comfortable to me, though some might mean them as insult and some may even take them that way.
There are other labels I'd really rather we not need at all, and those are any sort of way to try to delineate gender further than just the binary... With me firmly in the female camp. But then we'd be excluding those who lie between. If people could just accept ME and other transsexual women as just "women" as well as all other women and the same on the male end, and then have however many labels or whatever are needed to allow each individual somewhere between to most comfortably describe themselves - without trying to necessarily claim transsexuals are actually one of them...
But sadly, I really don't ever see that happening. Until I pass completely and then as long as no one who knows outs me... And that'll be the story for almost all transsexuals. Until we pass completely as our real gender we'll have to put up with stupid labels that aren't really us.
And I really fail to see where I put any extra baggage on the term that wasn't already there. All I really did there was define "not trans". "Not trans" doesn't mean not needing to transition. Because then we'd be excluding those between. Not one cis I know actually understands. Even if they think they do, they maybe understand SOME of the nuances, but they still don't really understand. Those who are allies are merely more accepting than those who are not. And perhaps have some understanding of said nuances. But they do not understand. And believe me, "wondering what it's like" is NOT AT ALL even CLOSE to our experiences. Thinking you understand merely because you've wondered about it is the epitome of foolishness. Though I do have to admit it's closer than some. My mother for example seems to think doing ANYTHING to change "what God gave you" even temporary like shaving, is all kinds of wrong.
Of course, then again, those who lie between don't truly understand what it is to be so totally opposite what you appeared to be when assigned at birth. I personally lie so far towards the "female" in every way that actually matters except anatomy and biology that referring to me at all as anything less than female is truly absurd. And even my body says conflicting things, truth be told. While it says male by genitalia and hair distribution it says female by pelvis shape, frame size, hip width and even digit ratio.
Oh. And I'd GLADLY drop the "cis" if the "cis" will drop the "trans". Globally. If no "cis" ever again referred to ANY transsexual as anything but their true gender with no additional notation I'd no longer feel any need to add "cis". And by true gender I do quite mean what most "cis" would call "chosen". We never chose our gender, we merely chose between either hiding it or displaying it.
But that'd take a HUGE change in perceptions and may even require the cis to actually understand, so... Not really holding much hope.
Abigail Drew.
I believe that the only labels that count, Abi...,
Are those we accept for ourselves. Though, I must say, that it really hurts when others can't accept us as we see ourselves.
Ole
We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!
Gender rights are the new civil rights!
*squeee!*
Thanks Ole!
*hugs*
Abigail Drew.
I don't think so.
"Maybe a 'cis' is someone who identifies strongly enough with the gender that matches the sex they were assigned to at birth that they feel no need to transition?"
By that definition, then, I'm 'cis' and there's way too much feminine about me to allow that. I'm way more a girly-girl than my wife is. Compared to me she's absolutely butch. In the 47 years I've known her I can think of only three times she's worn a dress. One of them was when we were married and another was when out daughter got married; the third time was when she was in an organization that had a formal dinner. Aside from that it's pants or shorts; she owns absolutely no skirts.
I, on the other hand, have 7 skirts, five dress in my wardrobe. The tops I prefer to wear are way down the feminine line where hers are more masculine cut. The only women's clothes I own that are masculine cut are the two outfits I wear to church. They consist of mole skin big shirts, from Woman Within and two pair of Worthington pants I bought at J C Penney from the women's department. The shoes I wear with them are a pair of women's size 12W penny loafers I got from Zappos. That's just enough for me to feel comfortable in church without feeling phoney. Even if every person there (and I'm not so sure that it's every person) sees them as men's clothes, God and I know the truth that it's just feminine Pat sitting in the back pew.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Gender spectrum
I agree that the gender spectrum has 'inbetweenies' but I tend to see the gender structure more as a circle with cis-genders locate some 180 degrees apart and there being two 'inbetweenie' connections to those nodes. Whilst gender and sexuality are not connected biologically I believe they are interactive because of social and cultural factors. Thus my view of the aformentioned gender circle tends to divide further, thus.
Cis-male and Cis female locate at 12 and 6 while heterosexual and homosexual are located at 3 and 9, it matters not which order. Thus the inbetweenies then find themselves with some sort of personal datum where they can place themselves in some sort of stability.
It's my own strictly personal perspective and I NEVER superimpose my private concept upon others.
Bevs
'Drea can you hear me?
Extra...extra...read all about it!
...there's really no need for a miracle cure...
Extra...extra...read all about it!
...there's really no need for a miracle cure...
He's a girl...Mrs. DiMaggio...he's a girl...
He's a girl...Mrs. DiMaggio...he's a girl...
...see me....hear me...nothing wrong with me..eee..eee
...see me....hear me...ee..eee...nothing wrong with me....
It's brain chemis'try...that's what it's caused by
just like be...ing...being left-handed...
It's nothing to be...to be ashamed of....
just like be...ing...being left-handed...
I'm not gonna take it...no therapy...nor no pill
I'm not gonna take it...never have and never will...ill...
Love, Andrea Lena
*hugs*
*hugs* for you, Drea. I know how much it probably hurts for you to continue denying yourself for your family... I couldn't do it anymore. I know I caused and continue to cause a great deal of trauma to my siblings and parents, but I just couldn't do it anymore.
I really admire your strength in being able to continue keeping yourself together. I was ready to self-combust back then.
Abigail Drew.
I am so glad you found
I am so glad you found yourself... and don't doubt yourself any more.
And if you kicked that depressive habit you had-- all the better!!
I can empathise in that looking back I probably had the same kind of cycles all through school, and then I would ease up and get on with things. When I actually started seeing someone about my depression it was like putting on glasses for the first time.... I could see properly when I had no idea the world was so blurry before!
However painful it may have been to face the truth life is so much better with clear vision!
Xx
Amy
self-doubt and depression...
Thank you! But in some ways I do still fight the occasionally depressive episode. But yes. My self doubt is truly gone now. I'm not even sure what did it. It wasn't that long ago when I was still having episodes of that too.
I am using a couple of subliminals right now, I've been on a constant stream of them for a while. I started with Absolute Self Confidence last year, did some Extreme Self Esteem, then Overcoming Fear, Guilt, and shame, did a voice feminizing sub as referenced in the above monologue and which I blogged about separately some time ago... Of particular note, as referenced above as well, the voice feminizing sub was written in such a fashion as to ONLY influence a subconscious mind which identified according to the global subconscious' definition of female. But even after that I STILL had an episode of doubt. Right now I'm using Life Tune Up and Ultra Success, a combination that is intended to help in all corners of my everyday life and make me successful in whatever I put my mind to... Including augmentation of the Life Tune Up.
I suppose the banishment of self doubt could be a success of Life Tune Up. There is nothing that I'm aware of directly in the programming for it, but there are several possibly linked things: Self Image, Self Respect, Positive Thinking, Sense of Self Worth, Liking yourself, Loving yourself, Feeling good about yourself...
Whatever the case... I am certainly glad to finally be rid of that nag.
Haha, yeah. Mine were REALLY bad though... I never could "get on with things". I was at constant war within myself and it showed in my inability to truly function in the outside world. It was all I had left in me even in the eased off periods to put on a show of trying to function at all. To do JUST ENOUGH to get others to stop nagging me to "get on with things".
For me, the most painful part of the truth isn't the truth itself, or what it means for me, but what it meant for my family. In a way I'd protected my family by constructing that program and hiding behind it. And my fears weren't completely unfounded. Though they're not QUITE as bad as I'd thought they'd be. My mom is never going to truly accept. She thinks she needs to understand to accept. And she is so totally far away from understanding that she'll never truly accept.
It's causing pain now. If I'd said I was a girl whenever it was that I'd programmed myself to act like a boy I would probably have destroyed the family.
The way I'd done that self-hypnotism program was truly clever and nigh indestructible. It was made in a way to be adaptive and self-sustaining. Because part of my subconscious was not only involved in it's construction, but also in its maintenance, that part was able to grab ideas about what being a boy meant from the global subconscious. If it wasn't for the occasional tears in the block part of the construct and the continual depression, no one could possibly have ever known that ANYTHING was up. No one. I would have even stumped any therapists who attempted to get inside my head. A hypnotist might have been able to detect that I had a program and a subconscious block, but due to the active part another portion of my subconscious took in maintaining it, they would most probably never have been able to crack it. And that's if anyone had even THOUGHT of taking me to one. And no one ever did.
No... Somehow when I was extremely young I managed to come up with a way to so thoroughly hide and protect myself and my family that only *I* myself could possibly ever break it. And only when the time was deemed right by the portion of my subconscious which took the job of maintaining the program.
And you know what the strangest thing is? I really don't think I can take all the credit. I know I have a guardian angel personally assigned to me and me alone. And no matter how clever a child under 8 is there's just no way they could've come up with a solution that elegant or thorough entirely on their own. My angel had to have shown me how.
I don't know what makes me so important... but whatever it is... I just hope I'm ready for it when it gets here.
And I still need to figure out what I'm going to do to sustain myself until it does.
Abigail Drew.
*Hugs*
Because sometimes words aren't enough.
I really hope that you can see your own importance in the mirror itself and love yourself - but it's a hard thing to do, I know.
And when I said: "get on with things" I didn't mean to suggest that your episodes weren't bad.
I kinda came out to myself in the last year, after years of very clever denial. And at the same time I became more depressed than usual. At the moment I have two years left of a degree to go and no motivation to do it in the near future. So I can't even pretend that I'm coping.
All the same, I sure hope I'm getting _somewhere_, otherwise this is rather a funny way to waste time.
I wish you all the best in both the immediate future and forever! :)
xx
Amy