Gina and Katie's Excellent Adventure - Part 7 - Confession

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Gina and Katie's
Excellent Adventure -
Part 7
Confession

 
by Andrea Lena DiMaggio
 

That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.


 
Jeannie had agreed with Gina Kelly that it would be helpful to read Todd’s blog, “Why I Dress.’ She had plans for later that day to meet with Gina and discuss the whole matter of Claire. She did want to gain Gina’s perspective; what it was like being married to someone who was transgendered. Mostly it was because she was still upset over her husband’s actions that she was almost looking for an excuse to stay angry. Todd’s revelation of sorts challenged Jeannie’s faith in God to the point where she felt faithless herself…It was difficult to even remain committed to her marriage and it was almost easier at this point to give up even though she told herself she loved her husband. She sat in her living room, cup of coffee in one hand, the article in her other, and a growing bitterness in her heart. She began to read.

It's really simple...I'm not quite sure why I dress; at least any one reason. What I can say is that this has been a part of my life for almost as long as I can remember. My counselor reminded me that there's been a lot written about "a boy and his dress," not all of it accurate, and a lot that we just don't know. For me, it's more about who I am than what I'm wearing. I've often thought about how it all fits together. I'm not completely comfortable about everything I feel and think regarding my cross dressing. Certainly, the whole self-pleasure aspect of it, for me at least, leaves me feeling odd and often leads to self-condemnation.

When Jeannie had read "self-pleasure" she had become angry and hurt all over again. Understandably, she had begun to question her own self-worth, wondering just what was so wrong with her that her husband would choose to "pleasure himself" rather than come to her for the love and support she had already shown for him. Just what was wrong that he preferred his own company? What kind of man would want that over what she had to give? She wept harder over that than anything Todd had demonstrated, said, or written.

"Come fare questo? Che cosa un fottuto bastardo! How could he do this...What a fucking bastard."

Her Sicilian usually didn't "rise up." Geovana Caliva Sinclair was a forgiving woman; she had forgiven her own parents for being so distant and neglectful. But for her husband to betray her like this?

"What's wrong with me?" she questioned. It took her nearly a half-hour of crying before she returned to the page, and even then, her tears stained the pages as she continued.

I have been blind, unwilling to see
The true love you're giving.
I have ignored every blessing.
I'm on my knees confessing

I hate myself when I do that. My wife is the most precious gift I ever received. Did you know that her name actually means "Gift of God?" How could I betray her like this...how fucking sick am I that I turn my back on the blessing I've received? But I know that a lot of what happens...no, not happens. My choice to masturbate is not an event without my control...it's a choice. I can't say that it's wrong...but it's entirely wrong for me. And for me, it cheapens the real part of me that is Claire. The part of me that is so important to how I think and act and love and give...She's the reason I'm as "good" as I am...why I function even though my mother hated me and my father beat me. To me...being able to resist...It isn't because I'm better than anyone else...far from it. It's really about why I feel a love for myself...sorry, odd contextual use of the word...why I can hold myself as being important and human. To me, it's never been about the dress. I wish I could find the words to tell her…my wife…how much I love her without having to give this part of me up.


That I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart is turning,
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.

"He's all over the place,” Jeannie thought to herself. "First it's about jacking off...then he's saying he loves me? I just don't get it” She was more angry than embarrassed at that point, but she was determined to read this through. She wanted to have it all settled when she talked to Gina.

I am so ashamed...there are days when I want to die...Maybe you feel like that too? Feeling like you’ll never be able to share this part of you with the ones you love? The only time I ever shared ...unintentionally...Claire with anyone, my mother slapped me. We had a great...pretty good relationship up to that point. From the time she found me in her dress...I was fourteen...until she died a couple of years ago...she never once again used my given name...and she never let me explain. She was never a warm person to begin with...I suppose that happens when you're abandoned by your own dad...but whatever love she had for me died that day. I cry every day...every fucking day for that. I'm a grown man...married to a beautiful woman; the most caring loving person I know...and yet I'm stuck at fourteen...still looking in the mirror over my shoulder at the most cruel hateful look I will ever know. I wanted to be so much like her....I wanted to please her...I never could.

Jeannie read the words and her efforts to remain distant went for naught. She read the words “when I want to die." over and over again. She couldn't believe how much shame her husband had suffered for so long. She knew about the "discovery" but she never knew just how much hurt Todd had held in. She never saw him cry...at least like how he described. She was angry again...It wasn't fair for him to write sad pitiful words in the middle of this...she wanted so much to remain angry, but "the most caring loving person I know?" She didn't feel very caring or loving at the moment, but try as she might; she was unable to staunch the tears that flowed. She wanted to hate her husband, but she had nothing but love for him. Not LOVE...that was gone, maybe for good...but the soft, unfettered acceptance that tried oh so hard without success not to forgive. Whatever the outcome over all this other stuff...she wasn't even sure she still wanted to be married...the part of Geovana Caliva Sinclair that was real and alive and human could never not love. She was as her husband had so aptly put it, the most caring loving person he knew, and nothing would change that...A divorce ...separation ...estrangement ...she might never love him ever again in the same way, but she would never stop loving him either.


I have been wrong about you.
Thought I was strong without you.
For so long nothing could move me.
For so long nothing could change me.

I want to be who I am...I suppose everyone does. But not at the expense of my marriage. Claire is just part of the whole. If I never ever again wore a dress...or slacks or a skirt and blouse...lol...If I never dressed the "part" ever again, it would be entirely worth it if I could hold my wife in my arms and never let go. I dress because it's an expression of who I am inside. Claire Elizabeth is a kind caring and hopefully encouraging part of me. I chose the name because it's my mom's sister's name. She was a lovely woman...died a few years ago...who was as kind and warm and loving as my mother was cold and uncaring. I’d like to think that if anyone would accept this part of me, it would be her. Some of you have noted that you like what I write because it helps you feel like someone knows you. I've wanted that for myself for as long as I can remember. Claire certainly wasn't born the first time she put on her mother's clothes, but also she certainly didn't die the day she was rejected by her mother either. I hope that is true for you as well...that you somehow find acceptance from the ones you love and who love you. It's really about love and acceptance and relationship anyway....it's really not about the dress. Thanks for reading ...Claire

Jeannie looked blankly into space, wondering what the future held. Her crying had subsided only just a little and she found herself wiping her face with her sleeve. She was still angry and hurt. She was confused and a little scared. She didn’t know what she was going to do…it was too painful to even imagine how things would work out. But she knew what she wasn’t going to do. One brief prayer in the midst of all the tears…

”What do you want me to do? Tell me, oh God, what do I do?”

One thing became clear. No matter how painful or difficult it was going to be, she would not stop loving Todd…ever.


Cause I feel myself surrender
Each time I see your face.
I am staggered by your beauty,
Your unassuming grace.
And I feel my heart
Falling into place.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
I can't hide
Now hear my confession.
Hear my confession

My Confession as sung by Josh Groban
Words and music by Richard Page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4BOqdeaOsk

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Comments

Hey Mom...

...you can do no wrong!!! This is as bitter-sweet as anything you've written before. It's so confessional...

Your lil' brat

Regardless of what anyone says...if it feels right...do it! :)

No matter what

ALISON

'happens now,Todd can't lay his soul open any more than what he has.Hauntingly beautiful!I feel like the Parish priest----or as if I had been eavesdropping on the confessional.
Much love,Alison

ALISON

Your writing moves me to tears

It stirs my emotions, knocks me down, then pulls me up.

To read without understanding, because you can never understand something outside your own experience.

But love conquers all, and true love is invincible.

Susie

Andrea - I just caught up on this

KristineRead's picture

Such a difficult time for both husband and wife. The hurt and betrayal on both sides is palpable... And you convey both points of view very well.

I am so thankful, that I, like Nina, told my wife early in our relationship and that we never had the angry betrayal part of all of this as a direct result. She knew and chose to marry me, warts and all, and yet it still took years, almost 9 years to get to the point where she was willing to spend time with me as Kristy.

But it was worth the wait...

Thanks for the story... looking forward to more.

Hugs,

Kristy

Crying in the library once again...

Andrea Lena's picture

...nice to be crying tears of hope and comfort. You make me believe that it's possible, and your own story gives me hope. Thank you!

She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Not that I blame Jeannie

I have met lots of CDs in my 20 years+ in the trans community and the rationale for dressing is as varied as there are dresses. There are CDs who candidly admitted to me that it is only about the look - a vanity thing, others who say it is all about the orgasm. One time I suggested if shaving is such a problem, why don't they just get rid of the beard or at the very least thin it out a bit and man did I get an ear-full about them not being TS.

For me clothes, is an enhancement as well as hiding my body from being stared at. I would be fine in a society where the convention is to be nude. Which leads me to wonder as to what kind of outlet would a crossdresser have in a clothesless society ?

Though it is not an original thought, how many husbands would want to hug, cuddle and kiss a crossdressed wife sat there in wide-fronts, bound breasts, a phony beard, and hairy underarms ( specially grown-in for the occasion ), wearing a baseball cap sitting in the living room whooping and swearing at a football game ?

Oh yeah, I forgot about the strap on prosthesis 3 piece set inside those wide-fronts.

Kim

Kimmie, Admitidly there are

KristineRead's picture

Kimmie,

Admitidly there are CD's that are strictly fetishistic. There are others that are in it for the thrill of violating social mores, but then there are many just like myself, that simply have a strong feminine side that needs an outlet.

I'm not TS, no doctor in their right mind would approve me for surgery, I'm content with my life as I am, as long as I have that outlet. Much as I long to know what it would feel like to finally be female, even for a day, surgery would not make me a happier person, I'd still have the same problems, and then the societal ones on top of that, and I would lose my true support, my wife. But that doesn't mean that I don't hurt and feel jealousy when I see a young girl that is growing into a woman... I do, some days it hurts terribly, other days less so. I often think of it as having lost the meiotic lottery, and with 50/50 odds, that really sucks.

Crossdressing is not, for me sexual. When I'm dressed as Kristy, I feel the stresses dripping off of me, and I can relax for a while.

While I can empathize with those that feel that way so strongly that it means they must seek surgical means to make their bodies match their minds image, I am content as I am.

As I said before it was difficult for my wife to come to grips with, even though she knew it before she married me. It is still a work in progress, and their are times she does ask me to be there as her husband. While she does not understand why I feel this way, and neither do I for that matter, she DOES understand that I do need this release.

Most of the time I dress I do not get aroused at all, but on the occassions when I do, if I examine what it is that is arousing, its the though of what would normally fill those articles of clothing. I am heterosexual male in that way, and those particular parts of the female body are erotic.

I do not publicly crossdress, not even on halloween, this is because the safety of my family comes first. I could not even hope to pass, in part as you point out because of my body hair. One of the key things my wife asks of me is that I not shave that, it is a reminder at all times to her that she married a male, and I'm okay with that, because it allows her to be able to give me what I do need.

If my wife were to spring wanting to crossdress as you describe, it would take me just as long to deal with that, so I do appreciate the effort that it has taken her to get to this point.

This isn't necessarily pointed at your comment Kimmie, it just happens that your comment made me think of it again. In fact I have spoken with others about this so I know I'm not the only one that feels this way, but sometimes it feels like there are those that think that people like me are somewhat less, because we are not TS. I've even had some try to tell me I'm not transgendered, which I won't even comment on.

TG is a spectrum and we are all sisters that should be supporting one another, to be what we need to be. I know that is how I feel about all of my sisters here, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum...

Hugs,

Kristy

I don't see much resemblance

laika's picture

...between Claire's pained exploration of her feelings, her fears and hopes, and that grotesque caricature of loutish behavior you painted, the whooping and cursing at a football game, Kimmie. I think that if a wife said the same things Clair did in regards to some integral part of her feeling like a male, any husband with even a shred of compassion would be able to find it in himself to at least tell that person that yes, they have a right to exist, that they're not a freak or something too disgusting to contemplate. Note the part of Claire's confession that says "Sometimes I want to die." I think anyone in that much pain deserves a hug. No one is so loathesome as to be denied that (especially someone you've professed to love) unless they've done something awful, something besides being who they are inside...
~~~Laika

(Oh, and I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, or claiming you don't have compassion. I know you do. These are just feelings about Drea's story, and what I hope Jeannie will eventually be able to do...)

Nude Society...

...well Kimmie...there's always mascara, eye shadow, and, of course, lipstick. :)

The Lil' Irish Brat

Hopefully Admin won't unpub this.

Very briefly, we are all sisters and need to take care of each other. All our experiences are different and the same simultaniously. I knew something was woefully wrong at 4. I don't think that any two shrinks in the world would agree about what happened to me. I loved being a girl when I was little; got a taste of it, and "I LIKED IT"! For almost all of the rest of my life, I just tried to survive in a role that I hated in a world that I hated even more. I tried to do all the moral and upright things. At one point, I actually did believe that God would heal me of my desire to be a woman. Well, as many of you can confirm, it don't work that way. I was not broken.

My life's desire was to have the loving family that I did not have growing up and I worked with all my heart and soul to get it. Some would theorize that I put them ahead of all else including God, and I will freely admit that I did. Some would say that because I put them ahead of God, he took them from me and believe you me, they are GONE! Some would say ... Heah, right. If they actually knew then they'd be God.

5 years later, I am full on, post op, living as a woman, and enjoying it. Would there have been other ways I would have liked to live out my life? You bet! I stand in awe of the sacrifice of those who can put down those needs and stay with their families.

There are a million different factors that go into whether on is what flavor of T person. At one point before my transition, I would say that I was struggling with internet sexual addiction, and that drove me to try to find a way to forcibly stop it. I was going to secretly have my testicles removed and stay with my family. There was little or no sexual intimacy between my wife and I. I'd been impotent for 15 years, and the Viagra threatened to take my head off.

It is amazing what a little tongue and humming can do in leu of a working penis. None of it worked, fate or God interviened and it was over. So now I went from a tiny boy, to a toddler girl, to a resisting adolesent boy, to super macho, to aging warrior, and then thrust into womanhood before I really knew what happened. I love my life. My back is turned to a failed life, and I'll be damned if I will sit and moan about it any longer. By the grace of God, or the Mushroom fiery, depending upon how you see it. I will do my best from here on out.

The point is, we are all in the same dambed boat. Who can say who made the best decision? I can't and won't try, but I will support anyone I can where ever they are along the continuum. For me the person I look up to is the one who stuck it out and did the best they could.

Gwen

Why would you think I would?

erin's picture

We unpub stuff when it is harmful to the site or insulting to someone.

Hugs,
Erin

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.

Well, I am feeling pretty crabby about certain types of stories

But I tried hard not to let my frustration spill over. I just feel that if I don't move on and have the very best life that I can, then the bastards wut done me wrong have won. Some of the folks here just seem to be swamped in life, and wallow along barely surviving, and it really pains me to watch them struggle. I know that being fixated on certain things is self destructive and will not ultimately help people have a better life. Revenge stories I can't handle. Anger and revenge thoughts destroyed my old life. It was my own fault. Like some others, I have been unloved, beaten half to death, gang raped, and rejected, but for me to sit and live the pain and sorrow for the rest of my life is just letting the bastards win. I don't know where it comes from but I will fight to have a happy life with my dying breath. Self healing is posible but it will not happen if we do not move forward.

Gwen

That you have survived all of that makes me thankful

Andrea Lena's picture

...not thankful for the trials you have endured..thankful instead in the face of all that, dear heart. My fondest respect and deepest wishes and prayers for you to enjoy this lovely day...Happy Thanksgiving from one survivor to another!

She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Jeannie Must Choose

But she is afraid too. Only by casting out fear can she truly choose.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

I know what you're saying Stan, but I feel I need to say this...

Andrea Lena's picture

...Like Kimmie said...not that I blame Jeannie. Even though Todd has legitimate and understandable reasons for having kept this a secret for so long, fourteen years of deceit stand in the middle of this relationship. Others have shared their secret at the outset of their marriages and relationships and after a period of adjustment, they are mostly okay. Todd has really been the fearful one, since he didn't trust his love for Jeannie...and more importantly, he didn't trust her love for him enough to be honest. Even under the best of intentions, actions have consequences. but I see your point as well. The two of them will have to set aside a lot of themselves; expectations, dreams, if they can ever make this relationship work. It might happen, but there are no guarantees either of them is willing to fight for this marriage. And thanks for reading and writing Stan, Happy Thanksgiving!

She was born for all the wrong reasons but grew up for all the right ones.
Possa Dio riccamente vi benedica, tutto il mio amore, Andrea

  

To be alive is to be vulnerable. Madeleine L'Engle
Love, Andrea Lena

Let S(he) who be...

...without fear...cast the first stone? Is it really that easy. Hmmm...

Mea

Crossdressers

ALISON

I commented earlier and was amazed to come back this morning and to find the ensuing comments and argument going on
about what is a beautiful story,although some people seem to have got a bit off the track.Having nothing better to do,I went
down to a local Supermarket and did a survey on the people coming
through the checkout.I counted 146 women and girls and 48 men and boys.
All the males were wearing shorts or long trousers and ordinary male type shirts.Of the females,138 were wearing slacks,shorts
or pants in one form or another.Of the remaining 8 females,2 wore
long skirts and blouses,2 wore summer dresses and the other 4 wore skirts and blouses.
So I pose you these questions :
(1)What is a crossdresser ?
(2)How can you tell ?
(3)Are you sure?

I don't care if you are CD,TG,TS,pre-op or post-op or whatever,
we are all sisters if we choose to be and just because you are
fortunate enough to have a man made appurtenance between your legs it does not allow you to look down on others within the
sisterhood as some persons tend to and I have seen my share of it in my 76 years as people of my vintage did not have the chance of SRS.The bottom line is this---If I wish to put on a frock and relax in the privacy of my domain,that is my business and nobody elses.Like Kristy,all I want to do is enjoy myself.
This comment is not aimed at anyone in particular but I would
encourage you to get some Viagra eye drops---put two drops in each eye in front of a mirror and then take a long ,hard look at yourself.Much love to you all,ALISON

ALISON

Fear of loss of love...

Ole Ulfson's picture

Is a terrible thing To face for every party in this story. No one has escaped unscathed. All are afraid and mistrustful. I hope they can soon find their love and faith and renew their faith in each other. If they don't; they're all lost souls.

Your writing is so real it hurts,

Ole

We are each exactly as God made us. God does not make mistakes!

Gender rights are the new civil rights!