Based on a Conversation Two: A Place For Us

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Based On a Conversation Two: A Place for Us

by

shalimar

Again an essay from the heart about what it is like to be transgendered.

In many respects I am a lucky woman. In the net I have a number of virtual sisters, daughters and nieces that I love and love me. I give them my love and feel their love in return. They are in the center of my heart and I hope others will join them. In this environment I am my alter ego, The Evil Witch.

But in other respects I am not that lucky. Hugging my net sister when she is fifteen hundred miles away is not the same as hugging her in real life. Talking to her on the net is not the same as just walking to her home and being with her. Rocking a thirty-year-old that needs to be my five-year-old daughter on the net is not the same as her crying and fighting sleep in my arms. I need to put her to bed with her stuffed dolls around her so she won’t feel alone and kiss her. I need to read her a Dr. Susse, watch her play on the swings, help her with a puzzle, or have her help me make some cookies. Of course she could lick the bowl.

There are other issues as well. It is the fact that even with HRT and SRS it is only the best that modern medicine can do. Even then I am still not genetically female. There is no way I will ever give birth, to know that child is MY baby. The view in the mirror is still too masculine. I don’t know if I could ever get rid of my beard or the rug that covers my body. I am too tall. My voice is too deep. The hair where I need it is missing.

I need to put makeup and look pretty, not like someone who is trying to pass, but as a normal woman. And there are times I think that if I try to pass I might get beat up by someone who believes he is a “real” man, or I might just be lucky enough just to get a snide remark. I need to be with women as a woman, not a freak. And if I need to go to the restroom in a public place it is with a sister or a girlfriend. I need to be with a man as his woman and know that he is or will be the father of my babies.

I feel that hurt and anger. It is because I was born with that genetic defect that said I should be playing with guns and trucks instead of dolls and jewelry. Part of me needed to rebel and wear that dress but part of me said not to hurt anyone else so be what I appear to be even though that genetic defect eventually changed me in ways that was different from what I would have liked my body to change.

I also feel the hurt and anger of others. Some of us constantly lash out way out of proportion to the situation. Some of us want to do violence because of our pain. Their pain is my pain. I feel my sisters’ pain because my daughter lashed out at her inappropriately.

And most of society won’t let us get the peace that HRT and SRS would give us. We didn’t choose this way. Our bodies did. And when we do try for that peace others will insist that we do what they say. They may even go to court to enforce it. In reality we need the outer peace as much as we need the inner peace.

But I will love and continue the be the woman I’m becoming and will continue to share myself with others and I will continue to pray for that miracle that will allow me to heal myself and others. As my “five-year-old” told me a few days ago the song, “Somewhere” from “West Side Story,” which prayed for the end of the stupid prejudices of that generation, is really a theme for us:

Somewhere there’s a place for us,

A time and a place for us,

Hold my hand and we’re half way there,

Hold my hand and I’ll take you there,

Someday,

Somehow,

Someway.

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Comments

Words from the heart

Huggles Momma Shelly

Thank you for opening your heart, and bearing your soul to the world. For those of us who are transgendered you've said the words that most of us know by heart and live with every day and we thank you for saying them. But...I think these words could have the greatest impact on those who are friends, family or spouses of those who are transgendered and struggling to understand what this tortured soul is feeling and why they need to do what they need to do. And then there's those who may wander in, not really knowing what's wrong, only knowing they are in pain, and not comfortable being a boy or a girl. If they read your words, they might find some part of themselves within those words. They may realize they aren't crazy or sick. They might see that they are not alone. They will know that there is no cure, but there is treatment, and hope for some peace and some happiness.

Well done Momma Shelly. Hugs and love Maggie da Kitten

Somehow, someway, someday......

Thank you

Thank you Shelley! Someday, Somehow, Someways, our dreams will come true.
hugs!
grover

YES! Thank you

Hugs, Fran

Hugs, Fran

Little Miss Pedantic here ...

Shelly,

I, too, appreciate your feelings, even though I'm not in the same boat as you and many others here.

FWIW, though, there was something about the lyrics you quoted that grated my mental "ear" - the metre was wrong. So I went back and tried to sing it and immediately figured out that there was an extra word added - and it didn't end "right" (okay, maybe right for you ...) West Side Story came out as a movie the year I started Jr. High. I almost had the words memorized. Here's the whole song:

"Somewhere"

There's a place for us,
Somewhere a place for us.
Peace and quiet and open air
Wait for us
Somewhere.

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to look, time to care,
Someday!
Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere.

There's a place for us,
A time and place for us.
Hold my hand and we're half way there.
Hold my hand and I'll take you there
Somehow,
Someday,
Somewhere!

Peace,
Deni

Miles away - close as a heartbeat

I've been thinking lots 'bout what you said here. In my own way, I can kinda understand how ya feel. Being in a body that don't feel right can be really frustrating. Sometimes I wanna yell, "Stop lookin' at my body and look at me!"

Sometimes I feel like I'd give anything if I could get picked up and held. But there's other times when I can let go of 'reality' for a little bit, and in my heart, I can feel those online hugs. Those are the times when the miles disappear and the people I love feel as close as a heartbeat.

Those are really special times.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Heather Rose Brown
Author of Bobby's Rainy Day Adventure

> Sometimes I feel like I'd

> Sometimes I feel like I'd give anything if I could get picked up and held.

And I've had times when I felt all alone, in a room full of people.

Sometimes, the best I can do is offer a hug or comforting words to someone I see who needs it, so that s/he doesn't go lacking.

Deni
- "... we change the world one person at a time."

You've said a lot for a lot of us, Sis

Your two essays have certainly put into 'printed' words, the feelings of so many of us. I'm happy and proud to be a member of your 'Evil Witch Family', and sorry we have only been able to meet face to face once, so far, at least.
HUGs from more than the fifteen hundred miles you mentioned.

Holly, Logan or Hart

One of the most difficult things to give away is kindness.
It usually comes back to you.

Holly