The Squad Chapter 13

Printer-friendly version

cheerleader_0.jpg

The Squad: Chapter 13


by
Leila

I’m scared to walk home alone. After the events of today, I don’t want to be alone. I reach the gate that exits the school grounds, and I eye it nervously. Come on Aaron. You’ve done this before. It’s just a walk home. I don’t know why I’m so apprehensive about walking home alone. I’m not used to being this paranoid. What did I think would happen to me? I look down at my skirt. My legs bare to the no-show socks. My heart is pounding. My stomach is in knots.

I was supposed to walk home with Ellie. I wish I hadn't made her so mad at me. I’m figuratively kicking myself for doing so.

The open gate seems to taunt me. ‘A man would have no problems walking home alone. You’re not one are you?’

I shake my head trying to steel myself. Was I starting to think of myself as a girl? Monica’s words haunt me. ‘You don’t honestly see her as a boy do you? Do any of you?’ I wasn’t a man, at least I wasn’t thinking like one.

“Hey!” A voice from behind me. He startles me.

I let out a high pitched yelp. Embarrassed, I bring my hands to cup my mouth.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

My heartbeat is racing. I turn and freeze.

“Are you alright? I’m Marcus by the way.” he grins, sending me retreating a step or two.

“Hey, I didn't mean to scare you. You’re that new cheerleader, right? Erin? Do I have that right?”

My name sounds different when he says it. “Um yes, that’s right,” I reply, rather nervously.

“Are you waiting for some friends of yours?”

“Yes, I think the other members of the squad should be heading home. I was going to join them.”

“Actually, Allison told me they were going to practice in McKinley Park this afternoon. Shouldn’t you be headed there yourself?”

“I…”

“Look, Allison is my girlfriend, if you’re worried about me. Here.” Marcus pulls out his cell phone and hands it to me. The lock screen has a photo of him and her together in the display. Aww. They make a cute couple. “See? I love that picture of us. It was at the Labor Day carnival a few weeks back.” A message on his phone comes up:

Ally: Hey babe, can you pick up a few bottles of water for us?

“Um, I think you have a text.” I hand Marcus back the phone.

He texts back a reply. Marcus shoves the phone in his pocket and turns to me. “Hey, if you are headed to the park, I can walk with you; I mean if you’re worried about walking there alone.”

An escort would be nice. Plus it gives me a chance to speak with Ellie. Perhaps the girls have calmed her down. I accept the offer. I probably wouldn’t have had it not been for Allison’s text message.

“So how did you end up as a cheerleader in your freshman year?”

“How did you know I was a freshman?”

“Aside from the fact that you wear almost no makeup for a cheerleader, and look like your 12?”

“I’m thirteen, I’ll be fourteen in a month.”

“Fair enough. None of the girls were cheerleaders in freshman year, at least none that I’ve heard of. You must really be talented.”

“My sister Amber is on the squad. Well, at least she was before she got hurt.”

“I heard that too. I’ve got to say, you must have been really jealous to pull that prank on your own sister. I didn’t know girls would do that to each other.”

“I was stupid. I’m paying for it now.”

“Oh jeez, it must be real hell being a pretty girl on the cheerleading squad, huh? Yeah, you’re really paying for it…” his words drip with sarcasm. He flashes me a smile. “At least you’re over that tomboy phase.”

I thought of breaking the news to him that I wasn’t a girl. I wasn’t sure how he’d take the news that I was really a boy. “It’s hard work being on the squad. And it’s not like I had a choice. Amber would have lost her spot on the squad if I didn’t join.”

“Cry me a river, princess. I’ve seen you at practice. You loved being on the squad.” He says with almost a chortle. “Come on, Ally and the squad are waiting.”

We stop by a convenience store to pick up some bottles of water. I don’t have any money, but Marcus kindly offers me a bottle of water. Just as he’s about to hand it to me, he pulls it away, he twists the cap off with his thumb and index finger while holding the bottle with his palm and three remaining fingers. His other hand was holding the bag filled with bottles of water. I’m impressed. He hands the bottle back to me. He murmurs a “Sorry.”

Having Marcus there to walk me to the park calmed me, much like Ellie did on the way to school. Marcus said very little after leaving the convenience store. He occasionally brought his own bottle of water to his lips to gulp down a mouthful.


We approached the park. I could see the girls in their uniforms. Six of them were in formation. Ellie sits at one of the park benches watching the squad run through their routine. It struck me as odd that she wouldn’t be part of the formation. It was then that I remembered she was made an ‘alternate’ since the squad was officially reduced to six. When Amber was removed from the squad, Ellie was made an alternate. That must be why she was so mad about the prank. She was upset at being made an alternate. Being sidelined meant she wouldn’t be able to perform with the girls. She would be relegated to watching the squad. She must have felt like an outcast. Her reason for being mad at me came into focus. My heart sank.

“Oh good, you made it.” Monica smiles at me. “I’m glad you came, we’re practicing the routine. When Amber was officially taken off the squad we had to re-choreograph it for six. So you and Ellie don’t really need to do anything but watch.” My eyes drift towards Ellie. Her sad expression sours further. At least she hasn’t turned the squad against me.

Allison smiles and runs over to Marcus giving him a kiss. “You are a life saver.” She grabs a bottle of water from the plastic bag, and the rest of the girls approached us leaving Ellie behind to smolder.

I walk over towards Ellie. Her stare could burn through steel. The girls are drinking and chatting, trying to relax.

“Ellie, I’m sorry I didn’t realize…” I start, “But, you have to believe me,” I murmur. “I didn’t mean for all this to happen when I pulled the prank. You’re like a sister to me. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

She looks at me, her eyes cold and hurt. “And we know how well you treat your own sister, don’t we.” She walks past me to join the rest of the squad. It feels like a knife was plunged into my heart. I have my back to the squad. It hides the tears I’m now shedding. I lower my head and walk away from the squad. I’m in a daze.

Why did I come here? What was I expecting? I take off running as fast as I can, trying to outrun the pain. It stalks me. I slow as I pass the community center. There’s nobody in the office. The doors are closed. I round the corner of the building. My heart still aching from Ellie’s allusion to Amber, her fall, and my prank. I rest my back against the red brick wall. It's the only thing holding me upright. My fingers trace the crease between bricks behind me, the flood of tears pours out of me as my anguish pulls me to the ground.

My fit of sobbing subsides. I stare through bloodshot eyes at the playground in the distance. The breeze picks up, rustling the trees as the leaves fall. I hear the scrape of fallen leaves on the concrete of the playground. Ellie hurt me. It was more than I thought possible. The wind sends the swings in motion. They pendulum in the distance. I thought back on the first day I met the squad here at McKinley Park. That first encounter with Lisa and Cindy. The note that Monica left at my door. How I sat on the swing trying to contemplate the loneliness of my life. At that point, the note seemed to be my lifeline. A connection? What did I have left? The swings beckon me.

As I push myself up off the ground, I lethargically approach the swings and have a seat on one of them. I was hoping that somehow, it would cheer me up. I swing lazily back and forth as my shoes burrow into the sand. I kick up some sand with my feet and watch it rain back down. I rest my head on the cold, rusted chain on the swing. I feel my finger run over the links up and down as I look around. I feel my chest tighten. I’m alone again. I hated being alone. Taylor’s gone, my sister won’t talk to me, my parents ignore me, Ellie hates me, and I hate me. What’s left? Ellie was my last chance to salvage what little I had in the way of true friends. There was nobody left. There’s nobody here. Nobody cares. Nobody to stop me. I look up at the long chain suspended by the cross arm. I stand and wrap the chain around my hand and pull.

I pull the swing with me as I approach the adjacent swing. I only need the chain. I’m not even sure that it’s me doing this, my head clouded with despair. I stand on the saddle of the swing, balancing myself on it. I feel the cold chain of the free swing wrap around me like a scarf. Once, Twice, Thrice… All I need is for my feet to give way. My tennis shoe slides off the plastic rubber seat. I feel the chain tighten around my neck. I gasp for air but to no avail. My vision fades. I feel myself slowly suffocate, everything slowly goes dark.

I hear the faint sound of birds in the distance and the wind through the trees. I’m not expecting anyone to come looking for me. Why should they?


Darkness. I feel like I’m supine, being pulled upward as If levitating. I’m dead, I know it There is nothing touching me. Like I’m held in midair. I’m falling.

I hear crying. I shouldn’t hear anything, should I? I hear it. It’s faint, but it’s still there.

Silence.


I still see nothing.

“How could she? Was it so bad?” The voices are all around me.

“Didn’t she try to talk to someone?” a voice to my left.

“Anybody knows why?” a different voice to my right.

Silence.


A voice in the darkness… “Hey, here goes nothing.” Taylor?

I pick my head up. My vision comes into focus. I'm laying on the grass. “What happened?”

“What do you mean, ‘What happened?’ Nothing happened.” Taylor’s voice reverbs next to me. My head jerks towards him. He’s laying on the grass with his hands crossed behind his head.

“How did I get off the swing? Why am I not dead.” I’m trying to find my bearings.

“The swing? Dead? Erin, what are you talking about?”

“I… I was on the swing. At the park? You… YOU were expelled.”

“I was expelled for you being on the swing?”

“No, for pulling me into the men’s room.”

“Why would I pull you into the men’s room? The women’s would be cleaner…” his brows raise and lower rapidly.

“Cleaner? for what?”

“Never-mind that, you said ‘I was expelled?’ That must have sucked.”

“Yes, Dr. Corning expelled you for pulling me into the men’s room. They thought you assaulted me.”

“Erin, why would anyone think that I assaulted you?”

“Because you grabbed me.” I reach for my wrist to caress it. “Then, you pulled me into the restroom to ask me why I was wearing the cheerleader uniform.”

“You? A cheerleader? Like, ‘Rah-Rah, go, fight, win?’ kind of cheerleader?” He mockingly punches his fist in the air.

I glare at him.

“Sorry, it’s hard to imagine you as a cheerleader. You were never exactly the school spirit type of girl.”

“I’m not a girl”

“You could have fooled me. You kiss like one.”

“Gross! What’s the matter with you?”

“Gross? What’s gotten into you.” He picks his head off the grass, eyeing me curiously.

“Me? Why would you even joke about kissing me?”

“Joke? Who’s joking.” He leans into me and I pull back.

“What are you doing?”

“I was trying to kiss my girlfriend. Hey, are we having a fight? Did I do something wrong?”

I look into his eyes and feel my heart flutter. “No… What was I saying?”

He moves in towards me and I close my eyes. Everything goes dark.

Silence.


I feel myself rise again, I can’t move. Coldness washes over me. It fills me and fades.

I hear more crying.

“I’m so sorry baby, I didn’t know. I should have been paying attention. We saw the note in your backpack. We didn’t know you were unhappy being a boy. Come back to us my darling girl.”

Mom? Is that you? Mom? The note? Dr. Corning’s note? NO! I try to speak the words, I should be talking, but no air pushes through my lungs. My larynx is still. No air passes out of my mouth.

Silence.


“Please, come back to us. I love you.”

Amber? her voice is tired.

Silence.


A flash of light.

“It’s been a month already. There’s still brain activity. We don’t know when or if she will wake. These things take time.” I’m not sure who is saying that, but I’m convinced that I didn’t succeed in taking my own life. I don’t know whether I should be sad or relieved?

Silence.


I’m bit disoriented. I’m sitting up. I think I’m on top of a bed. I feel a tug on my hair. I open my eyes. “Honestly, Erin. You really should take better care of your hair. It’s all knotted up back here.”

“Mom?”

“Yes, honey. Hold still. This mat of hair you’ve got here is tough to straighten out.” I feel another tug on my hair.

I’m sitting on a bed in a room that is completely unfamiliar to me. The room is definitely feminine, but it’s not Amber’s. “What happened? Wasn’t I in the hospital or something?”

“Erin, honey you’ve been here with me this whole time. What are you talking about young lady?”

“Young lady? I’m not a girl. Mom.”

“Not a girl? Erin sweetheart, where would you come up with such foolishness?

“I was born a boy. why are you treating me like a girl?”

“You a boy? You were never anything but my precious baby girl. Now sit still, if I don’t get these knots out of your hair we won’t be able to do a thing with it.”

My vision starts to fade I close my eyes and try to relax.

I feel myself being pulled upward again. I feel a chill radiate through me. I don’t feel like I have control over my body. I can’t move my arms or legs even though I know they should be as I try to flail them. I start falling, the speed of my descent more rapid with each second. It feels like an eternity. I’m slowing, but nothing breaks my fall.

Silence.


I see more flashes of light randomly placed. It pierces the darkness, but there's no sound. It feels like I’m in a pool, floating to the surface.

“I’m so sorry, please come back to us. We miss you. I miss you.”

Ellie? Ellie please forgive me. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. I’m so sorry.

Silence.


I smell roses.

“Are you still in there? Sorry, I haven’t visited for a while. School has been hectic. People are still asking how my sister is doing. I’m still getting used to that. Please hear me. I love you.”

Amber, I love you too.

Silence.


It feels like I’m swallowing, but nothing moves in or out of my throat.

“Mom and Dad say that I have to face the fact that you may not be coming back to us.”

Amber? Have you been crying?

“I know you could hear me. Just like I heard you. You said ‘I need you.’ Please come back to us. I need my sister too. Please come back to us. I love you so much.”

Sister? Did Amber just call me her sister?

I feel something grasp my hand. I feel a squeeze. I feel myself squeeze back.

“She squeezed my hand! She squeezed my hand! Dad!”

“She’s not moving, maybe it was involuntary?” It sounds like dad.

“No. You've got to believe me. She squeezed my hand!”

“Amber, honey you’ve got to calm down.” Mom chimes in from across the room.

“I’m not going to calm down! I’m telling you she squeezed my hand!”

“Sis, please for me, squeeze, one more time!” Amber pleads with me. I sense the desperation in her voice. “Please, I didn't imagine it. You have to believe me.”

“Sorry. I don’t feel anything. Are you sure?” another voice I’m not familiar with.

I’m trying to squeeze. Nothing is happening.

“Sis, please squeeze for me. Please, I miss you so much.” Amber pleads. “You can hear me, I know it. Please, show us you hear me!”

“Honey, you’ve been here all day, perhaps you should get some rest.” I think that was Mom again.

“No, I know what I felt!” Amber’s voice grows more desperate, “I know she can hear me. I’m not leaving.” She’s begging me, "I know it’s been hard and I know you may not want to be with us. But, I love you so much. Please show us you can hear us. Please!”

Squeeze, I have to squeeze…

up
386 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

Sad Girl

I know what this is like. I hope she fights back to the surface.

Gwen

God dang the suspense. It

God dang the suspense. It makes me want to read more and wish these chapters were so much longer. lol

Never be afraid to push yourself to new limits. While you might not see the path, you will be amazed at what you can achieve.

It sounds like everyone there

It sounds like everyone there is just now realizing just how much they hurt him and isolated him. It's sad that an attempt on your life does that to people but nobody seemed to even care about him, except the good therapist.

I'm told STFU more times in a day than most people get told in a lifetime

Wonder ....

... how Ellie and the rest of the squad will feel after this turn of events, not to mention the rest of the school and it's staff. Aaron/Erin's parents must be literally heart broken with this latest event. Hope things will get better soon for Aaron and he can get some semblance of normal back into his life. Hope that next chapter has Aaron's problems starting to be resolved, and it comes along soon.

I really hope that Erin does

I really hope that Erin does come out of her coma. She may have truly hurt herself on the swings. This is where the Blue light that Cathy Cameron has could definitely come and help. Hoping that Amber will be able to 'lead her out of the darkness' by having Erin listen to her voice and following it to the light.

Suicide

is what was Aaron was heading towards. What was described, but not out and out said was that the chain crushed Aaron's larynx (voicebox) His voice will now be raspy, high, and maybe unaffected by puberty if he decides to stay male. Go back and reread this chapter if you doubt me :)

So, there is all kinds of possibilities now open for our authoress to drive Aaron down towards.

Sephrena

Really didn't expect that!

D. Eden's picture

The suicide attempt wasn't really a surprise.......

But the hospital an the visits by her family, especially Amber, and by Ellie were unexpected.

Can't wait to see more!

D.

D. Eden

Dum Vivimus, Vivamus

Vivid

Erin really has some vivid hallucinations. Mine were never all that great. :-(


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

life lesson

lamentably, we learn: it is so easy to ignore/hurt someone. Seeking forgiveness is not always within our control.

never tried or even gave serious...

My5InchFMHeels's picture

Never tried or given any serious consideration to suicide, though I'm sure we've all wondered how much more we could handle. Hopefully Aaron/Erin will be more forgiving to those that ask for it knowing that's probably a driving factor for reaching such a state

Too much

Why didn't anyone follow her when she suddenly ran off? Monica's remarks made it clear Aaron and Ellie were both welcome, and implied they may be asked to participate later on in the practice set.
Let's hope this story twist is not going to lead to a hasty end to the story.
Yours,
rg

Are We Expected to Think...

...that any of those scenes after the suicide attempt represent real events? They may tell us a lot about Aaron's subconscious wishes and his hopes that someone cares about his actions, but all of them appear to me to be wishful thinking of some sort -- if only the wish that his family would be there if he were comatose at the hospital, the way they were for Amber. (The scenario there seems too suspiciously similar to Amber's for me to think that it's real.)

That's assuming that any of this chapter is real in story terms. It's possible that everything from the taunt by the school gate onward doesn't represent real events, and possibly even more likelihood that the last real event here was his collapse at the wall of the rec center. (That said, hearing birds and wind after asphyxiating during the "real" section of the suicide attempt -- before the line-breaks -- suggests that it happened and he was dimly aware he'd survived.)

Comparing story-reality to realistic story-fantasy without any clues isn't a very rewarding exercise. I'd like to think there are clues here that I'm missing.

Eric

OTOH (rephrased)

This could be like "An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge". If it is then our authoress is a cruel, cruel person!

About that note. I went back and reread the previous chapter and I don't see a mention of any note. So what did Corning have to say? I certainly have to say that one day's events is not a trend. Arron's reactions certainly warrant a better look into how Arron or Erin feels.

Okay, I found the note in Ch. 11. But that was a note to the teachers, certainly not anything the parents can draw any conclusions from. "What we gave here is a failure to communicate."

Did notice that Taylor's parents are not on the same page. Mr. Brown is all 'it would be best if you didn't associate with Taylor' where Mrs. Brown is 'you are welcome in our home anytime. All through this story people are sending Arron very mixed messages, its no wonder he feels isolated and unwelcome.


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

The note is in Chap 11

Honest with myself? Issues? What would I have to ‘work through?’ A lifetime of pain? Her reaction and her words unnerve me. I thought she was going to call my parents and send me home. This seems worse.

She scribbles a note. “I want you to show this note to each of your teachers before each class. You will not disrupt the classes in any way, am I clear?” She hands me the note, open. I nod my head and accept the note.


 
Sephrena


 
Punishment Time! :o

author

When I asked the author my question, I had no idea you wrote this.


"Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.”
George Carlin

An Occurance at Owl Creek Bridge

Almost... We all have our resident 'ghost of Big Closet stories past' to thank for showing this 'cruel, cruel authoress', the error of her ways. :)

Hugs!
Leila

Now, everybody thank Sephrena!

A lot of players at fault

Jamie Lee's picture

Ellie wanted to loan Arron a pair of white pants so he would be wearing the cheer leading colors.

But Lisa had other ideas, ideas Ellie went along with, even Beth went along with. Yes, Arron didn't throw a fit at what they had done, but remember, he was on the squad as punishment and was told to do what he was told.

No one bothered to speak with Dr. Corning to let her know how Arron would be dressed and why. Dr. Corning started the ball rolling that gave all of Arron's teacher he was presenting as a girl. It didn't help that other students felt Arron had finally "come out of the closet," even though Arron had no idea what they were talking about.

That is until lunch, when Monica started telling the other girls how pretty Arron was as a girl. How Arron really looked like Erin. How Erin and Ellie could be twins.

This declaration by Monica was the trigger which caused Arron to start heading over the edge. To start asking questions, to being more confused than ever.

Add to all of this that Amber stopped talking to him, an uninformed Taylor thing he was pulling his friend boy Arron into the boys restroom, and Ellie suddenly realizing she could have been the one hurt and walking out, and in Arron's mind he had only one way out. So he tried that path.

The minute Arron pulled the trigger on that air horn, causing the girls to lose focus and not catch Amber, he should have been marched to the office and given over to Dr. Corning. And if she wasn't there, than it should have been the first thing done in the morning.

Arron's parents should have been contacted as they were, but punishment should have been in the hands of Dr. Corning. Had the punishment been handled from top down, instead of bottom up, Arron may not have been inclined to think the only way to stop the pain he felt was suicide.

It took a moment to realize the last part of this chapter were about what Arron was experiencing while in the coma. Even in the coma, he's still trying to come to grips with his gender. He's also just aware to believe he hears Amber pleading for him to come back, that she loves him.

In a previous I mentioned the root cause of how Arron was feeling was due to his sister being hurt because of what he did. That was wrong, now that it's been revealed why the pranks started.

His root cause is the bulling he and Taylor experienced in elementary or middle school, or both. They developed a defense mechanism which became a behavior modification which only Taylor realized needed to stop.

Had both boys not had the need to distract bullies, had the school(s) stopped the bulling, Arron would not have wanted to pull the one last prank which injured Amber. And which put Arron in the hospital after trying to commit suicide.

Others have feelings too.

When I worked for the City Police in Fort Myers, FL

we had a female Officer who was 6' tall, and proportional in her dimensions. Due to this she always felt ostracized by the other girls while she was growing up. It was mostly basketball or football players who were asking her out and they only wanted one thing from her. When she finally gave in she was mocked and called very cruel things. She pulled herself up, and eventually became a Cop. But the pain never left her. She got involved with the only Cop on the force, who asked her out. Most of the rest already were involved with their own wives or girlfriends. He also was married but spun her the usual tail, my wife and I do not get along, she doesn't understand me, we're getting a divorce and I need a real woman who can understand me. One Christmas he told her he had a special present for her. That it would make her very happy. She thought it was a ring. It was a stereo system. She called the Captain of her shift up slurring her words cursing all men, and then dropped the phone. He immediately sent Officers over to check on her. Her door was open and her car was gone. They found her body in the woods miles away the next day. She had driven deep into the woods, got a blanket out, wrapped herself in it, and ate the barrel of her .357 magnum. She had been a good Officer, a lovely young woman, and a good friend to everyone who knew her. The whole story came out in bits and pieces later on. None of us saw the pain she was in. She masked it too well. The Captain blamed himself and took an early retirement the next year. The Officer she had been involved with got the message he was no longer welcome at FMPD and he left the state. The rest of us live with the memory of our failure every day since. She died, alone, in the cold dark woods, in late December in the early 1980's. This part tore me a new one. I don't think I will sleep tonight, I don't need more nightmares.

I am a Proud mostly Native American woman. I am bi-polar. I am married, and mother to three boys. I hope we can be friends.

Tragic...

It's sad to hear of recounts such as these. I sorry to hear of the anguish that her death left behind.

Hugs,
Leila

Oh this is such a good story

I'm going to have to buy another box of tissues
The suspense is going to drive me crazy (or is that crazier)
Thanks Leila. Great chapter

Eek! Say it isn't so!

Aaron wouldn't do such a thing, would he ? Are we sure it's not some sort of "Dream" sequence or something? Leila dear, hurry back with more please ! Loving Hugs Talia