Stupid Bathroom Bill

Printer-friendly version
Inspired by Bru's "Cheerleader Material?" and Laika's "AFTER THE BIG GAME"

Stupid stupid bathroom bill!!

So our team is traveling back on the bus from our big HS football away game; dirty, tired and beat up without half our roster. And we didn’t even get onto the field.

"WHY?" you ask! I’ll tell you why.

It’s common knowledge a visiting team uses the opposite gender's locker room for away games. Did the stupid state government take that into account with their stupid bathroom bill?!

NOT!

Our school administration thought they had us covered by issuing the football team, except Suzy which I'll get to later, a new school ID with 'FEMALE' stamped on it. No lie, that freaked out a lot of the players.

Duke and Spike were happy though because it helped get them into the teen clubs for free on ladies night when they were en femme.

We arrived at the opposing team’s school, got off the bus and headed for the women’s locker room, but were met by the 'Bathroom Gender Certification Committee'. They had notarized certificates deputizing them for bathroom gender duty from the local judge who was the janitor at the town church. (Who'd a thunk it?) They even wore badges with a circle and slash through a women’s bathroom symbol. One person was wearing a badge that seemed to have written on it, 'Member of the KKK, and I approve this message'. The other committee members were calling him an idiot, and told him to put the badge away because it was supposed to be used for tomorrow's rally.

After we got our laughing under control, we showed our IDs to the dis-believing mob, er… committee.

They started telling us we were going to hell and worse, but we were able to ignore them until Suzy our PAT and FG kicker tried to go into the locker room with us. The girl is a cutie, and our school administration didn’t think they had to issue her a new ID to go into the woman's locker room because she is a genuine girl.

Our regular school IDs don’t even have MALE or FEMALE on them. Why would they? Fox TV's "Ally McBeal," was featuring "unisex" bathrooms over 20 years ago, (Really? Yes!) and no one seemed to be bothered.

Anyway, the stupid mob, er… committee, started hassling her because her school ID didn’t have a FEMALE stamp. She tried to get her driver's license out of her purse, but she was on her period and it was so full of tampons she was having trouble locating it.

I mean, we normally don't mind a little blood on our uniforms, but menstrual blood? ICK. I think a few of our guys would have fainted seeing that.

Then one of the morons, er… committee members, that must have been half blind, got impatient and tried to rip the front of her jersey to prove she was a guy using padding for breasts.

Luckily a kicker doesn’t need to wear a tear away jersey, so Suzy slapped him instead of kicking his nuts up to his tonsils.

Then four other lunatics, er… committee members, tried to jump her, but half the front offensive line moved in front of Suzy to protect her like they do when she is kicking. I saw some of the best forearm shivers of the season.

The shocked idiots, er… committee members, stared at their five members rolling around on the ground.

At the same time we heard whistles, and buses started disgorging angry protestors with signs that read, “Save The Children,” “Deuteronomy 22:5 Rules,” and “People with Penises Use the Men’s Room.”

We responded by saying:

“We are 'The Children'! Save us instead of a stupid cliché!", "We’re dressed like any other football player!", and "The visiting teams always use the women’s locker rooms!”

They couldn’t hear us because the insane, er… protestors, were shouting so loudly that the cheering section was taking notes.

There was a stand off until the looney, er… protestors, started using their picket signs to pummel our players. Since we were wearing our pads and had our helmets with us, we put them on and tried to keep together to protect ourselves.

We slowly worked our way back to our bus and didn’t lose anyone.

There were broken sticks, signs and groggy, er… protestors, littering the ground all the way back to the bus.

A few of their fallen had bruises from our forearms. A few had spike marks from our team trying to work our way back to the bus, but the majority had been trampled by the mob, er… protestors, that were trying to get to us. Honest, wink, wink.

The bus doors were closed when we were all inside. We had bruises, and tears in our uniforms, but our pads and helmets protected us from the worst considering that sticks were used to beat on us.

We waited in the bus while the batty, er… protestors, were taking out their anger out on it.

The bus driver wasn’t able to get though the crazed crowd, so an overly excited Clem, our third string center, said he could drive us to safety. Jim, the right end, asked him how much experience he had. He said he often drove his minibike in his back yard.

Jim held Clem down until the police finally came and cleared the crowd.

Of course there were many versions of the event depending on who told the tale.

The rumor that was the strangest held that our team was sent by the devil to hide in the woman’s lockers until the next school day and then have an orgy with the schoolgirls from gym class. Whether it was heterosexual or homosexual sex, they weren’t exactly sure due to our IDs. Don’t know how that would have worked since the lockers were only two feet tall and wouldn't have held a child in kindergarten much less a teenager. You can guess which group came up with that story.

Since the police were local, they decided not to get the community mad at them. They took half of our team and the coaches down to the station to take their statements.

The protestors names were taken and told to come to the police station within an hour. The fallen crazy, er... protestors were taken to the local hospital to get checked out for injuries.

The other half of the team, including myself, took off for home on the bus. Everyone had been texting their families from the poor battered bus about what happened, and where and when to pick us up.

We learned that there were many videos showing our teammates were only protecting ourselves from the local, er… aggressors. Everyone that was taken to give a statement was released without charge, and a second school bus picked them up at the police station.

The local news was broadcasting that the police chief reported an out of state motorcycle gang decided to start a riot at one of the district football games. Fake news is a real thing I guess, but the media only reported what they were told.

I’m not sure how the next away game is going to be handled by the school administration. The female IDs didn’t seem to work that well. Wrestling and basketball season is coming up too. Oh joy.

Except now that it’s known the football team has female IDs, my girlfriend, sister, and mother all want to take me to the mall to shop for girl's clothes. Not sure how that’s going to work out either. I’ll let you know.

up
207 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

Ah Legistlature in session

when no ones life liberty or happiness is safe. An old quote I borrowed for the occasion.

Bru and her stories?

BarbieLee's picture

The tales Bru spins are evil. They warp the minds of the innocent. I know this for a fact as Faries and Such was spun off from one of Bru's tails..., tales.

Wendy, you're a heck of a writer to spin this story out in the time frame you worked in. It even held together and flowed smoothly from beginning to end. Another nice surprise. I liked it and it is great satire about how stupid politicians can get when they pass laws involving people's private lives. Toss in the religious fanatics and the redneck bigots and it blends into a sad tale of woe of how our society has progressed.
Yep..., SATIRE and a good one at that.
hugs girl
always
Barb

Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl

Lizards

Help! Earworm attack. “Pass another stupid bathroom bill” to the tune of Stupid Texas Song by the Austin Lounge Lizards.

Cute story but I so wish you’d used a different title!

Bathroom Blitz!

laika's picture

Sweet little satire, and only a slight exaggeration of this strange
hysteria about who goes into what bathroom and the evil things
they plan on doing when they get in there. Rape and molestation
are serious matters but their solutions are ass backwards and ineffective
and punish all the wrong people, which I'm convinced is their true agenda;
all wrapped up in fake piety and fake concern...
~hugs, and welcome to our talented new author! Veronica
.

And speaking of earworms (and Sweet):

Are you ready Clem?
Uh huh!
Jimmy?
Yeah!
Spike?
Okay!
All right team, let's go!!!

Oh, it's been getting so hard
Livin' with the things they do to us
this world is getting so strange
I'd like to tell you everything I saw:

Oh, I see a man with a sign quoting Leviticus 9
His eyes are red as the sun
And a lady from out of state who showed up to agitate
'Cause she thinks she is God's spokesperson...

Oh yeah, it was like lightning!
Everybody was fighting!
And the screams were so raucous
When they tried to block us!

And the man at the back yelled: "Everyone attack!"
And it turned into a bathroom Blitz
And the girl who was our kicker said: "You gotta let us enter
or It'll turn into a Bathroom Blitz-”
Bathroom Blitz!
Bathroom Blitz!
Bathroom Blitz!
Bathroom Blitz!

the original:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ewFBuYHldeY

Obviously,

The Janitorial Staff must be of the appropriate sex. Men for the Male Bathroom and Genetic Females for the Women side of things.
No?
Oh dear, the argument suddenly falls flat on its face and its absurdity is there for all to see.

Nice story and highlights just some of the problems that we sometimes inflict on ourselves.

As the evening sun highlights the white of the Ferry coming into Craignure (Mull) from Oban, I really don't feel like coming back into the madhouse that is the 'real' world. These people really need to get out from up their own jaxi.

Samantha

It was funny the first time

I dislike idiocy from people who claim to know more than you and base it on proven falsehoods and intentional misinterpretations...it continues to be funny yet sad at the same time.

Knowing from personal experience, somehow I doubt very much their anger and trying to block the team from playing had anything to do with bathroom usage. Places like that take their sports seriously, it's more like an attempt to keep their team from losing and used dumb people to get what they wanted! Thankfully it backfired on the other school.

I'm told STFU more times in a day than most people get told in a lifetime

Stupid law, or cunning interpretation?

What we weren't told was how strong was the rivalry of this match, and what the usual result was.

If the home team had a track record of losing this fixture, then could the whole debacle have been contrived to prevent a sound thrashing on the pitch and in addition, causing the away side to lose points for not playing the match (if that is how things work)?

LOL

Okay, not to kill the gag, but in the real world, wouldn't they just cover the Girl's Locker Room sign with a "Visitors" one for the game?

Of course, the demented fictional universe of the story is getting closer and closer to our actual one (or vice-versa) by the day, isn't it?

Thanks everyone

for the comments and the kudos. I really appreciate it.

Wendy K

Good start, Wendy.

Keep writing, I'm sure we'll be happy to read any new stories you create. Thanks for this one.

Congrats

Camospam's picture

Nicely done Wendy, knew you could write.

No matter how you try to hide it, it's still spam
Thx, Camo

Fun re-read and reminded me of funny real life situation

The first weeks of basic army training we had to pass the regiment's gate in uniform when we went into town. That rule was changed after little old ladies on the local bus complained that the soldiers changed clothes at the bus stop.

So...

Daphne Xu's picture

So you were then required to wear your uniform at all times in town?

-- Daphne Xu

-- Try saying freefloating three times rapidly.

Surprisingly, they were smarter than that

We were allowed to leave the military area in civilian clothes after that.

The decision was taken at colonel level. Having dealt with officers quite extensively in work later I've noticed that while stupidity is rife (but by no means all-encompassing) at lieutenant and captain level (and corresponding in navy) above that it's not too bad.

Tripping Themselves

Daphne Xu's picture

It would really be nice to see a state with such a bathroom law trip up its sports programs with such traditions. I'm not quite so optimistic. Many lawyer-drafters of the bill might catch the issue. "It is a defense to prosecution if ..."

-- Daphne Xu

-- Try saying freefloating three times rapidly.