Weeping Willow - Part 5

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Weeping Willow
Part 5

Damn Breaks

by **Sigh**
Copyright© 2019 plaintivesigh
All Rights Reserved.

He really, really loves you. As Willow, or as Bill; doesn’t matter. Now, LIKE? I think he LIKES Willow better, and I do too. Sorry, Bill, if you’re in there somewhere,” she smiled as she poked her daughter on the noggin. “But we LOVE you just as much, no matter which one you are.”


~o~O~o~

The main evidence of hormonal treatment in the first week was nausea, vomiting and hot flushes. They all began when Willow awoke the next morning after her shots. She had never worshipped at the porcelain throne so much before.

Willow’s attitude began to worsen some. She obviously had trouble reining in her emotions; angry moments began to erupt, though they never progressed to foul language and threats as Bill would have done. Often she felt morose, and could be seen lying on the couch in the living area, pillow pulled over her head. Gwen twice checked on her to see if she might actually be weeping – she never was; just sad and retreating from the world. She also began eating a little more at meals and in between.

A week after the doctor visit, Willow confronted her mother. “MOMMA! Did you dry my clothes on the hot cycle? They seem to be shrinking!”

“No, honey. I mostly cool dry your stuff, since it’s all still fairly new. I think the problem is … you’re growing,” said Gwen, and she softly pushed a finger into Willow’s tummy, hip, deltoid and cheek. “There’s a little more fat on you, all over.”

“How can that be?? Am I eating more than I did as Bill?”

“A little, and you’ve been less active too. But a big reason may be the estrogen, honey. It slows the metabolism; makes it hard to keep weight off. You’ll have to eat a lot less and get some aerobic exercise in. Welcome to our world; Angie and I struggle with this all the time.”

Willow rolled her eyes. “Great. Just great.”

~o~O~o~

Bernard u there

Bernard, come in bruh

BILL! Where u been? No text 4 a week now!

Sorry dude. Been down. Don’t kno what 2 do

Uh oh what happened

Should have listened 2u. doctor put me on hormone shots! 1st one last Tuesday

U let Dr give u hormone shot?

Didn’t want 2, folks were there, felt trapped. Mainly stupid Dr’s fault. Mom & stepdad didn’t want me 2 have it either.

DUDE U SHOULDA RAN

NO then Mom & W kno all this was an act, & still on house arrest for almost 2 yrs more. They can’t find out this was all a lie. If u think my grounding strict now – sh**, after that I’ll be a virtual missing person!

So what r u growing tits now

NOT FUNNY

Wasn’t joking, ru?

No. not yet NE way

U any closer to freedom?

Not that I can f*** tell.

Dude. U have another “addendum” 2 ur plan you can use?

No. have 2 think. U think 2, ok? I don’t know what to do next!

Ur the planning genius, buddy. I try tho. Hey, can u send me pic of you as Willow?

WHAT THE F*** FOR DUDE, SO U CAN LAUGH AT ME? NO

Tryin to help u, dude.

I hate my life

Don’t give up. Repeet after me: I will not give up.

Okay. Keep misspelling – makes me laugh

Awr yew macking phun ov mei?

Now ur doing on purpose. Still funny. ROFLMAO!

~o~O~o~

Gwen Eiken was on the phone with her minister from Chula Vista Episcopal.

“Father Wilson, I have a question for you; I’m trying to settle a disagreement that I have with one of my children. It’s about transsexuals and cross-dressers. I’ve been taught that those behaviors are sinful, but I can’t seem to find where Jesus says so in the Bible.”

“Ah," sighed the minister. "I’m getting this more and more from our members as the years go by. I suspect it’s due to the LGBT agendas being pushed by the schools. The book of Deuteronomy clearly states cross-dressing to be an abomination.”

“Yes, I saw those scriptures,” said Gwen. “But Deuteronomy is an Old Testament book of rules; right after that ‘abomination’ passage, it says you can’t wear clothes made of wool and linen woven together; you can’t plant 2 different types of grapes in your vineyard, and adulterers should be put to death. We don’t believe or do any of those things – why should we consider cross-dressing an abomination then?”

Father Wilson sidestepped that question to offer another point. “Well, the apostle Paul says the effeminate will not inherit the Kingdom of Heaven; that means they’re going to hell unless they repent and stop being that way. That’s in the New Testament.”

“Yes, I found that too. 1st Corinthians chapter six. It also says that adulterers and drunkards are going to hell. Forgive me, but wouldn’t that disqualify half of our eldership?

“Ms. Eiken. Insults are not becoming of a Christian lady such as yourself.”

“And hypocrisy is not becoming of my church leaders. For years I have been taking what you said as the gospel truth, without researching it myself. Well, never again. The one guy I trust in this Bible is Jesus. He condemns hypocrites. But nowhere does he condemn gays, transsexuals or crossdressers. He’s the example you keep saying we should follow.. So I’m going to do just that.”

“Ma’am … are you quitting the church?”

“No. I still love church – worshipping, singing, fellowship with my friends. But I will no longer sit and absorb every word I’m told. I’ll be listening, researching, cross-checking. Watching for hypocrisy. And when I see it I will not be silent. You have been warned.” She hung up the phone.

Okay God, she prayed silently. I’m sorry for how I’ve rejected my daughter. I repent; please forgive me. Help me to change. Help me to treat her right, no matter what sex she chooses to be.

~o~O~o~

The only strategy that Willow had was to try yet again to get Dr. Estrada to consider recommending “emancipated minor” status; perhaps he would wear down with repeated requests. Her next appointment was in the morning; the biweekly shots were due. Willow tossed and turned, yet could not get to sleep. She didn’t like the thought of more chemicals entering her body. Maybe the doc would stop the injections if she really emphasized the hot flashes and nausea?

She looked at the clock; 3:37 AM. Tired of lying in bed, she got up and proceeded to the kitchen. She was trying to diet, but maybe some of the gelatin Momma had made – with a little whipped cream on top, just a touch – would make her satisfied enough that she could sleep.

On the way, she passed the wet bar; a non-event, as her folks always left it locked. Willow stopped. She spun around to look at the bar again. For the first time she could remember, one of the cabinet doors to the alcohol had been left open. William may have forgotten to close and lock it after his nightcap earlier.

Man, how long has it been since I’ve had a beer? Since just before I got thrown in Juvie. Now THAT would help me sleep. Let’s see, what’s in this cabinet? No beer … lots of pretty bottles … what’s this one … vodka! Man, I haven’t even had wine before, much less liquor. Surely the ‘rents won’t miss a little of this?

Willow found a wine glass and poured some vodka into it. She noted that before the pour, the level in the bottle was above the “A” in the word ABSOLUT; after, the level was nearly down at the bottom of the A. Okay; that should be at least one beer’s worth. She replaced the bottle and attempted to gulp down the glass in one big long swallow. She got not half of it down before choking and spewing the rest on the carpet.

OOH CRAPCRAPCRAP!! Grabbing the paper towels at the bar sink, she cleaned all she could – including the wine glass, which she slipped back into the cupboard – and sprayed the whole area with the bottle of deodorizer she’d found below the sink. What a major screw-up. I can’t believe Momma didn’t wake up and catch me. Willow was already feeling woozy-headed when she got back into her room and fell into bed.

~o~O~o~

The next day Gwen drove Willow to Estrada’s office. The mother looked over at her child in the passenger seat. “You look like you feel awful, honey. What’s going on with the big sunglasses?”

“Momma, you don’t have to yell. It’s … ah, the hot flashes from the shots. Really bad today.”

“Hmm. Let’s tell Dr. Estrada that. Maybe he needs to cut back on the hormone dosage."

The meeting went quick. The doctor heard the complaints about the flashes, emotions, nausea. He dismissed those concerns, saying that she’d get a tolerance to those symptoms with more time on the hormones. “I do need blood work from you before I give you your shots, Willow.”

“What for?”

“To determine blood levels of the drugs you’re on.”

Willow misinterpreted this as a request for an illicit drug screen, not the estrogen level test that the doctor meant.

HE WANTS TO DO A DRUG SCREEN ON ME?? Wait, that’s fine – I haven’t used any since before I was in juvie. OH GOD, WAIT – I GOT INTO THE VODKA 6 HOURS AGO. IF I GET BUSTED, IT’S ALL OVER. What makes him suspicious? My bloodshot eyes? I can’t let them test my blood.

“Doc … I’m already getting 2 shots, and I hate needles. Now you’re going to stick another in me. Can’t we just skip it?”

Dr Ramos smiled. “We’ve just developed urinalysis technology that approximates serum levels; I have one of the first machines here in my office.”

The nurse in the room turned to Willow and Gwen. “He means a urine sample will do, Hon.”

Willow walked with the urine cup to the bathroom. This is no better. I’ll bet there’s some alcohol in my urine. She went in the toilet room and hiked her skirt up, pulled her panties down and filled the cup with yellow pee. After she pulled herself back together, she poured at least ¾ of the cup into the toilet. Have to have a little pee in there for the color, right? Then she filled it back to the brim using warm water from the tap. God, I hope that dilutes the vodka enough.

“Done,” she said exiting the bathroom, handing the sample to a gloved nurse.

The doctor came back in Willow’s room fifteen minutes later with the shots.

“Sir,” Gwen urged, “Is there any way we can cut down on her dosage? She had a lot of hot flashes even just this morning. This is all new to her, and she’s struggling a bit.”

“Cut down? I’m having to increase it. Her drug levels are almost nonexistent. I’m guessing her liver or kidneys chew up and eliminate the drugs more aggressively than most. She needs more, not less,” he said, waving the very full syringes in his right hand. "I'll give her a nausea medicine shot also, and send you home with a prescription for antinausea suppositories."

Willow really didn’t catch on the whole meaning of this conversation between her mother and the physician. Her head was still pounding, yet she was relieved that no drugs were found in her urine. When prompted, she “assumed the position” and received her shots. And in her hung-over state, she forgot to pull him aside and ask for the emancipation letter she wanted.

Gwen drove them home where Willow once again collapsed in her bed.

~o~O~o~

Three days later.

“How are you today, Willow?” Gwen asked as her newest daughter walked into the kitchen. “Feel like eating this morning?”

The girl was wearing her skater skirt, pink sneakers and a long sleeved purple tee. Her wig was now always on her head unless showering or asleep; she had some eyeliner and minimal makeup, with simple studs in her ears.

“Yeah, finally. I’m hungry; after broth for the last 2 days, I hope I can tolerate real food. The nausea was so intense after those latest shots! I think I lost a little weight – which is the only good thing about all this.”

“Getting thinner via bulimia is NOT a good thing, daughter. I’ve already been on the phone with Dr. Estrada’s office this morning. Your blood sample we gave them yesterday – you know, the one they requested when I called about your severe reactions – it showed way too much estrogen in your system. Evidently that urine estrogen level they did at the office was inaccurate in your case, so you got an extra high dose this last shot. They’re lowering the dose next time. I’m pretty angry at them; you really have suffered.” Gwen handed a small plate of buttered toast to Willow, who started nibbling eagerly.

“Momma – you’re saying the pee I gave them was to check for a hormone level, not anything else?”

“Yes. Why, what were you thinking it was for?”

“Nothing. Just wondering,” the teen lied. STUPID! Stupid stupid stupid idiot! I’m already messing up my body with hormones, and I just tricked him into giving me MORE?! Okay. No more alcohol, no more distractions. It’s all on hold until I gain my freedom. Speaking of …

“I was wondering, Momma – oh boy, this toast is so good – how am I behaving? I know I’ve been more emotional since the shots. You said that time at Dr. Estrada’s that I was being obedient and polite; am I still that way?”

“Oh, you’ve been a little more difficult after starting the shots, but I think that’s due to those estrogen side effects. Some of us women become emotional wrecks when our ovaries first start firing up. So you could have been worse. Maybe you would have been, if you’d had to deal with bleeding and periods too.”

“Am I better than I was when I was Bill?” When you say yes, I’ll push to end my grounding.

Gwen tilted her head as she looked back at Willow. “Behaving better? Absolutely. But let’s not say you’re ‘better’ than Bill as a person. Bill had a lot of rough edges, but I loved him and always will. Just like I love you, daughter. Now if you start doing the things Bill was doing, you’ll find your Poppa and I can be just as harsh with our rules. But no matter what, we’ll still love you.”

“I know you love me, Momma. But I’ve always thought Poppa didn’t. ‘Cause he’s a stepfather. And stepdads abuse their children. Stepparents can’t love their stepkids because - they aren’t really their kids.”

“Willow,” gasped Gwen, “who told you that?”

“It’s common knowledge, Momma. Half the kids at school – when I actually went to public school - are stepkids. We talked about our folks. Most all of us wished we could have our original two parents back together. Not me! I know how rotten my ‘sperm donor’ father is. But William married you for you; we kids are just the baggage you brought along. That’s how most everyone thinks of their stepdads and moms.”

Gwen stroked her daughter’s cheek with the back of her fingers. “Oh Willow. Maybe that’s true for some stepparents. It’s true for some original parents too; there are plenty of Moms and Dads that have their natural kids and treat them like garbage. Again, exhibit one: your natural father. But when it comes to me, you are so, so wrong.”

“Momma – I wasn’t talking about you.“

“In a way, you were. See, after my divorce, I vowed to never get involved with any man who would treat my kids as second-class citizens. If some guy wanted me, he needed to treat me as the love of his life, and treat my kids as his own – better than his own. I frankly thought I had set the bar too high, that no man out there could meet my strict requirements. And then God plopped William into my life.

“As we were dating, I kept a keen eye on how he treated you. When he proposed, I demanded a yearlong engagement just so I could see if he loved you guys like you should be. He knew that becoming a stepparent would be rough, and that one or all of you would rebel against him. And he took you on anyway. So I married him. And he’s stayed true to his promise to me – and to you.

“So see, when you say William’s going to treat you as ‘baggage’, that means you don’t trust me as your Mom. I would never marry a man who does wrong by my kids. Rules? Yes. It’s frankly easier to enforce the rules when I have a husband to help me; that may be why it feels like things are stricter with him around. But abuse? Absolutely not. If I saw any, I’d take you three and be gone in a heartbeat, even if it meant living in a mobile home again. But me and you and your siblings, we got lucky. We got the best guy on the planet, and he’s sticking with us despite all our mess.”

Willow shook her head. “I’ll buy that he loves you, Mal and Angie. But the only reason he’s being affectionate to me right now is that I’m behaving. He never loved me when I was Bill. If I’m honest, Momma, I want a father who loves me for who I am, no matter how I act, no matter if I’m a boy or a girl. My real dad never did, and you can’t convince me that William does. Why should he? Even I wouldn’t love me if I was my own father.”

“Oh baby – what a thing to say!” Gwen’s eyes became moist. “You have more love in you than you know. We just need to bring it to the surface, past all that hurt and anger. You are worthy of love – ESPECIALLY from yourself. And how can you believe that William doesn’t love you after what he did while you were in Juvenile Detention?”

Willow tilted her head. “What are you talking about?”

Gwen’s eyes widened. “Don’t you – didn’t you ever hear about his speech in Juvie court?”

Her daughter shook her head, intrigued. For the moment, she’d forgotten all about asking for the grounding to be stopped.

“Oh, baby. I thought he’d told you,” Gwen sighed. “When you got put in detention, William and I came to visit you, remember? Seeing you there, obviously scared out of your wits – that shook us. Then that week we were told that the Judge in your case wanted to meet with us without you present. I had the impression it was to be an informal affair, maybe just to have us answer some questions.

However, they began to proceed with your case! In the court, police and your school counselors laid out their opinion that you were a rebellious, out of control child who was probably introducing drugs into their pristine utopia of Montclair High and North Montanas. All they had was second-hand testimony that you were dealing drugs, no definite proof; but they were ready to incarcerate you for the next 3 years. We were taken aback – there was no attorney there to speak for you; we weren’t aware you’d need one.

“Then William stood up and told the court that although you were rebellious and disobedient, there was too little evidence to support their decision. He said if you were in juvie detention for that long, you would surely emerge damaged; that they should reduce the sentence to time served, then let us keep you in home detention until you turned around. When they tried to blow him off, William promised he'd return that day with an army of lawyers. The court ended up shortening your detention to 5 months.

“Your Poppa made some enemies that day; he put his reputation and community standing on the line for you. Then he prayed every day, along with me, for your protection and survival while you were in detention. So he’s proven to me that he loves you, and I love him so much for it.”

Willow was amazed. “He did all of that for me?”

“Yes. That’s why I know he loves you. He really, really loves you. As Willow, or as Bill; doesn’t matter. Now, LIKE? I think he LIKES Willow better, and I do too. Sorry, Bill, if you’re in there somewhere,” she smiled as she poked her daughter on the noggin. “But we LOVE you just as much, no matter which one you are.”

Willow sat bolt still. “He … he really loves me,” she eked out in a whisper.

“Yes, and – honey? Willow, are you okay?” Gwen suddenly was concerned.

Willow was experiencing distress she’d never felt before. A severe cramp squeezed her upper chest and spread to the base of her neck. Her jaw locked shut, and her facial muscles spasmed to form a grimace. God! What’s happening? Am I having a heart attack?? Now the cramp rose up to her voice box and the back of her throat; it was painful! Her vision blurred, and she could feel water drenching her face. Am I dying? She attempted to call for help.

“Mmm … mmMomm … wha … wha’s … WHA’S HAPPENIN’ TO MEEE??”

Willow dissolved into a weeping, sobbing heap there at the kitchen table. She was crying for the first time in over a decade. Gwen ran and embraced her daughter, hugging and rocking her as her own tears now fell.

“Go ahead, baby. Let it out. I’ve got you.”

~o~O~o~

William walked in from the garage that late afternoon carrying two large flat square boxes.

“I come bearing gifts – the gift of pizza. One meat, one veggie. Putting them on the kitchen counter. Uh … hello?”

Gwen’s voice came through the intercom. “Hi, honey. Come on back to Willow’s room, okay?”

He did so. His wife was standing at the door to meet him; they shared a quick heartfelt kiss.

“Pizza’s in the kitchen like you asked. How’s Willow?”

“Still weepy, off and on. It’s like she’s making up for years and years of not crying. But she does want to see you. Go on in; I’ll be here in the doorway.”

William walked in. The overhead light to the bedroom was off, but two lamps and the sunlight from the window was sufficient. Willow was sitting on the side of her bed in the same outfit from this morning; her eyes were red, and any vestige of makeup had long ago been washed away by tears. A trash can with a small hill of wadded tissues was off to her left.

Willow looked up at the man in her room and smiled. “Hi, Poppa.”

“Hey, Willow. You wanted to talk to me?”

“Yeah.” She rose to stand like a perfect lady, legs together, with a smooth gradual ascension. “Um …”

Suddenly she ran the few steps to where he stood. She embraced him around his neck and kissed his cheek. “I … I love you too, Poppa. Love you too!” Now her tears were flowing again. William returned her embrace with his big arms around her back.

Her mother looked around for a fresh tissue box as the one in Willow’s room was now empty. Gwen felt a tap from behind on her shoulder blade; it was her daughter Angela to the rescue with another box.

“Thought it might be time for a new one,” whispered Angie.

Gwen kissed her oldest, then grabbed a handful of the paper and walked up behind William. She dabbed at Willow’s eyes with a few pieces and stuffed the rest into the girl’s right hand. Then she took a step back and took in the sight of these two former enemies holding on to each other.

Malachi’s voice crackled through the intercom. “OH my GOD!! Can we EAT already? I’m STARVING out here!”

~o~O~o~

Bernard u there?

Yep. How u? quit hurling yet?

Yes kept down slice of veggie pizza tonite!

Veggie? U a carnyvore dude

On a diet. Was getting fat

Okaaaay; whtevr. How goes the Plan

Um; reworking it; not finished yet.

Better do it B4 ur next shot!

Yeah. Hey Bern. Got serious question

Uh oh. Ok shoot

Ok. Ur my friend, right? We still best buds?

Yes

Would we still be best buds if I stayed this way 4 a little while?

Stay what way?

Just say yes or no

I cant. Don’t kno what ur talkin bout. Stay … ?

The way I am right now

Which is?

Um, a girl.

If I stayed living like a girl. Would u b disgusted, hate me?

Bern u still there? Plz. Plz b there.

Srry, just stunned. Yes dude. Still besties. No matter what.

Really!!

Yes unless I get a girlfriend. Jealusy probs, right?

LOL!

SO when did this happen – r u considering really turnin into a chick??

I been thinking hard about this. I don’t know when I’ll get Dr. to help me with legal action; feels like I’m in limbo. Until then keeping up with this act. But u kno … I don’t think I totally hate being a girl. In some ways.

What ways are those?

Relationship with parents much better – they treat me with love and respect. I learned today that William loves me as if I was his natural kid. And I think they may start relaxing rules soon? So maybe I get more freedom finally?

Well at least that’s happening - good

I feel more peace in life and heart, especially today. Anger not constantly burning in chest. Don’t kno if that is from being a girl or not; if not, it’s a huge coincidence.

Hello – R U sure this is Bill im talking 2?

Actually, ur talking to Willow. I’m still Bill, but Willow is becoming like a real person now, not just an act. She likes to get dressed up and look pretty, too. With my wig, I fool most people – don’t get tagged too often as guy in public.

Dude u even sound like a chick. So u happy?

I think maybe a little – more than I was.

Then Im happy 4 u. Glad u told me

Scary though. Thought I’d lose u as a friend.

Hey, Im always in ur corner. Dude/chick/whatever.

U don’t kno how much I appreciate that ☺

R u into guys now?

No. but looking at girls different – their style and clothes – and not as much their T&A. Not getting boners much – but hormones may be doin that

I M worried bout u. Rite now u in sheltered life. Tougher when out in real world as tranny.

Yeah, thass true probably. So next goal in “Plan” is allowing me some freedom in real world. Will have doc recommend to folks

Maybe u and I could finally hang out some again. I kno ur mom hates me 4 the drug stuff – but clean/sober for almost 10 months, attending 12 step program.

Man, I miss hangin w/u. I’ll talk 2 Poppa 1st; he might convince Momma

U call him Poppa? Not Stepshit? OK mind blown. So what do u look like as girl?

Texting u a pic of me. Lousy light srry. I haven’t seen u in over a year – text me a pic of u please?

Ok I sent pic; just got urs. Dude u r kinda hot

Why thank u Bernard. I C U R kind of a stud yrself

OK DUDE; FREAKING OUT.

U started it! ROFLMAO!

~o~O~o~

To be continued tomorrow

If you've gotten this far, please leave a comment! Don't make me reach through the screen and tweak your nose!

Thanks for reading!

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Comments

About time, huh?

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

Sort of thought it might go this way

littlerocksilver's picture

There're going to be some tough rows to hoe. Willow was probably there all along, but severely suppressed. I imagine her asshole of a father had a lot to do with that. It's nice her friend supports her, if only for now. The crying was definitely needed. I just hope it goes well.

Portia

You've always been one to "sniff out" my plots in the past

in the general direction, if not always in detail. Even all the way back to Cruiser Lake. At times I wondered if you've been spying on my story notes! Maybe it just means we think alike as writers. Which, if so, would be a super flattering compliment to me.

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

I didn't know

littlerocksilver's picture

I was doing that. When reading, I don't always realize who the author is. I just try to assimilate the story, and get into the characters' heads. I think quite a bit of it is wishful thinking on my part. I'm going to have to go back and see your other stories to jog my memory, what little there is left of it.

Portia

Portia

An example is this.

Yours was the first comment on "Cruiser Lake - Part 3". You said:

Well, there're two episodes left. I suspect everything will turn to s*** in the next episode. Then we'll just have to wait and see.

- and that's exactly what I had already planned out for the next episode!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

It's almost funy how

Monique S's picture

Bill shoots himself in the foot time and time again.

I think the hormone doses must be pretty high, if the flushes and stuff came that quickly. They should have had a blood test before, not after. And, sorry, but the lab assistant is a prat not to notice the diluted state of the urine sample. In the olden days every sample was also tested for its taste, but that probably has gone out the window with todays health and safety craze. But that would definitely have brought up the dilution. It all looks rather amateurish on the doctors side.

Willow actually might have been lurking in the background all the time, giggling about Bill's stupidity. I think she's there to stay for good.
Monique.

Monique S

As I've stated in other comments on this story

If someone is an MD, even double-board certified, it doesn't guarantee clinical excellence or unbiased judgement. The doc has more to say in this story, but I haven't tried to write his current practice as usual or state of the art; If anything, he's jumped too quickly to therapy and has made some goofs (increasing the dosage based on a urine test, not a blood test). So I don't want anyone to think this is how usual transgender evaluation and treatment should be. Are any docs out there this amateurish, as you say? Unfortunately, I believe the answer is yes. Not most. But too many.

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

This right here... =]

Dude u even sound like a chick. So u happy?

Now that's a friend, wanting to know how she is doing, Gotta love that! I'm loving the story, got some laughs, some awww moments, can't wait to see what happens next! =]

Sara

Yeah, Bernard's "stepping up to the plate" as a friend

at a time Willow really needs it.

Thanks for your enthusiastic feedback!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

About what specifically?

Enquiring minds want to know!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

The Book of Deuteronomy

According to a Jewish scholar I once knew, Deut. 22:5 actually says: Men and Women must not enter each other's tents. Where the Christians got what we all hear is due to bad translation, according to him.

Who knows what the writer's in-tent was?

Whatever it was I bet it spurred in-tents debate!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

Weeping Willow

Could be he/she could live either way but life as Willow is just getting to be much better than Bill's life. Willow still has some growing up to do but it might be with a family instead of alone like it would have been for Bill.

Time is the longest distance to your destination.

I agree, lots of growing; lots of hurdles left

That's why there's 12-13 parts to this story overall.

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

OK, hearing about step-dad's speech ...

Jezzi Stewart's picture

... was the traumatic event I was looking for to make me cautiously optimistic about the outcome for Bill. I don't think it's a coincidence that his friend is changing for the better, too. I see God's hand in this.

BE a lady!

It's hard to keep people reading

When the protagonist is so unlikeable; so I was hoping that readers would hang on until we got to this chapter, when we finally see some good stuff out of Bill/Willow. Glad you hung in there!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

So you're hooked like a fish, eh?

Don't worry, I practice "catch and release" - once the full story's over! :)

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

aww

Willow isn't the only one weeping

aww!

now you're making my eyes a little wet!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

Yep, exactly ...

Mantori's picture

... as I thought.

A journey plotted out by the desperate calls of a hidden self, strangled tightly by acts of defiance and revealed to be a desperate longing for the love of true parents and a sense of belonging.

Genetic parents and family can so fuck up a child's life and that child's perception of self.

Sorry I do have one severe issue with this story though, the use of Christianity as a force for good in a transgender person's life. Sorry do not buy it. And those who do, obviously do not understand the insidious nature of religion, especially the insidious and vile nature of the Christian faith.

"Life in general is a fuck up,
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill

Once again, eloquently stated

And I wholeheartedly agree with your first two parts of your comment.

I would like to respond to your last paragraph. Know that I do so out of clarification of my intent, not out of severe disagreement or offense.

It was not my intent to show Christianity as a force for good in Willow's life; quite the opposite! Her Momma's religion has been a block to Willow being accepted by her mother (and Bill was wanting to use that to get kicked out of the family and be on his own). Her mother, near the start of today's posting, actually rejected the things her minister was trying to tell her. She's siding with her daughter, not her doctrine; That's the force for good in Willow's life right now, her mother's support.

I personally grew up in a Christian church believing everything I was told; later rejected it all and left the church; now I have a spiritual life, but not a religious one. I believe there is a God; I like many of the things that Jesus purportedly said in the first 4 books of the new testament; but i see too much hypocrisy in organized religion to attend services right now. Having said that, i have loving, accepting friends both in and out of Christianity.

I believe religion is insidious, just as power is corruptive and gambling is addictive. I think many people heve been burned badly by religion; in the US, the offender is Christianity as that is the major religion in this country. However, I don't believe Christianity is especially more evil than other religions (and to avoid political debate I will refrain from naming the others I'm thinking of). The rot of hypocrisy and hate diffuses all religion, occasionally overtly, but more often insidiously (as you stated).

I don't know if you believe that one can be spiritual without being religious, but I believe it's possible, and it can bypass the evil involved in religious doctrine. Bernard is the example in this story; he's changed from who he was a year ago, and has done it in the framework of Narcotics Anonymous, which is basically a spiritual recovery program.

Anyway, for what it's worth, those are my current beliefs. I hope I haven't offended you with this, Mantori. I appreciate your input and readership.

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

Absolutely no offence taken.

Mantori's picture

You see, if I may be a bit personal here, my journey has included this whole religion/spirituality stick longer than what I would like to admit.

It has been the religious and in particular the Christians in my history that has caused me the most distress an ouright pain that I have ever experienced. In the 10 years that it took me to transition from male to female, between 1991 and 2001, at least 3 of those years were wasted by me trying to not disappoint an unfair sadistic capricious g-d.

Me needing to know the answer (and my place in reality,) and inventing the question more often than not, and studying comparitive religion and spirituality most of my adult life. Really started when I was 11 when I had in my hands the theories of Carl Jung, the hypotheses of Sigmund Freud and specifically the works of Dr. Benjamin Rush that I started questioning the validity of religion and specifically the authenticity of Christianity.

But being surrounded by a bunch of uninformed religious fuck nuts, and being to young to stand up in an uninformed place I was dragged down to their fucked up interpretation of what life should be to often. Although in 1994 of after a year of full-time bible college in an evangelical church, seeing first hand the fucking hypocrisy and 'power play" bullshit I walked away from it into a 'new age' understanding of spirituality. Like a rabid dog I studied and consumed everything I could find on energy, alternative healing and other spiritual woowoo. Just to come crashing down realizing that within new age world it also was all about dogma and 'kingdom building' more than anything else. I studied a two year degree in metaphysics, studied quantum physics and at the moment working on String Theory and M Theory.

I am at this moment in my life a very happy atheist and have a big problem with understanding how Trans people can honestly even choose to be part of or defend a religion, Christianity, that basically want to wipe them of the face of th earth. And no, it is not about interpreting the bible incorrectly, I have studied the fairy tale extensively. Probably read it cover to cover at least 50 times, and studied the new testament quite a few more. So no, I know how to read said fairy tale.

Sorry I digress... you are correct though in saying that the mother chooses the child over the religion... but is that where it will end? Will you return to how Willow will be treated by religious people? Has the family as a whole walked away from church life? You as the writer can not gloss over and ignore this important part of how tg people are treated in Willow's evolution...

I am the last person to dictate how a story should be writen, but Christianity and religion need to be shown for what it truly is, in all it's fucked up 'glory'...

"Life in general is a fuck up,
but it is the rare moments of beauty and peace
in between the chaos,
That makes it worth living."
- Tertia Hill

Awwww!!

(step)Dad really loves him/her! I love this so so much!! It’s looking like Willow is becoming more of a real person, one with a loving family, something Bill never had. And Bernard’s still her friend! That said, it looks like there might be a little bit of sexual tension developing there. Again, I’m really really happy that Willow knows her dad loves her, and has always loved her!!

Are you shipping Bernard and Willow?

No? Too soon?

And I'm so glad you liked how the realization of love between William and Willow played out! I was hoping it would be effective.

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

To me the main thing is

that not all transgenders know it and feel that way from a young age. Plenty of us don't come to the realization until after a decade (or two, or three) of life. Hidden? or "newly formed"? That's a moot point IMO.

Thank you for commenting WJ!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

just realized that there's a

Brooke Erickson's picture

just realized that there's a *huge* flaw in Willow's plan.

To be an emancipated minor you have to be able to support yourself. That means a *legal* jop or some sort of trust fund or something.

They won't emancipate you if you are going to wind up on welfare.

Brooke brooke at shadowgard dot com
http://brooke.shadowgard.com/
Girls will be boys, and boys will be girls
It's a mixed up, muddled up, shook up world
"Lola", the Kinks

So true!

Thus the perils of trusting only a few internet sites instead of finding a lawyer at the start.
Of course that would've been impossible for Willow/Bill to do and keep the parents from finding out, since the plan depended on subterfuge.

You're a smarty, Brooke!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell

Bad boy learn important fact

Jamie Lee's picture

So bad boy's plan took a side trail when his parents let the quack give Bill blockers and hormones. And yet in all his research he didn't come across the affects of hormones on a boy who starts taking them.

Suddenly Bill is feeling terrible after the shots but also something else he'd kept tight reign on for years, tears.

Feeling terrible actually opened him up to allowing his mom to talk with him to explain some affects of hormones. Bill was also more open to listen while Gwen told what William did for him in court.

That court hearing seem rushed, without Bill present or a lawyer representing Bill. What happened to Bill having his day in court and having a lawyer present? Someone wanted this handled quickly and quietly, maybe? Had William and Gwen known they need a lawyer for Bill, maybe things would have been different.

Bill wasn't missing his birth dad so much as being angry over how he and his mom, brother, and sister were treated. It may have been this anger, plus the birth dad's attitude which caused Bill to act as he'd done in the past.

But now, after the hormone shots by the quack, he feels different, less angry, calmer and actually unsure about his plan. Might besides tightly controlling his tears he was holding something else even tighter? Might he had to have done so because of abusive macho attitude of Robby?

Bill's whole mind set seems to be changing, based on how he's feeling and how he's now being treated. Suddenly all of his plans seem moot or needing to head in a different direction. Has Bill finally started turning a corner he's been waiting to turn for some time?

Others have feelings too.

Decades ago

I experienced a juvenile court meeting that was staged without legal counsel present. I saw the father (a relative of mine) stand up and take a stand (just as William did for Bill), and the judge backed off the harshness of the sentence he was about to deliver. So that part was written from direct past experience/observation.

I love, love, love your shared insights, Jamie!

Hugz! - **Sigh**

Words may be false and full of art;
Sighs are the natural language of the heart.
-Thomas Shadwell