Merry Christmas!

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I’ve always been TG but never had a chance to express or explore that part of me. Back in the 60s it just wasn’t done much less tolerated. Born physically male I had mixed signals my first 3 years, I was the third child, a 6 year older brother and what would have been a 4 year older sister if she’d lived. My mom used me to fill her loss... until my sister was born when I was 3. Suddenly I had to become all boy.

My dad was a mechanic who opened a service station next to our home when I was 9 so I was put to work pumping gas and whatever. I was never allowed to deviate from masculinity. I had my first date when I was a senior, she was a junior. I never dated anyone else. We went through college together, married the weekend after she graduated. We had a decent devoted marriage for 36 years. The last 9 of those years I worked full time, was an officer in our church, and her full time caregiver. She had MS, slipped on the ice and broke her back, and wound up bedridden for those last years. This will be the 9th Christmas without her. During my life I have endured 13 major surgeries, both knees replaced, back surgery, and a sextuple bypass. Most TG people would be bitter, but I can smile.

I never had a chance to explore my TG side. If I tried it now I’d be too ugly to accept myself, so I live my TG life via writing TG fiction as well as reading BCTS. To me, BCTS is what makes my frustrated TG status bearable. I do all I can to support BCTS.

I retired three years ago and wasn’t able to support BCTS as I wanted. In January I took a PT job driving school bus, so far I’ve donated better than 50% of my earnings to support BC. I’m still active at church, President of the Church Board and other positions. My TG life is limited to and hidden on BCTS. I accept this as my only option to be TG and refuse to waste time, energy, or emotion on the “What ifs?” I made my decisions, and I will not second guess them. At the time they were the best option. The secret to a good life is realizing the past is the past and unchangeable. I’ve trained myself to make the most of the positives, and every event has positives. You just have to train yourself to look for the positives first, then deal with the rest keeping the positives near your heart. That is how I have survived 68 years with few regrets and much satisfaction.

The way you look at life is what makes the seasons bearable.

Merry Christmas to all!

Comments

Merry Christmas to you Jennifer Sue

Podracer's picture

I am, what are words? Maybe glad that you have found your way forwards and face it with fortitude thus. An inspirational outlook and may it carry on for as long as you are given.

"Reach for the sun."

Merry Christmas

Patricia Marie Allen's picture

Merry Christmas to a fellow school bus driver. I too retired (at age 72) and then got bored and became a school bus driver. My retirement wasn't as well planned as it might be, so my living budget was quite tight, with only couple of hundred dollars discretionary funds. My Christmas budget was the minimum required distribution from my 401(k). A big chunk of my 401(k) that first year went to buying a reliable car and a down-payment on a house to retire in. I had been renting and needed to stabilize my housing cost due to moving to a fixed income. That was the only way I could come up with the down-payment. As a result the balance wasn't large enough to contribute to my monthly income.

The part time income from the school bus driving allows me to have some measure of discretionary funds. However, so far this year, I've had to use it for home and auto repairs. A new water heater, replacement toilet and new battery for the car pretty much ate up the first three months wages. And now Christmas is upon us and my check from my 401(k) has yet to arrive, so there goes this month's income.

As a school bus driver, I can appreciate your choice. I can also appreciate your background in TG. I grew up in the 50s and TG wasn't even talked about. Christine Jorgensen's transition in the early 50s was the only case I heard of. The 50s was a time of awakening and questioning for me. I heard about Ms Jorgensen and around the time I also heard that Carl Jung postulated that there was something masculine about every woman and something feminine about every man. It was also the time I discovered my sisters clothes and that, as and eight or nine year old, I was comfortable in them and felt fulfilled when I looked in the mirror and saw myself represented in a feminine guise. However, the lack of information about transgender (or even transsexual) left a vacuum in my understanding of it.

I spent the next 30 years under the impression that there was something weird about me and that I was "just a cross-desser". It wasn't until I began desiring physical changes when I was in my 40s that I began to question that status. It wasn't until I discovered the Kaiser (my health insurance carrier) had a Gender Pathways Clinic as I was approaching retirement that I pursued the matter.

I've been on HRT for a little over 2 years and have been having electrolysis to remove my beard for nearly as long. At my age, I'll never have the surgery to completely transition, but the HRT has given me a sense of feminine that I never really achieved before. Thankfully, my wife has stayed with me through all these changes to spite a rocky start when she discovered my cross-dressing 45 years ago. I have ditched all my men's clothes in favor of their feminine counterparts. About half my wardrobe is butch enough that those who need to see me as the typical male can overlook the feminine touches (such as buttons on the wrong side, no hip pockets or fly in my pants and the big one... the fact I wear a bra 24/7 complete with C cup breast forms.)

As I said, with surgery out of the question, this is about as close to full transition as I'll get.

Hugs
Patricia

Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann