December 28

It was three days after Christmas. I’d sent all the thank-you letters and finished all the left-overs. So now I could relax for a few days before the New Year’s Eve binge with my drinking mates.

And that thought set me thinking about the New Year and, for some odd reason, New Year resolutions, things I’ve never really given any consideration to, but perhaps I should. So for the first time, I did, doing a rapid assessment of how my life was going. Were there any facets of it that could do with improvement?

I don’t smoke, don’t eat or drink to excess – well, except for the New Year’s Eve binge, obviously! I also don’t do drugs and might generally be thought of as a good catch by any potential mother-in-law, whether or not I was comfortably-off – which I now am.

I don’t gamble either, unless you count my one lottery ticket each week in hopes to be able to retire early, even though I’m only thirty and enjoy my job. My ex-girlfriend, before she acquired the prefix, used to say that doing the lottery was a pointless waste of money because if I won millions I wouldn’t spend it, although that’s not what split us up!

To be fair, we effectively drifted into a sort of platonic relationship, perhaps due to our long working hours and frequent business travel, but probably more so due to my lack of commitment. So I think we both seem to be fairly relaxed about just being friends while waiting for Mr or Miss Right (as appropriate) to turn up.

On occasions we have been ‘friends with benefits’ since the split, but Tina and I are mostly each other’s plus one at weddings, work social events and the like, as well as having the odd day out together when either of us is a bit bored.

So that sets the scene, and there I was wondering what I could do as a New Year resolution, with things mostly going very smoothly on most fronts bar the one, yet not even being too awful on that one.

So then I realised that Tina, my ex, might have some other insights into this, since she knows me so well, having stayed with me in either my flat or hers most nights for eight years, so she should have some ideas on suitable topics for a New Year resolution ...or resolutions, knowing her!

Accordingly I gave her a call and invited her round for a meal that evening, and she luckily was free. I can cook and I keep my flat tidy, so that’s another two resolution topics I wouldn’t need.

She arrived, looking impeccable as ever, being her usual witty self, and reminding me of what I had first seen in her. We started eating almost straight away with a nice starter (he said modestly), and chatted about our Christmases. We then moved on to the main course which was a new one for me but also was pretty good (though I say so myself), by which time the topic was her love life, or lack of it. So naturally the topic over the cheesecake (from a supermarket this time) was my equally unsuccessful amorous exploits.

Once I’d cleared the table and we were having coffees, I then brought up the resolution issue and that set her thinking.

“Hmmm”

I waited. ...And waited.

“Hmmm”

...Still waited.

“Well, I can think of one thing, but you may not like it.”

“What?”

“It’s how you walk.”

“What do you mean? Do I limp or drag my feet along the ground?”

“No, it‘s nothing like that.”

“Well, what is it then?”

“We-e-ll, there’s no easy way to say this but ...you’ve got an effeminate walk!”

“What? I’m not gay!”

“I know that but your walk is sometimes a bit on the effeminate side of average for a man.”

“Really?”

“Yes. If you don’t believe me, look at the video I took of you walking over the Millennium Bridge that weekend when we stayed in London. I think it may still be on my phone.”

“Show me. And while you’re finding it, I’ll nip to the loo.”

While I was in there, things were going through my head. Surely she couldn’t be right, and if she was (and she usually was), I wondered if I’d always done it.

And if she’d noticed, had other people noticed too, even if they hadn’t mentioned it?

I returned from the bathroom to see her with phone in hand, obviously waiting to press ‘play’ as soon as I was back in my place. And sure enough, there I was in the video, looking less than macho as I walked along.

“Oh! I can see what you mean! But you never said.”

“...Because it’s not the sort of thing you say to a heterosexual man if you don’t want to risk losing him, which I didn’t at the time.”

“So you’re saying that my New Year resolution should be to walk in a more manly way?”

“Possibly. But another way of looking at it is that it’s you and it’s what you do. I think you’ve gone through the last few years like that without a problem, so why change? But now that you know, you really need to decide if you want to do anything about it before considering how you actually do it!”

“Hmmmm” I said.

She then said “Why don’t we both think about it overnight and if you’re free,” (and I was) “you could come to my place tomorrow at eight. I’ll feed you this time and we’ll continue our discussion a bit further.”

She took up my invitation to stay the night – in the spare bedroom – as we still had half a bottle of wine to finish, but I never got to sleep for several hours as my mind was in a bit of turmoil. And when I finally awoke, she was gone, leaving a note saying:

“Thanks for an interesting evening and looking forward to another one tonight.
Love, T.
xxx”

December 29

I arrived at Tina’s on time that evening with a bottle of wine and we had a lovely meal (she’s a good cook too – I learned most of it from her!) before we retired to the sofa to continue our chat.

“So, what are your thoughts on your New Year resolution, now that you’ve slept on it?” she said.

I said “There wasn’t much sleeping going on as I spent hours just thinking and I’m no further forward.”

“To be honest, I was much the same, though I did come up with an idea, but it would mean I’d have to ask you an awkward question. However before I did that, you and I would both have to promise to be completely honest with each other. So if any little secrets we may have kept from each other during our time together do come up, we’ll both need to be truthful, otherwise we’ll be wasting our time.”

“Well, after last night’s bombshell, I think I could cope, so I promise to be completely honest.”

“Good, I promise to be truthful too, and I’ll try not to upset you but this is the sort of conversation that could get a bit painful for either or both of us.”

“I’m ready, but before we continue, I’d better open another bottle.”

Ten minutes later we were ready to go on and Tina said “Firstly I was wondering if you ever tried wearing female clothes when you were young?”

“Intriguing question to start with! But no, I never did. The thought never crossed my mind.”

“And once you discovered you liked girls, did you either try on female clothes, or feel an inclination to do so?”

“Still no, although I did feel an inclination to get into girls’ underwear, but not in the way you meant!”

“So before you met me, had you ever crossdressed?”

“No.”

“And, once I let you get into my underwear, did anything change in that regard?

“Well, you being my first girlfriend meant that I came into close contact with girls’ clothes for the first time, and they fascinated me. They were so much softer than mine and I began to see that girls have much more choice in what they can wear.”

“But did that go so far as to make you wonder what it would feel like to actually wear them?

“Er, er, I, er, well ...yes, actually, it did.”

“So did you act on that?”

“Well, one day while I was using your bathroom, I saw a bra and panties on top of the pile in your laundry basket and I, er, tried them on.”

“Thanks for admitting that, it must have been quite difficult for you. So, did they feel as nice to wear as you’d hoped?”

“Yes!”

“Now we’re getting somewhere. I was just trying to establish whether your walk could be something to do with a crossdressing tendency, and from what you’ve just said, that could possibly, but not necessarily, be the case.”

“Oh”

“So, did you take things any further by trying on any more of my clothes?”

“No, I thought I’d soon be found out if I did.”

“So did you continue exploring your female side?”

“Yes. On my business trips I’d buy the odd item to build up a basic wardrobe and I learned about crossdressing from the internet. Online shopping was useful too.”

“Interesting! I presume you kept your stuff in your flat as I never saw any of it in mine.”

“Yes, I thought that would be far less risky.”

“Well, I think we’ve got somewhere tonight and we ought to continue this tomorrow back at yours. I’ll bring the wine and this time I want to see you as your female incarnation, whose name is…? I presume she has a name.”

“Yes, er, Rhona.”

“That’s a lovely name, Rob.”

“Thanks, I think so too, almost as nice as yours!

Tina then reversed the previous night’s arrangements by saying “You’re welcome to stay in my spare room tonight, and I look forward to meeting Rhona tomorrow.”

And now that my secret was out, I had a blissful night’s sleep. And it was me that left a note the next morning, which I signed as Rob (aka Rhona.)

December 30

The unexpected late commitment to being Rhona meant the day was hectic for me with extra effort going into the tidying up, then buying ingredients for the dinner plus some items for Rhona, preparing the meal and getting ready for Rhona’s first interaction with another person.

Tina arrived with two bottles of wine and some flowers for Rhona who was complimented on her appearance, and the two had another lovely meal followed by both moving to the sofas, both sitting on their legs with their heels scattered across the floor and chatting away like it was a first date for two people who were hitting it off straight away. And in a way it was a first date but, in another way, it was the refreshing of a wilted relationship.

Of course, being effectively a girls’ night in, it gravitated towards being a wardrobe inspection with advice on various aspects of femininity being gratefully received.

At the end of the evening, Rob’s spare room was again offered before they shared a goodnight kiss and Rhona went into Rob’s room – followed by Tina!

New Year’s Eve

Tina and Rhona woke together and shared a long good morning kiss before Tina said “Right, young lady, you still haven’t sorted out a New Year’s resolution and you’ve only got a few hours to do it, so are you any nearer to a decision?”

“Right now I’m a bit confused over what’s happened during the last few days. You’ve made me own up to things I’ve never admitted before, yet you’ve still had your way with me as if we’d never broken up.”

“I think it may be time for another little chat then, don’t you?”

“Perhaps.”

“Here’s how I see it. We got together at university before you discovered crossdressing. I thought you were wonderful and I think you thought that about me too and we were great together. After about five years, things were still great and I thought we’d soon be married. Then I started to notice that some of my things had been moving around in the laundry basket and if I hadn’t moved them it must have been you, but I said nothing.”

“Oh!”

“I still loved you and if you’d asked me to marry you at that time, we’d have had to have this conversation a bit sooner but, depending on the answers, I could well have said ’yes.’ “

“Oh!”

“So why didn’t you ask me to marry you? I think you still loved me.”

“I did still love you, and I still do. But I found that my crossdressing had now turned into an occasional need. And after so much time together, I knew that I couldn’t ask you to marry me without you knowing all about my secret hobby. I also knew that if I didn’t tell you, sharing a house was bound to expose me eventually and I was sure that that would devastate you and break us up. So I just took a coward’s way out by doing nothing ...which had the same effect anyway.”

“I suspect that our lack of success with new partners is because we’re both in love with someone else – each other. Am I right?”

“Yes”

“So to summarise again, we both still love each other, and would have been married years ago if it hadn’t been for a secret you couldn’t tell me, one which I had a suspicion about anyway.

“Yes, and I’m so sorry that I lost the love of my life because of it.”

Tina changed sofas to put her arm around me and said “I lost the love of my life too, but at this moment he, or she, doesn’t quite seem lost forever.”

She moved in close and we both kissed passionately, like we had years previously. Then she said “I’d be happy for us to be together again permanently if that’s what you wanted…”

“Oh, you’ve no idea how much I would like that.”

She raised her hand.

“I’d be happy for us to be together again permanently if that’s what you wanted, BUT I’d need some more answers before that could happen.”

“Ah, fair enough. You’ve made me so happy but I know that I’ve got to make you happy too so fire away.”

“So, how often do you crossdress?”

“Once or twice a month.”

“Would you ever want to have gender surgery, breast implants, or pierced ears and take female hormones or anything like that? And would you like to meet or go out with men and possibly have sex with them?”

“No, I’m a man and want to remain a man, your man, and I’d only practise my hobby at home, and only if you were comfortable with it.”

“Good. I could live with that. …And perhaps even with the pierced ears!”

Rhona then threw herself at Tina and the lovers had a few minutes of lip-interaction before they came up for air. Then Tina said “Now back to where all this started. What are you going to do about your effeminate walk?”

“Well, since it hasn’t been a problem to me so far and assuming you’d be happy to see Rhona occasionally, I think that there’s no real need to do anything more about it.”

“And I think the same, my love, so we appear to have come to a resolution, but different to the one either of us expected. And now I have one final question for you:

“If I wanted you to get down on one knee and ask me to marry you, would you?”

“I would, my gorgeous lover, but only if I was dressed as a man.”

“And I would say ‘Yes, my lovely man ...and occasional lovely woman!’ ”

As you can imagine, I didn’t go on my New Year’s Eve binge with my mates, but stayed at home with my lovely fiancée to spend New Year’s Eve together in front of the TV.

Not that we bothered switching it on ...or even staying up until midnight!