A New Style of Education - Part 48

Printer-friendly version

A New Style of Education

by Karen Page

Part 48

What do you see when you look in the mirror?

For Arwen, who asked so nicely


Part 48

Tuesday 3rd January 2006

"Jayne," Sam called over, "Stacy wants to know if you're ready?"

"Wow, is it time to see Edith already?" I muttered to myself.

"See you later," said Helen, giving me a kiss and propelling me towards the door.

I didn't really want to go, but knew I had to. Stacy was waiting with Andy, who wished us both luck before wandering back to the year-five common room.

As we walked up the stairs, Stacy said, "Andy's still upset that he caused Helen issues. Edith told him that seeing him as Andy might help her."

I stopped and looked at her. "She did what!?" It didn't make sense to me.

"I think it would be best for Edith to explain." Stacy continued on and I rushed to catch up.

To me, it didn't seem right what Edith had asked Andy, as it was causing more issues for Helen. Stacy didn't say anything, but linked arms with me to show support.

On arrival at Edith's office, she ushered us both to the settee.

"Good Morning. How've the two of you been doing?" she queried with a smile in her voice. "Did you both sleep okay?"

"I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I think it was catching up with me," said Stacy. "It's unusual for the alarm to wake me."

"We both slept through the alarm," I said. "It was only Jill ringing that got us up."

"Stacy, have you been alone since getting back to school?"

"No, I don't think so. Andy accompanied me to pick up Jayne."

"And you, Jayne, apart from when you came to get Helen yesterday evening?"

"No, I've been with Helen all morning, apart from the shower."

"No unusual nervousness, or anything different from how a day here normally is?"

Stacy shook her head.

"No, nothing really, apart from worrying I'd be late for breakfast and Helen's reaction to seeing Andy. Why did you suggest that Andy stayed in male mode when you knew it would upset Helen?"

"Yesterday, seeing you as David was a vivid reminder of what happened. However, as Helen is less emotionally attached to Andy and she wasn't seeing him when she pulled the trigger, seeing Andy instead of Brenda should trigger the same kind of reaction. However, since he was there, and you are all friends, seeing him should still cause a reaction, albeit a milder one, which she should be able to deal with. Being reminded of the events in a mild way should allow her to gradually get used to dealing with what happened, at which point you can return to David without causing Helen issues she can't deal with."

"Is that it?"

Edith shook her head sadly. "No, or I would be leaving on Friday. We have to sort out your issues and Stacy's."

"What about Andy?" I enquired.

"That is for him to discuss with you," Edith said. "I don't discuss the condition of other patients like that."

"Andy looks like he is mostly okay, but will still be under observation for a bit," said Stacy.

"That's great," I said, relieved that things were going okay for him. "So what is going to happen to us two?"

"I need to assess each of you, to determine a recovery program which will suit each of your needs. Shall we start with you, Stacy? Jayne, I'd like you to be quiet while this occurs, but if Stacy gets upset, then by all means-" Edith trailed off.

I smiled. "It's okay, Edith, you don't need to ask. I know the drill from when Helen and I have sessions together."

"Excellent. Stacy, on the way back to the hotel you were told to go into an alley due to an approaching military vehicle. Do you remember that?"

"Yes."

"Great. While you were there, it was reported that Skip and Ed were trapped and even though you were the closest, you couldn't move due to another truck approaching. What happened next?"

Stacy sighed. "What's this got to do with the guns and explosions?"

"It all related to what happened that night. What happened next, please?"

"Andy radioed through and said he could get there before we could get out of the alley. I approved him trying to help."

"How did you feel about that?"

"I was worried about David. I knew he would be worried about Christopher."

"What about Andy and Christopher? Weren't you worried about them?"

"Of course!"

"Why?"

"Why?" Stacy responded by repeating what Edith has asked.

"Why were you worried about them? If you were worried, why did you let them go?"

"Because Andy would have gone anyway."

"Really? It doesn't sound like you have much control of those under you. Should you be Beta One if you can't control your team?"

"It's not like that," said Stacy calmly. I don't know how she didn't get upset; I was beginning to feel a bit irked at Edith. "It was the right thing for Andy to go. If I hadn't authorised it, he would have known that I was putting my personal feelings before what was needed."

"Disobeying you would have been the right thing to do?"

"Yes, two people were in danger. Nobody else raised any objections, so it wouldn't have been right for me to. It would have been my personal feelings influencing my decision."

"What were your personal feelings?"

"I didn't want them to go."

"Why not? You've said it was the right decision."

"Because I should have been going. I should have been putting my life on the line."

"Nobody else should take risks? Nobody else should be able to be in danger if you aren't?"

"That's not what I meant."

"What did you mean?"

"I didn't want to put them at risk."

A pattern was beginning to emerge. As soon as Stacy had finished answering a question, Edith was straight out with another one. "Would you have preferred it if Fran and Ingrid had gone instead?"

Stacy was quiet for a moment, refusing to be rushed by Edith's questions, "I don't know. I think I made the right decision. I just didn't like doing it."

Edith paused and after a few seconds gave a small smile. "Very good, that shows you're human. No leader likes making decisions where they have to send someone into harms way. They find it more difficult and like it even less when they are sending someone they care about." This was a total change in attitude. Edith had been batting Stacy another question as soon as she had answered the previous one. Now it was like the tension had gone.

"Really?" asked Stacy, looking at Edith in surprise.

"Really. Perhaps you should talk about this with Rachel sometime. I'm nearly finished with you today, but not quite. I want you to think about this one carefully before answering. I want you to put into order of risk, the times that Andy could have been killed, injured or arrested."

As Stacy thought this over, I saw a change come over her. She had been quite subdued during the rest of the conversation and not too happy about the discussion regarding sending Andy to help Skip and Ed. She must have been silent for a good few minutes when I saw her shoulders slump and a solitary tear trickle slowly down her cheek.

It pained me to see Stacy like this. She was always there for everyone and I wondered how often she admitted having any issues to anybody apart from Andy and probably Rachel. I inched closer to Stacy and put my right arm around her to show support and felt her slump into me.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"There were several times where we were all in danger," Stacy said, making an effort to answer the question. "I presume that when Andy and Christopher went in to rescue Skip and Ed they were in the most danger, though I wasn't there to see. Next was when we'd caused the diversion and they took out the guards. Andy could have easily have been shot."

"That's enough," interrupted Edith when Stacy paused to take a breath. Edith paused and swung in her swivel chair to look out of the window at a light snow flurry.

"Are you okay?" I whispered to Stacy.

"Thanks for being here," Stacy whispered back, wiping her eyes.

Edith finally turned back to face us. She looked like she was about to ask another question, but stopped and got up. "Why don't we break for a few minutes and then it's your turn, Jayne."

I laughed out loud, which got a surprised look from Edith. "The only time Dr Ruiz did that during a long session with me and Helen, we both fell asleep on the settee while she was out of the room."

"I know the last few days have been very tiring, but I would be grateful if you could resist doing that today," laughed Edith, before leaving the room.

Realising I still had my arm around Stacy, I blushed and quickly removed it.

"I hope my chat's not that bad," I said, slightly worried.

"It wasn't that bad." Stacy shifted to face me. "She made me think about things and has actually settled some stuff that I was worried about."

"But you cried?"

"Yes, I did. Edith made me think about things and some were things I'd rather not think about."

"That's why I don't like seeing Rachel."

Stacy shook her head. "Jayne, I cried, but I'm glad that Edith made me look at the issues. If I don't examine them, then I can't move forward. Bottling up your feelings and worries isn't good for you."

When Edith came back, I braced myself for a deep delve into my thoughts. She looked at me and gave me a sad smile. "You don't like talking about your feelings, do you?"

"Not really," I surprised myself by admitting.

"Then let's try something else. Why don't we go for a little ride?"

"Where to?" I asked, getting a bit antsy. I didn't like it when therapists jumped subjects so rapidly.

"We're just going down one of the trails," Edith replied, telling me nothing apart from we were staying within the school grounds.

Most of the school vehicles had manual gears, but this one was an automatic. I was scheduled to start learning how to drive in February, and wondered which type I'd be learning in. The sad thing is that until I am over seventeen and then pass my driving test, I will be restricted to the school grounds. Helen had started her lessons a few weeks ago, but at the beginning, a lot was theory. Vehicle Management isn't just how to drive a car, it is how to maintain it, understand how they are built and how they work. This school never liked to go into a subject lightly.

Edith pulled up outside a familiar building, nestled in a small wood. My heart rate started to pick up. Perhaps a nice little chat wouldn't have been a bad move.

"Everything is set up," greeted Mr Yates, as we got out of the car.

As we all walked into the shooting gallery, I noticed Stacy was looking a bit apprehensive. If Edith noticed, she didn't say anything. There were three targets ready, with a clean scoring target in each.

"You don't mind if I join you?" asked Edith.

"I don't." Stacy shrugged her shoulders. I don't know how she maintained her cool. I was shuddering inside.

"I don't either," I said, trying not to show my fear. I muttered to myself, "I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer."

Mr Yates handed us ear protectors and three identical handguns.

The muted noise of the guns echoed as we all fired our weapons, but instead of bringing back memories of the other night, it brought back images of our shooting lessons. I was shaking slightly as I finished, but it was more from relief that I'd managed, rather than fear.

"Well done all of you," said Mr Yates, as he pulled back the targets. "Jayne, I believe that was a new personal best for you, well done."

"We better get back. Thank you for opening up for us," Edith told Mr Yates, flashing him a smile.

"Glad to help," he replied as we wandered out.

Edith drove back to the main building, but it didn't stop her from asking questions. "So Jayne, how was that?"

"Better than I thought. I expected to be frightened by the noise, but I wasn't," I admitted.

"And you got a personal best," added Stacy. At a glare from Edith, Stacy shrank back in her seat.

"I would appreciate it if you don't tell Andy and Helen about what we did, as I may do something similar with them, though probably not today. Jayne, you appeared to be muttering something just before we started the shooting. What was it?"

"Oh that? It was something from the book Dune. The main character had to do a test, which causes him fear and he chants this poem. I used to use it a lot at my old school, to pluck up courage to walk home."

"I can't say I've read it, though it I suspect I'm going to have a bit of bedtime reading." Pulling up outside the main building, Edith twisted round so she could see us better. "Jayne, I'm very concerned that you don't want to talk about things. Would it be easier if you saw Rachel?"

"Probably not," I said, after Stacy had given me a pointed glance. "Rachel's probably told you already that I don't like talking about things."

"Yet you did chat with her when you got back from your trip out, and you talked with me a little the next day."

I couldn't look Edith or Stacy in the eye, so glanced down at the floor. I just wish people would leave me alone.

"Why don't the two of you go on in while I put the car away?"

As Stacy and I walked towards the building I worried about things. I mean, I was doing okay, but everyone wanted me to talk about how I felt. I felt fine, and didn't want to discuss everything.

"Jayne?"

"Huh?"

"Are you okay? You seemed in deep thought."

"Sorry. I was just thinking about things."

"I know you don't want to hear this, but talking does help."

"Thanks," I said trying to smile. Perhaps Stacy is right, but how do you tell someone your feelings when you don't understand them yourself?

* * *

"So how did it go?" Helen asked, as I wandered into the common room. There was still a while before lunch.

I shrugged my shoulders. "It was okay, I suppose." I really didn't want this conversation to happen in front of the entire year.

Helen looked at me with daggered eyes and I felt my face get warm. I found that my shoes were worth staring at.

"You clammed up again?" concluded Helen.

Why is it that when you wish the general room conversation was loud enough that others wouldn't hear, that everything goes deathly quiet? I couldn't answer or look at Helen.

"Well?" she prodded, starting to sound a bit pissed.

"Yes, but-"

"Why?"

I sighed. Why didn't she let me carry on, I was about to explain. "Because-" I tailed off. Perhaps I can't explain.

"Jayne," warned Helen, not at all quietly.

"She'll speak when she's ready," said Anna, putting her hand on Helen's shoulder.

"Keep out of this!" growled Helen. Anna's distraction did have the affect of calming her down though. In a much gentler voice Helen continued, "Jayne, I just worry that you are bottling everything up. I don't want-"

I heard a small sniff. "I'm not going to commit suicide. I'm just worried that if I open up too much, you'll hate me. I might even hate me."

"Huh?" came from across the room, I think it was Wayne, but I couldn't be sure.

"If I carry on as I am and don't think about other options, then I can't hate myself for it and others can't be repulsed."

"You've had some thoughts, but they frightened you?" Jill asked from across the room.

This was quickly becoming a group session. Just what I need! Maybe if I just leave and go to my room? No, they'd only get me later. Maybe they'd worry I was suicidal. It looks like I have to brave this one out.

I sighed and reluctantly gave a small nod, my eyes beginning to dampen. I swallowed hard, trying to keep control. The room was silent for a bit, and I hoped that they were going to leave me alone.

"They were?" prodded Paula.

Damn her! Tears started to trickle down my face, as the thoughts and ideas that I'd tried to suppress once again came to the top of my mind. All I could do was shake my head.

"Come on Jayne." Helen pulled me up.

"Wh ... Wh," I tried to speak, but there were too many tears. I grabbed a tissue to try and blow my nose to stop the snot getting into my mouth.

"We are going for a walk," Helen replied, successfully interpreting my garbled attempt to talk.

Through bleary eyes, I saw that there were several others with us. Why don't they trust me when I say that I'm not suicidal? I was just beginning to calm down, when I realised we were in the corridor where the psychiatrist's offices were and Helen was knocking insistently on Rachel's office door.

"Yes?" asked Rachel, opening her door slightly so we wouldn't be able to see who she was with.

"Jayne was just telling us why she won't talk to you or Edith, and while it was fresh in her mind, with all the thoughts she doesn't like thinking about, we thought it would help to speak with you."

I'd come round enough to see the dilemma in Rachel's eyes. She would love to speak with me, but she was with someone else. "Helen, I think Rachel is seeing someone already. I don't mind waiting."

"I bet you don't," Stacy interrupted, coming to the door. "Rachel, I'll come back later, I think this is something far more urgent."

"I don't want Helen staying with me," I blurted out.

There were bewildered faces. "Because she hates the thoughts she's been having, and is worried that I'll hate her too," Helen explained.

"I'll stay," offered Stacy.

"Oh God, no," I moaned.

"I'm not leaving you without someone," said Helen. "Would you prefer Jill or Anna to stay then?"

"Stacy will do," I reluctantly decided.

"Charming," said Stacy, pulling me into the room.

The last thing I heard before the door closed was Helen calling out, "Don't let me down again."

"Sorry about this," I apologised to Stacy, as we sat down next to each other on the settee.

"You were there when I had my op. It is the least I can do to be here for you."

"So Jayne, do you want to explain why you are here now?"

"Helen was upset with me because I'd refused to talk to Edith. She feels I'm always bottling things up, and she was worried I would try to commit suicide."

"Were you crying because she shouted at you?"

"No."

"Because she hit you?"

"No," I said. "That’s silly. You know Helen would never do that."

"You did say she was upset with you, and Helen can get easily frustrated."

"I was crying because I was frightened. I'm frightened of the thoughts I have. They scare me. I don't like talking to you or Edith earlier, as I might tell you how I feel."

"Why would it be scary to tell me?"

"Because they're then in my mind, and I hate myself for them. I'm worried that others will hate me too."

I burst into tears, and I felt the comforting arms of Stacy envelop me. Rachel waited until I started to calm down.

"If you tell us, then we might be able to find a solution," she suggested. "I remember an old saying that two heads are better than one. In this case, we have three!"

I closed my eyes and tensed up. "I want to be David, but I'm worried that I'm too much Jayne to ever be happy as David. I'm worried that I'll never be happy, no matter who, or what I am. If I'm not forcing myself to be David, then even if I'm dressed as a boy, I'm mistaken as a girl. Even at this school it has happened several times."

The room was silent, but through that silence I felt Stacy continue to stroke the outside of my right leg. I looked up to see Rachel looking at me. "I don't hate you," she informed me.

"I don't either," added Stacy.

"Helen might."

"Unless you tell Helen, then you will never know, but think back to between the French trip and this one. You were David then, and Helen didn't have a problem, did she?"

"No, but-"

"Isn't the problem more how you see yourself?"

"What?"

Rachel got up and opened a cupboard door, revealing a full-length mirror. "Come over here." I got up and wandered across, Stacy not far behind. "Now look in the mirror and tell me what you see."

"I see Jayne."

"Is that all?"

"I see someone who looks a mess," I added.

"Stacy, what do you see?" Rachel asked.

"I see someone that is kind, loving, very observant, intelligent, and often puts others first."

"Huh?" I couldn't get my head around what Stacy was getting at.

"Oh, and someone who can't take a compliment," Stacy added.

"Just before your first mix-up Monday, when Helen was worried about being a lesbian, you said that clothes didn't matter. Look past the clothes, the hairstyle and the tear stained face."

"You don't need me to strip, do you?" I said half joking and half worried that Rachel was going to suggest that.

"Please don't," begged Stacy, in a highly theatrical voice.

"Stacy, please don't interrupt unless asked," scolded Rachel. "And I would also prefer you to keep your clothes on. Looking beneath the clothes, what do you see?"

I stared into the mirror, wondering what Rachel was talking about. All I saw was me. Perhaps this was like one of those 3D pictures, where you squint your eyes and glance at a corner and you suddenly see a giraffe. After a few attempts, I didn't see anything, apart from me.

"I don't understand," I said, getting frustrated. "All I see is me."

"There's nothing to get upset about," reassured Rachel, closing the cupboard door. "Why don't we go back to the settee? It is much more comfortable than standing."

When we were sitting down, Rachel continued. "I think part of the issue is you misheard me. I asked what you saw, not who you saw. You are you, and I'm sure you see a lot of your body when you shower and get changed. However, what do you stand for? What do you believe in? What are your aims in life? What makes you happy or sad?"

"I'd just get on with things. I've never tried to analyse my life."

"Then let's start with something simple. What is your favourite food?"

"Jam Roly Poly," I responded, without hesitation. "Covered in oodles of custard."

"Favourite main course?"

"Roast lamb, with no mint sauce."

"You don't like mint sauce?"

"Gah, no," I said, pulling a face just at the memory of the taste.

"Least favourite meal?"

"Beans on toast."

"Favourite film?"

"Dune."

"Which one?"

I paused from the quick fire questions. "There's more than one?"

"Yes. Can you remember who was in it?"

"Not really. I just enjoyed it. I do remember it had Patrick Stewart in it. You know, him from Star Trek. There is another?"

"Yes, it was done a few years ago, and it was closer to the book, though you will have to wait until you are fifteen to see it. Favourite colour?"

"Yellow."

"Favourite drink?"

"Dr Pepper."

"Was all that scary?"

"Should it have been?"

"I've no idea. It was you, being more open. It might have been a bit crude, but you were telling me things that you liked, and one that you disliked."

"I suppose I did."

"I don't hate you after that. Do you hate yourself more now?"

"No, but this is different."

"How?"

"Because we were talking about something else."

"Did you think that Edith was going to discuss your gender issues?"

"I suppose not."

"Is there anything that you feel scared talking about, regarding the field trip?"

"Yes," I reluctantly replied.

I don't think this was the answer that Rachel was expecting. I heard a small laugh from Stacy. I've got to admit, the expression on Rachel's face was funny.

"Rachel, would it be possible for us to have a few minutes privacy?" piped up Stacy.

I'm not sure what silent conversation went on between Stacy and Rachel, but surprisingly, she agreed. "I'll be outside, and as you know, I won't be able to hear you."

With Rachel gone, Stacy turned to face me. "Is it because of the reaction you had in bed?"

"What?" I asked weakly.

"When I got up, did you stay in bed because you'd got aroused, and need to wait for it to go down?"

I eventually whispered, "Yes." I hung my head in embarrassment.

"I feel quite honoured. Anyway, it was a perfectly natural reaction."

"For me it wasn't," I continued looking up shyly and seeing Stacy was blushing.

"Why?"

"Because I didn't feel sick."

"That's great news. Why, though?"

"I've no idea." It seemed Stacy didn't either.

"It's another clue to the mysterious working of your body. Were you worried that I might be offended?"

"Yes, and worried what Helen would say."

"Helen isn't here. Anyway, I doubt it would be something that would come up with Edith, and if it did, she would recognise it as a natural reaction. I do think it would be worth mentioning it to Rachel."

"Why?" My heart rate started to pick up.

"Because she is probably concerned about why you get sick. Knowing there was an occasion when you didn't, might help."

"But it's so embarrassing."

"I'm here. Do you want me to tell her?"

That is so tempting. However, if she's right and my body was just reacting like it should, then perhaps it will be okay.

"I'll do it," I said quickly, before I changed my mind. "Shall I get Rachel back?"

"Yes, but next time you think you will embarrass me, say something. Refusing to discuss things, because you are worried what others might think, leads to complications. You did it a few weeks ago, and look what happened then."

"I'm trying," I said, going to the door. "It is just so hard to open up."

I opened the door to reveal Rachel on the floor with her back to the wall, playing a game on her PDA. "Having fun?" I teased.

"You are certainly one of the more 'interesting' students at the school," said Rachel, getting up off the floor. "First you fall asleep on my settee, and now you throw me out of my office."

"Sorry." I lowered my head.

"Oh stop it. I wasn't having a go at you, just pointing out that you make my job interesting."

Once the door was again closed, and we were settled, Rachel started, "Well, did you come to any conclusions?"

"I was embarrassed about something that happened. Stacy said it was okay, and I shouldn't have hidden it."

"And?" prompted Rachel for me to continue.

"The night of the concert, I had a nightmare. Stacy, who had been sleeping in the top bunk, joined me, so there would be someone friendly nearby. It worked and stopped me having any more bad dreams."

I stopped. Rachel looked puzzled, wondering if there was something she had missed.

Stacy prodded me to continue.

"In the morning, Stacy and I had a chat about things. When Stacy got up, I realised-" I couldn't say any more and blushed heavily.

"It's okay," whispered Stacy. "I was going to continue for you, but Rachel gave me another warning look. Once you tell her, you'll feel better"

"I got an erection," I said, not even trying to mask the words.

"And?"

"That's it," I said, relieved.

"You are physically male. Your blood work shows you have the expected hormone levels. Being close to a pretty girl, in such a situation, this type of reaction is perfectly natural."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm not sure if you are aware, but a psychiatrist has to go through standard medical training first. I am a fully trained doctor, and worked in a hospital for many years before training in psychiatry. Anyway, it is Dr Sue that did the blood work, and consulted with a qualified endocrinologist."

"Tell her the other news," prompted Stacy.

"I didn't feel sick," I said, almost proudly

This certainly got Rachel's attention. Well she had been paying attention before, but her body suddenly became more upright.

"Are you sure?" Rachel scribbled on her PDA.

"I might not be a trained doctor, and I haven't spent years working in a hospital, but I certainly know that I didn't feel sick."

"Touché, and I will let that cheekiness pass this once, though I don't want to hear it again."

"Sorry. Have you any idea why I didn't feel ill?"

Rachel paused, obviously thinking. She eventually admitted, "At the moment, no, but that doesn't mean I won't find something later. Now that this is out in the open and Stacy hasn't freaked, would you feel better about talking with Edith?"

"I suppose," I sighed.

"Suppose?"

"Okay, yes, I will speak with Edith."

"I wish we could fit you in this evening, but Edith has other appointments. Also, neither of you has spent much time with your partners today. So how about after breakfast tomorrow?"

"Stacy, will you come with me?"

"Sure," she said absentmindedly. Before I could ask what was wrong, her face cleared. She leaned forward and whispered into my ear. As my mind processed the words, I started to feel sick, and before I could get off the settee, I threw up over Stacy, the settee and myself.


Readers, Please Remember to Leave a Comment

Want to comment but don't want to open an account?
Anyone can log in as Guest Reader -- password topshelf to leave a comment.

up
317 users have voted.
If you liked this post, you can leave a comment and/or a kudos! Click the "Thumbs Up!" button above to leave a Kudos

Comments

AARGGHH!!!!!

YOU DON"T NEED CLIFF HANGERS TO KEEP ME COMING BACK! :P lol Now get busy and tell us what Stacy said that got Jane sick again.

Huggles,

Winnie

Huggles,

Winnie
Winnie_small.jpg

Um, Karen

I don't suppose you have the next chapter ready to go? No. I thought not. Damn, me and my big mouth. Would begging and pleading help your muse speed along the next chapter?

I do second the idea that you don't need cliffhangers as a hook to keep your loyal audience coming back. Your characters do that all on their own.

As for what Stacy said to poor David/Jayne to upset him/her so? I think I may have an idea of what she said, but I'll wait for our esteemed authoress to reveal all in her own way and time.

Thank you Karen, for posting this chapter today.

hugs,

Arwen

You've been one very busy lady!

And, it humbles me (okay, gives me a kick in the pants) that you've gotten this many chapters out, and I've not managed to squeeze out even one.

Jayne really needs to figure out what it is that causes the vomiting... Even more, the folks around her (him - that at least was confirmed here!) need to know. I don't know about your other readers, but I feel for those around Jayne when she "explodes" like this.

And that cliff there. I guess I'm a bit fearful that you'll pull a Sam on us as far as what Stacy said to Jayne... And let us wonder about it for a half dozen chapters or so... Just, don't send Jayne off to another school (unless you go along with the kid!) where we don't get to find out. Please!

It WAS good to see Jayne open up to Rachel, even if it was just a little. Interesting that it's Stacy there, and not her Study Partner though... With what's going on with Edith, this may cause some interesting events going forward; where Stacy and Jayne spend time together and Andy and Helen do... Hmm. We've also got Andy and Jayne/David doing some stuff soon too... Wonder if Stacy and Helen will start comparing notes on Jayne. LOL

Thanks,
Annette

re: Why Stacy

Hi,

This is for two reasons

1. They are in the pairing that they were "on mission" as. They will have had shared experiences that they can share together during therapy. For instance Helen and Andy will both share shooting at people and the trauma of going into a high-risk area.

2. Jayne and Stacy both started their therapy together with Edith while in Russia. It might jar the therapy if it was changed.

3. If Jayne is going to be Beta One next year, then it would be good for Jayne to learn some of the experiences (good and bad) during these sessions.

I hope this helps

Hugs

Karen

Deep

That chapter touched something deep. Just the type questions of Rachel, that are so hard to answer, and makes me ask it myself again. And the best answer I can come up is "I don't know, I'm not sure.". I don't know why, but when I read this serie, I sometimes stops at some questions, as they seems to be targeted in black. Its really weird, but nice and little depressing, that its so hard to answer them. I am happy for David, that at least he can. It doesn't seem like big hang over, but it wouldn't be bad to read another chapter soon, I'm looking forward to it.
hugs
Robin

I Have A Very Good Idea Why Jayne

Got sick, but I will tell Karen so as NOT to spoil it 4 u.
May Your Light Forever Shine

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Ewwww!!!

Where's the towels? Rachel is going have to fumigate her office now! They will probably need a bucket of water, mop and air freshner after this one.

Hello Karen!!! ^____^ ;-D

Now this is on our minds before Valentines Day here in the States. Very good imagery on what NOT to do on a date. But then it might be a good test to see what the reactions are if you are meant for each other. The rumor mill will definitely be starting up again. Helen will ask questions. We're asking questions. What did Stacy whisper into David/Jayne's ear?

Oh well.... I really like the chapter. You're really exploring the emotional depths just like a psycharist. Isn't that your other profession Karen? Giving us tips on how to deal with our emotions and feelings, especially with the one we love? If so.... Bravo girl!!! Way to go!! You're really got us thinking about these gender issues. Putting us right in the middle of Hayfield Hall and with Penny's Immigration Manor, all bases are covered. Now we need a big hit to clear the bases. Perhaps that big hit is Sam and his issues. Now we'll have to wait until next time.

Have a wonderful week.
Rachel

Karen, Karen, Karen, how do you expect to go to heaven?

Hope Eternal Reigns's picture

Dearest Meanie,

All those OTHER questions to answer and what do you do??? Meanie!!! I'll bet you stole all the geeks' lunch money at school.

If I weren't such a HUGE loyal fan ---- I'd --- Oh shit - I'd just wait until the next chapter comes out as I always do. But I warn you... My patience ISN'T limitless, I may have to resort to ... BEGGING and PLEADING and all manner of threats of self-flagellation and stuff. I might even be FORCED to go on a 5 minute hunger strike. (After every meal.)

Thank you hon, for another great chapter.

with love,

Hope

with love,

Hope

Once in a while I bare my soul, more often my soles bear me.

re: Next Chapter

Hi

Sorry, but part 49 is still being written and then has to go through proofing. I wouldn't hold your breath for it being in Feb.

Hugs

Karen

Great story

Wonderful continuation of the story. This story is the one that actually hooked me into comming to this site for some leisure reading. Keep up the great work and I among all the others can't wait for the next chapter.

Nice

It is easy enough to guess at what was said though I agree that it would be great to have it confirmed. However Ann is right it would be nice to hear what is going on with Sam before he leaves and heads to another school. I mean we heard there was a problem in what part 15 or something along those lines and here we are almost up to part 50 and nothing I admit it's nice to let him get it out when he is ready but if they don't let Jayne do that why are they giving Sam So much room sense he has the same problem about opening up I think that it's time that they start treating Sam like they do Jayne.

Very nice, Karen...

I continue to enjoy this wonderful story of yours.

Keep up the great work!

Kate
"While the rest of the human race are descended from monkeys, redheads derive from cats."

Kate
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes." William Gibson

I know it's been a few days

Piper's picture

I know it's been a few days since this posted, and I read it when it first showed up even, but I thought I'd take the time NOW to comment.

I am fairly certain that I have a good idea what is going on with Sam... But that's because we were chatting more when you were first writing those bits...

But I honestly say despite everyone saying "I know what Stacy said to Jayne" I am completely clueless....

I know you said that it would be a bad bet to put money down on this showing up in Feb, I am still hoping that a miracle happens :)

Great work, Love the story! And I've still not ruled out my idea as to whom the leak is, even if you hinted that I'm wrong!

-P/KAF


"She was like a butterfly, full of color and vibrancy when she chose to open her wings, yet hardly visible when she closed them."
— Geraldine Brooks


Whoa!

I finally caught up to David/Jayne. Love the spelling by the way. I almost dropped the story, but something just kept me reading.

I have my own theory about the Vomiting...can any one say Repressed Memories.

re: Repressed Memories

Hi

I've not heard this theory before. Please can you expand on what you think your idea is?

Some people have send me their theories in private messages about what was said, they don't have to as I like a good bit of public speculation. Nobody has yet tried to explain why whatever they thought was said would make David/Jayne sick.

Hugs

Karen

Hoping it be out soon

I'm hoping that part 49 will come out soon I understand if it is going to take awhile but I hope that it will be coming out soon it is a wonderful story.

Part 49

Hi,

Part 49 and 50 are in proofing. Part 51 is currently at the early writing stage.

Hugs

Karen

Yay

Cool can't hardly wait doe it to come.

So When?

So when are those other ones going to get out of Proofing? I understand that people can be busy but I've been itching to see those two new parts out for a while now.

re: So When

Hi,

One of the people who look at it is very busy with real life stuff at the moment. Working 10hr days with 3hr commutes doesn't leave much time to do much but collapse at the end of the day. It just means that I've been able to get on with a bit more writing (mostly Survival) while I wait for the response.

Hugs

Karen

The Sleeper Awakes

Karen,

Some how I missed this. I saw the new post and realized I was missing something. Another great chapter. So who is David and as they say in Dune - the sleeper has awaken.

Thanks for Sharing.

As always,

Dru

As always,

Dru

Litany Against Fear from 'Dune'

Aljan Darkmoon's picture

I used to mumble that mantra too, when I was a kid. Sadly, it never seemed to help…

Just as Iam thinking Jayne

Just as Iam thinking Jayne has a grip on her sexual problems. Here comes Murphy with the monkey wrench..Iam very much interested to see how this all resolves.

alissa

Matilda's big sister

Jamie Lee's picture

Jayne and Matilda are so much alike, in that they've learned to keep things to themselves and are reluctant to open up after years of learning what can happen if they did.

David knows very little about the male physiology. Or that getting aroused does happen and is natural. And it would have been strange if he hadn't gotten aroused when he was spooning Stacy.

He hasn't come to the understanding that thoughts aren't bad or good, they're just thoughts. It when they're acted upon that good and bad come into play.

He finally did open up to Rachel, somewhat, but is still holding many things back. And it wasn't a good idea for Stacy to mention the one thing about Helen that caused her to see first hand just how sick he gets when he has that thought.

Others have feelings too.