“Nice dress dude!” some kids yelled as they passed by.
His heart was crushed as he ran back to the bathroom and changed into his pirate garbs. He was humiliated. After all the buildup and fantasizing he had done for this night, it ended in a miserable disappointment. Everything was left in the restroom as he went home without any candy…destroyed.
And so he lay in bed thinking of the immense urge to be a girl that seemed like such a joke
Billy lay in bed staring up at the ceiling. He was restless and found it impossible to sleep. Too many things were flying through his head.
It took all the courage he had to don the wig and get all dressed up as a girl tonight. Sure it was Halloween and everyone wore some kind of costume, but he paid the utmost attention to all aspects of his. His plan was pulled off with perfect execution. He used the service station’s public restroom to switch from his pirate costume into the outfit he stashed in the duffel bag.
The bag contained a collection of female garments he had acquired from various means the last several months. His mom’s bra, panty and pantyhose, a pretty flowered dress and heels he “borrowed” from his cousin’s closet and the wig he bought from the department store. It was a little funny. It didn’t quite look like the Hannah Montana hairdo the package portrayed but it was long and should have done the trick. The makeup, once again, was his cousin's. He was hoping he could replace it before she realized it was missing. Everything was in place and carefully planned. He had practiced this night for weeks. The makeup went on with pride as did all the other articles.
Billy looked at his reflection in the mirror of the beat-up bathroom. His heart sunk as he stared back at a boy wearing a dress and wig. Why didn’t he look like a girl? Maybe he was just being too critical. He knew what he looked like and maybe he just couldn’t get over the boy underneath it all. Perhaps the outside world would only see a teenage girl.
He took a deep breath and turned the knob of the bathroom door. He went into the adjacent neighborhood to avoid being discovered and proceeded to knock on some doors to get an honest reaction. He fantasized about what the responses would be. “My don’t we look pretty tonight.” “Such a pretty girl…why didn’t you dress up as a princess or tinkerbell?”
He gently tapped the first door.
“Well, now that is funny! That is a very pretty dress… great sense of humor young man,” The woman chuckled. She was obviously looking at a boy in drag and saw the comedy in that.
The second house fared no better.
“Now this is a sight! Was this your idea or did a female in your life put you up to this?”
And so it continued for the next several houses. Not one single person even considered the thought that he was a girl.
“Nice dress dude!” some kids yelled as they passed by.
His heart was crushed as he ran back to the bathroom and changed into his pirate garbs. He was humiliated. After all the buildup and fantasizing he had done for this night, it ended in a miserable disappointment. Everything was left in the restroom as he went home without any candy…destroyed.
And so he lay in bed thinking of the immense urge to be a girl that seemed like such a joke after tonight.
“Wake up punk! Time for drills.”
Billy opened his eyes and saw his 18 year old brother Tom towering above him.
“Dude, do you have makeup on?” Tom asked noticing some dark rings under Billy’s eyes.
“Yeah, duh, it was Halloween last night. I was a pirate.”
“Well you better get that crap off before dad sees it.”
Billy went to the bathroom and washed his face thoroughly and put on his shorts and t-shirt.
He headed downstairs where his three brothers were already stretching.
Tom was the oldest at 18 and was the epitome of a stud. He was the captain of the football team and seemed to be successful at just about everything he did.
Eric was 16 and idolized his older brother. Although not as athletically gifted, he played every sport he could fit in. Where Tom had the natural talent, Eric possessed the drive.
Jonathon was the baby of the family at 8 years old. He was always bouncing off the walls and getting into trouble…a true boy!
Then there was Billy. He fell in the middle at 14 years. He did not possess the natural athletic ability or the drive to succeed in sports like his two older siblings. He didn’t care to either. He found himself in limbo. He had felt like a girl since he knew that boys were different than girls.
Their pretty dresses, ribbons in their long hair, the dolls and cute little toys were all so desirable to him.
But here he was stuck in a boy’s body living a boy’s life with no escape.
His dad was a military man who ran his house as if it were part of that military. Rules were to be followed or else there would be hell to pay. Exercises in the morning before school, chores were to be finished on time and completed properly and there better not be any whining. He expected his boys to be men and men don’t whine… don’t even think of crying.
Billy’s mom was the glue that held the family together. She was far too submissive and definitely fit the old school mold of what a woman’s role should be, but she loved her children and countered her tough husband with sensitivity and caring.
After the 30 minute workout Billy headed to take a quick shower before getting ready for school. He was still distraught over how crappy last night was. He really thought that it was going to be an amazing experience that he could cling to as a bright memory in his otherwise mundane life. His reflection in the mirror was all the explanation he needed though. The daily workouts really sculpted and toned his teenage body. No wonder he looked so ridiculous in the dress last night. His body was the furthest thing from feminine. The sinking feeling engulfed him. That feeling seemed to be coming with much more frequency lately as he realized that he was stuck with no way out with a body that continued to get more and more masculine with each passing day.
Billy knew all there was to know about his condition. He identified with being transsexual and read about women who had successfully transitioned living full, happy lives. Why couldn’t he be like them? He knew about teenage transsexuals whose parents fully supported them. There was no way his dad would be like that.
He witnessed amazing transitions but also saw the drastic effects that testosterone has on the body. Some people are lucky with genetics and have softer features making them passable females. Others are not so lucky. Billy looked at his older brothers and the way they had changed from puberty. They were undeniably masculine with deep voices, large brows and height. Billy was doomed!
There was that sinking feeling again. He knew that it was his turn. Puberty was hitting him and he was very conscious of how his body would be irreversibly changed. The thought crushed him.
Female hormones. He knew all about them and they were his savior. He was aware that they would stop the testosterone from harming him and help him obtain the body he so wanted. If only he was able to take them. He felt such a sense of urgency as time was so short. He constantly found himself daydreaming about having a supply of hormones and developing a girl’s body. Oh what a dream!
You see Billy had a drive for sure. The drive was not one for playing sports or for being able to lift the heaviest weights. No, the drive that consumed Billy was the pursuit of obtaining female hormones so that he could be able to wear that dress and not have people stare...the unquenchable desire to be just a normal girl.
Billy had a plan. A plan with amazing risk - but the risk was worth it!
He was ready.
To Be Continued...
Comments
Thank You Ashley For
Another story. I look forward to reading about Billie's story.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Oh my..
This is potentially a very sweet story, but I fear it's also tremendously sad. Just this first chapter set a tone for impending doom, I can hear Bach's Toccata al Fugue in D minor just now.
Jo-Anne
A Great Start
I sure hope Billy can thwart the dreaded Testosterone Monster. I'm really looking forward to the next chapter.
Stef
Great Start
I think it is a great start and I really feel for the environment that poor Billy has to grow up in. Hopefully, someone gets a clue and understands what this child is going through. I might suggest a correction . At first you said that Tom was 16 and then you went to the next paragraph and said he was the oldest at 18. It is a great story and I look forward to reading more of it.
Hugs,
Jen
Good Luck Billy
This is a very good start to what promises to be a very good story. But with a gung-ho military father, and two brothers that are into doing masculine exercises, I really do hope that our heroine can get her tranistion started and completed. You are a very talented writer Ashley, and I am sure that you will give our heroine a way out...with difficulty...but nonetheless a way out. I always use the feminine pronouns for M2F (masculine for F2M) when the idendity is established, and you have done that in this first chapter. Thank you for sharing.
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"With confidence and forebearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
"With confidence and forbearance, we will have the strength to move forward."
Love & hugs,
Barbara
"If I have to be this girl in me, Then I have the right to be."
This looks to be a very good
This looks to be a very good story. I can't wait to see how you continue it. Thank you.
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May the Stars Light Your Path
Maid Joy
T-Blockers, not oestrogens.
I noticed in the story that Billy is wanting to get oestrogens to stop him from going into male puberty.
If Billy takes oestrogens with his body programmed to produce testosterone, often what happens is the body will produce more testosterone to counteract the oestrogens in an attempt to bring the hormone levels back into the proper male balance, which is not desirable. If Billy just wants to delay puberty, then he needs to find some testosterone blockers. Just taking the T-blockers will probably result in some lost of muscle mass. I am assuming that with Billy's household environment that he is not interested in becoming more feminine at this time, he just wants to buy time until it can escape such an oppressive household.
Puberty Blockers
Puberty blockers are not the same as testosterone blockers. Puberty is blocked with analogues of the Gonadotropin Releasing Hormone ("GnRH"), a natural hormone which is part of the puberty process.
Testosterone Blockers, also called "chemical castration," do not have the same effect at all. Someone else can probably give a more complete discussion of the subject. Just be aware that the treatment of young prospective transsexuals is based on delaying or interrupting puberty at the pituitary hormone level, not the chemical blocking of sex hormones. Also, it works both for FtM and MtF youths.
Is this going to be a self Castration?
Before I finally got someone to listen to me, I had done a lot of research on self castration, and was utterly convinced that I could make it work. The problem was that I did not want to spend a bunch of my life in the mental hospital in Salem.
I remain convinced that with enough nerve, and calming self talk, it is doable in spite of the risks. I know that NO medical person is going to agree with me.
The real problem is convincing yourself that you can stay calm enough to do it without going into shock. I think it is possible to take care of bleeders and sew yourself up. I wanted it enough to be willing to die if I did not succeed. Thankfully, I found someone who knew that if they didn't do it, I would.
The problem with Billy, a boy just going into puberty is whether the testicles have dropped enough to really be accessible.
Gwendolyn
Billy to Billie
RAMI
Billy's transition to Billie will be interesting to watch. I hope it will be done safely. Based on the various comments I read here, it seems that such transition may be dangerous to Billie's physical and mental safety. Taking medications like Billy plans on or perhaps a physical castration can lead to disater. I hope this story has a happy ending and not a disaterous one.
RAMI
RAMI